It shouldn't've turned out like this. How could she come to trust anyone if things like this kept happening?
Shepard grit her teeth, rifle clutched in her hands, back pressed to a pillar as the telltale groans of a scion neared her. What was there to lose these days? She didn't like caving into these thoughts, but in the wake of everything that happened since Cerberus brought her back, what else did she have left besides her thoughts?
Horizon had been a disaster in more ways than one. The moment she knew Kaidan was there, the true purpose of the mission had paled despite her best attempts to remain focused. Every frozen colonist they'd passed that wasn't Kaidan bolstered her determination to reach the end, to get to the towers he'd been there to install. He'd be there! she'd told herself. He'd make it worth it, she knew he would. Somehow, in all of the tangle of miscommunication and ill-willed benefactors, Kaidan would still be there.
It hadn't been until the gruff, dismissive voice of Zaeed Massani sounded behind her, condemning the Alliance for not being straightforward. That had triggered something in her mind, turning her eyes cold when she'd looked back at Kaidan. Watching him leave with a sneer on his handsome features, Shepard had felt her heart harden and her consideration for her own life diminish. What good was staying alive, being cautious, if there was nothing waiting for her when it was all over?
It had been this mindset that had followed her into the supposedly defunct Collector ship. The same ship that had claimed the lives of her former crew members, the original Normandy, and had ended her own existance. Moving inside it was like crawling through the remains of her old life. The Collectors that stared her down from lofty perches and shot at her squadmates, at her, all pieces she'd watched disappear in plumes of silent fire. She'd spent her last moments watching the Normandy become engulfed in the brilliant flames. She remembered thinking it was beautiful, fire in a vacuum. She'd given in to the sleep that weighed her down, her final breath of air stolen from her by the inky black.
Being alive now, without his love and support at her back, made that last breath meaningless. Shepard squeezed her eyes shut briefly, slipped her finger onto the rifle's trigger, and threw herself boldly out at the fray beyond her hiding place. She flew at them carelessly, screaming into the confines of her helmet, tears burning her eyes that blurred the shapes before her, her weapon discharging wildly.
She would die here. Die inside the ship that had killed her the first time. It would be a glorious end, a rightful end. What did it matter now? Those who had granted her life again had already turned on her, teased her with the remnants of her old life, and placed an even greater burden on shoulders already too weary to hold much more. Dying here would be poetic. She could leave behind something beautiful, something worth repeating to others. Commander Karen Shepard, hero of the Blitz, died doing what she believed in.
But what was there left to believe?
Shepard launched herself bodily at the oncoming figure of Harbinger, his glowing body a mockery of heaven's light as he promised her a noble death. In her abandon, she threw her rifle aside and drew a fist back. She would go, she would let him take her away. Nothing mattered now.
The sudden closure of a strong hand around her arm, her body being pulled sideways roughly, and the unforgiving hardness of the ground at her back yanked her back to reality. Time slowed for the barest of moments, her ears filling with coarsely-spoken words, as the passing face of Zaeed Massani crossed her field of vision. Time returned with a sickening thud and she cried out from the pain of her gun ports digging into her back. She lay on the ground, the armored body of the bounty hunter stretched over her as Grunt provided a shower of cover fire above them.
"The hell is wrong with you!?" Zaeed screamed, drawing her further back to reality. "Bloody daft bitch, you could've been killed!"
Shepard stared at him blankly. She'd never noticed it before, how only one of his eyes could see. The blind one had always followed its twin as though it could still view the world even though no light entered it. Her gaze traveled the jagged length of his facial scar, her mind recalling the story behind it. Rage, as an anesthetic? Isn't that what he'd said? Her brow furrowed. There was nothing left to be mad at. The Collectors? They'd already killed her. The Reapers? No one believed in them, anyway. Rage would do little to numb the pain she felt deep in her heart.
She drew a deep breath suddenly, filling her lungs with the oxygen flowing from her suit's tank. She was still here. Still alive. Zaeed had apparently cared enough to keep her here. Or was it just the contract? The contract. Money. Her eyes narrowed.
Commander Shepard was no one's investment!
Shepard summoned her strength and thrust Zaeed's heavy body from her. He fell back against Grunt's massive legs, surprise evident in his eyes. She propelled herself onto her feet and withdrew her pistol from its holster.
"I'm not dying here. Not again," she vowed coldly, cocking the weapon and swinging back around to face the steadily advancing Collector drones. She heard Zaeed give a mad cackle of laughter as he stood as well and joined her in unloading clip after clip into the Collectors' ranks. Grunt followed their lead as the three soldiers powered their way back to the shuttle.
Shepard dove first for the shuttle's door as it swung open, rolling to a stop against the far wall. Zaeed and Grunt followed soon after and she barked, "Go!" Immediately, the small transport vessel rose upwards and away from the Collector ship, its path taking them back home to the Normandy.
Garrus was there to greet them as they exited the shuttle in the docking hangar. Shepard paid him little heed as she marched after the retreating Zaeed, undoubtedly on his way back to starboard cargo. The second the bounty hunter crossed the threshold into the hold, the door attempted to close, only to be punched brutally back open by Shepard's fist on its console. Zaeed, hearing her violent entrance, turned in alarm towards her, his hand hovering over his pistol.
"What the hell are you doing, Shepard?" he demanded. Shepard ignored him and advanced on him quickly, fist drawing back. Before Zaeed could react to deflect it, Shepard's fist landed hard on his jaw, sending the older man up against the bulkhead. Shepard followed this move up with an arm to his throat, her fingers closing around his wrist when he made to grab his sidearm.
"Did I ask you to save me, Massani?!" Shepard screamed in his face, teeth baring maliciously. "Do you think I need saving? Is that it?!"
"No!" Zaeed jerked his free arm up between his neck and Shepard's forearm, breaking her hold and shoving her back hard. Shepard stumbled into the crates beside the table, sending the throwing knives and ashtray to the floor with a loud series of clatters. "But you sure as hell need some sense!"
Shepard snarled and threw herself at him, hands curved into claws as she aimed for his throat. He caught her wrists just before they could make contact with his neck and forced her arms apart. "I'm in charge here, Massani!" she cried, struggling against his stronger grip. "You do what I say when I say it and only when I say it!"
"Not when it endangers you!" he snapped back, twisting her right arm down and around her back, spinning her in the process to turn her from him. Shepard continued to wriggle despite the burning pain in her shoulder at being held so brutally. "You crazy bitch, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were trying to kill yourself!"
"Even if I was, bounty hunter, it's no concern of yours!" Shepard bit out through clenched teeth. "I don't need saving! I don't need a goddamn hero!"
"When did I ever say I was?!" Zaeed returned hotly. "Never mistake me for one, Shepard; you'll always be disappointed." With that, he released her, pushing her from him swiftly. Shepard stumbled again and fell to the floor on her hands and knees. She stayed there, shoulders quaking with rage, her breathing hard and heavy as she fought to control the situation. Finally, she rose and turned on him wildly.
"If you ever, ever interfere with my decisions again, I'll shove you out the damned airlock!" she vowed, stabbing a finger in his direction. They glared at each other for a moment, then Shepard pivoted on her heel and stalked out of the cargo hold.
Alone, Zaeed exhaled heavily, his fingers kneading his throat gingerly. He crossed the room to the security cameras and punched in the code to view the captain's quarters. He watched as the door opened and Shepard stormed inside. Even without sound, it was easy to see she was screaming as she hurled her desk chair across the room. She proceeded to tear her desk apart, shattering the display case of her model ships with her fist and throwing more things to the ground before finally collapsing to the floor. He watched as she curled into herself, her head bowed against her raised knees. Again, even without sound, he could tell precisely what she was doing.
Commander Shepard was crying.
"Shit..." Zaeed muttered, flicking the screen back to something less complicated and turning from the terminal. He returned to his usual post at the bulkhead, arms coming up to cross over his chestplate. He stood in silence, thoughts racing to find their usual comfortable state of simple reminiscing. When no familiar memories came, he thrust his fist against the wall with a strangled curse.
I'm no hero, Shepard. Never mistake me for one; you'll always be disappointed....
- cont