I can tell
I can tell how much you hate this
And deep down inside
You know it's killin' me
I can call
Wish you well
And try to change this
But nothing I can say
Would change anything
She found herself wandering back to the Institute again for the second time in a day. He was not there when she went to look for him that morning. Isabelle greeted her, with a look on her face that spoke volumes. He's not here. He's been out the whole night, she had told Clary. But behind those words, Clary knew what Isabelle was trying to say. Jace was avoiding her, because it was just too painful to look her in the eyes. The same way that she felt around him, knowing that he was the brother she never thought she had.
Jace walked into the elevator the moment she stepped in. He did not realize she was there until he looked up from the ground, locking his gaze on her. Everything she wanted to say to him, she swallowed them back down her throat. His eyes, golden and luminous, seemed to stare right into her soul, leaving her speechless and at a loss. The expression in his eyes unnerved her- exhaustion, pain, hurt, desire and longing. Then, he looked away as soon as he realized he was looking at her. She took a step back towards the side of the elevator, trying to find something to say to him. But all she could muster was a "Hi."
Jace nodded, acknowledging he had heard her.
"Where have you been?" She stumbled over her words, trying to get them out.
"At our father's. Training." He looked ahead, trying to avoid looking at her.
"Oh." That would explain Jace's attire- shadowhunting gear, steles and seraph blades at his waist- and smudges of dirt on his face. She reached out, wanting to rub a smear off his cheek, but caught herself before she touched his face. The slight movement caught his attention and he finally turned to look at her.
I wish I could save you
I wish I could say to you
I'm not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It's gonna be alright
"What do you want, Clary?" He sighed, running his hand through his hair. "Why are you here?"
"I... I just wanted to see you." And tell you everything's alright and that you should stop acting like this, like I don't matter anymore
"Then after that?" he choked out. "Kiss and make up again? Pretend nothing has happened? I can't do that. You're my-" He paused, "sister". The last word sounded like a curse on his tongue.
"I know you feel something, Jace. That kiss at the Seelie Court, don't tell me you didn't mean it. Don't tell me that didn't mean anything."
"No, it didn't." His voice cracked at the end.
"You're lying."
"Did it mean something to you, Clary? If it did, why did you avoid me after that?" He turned and glared at her, watching her expression change to one of surprise.
Clary was taken aback by his sudden outburst and struggled to follow him as he strode out of the elevator. She tried to suppress the hurt in her voice, but it surfaced as she answered him, "I didn't. You were avoiding me, Jace. You did."
Didn't mean
Didn't mean to leave you stranded
Went away 'cause I didn't want to face the truth
There were times I'd wonder
Could I have eased your pain
Why did I turn away
He continued walking until they reached the door of his room in the Institute, and he suddenly stopped. Turning to face her, he asked, "Then what do you want me to do, Clary?"
"I miss you," she whispered. Jace swallowed a lump down his throat, his fists clenched at his sides.
"You're my sister," he repeated, as if saying it more often would allow the truth to sink in. But it just sounded like a lie being repeated over and over again, each repetition losing its meaning.
"I know."
"Then, what do you want from me?" He sighed, sinking to the floor.
"I don't know. I really don't." She bent down and touched his face gently. "Look at me, Jace. Dammit, just look at me."
"What good would it do?" Jace mumbled to himself. "It doesn't change anything, Clary. I wish I did. But each time I look at you, it makes me want you so badly, want you in a way I shouldn't be wanting you. It's tearing me apart inside, can't you tell?"
"How do you think I feel, Jace? You're always in my mind, and I can't get you out." She moved to sit next to him. "And each time you push me away, it hurts so much. Each time you avoid me, a little bit of me dies inside."
"There's nothing we can do," he said, resigned.
We can pretend nothing's changed
Pretend it's all the same
And there will be no pain tonight
"Jace..." she started, but stopped, trying to find the right words to say. But words failed her. Lifting his head up from his arms, she looked straight into his eyes before pressing her lips to his. He tried to pull back at first, but the taste of her lips drew him in, like a moth to a flame. Wrapping his arms around his neck, he returned her kiss, her mouth opening against his. She bit his lower lip lightly and it drove his senses into a frenzy. He deepened the kiss, pulling her closer against him. The feel of her against him was something familiar, something he realized he had been stupid to avoid, to even want to live without.
She finally pulled back, and tried to stand up, but Jace held on to her wrist "Stay with me, Clary, please. Let's just pretend for once that nothing has changed," he begged her.
She nodded mutely as he wrapped her in his arms and kissed her head. It was then when she felt his tears falling.