Author's Notes: A crack-fic written as an early birthday present for my Fanfic pal, Tatyana Witwicky. Thanks for your help in some of the Combination: Blue chapters, and loan of your character/concepts in both Blue and White :D
Enjoy the antics of Megatron and co in Africa. I know I will :D
The wild expanses of the African savannah bristled with heat-waves, lazily rolling over the sandy land, dotted with shrubs and grasses, a contrast of green against the burning ground, almost white with the hot sun blazing above. Several herds of herbivores, such as zebra and wildebeest, roamed this land, searching for food and avoiding any lurking predators. The large forms of a group of elephants milled about near a small watering hole, the liquid glistening like a beacon of hope in this dusty dry land, providing precious hydration to those around it.
The quiet air, dotted with birdcalls and the occasional grunt of the elephants, was broken by the rumble of an engine. A Mack Titan Tanker truck, brown and rusted, the grill outfitted with lethal spikes, the tank covered with a ragged tarp, the front of it crowned by a semi-circle of sharp points. The wheels were dusty and rugged, the windshield caked with sand, and the whole vehicle looked as though it belonged in a scrap-yard.
However, this was no ordinary truck.
With a screech of mechanics, the vehicle shifted in an alien way, the cab rearing up as clawed arms sprang from the side, the front tires moving back into these appendages, as the tank split apart and shifted forward, the rear components splitting and folding into legs, the wheels locking into massive feet, the tarp moved over the cab, which slammed back to the ground, the doors and windshield folding aside as the spikes retracted, the whole cab sinking back into a torso, conjoining with parts of the tank, the rest of the cylindrical metal folding onto the legs, as one arm lazily pulled the tarp over a head, like a cowl, red optics springing to life.
As the biped reared to a massive height, around thirty-five to forty feet, it let out a low growl, scaring away a group of zebra. The elephants merely raised their trunks and let out wary rumbles as the truck-beast lumbered forward, the wildebeest also retreating as it snarled:
"All... hail... Megatron..."
Cape blowing behind him in the light breezes, Megatron moved towards the elephants, specifically the largest one, the matriarch, and muttered: "There, there, Sarah, no need to fear. It is only I, your leader..."
The elephant didn't respond vocally, simply shaking her head as a metal claw gently flicked at her large ears.
"Impressive..." Megatron muttered, almost delusional, as the large mammal leaned into his tickling finger. "My scans indicate your baby is growing at a stable rate. I'd imagine it will be only a few more months before you give birth, dear Sarah. Tell Mary and Hermione to assist in rearing the offspring, won't you? They are more gentle then the others. Not that I play favourites, of course."
With that said, Megatron moved onwards, leaving his organic subjects to their business. Pausing now and then to observe the movements of a black mamba (His trusted assassin), or the wary observations of the zebras (They were his scouts, always looking for any Autobots skulking around), the truck soon reached his destination; a small camp, consisting of a few pieces of scrap laying around, several barrels under the wonderful shade of a strung-up parachute. The wreckage of a jeep made a small wall of sorts, with a large tree at the back of camp.
The Decepticon leader sighed softly as he observed Igor totter around, eagerly blurting out: "Master, my Master, serve the Master!", before turning his attention to a smaller Decepticon, a shining white creature, with speakers on bulky forearms, wheels on the shoulders, a silver logo on his chest and a head adorned with twin horns and sharp red optics: Soundwave, whom was currently measuring the setting and power levels of his sonic blasters. The communications officer, whom was sat on the jeep, glanced up at the approach of his leader and gave a respectful nod.
"Lord Megatron."
"Soundwave. How do you do?"
The white Decepticon tilted his head, most likely scanning Megatron intently, especially the head area. Bristling slightly, the larger Decepticon fidgeted with his cowl, the magical cloth that hid the terrible wound underneath, glaring at Soundwave for probing.
"I believe you are going insane, my Lord." The car hummed. "Your injuries sustained in Egypt have gravely affected your processing rate and logic circuitry. This is most empathised by your talking to the non-sentient organics in this area."
"Don't talk slag about Sarah." Megatron snapped, sitting down next to the barrels, allowing Igor to hug his leg. "She's going to have a baby, Soundwave! Why don't you understand?"
"I understand baby, as in a young organic. I also understand baby, as in the slang term for attractive female, when it comes to my mission in spying on the human designated Carly." Soundwave replied, a tiny trace of smugness under the deep mechanical tone.
"You're a pervert. Go to Japan or some other stereotypical destination theme regarding perverted organic activities."
The two sat in silence for a moment, Soundwave continuing to examine his weaponry, while Megatron fiddled with a stick, twirling the piece of wood around in his claws. Igor meandered between his larger comrades, cheerfully licking the ground with his awful tongue thing now and then and muttering: "Megatron is the best!"
The silence was not to last, when three more Decepticons approached the camp. The largest one was over forty feet tall, a single glaring red optic on the horned head, a muted purple tone on the blackened metal, the chest similar to an organic rib-cage, a massive cannon complete with power hose for a right arm, the left arm adorning a lethal blade. After him was a smaller, black Decepticon, perhaps sixteen or so feet tall, an inverted car's front for his chest, long arms adorned with white doors with 'POLICE' written on them. His hands seemed to be tires with claws underneath, his legs quite slender and tires upon spiked props on his shoulders. Lastly, the third 'Con, a bulky triangular one, perhaps around thirty feet tall, much wider then the other two, with long sweeping arms, double-jointed legs like some dread bird of prey, sharp fins upon the shoulders, with a slender cockpit centred on his chest and jet engines upon his back.
Spotting Megatron, the jet swept forward in an almost mocking bow: "Oh, my poor Master, every time I see your face, hidden under that cape, I am reminded how good it is not to be you with your face."
"F*ck off, Starscream."
The cycloptic mech did not approve of this disrespect towards their leader, as evidenced by the brutal smack to the back of the jet's head, as the smallest Decepticon moved forward, four crimson optics observing his leader glare at Starscream, and stated: "My Lord Megatron, I have news to report."
"Speak your peace, Barricade." Megatron grunted, uncaring, really.
"I have reason to believe the Autobots are involving themselves in human conflicts." The police cruiser, Barricade, informed him. "They intend to resolve human activities to prevent further troubles amongst their meagre allies. I think we should use this knowledge against them."
"Logical." The cyclops stated, his voice raw and cold, spoken without any emotion.
"Thank you, Shockwave." Barricade replied, glancing at him, appreciating the support from the intimidating mech, before continuing: "I think we should try and involve ourselves in opposing governments to America. We could turn the humans against each other, and let them war until their extinction! And then, we-"
"Barricade." Megatron interrupted, staring at his minion with an expression akin to pity. "Why were you missing during the battle of Egypt?"
The jet sniggered slightly, and Soundwave looked up in interest.
Shockwave simply stared.
Barricade took on a dignified expression and stated: "That is not the point, my Lord."
"Of course of it is." The truck replied, his pitying expression suddenly switching to an almost cheerful smirk. "You weren't in Egypt. But you are in Africa. Yet you went to America. Therefore, by moving to America, which you intend to oppose, then missing Egypt, and then coming back to Africa, it is the point that you missed Egypt with America, came to Africa, missed Egypt again, went back to America and died. And came back to life, then came back to Africa, here. Thus, that is the point."
With this said, Megatron smugly folded his arms. Shockwave's eye flickered at this horrible massacre of logic. Soundwave shrugged. Starscream sniggered. Barricade sighed and muttered: "Never mind."
"I believe the hatchlings require attention." Soundwave stated, glancing at the little life-forms stored within the barrels, whom were now beginning to start their routine of whining and growling. "They are like the female, Carly. Soft and innocent, constantly requiring touch. However, unlike her, their vocal noises and appearance are not enjoyable-"
"Shut up, Soundwave, you sick freak." Starscream stated waspishly, attempting to maintain the sense that he was the only sane one here. "You suck at life."
"Starscream; inferior. Sucks; literally." The Mercedes retorted.
"I hate both of you." Barricade chimed in.
Shaking his head at his comrade's stupidity, Starscream leaned down towards the hatchlings, whom were grumbling and shaking their barrels, before turning their little red optics to him, curious to see what he would do. The F-22 gently moved a hand towards them, intending to pet the little abominations, murmuring: "Hello, little ones. How are you today? Are you fine? Are- OW!"
One of them had leapt out of its barrel and latched onto the jet's face, attempting to claw it off.
The jet fell backwards, legs and arms flailing as he screamed: "ARGH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!"
Shockwave simply stared.
Casually, Barricade plucked the hatchling off the idiotic flyer and gently placed the little one back in its barrel, though it hissed menacingly at him. The car was obviously somewhat disturbed.
"His desire for faces is legendary." Megatron stated dramatically. "I shall call him Optimus Minor, and I shall train him to steal faces."
"Such tenacity and willingness to humiliate a fool reminds me of Carly." Soundwave mused. "She moves with grace, speaks with kindness, yet regal patience, and does not hesitate to unleash the wrath of her wit on those who deserve it."
As Barricade helped Starscream to his feet, he remarked: "Honestly, I think I should go back to America. Less crazy there."
"There is crazy everywhere." Megatron mused. "Everywhere, everywhere. Crazy makes things ugly."
"Yeah, like you." Starscream sneered, snapping his claws together in a superior 'oh snap, burn!' way.
"Why can't you go away and die and turn into a ghost and get eaten by those Buster-Ghost guys?" The truck asked, glaring at the jet in ghost-lacking disgust. Starscream flipped him the bird in response. Clearly, he had done his research on human insults and rudeness.
"I have come to the conclusion that Megatron truly has descended into insanity." Soundwave hummed. "This bodes poorly for our own mental and physical well-being.
Sensing anger rising in his leader and obviously hoping to defuse it, Barricade quickly stated: "So, anyone want to play a game, or watch a film?"
Everyone stared at him, especially the staring Shockwave, before Megatron asked: "What film do you suggest?"
"I dunno... Hey, how about the Lion King?" The police car suggested. "It's got good plot, good songs, good animation and what-not. And it's in Africa, like we are!"
"The Lion King ripped off Kimba the White Lion, if my sources of general film discussion are correct." Soundwave stated, tapping his chin in thought. "Though, the regal, majestic beauty of the film reminds me of dear Carly, the way her golden hair tickles my sensors, the way her hand grips my gear-stick-"
"Seriously, Soundwave. Shut up." Barricade snapped, tired of the Mercedes constantly going about Ladiesman 217's girlfriend. "I'm tired of your constant shipping. Just shut up, okay?"
"Barricade; inferior-"
"SHUT UP!"
"Is it at all possible to have any kind of intelligent, pleasant conversation around here?" Starscream asked, voice dripping with sarcasm and mouth literally dripping with... something, as he folded his arms and shook his head in disgust. The jet turned to Shockwave and went on: "Seriously, why can't we... just..."
The flyer had now realised Shockwave was staring at him, their optics gazing at each other, crimson to crimson, and Starscream felt himself feeling dizzy, the dizziness starting to increase, the world swimming with odd colours, diving into black at times, though the single optic remained, like a bloodied moon. That single optic stared and stared, as if it was gazing at his spark, his mind, bright-red and weird and singular, and the jet wondered if the world was falling, and the sky was swimming, and the sea was walking, and his thoughts seemed to wander into a desolate landscape, and he didn't understand anymore-
Shockwave was staring, staring, staring at him.
Big red eye, staring.
His vocal components managed to speak, and his tone was dull and dead inside: "I think Shockwave stole my soul."
"Was there ever one to be stolen?" Megatron grunted, flicking at a random repair drone on his shoulder. "I wish I had my soul stolen. Then I wouldn't feel like slag."
"You seem alright to me, my Lord." Barricade observed, glancing at his Leader.
"Barricade, I'm hiding out in some pitiful, boiling-hot desert, in a pitiful camp made of crap, on some backwater insect planet, hanging out with weird babies, animals and a talking head, my face horrible mutilated, with weird spiders crawling around in my wounds, annoying me, while I wear a cape to hide it like some retired superhero, with no plan in sight, no victory in sight and my brother having fun with his human friends or whatever it is Optimus Prime gets up to. Really, it sucks, everything sucks, and I struggle on. I'm like someone inspirational or whatever, the way I struggle on."
"Speaking of Lion King-" Starscream stated eagerly, interrupting Megatron's musings, having regained his soul due to his love of Megatron suffering. He leapt forward, seized Barricade, and held him up to the sky, singing: "-It's the Circle! OF LIFE! YAY! Oh, Allspark, I've been looking forward to doing that."
Deadpan, the car stated: "Can you put me down now?"
Starscream promptly dropped him on the floor.
"Ow. I hate my life."
"I hate your life too."
"Life is such a petty thing." Soundwave observed. "However, the life of my dear Carly is one to be treasured, a life of beauty and grace that tickles my neural network-"
"SHUT UP!"
As Soundwave fell silent and Barricade and Starscream engaged each other in an argument, most likely petty, Megatron sighed and turned turned to Shockwave: "Why are those three idiots? Why can't we... just..."
The truck had now realised Shockwave was staring at him, their optics gazing at each other, crimson to crimson, and Megatron felt himself feeling dizzy, the dizziness starting to increase, the world swimming with odd colours, diving into black at times, though the single optic remained, like a bloodied moon. That single optic stared and stared, as if it was gazing at his spark, his mind, bright-red and weird and singular, and the truck wondered if the world was falling, and the sky was swimming, and the sea was walking, and his thoughts seemed to wander into a desolate landscape, and he didn't understand anymore-
Shockwave was staring, staring, staring at him.
Big red eye, staring.
His vocal components managed to speak, and his tone was dull and dead inside: "I think Shockwave stole my soul."
"Poor Master!" Igor wailed, flailing around in horror.
"Isn't that what you wanted?" Soundwave asked.
"... Why, yes, yes it was. Awesome."
"I am glad you got what you wanted." The Mercedes mused. "What I want is the beautiful Carly. When we win this war, I shall claim her heart, and we shall be married, and have half-human, half-Cybertronian children, and I shall treasure her always."
"You make me sick." Megatron groaned, before heaving and vomiting oil all over poor Igor, causing every other Decepticon to flinch at the horror of it (Except Shockwave, who simply stared). Of course, the deranged little head merely licked it all up, which obviously freaked out the truck and made him vomit again, this time all over poor Starscream. Soundwave and Barricade face-palmed. Shockwave simply stared.
The oil-drenched jet bounced around in horror, clawing at himself in a vain attempt to remove the horrible stuff, and whined: "Please kill me!"
"I promise to kill you if you kill me first." Megatron groaned, clutching his fuel-tanks. "This hangover, as the humans call it: It pains me to live! Help me, Sarah!"
Shockwave spoke at last: "If Soundwave marries the human, may I be best man?"
Author's Notes: ROFLMAO. Those wacky Decepticons XD
I hope everyone enjoyed this fic, and a happy not-quite-yet birthday to Tai. Have fun :D