Damn & Blast
JustAnotherGirl / Just A Penniless Writer

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and elements from the Harry Potter series belong to J.K. Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Plea: One-shot. Not intended as anything other than cheap, pointless humor. Like watching an old Jim Carrey movie. Very Bad!Fic. Why even waste time editing this POS?
Please forgive me.

He was almost positive she had no clue he was following her. He supposed that was a bit odd, but then he allowed that he was hidden very well, and she was terribly distracted.

O, she was leaving her companion! Now he only had to get her alone where he could work his magic. After all, there was just simply no leaving it up to her anymore. As intelligent as she was, Granger seemed to be an idiot when it came to her own love life. It was terribly sad, he thought, but terribly convenient. It meant she was confused by the Weasel's new advances now that he had been most thoroughly dumped by his last Quidditch groupie.

When was the prat going to get it through his thick skull that Hermione Granger had no need of a relatively nice guy? A girl as manipulative and cunning as her needed… a Slytherin, preferably a Malfoy. It was only too bad that she refused to give him his due, instead concentrating on those boring Ministry employees that he knew would never satisfy her need to plot.

But enough of that! Finally, she would be forced to acknowledge how perfect he was for her! Finally, she would see they were a matching pair. Now, all he had to do was cast the spell.

Ah ha! She was leaving the witches' room with absolutely no one near her. Perfect.

"Verus Tactus!" he whispered with enthusiasm, only to instantly run to her aide as her slack form fell to the floor. He caught her, but not before the floor resounded with a sickening thud from her skull. He could only pray she would be too preoccupied when she woke to take note of the knot that was sure to be forming.

Well, no time like the present to make his point. And no one could accuse him of cheating because it was impossible to mess this spell up. Disillusioning himself and removing his gloves, he took a deep breath before pressing his bare hand against her bare neck.

But she did not regain consciousness. Her eyes did not open, and there was no scorching kiss as she realized what he had done. There was nothing at all. She just lay there, half against him, unaware of the world around her.

This wasn't right at all! He knew he had done the spell correctly… but that would mean that he wasn't her match. And that just couldn't be! So what had gone wrong?

He spent a few moments touching every bit of exposed skin on her slack body before remembering he was still in a reasonably public location. In other words, it wouldn't do for him to be caught with an unconscious woman, particularly this woman. He struggled to Levitate her, something that required much more effort than he had ever considered, before realizing there were no private rooms nearby in which to place her. With no other options in view, he Apparated back to the safety of the manor, his prize in tow.

The limp body of his amorous interest had been dropped haphazardly onto a chaise lounge when someone entered who was most certainly not supposed to be introduced to the issue before preparations were made.

"Draco, what have I told you about bringing trash into our home?"

"But, Father…"

"No excuses, Draco. I will not have such filth disgracing my furniture. Take it out."

"But, Father…"

"Now, Draco. Wake her up, pay her, and send her on her way. Whatever spell she cast on you will be dealt with."

"But, Father!"

"Now, Draco."

"I can't! She won't wake up!"

"Nonsense, just slap her."

"It won't work! I… I might have done a spell incorrectly."

Lucius paused to take in that information.

"What spell?" he demanded slowly. Draco's muttered reply was unintelligible.

"What spell," he repeated as his jaw tightened with his mounting anger.

"I might have tried to cast a certain spell to test a certain theory…" Draco attempted to explain.

"What. Spell."

"Verus Tactus."

Once again, Lucius paused to take in that information as Draco awaited his fate.

"Very well," Lucius said in quiet fury. "We will reverse the spell, dump her in Diagon Alley, Obliviate her, then return to have the elves reupholster anything she may have touched."

"But, Father, there is no reversal. I researched it."

"What in Merlin's name possessed you to do such a thing?"

"She wouldn't let me court her! I had to prove that we were made for each other!"

"You… Never mind. Obviously you were under some illusion that has been proven false. For now, the Mudblood needs to be dealt with. As she is of some note, it is perhaps best that there be some clue as to her condition or they will search for the culprit. I'd rather not have my name implicated in such a ridiculous farce. Get the Dicto-Quill so we can pin a note to her robe before we dump her at St.Mungo's."

Draco sighed but knew he'd get no leniency from his father and so hurried to comply.

Once his son was gone, Lucius turned a critical eye to his unintended houseguest. Objectively, she wasn't particularly appealing in any fashion. Added to her dirty heritage, it made him wonder what Draco could ever have seen in the young woman. Still, he supposed it was better than a sudden interest in Potter, something that still worried Narcissa.

He was quite ready to write her off as common Mudblood trash when a pendant around her neck drew his attention. Surely that couldn't be what he thought it was… Warily, he approached until interest overcame caution, and he stooped over her slack form to further examine the pendant. The fine carving, the filigree, the Goblin gold... how did such a person get ahold of such a priceless piece?

"Father?"

Such was he poised when Draco interrupted his thoughts that his hand fell from its position hovering over the necklace and unintentionally skimmed the surface of the young woman's neck.

"Draco…"

"Draco?"

"Granger!"

"Malfoy!"

"Miss Granger."

"Father!"

"What…!"

"But…"

A pause for breath and rampant speculation.

"Father, what did you do?"

"Where am I and how did I get here!"

"How could you have mussed the spell so thoroughly, Draco!"

A pause for accusations to set in.

"I did the bloody spell right! What did you do?"

"I did nothing, boy! Watch your tone."

"WHERE AM I AND HOW DID I GET HERE?"

A pause as the men of the house turned once again to see their reawakened guest.

"Verus Tactus," Draco mumbled. "Father must have touched you while I was out."

Gasps of disbelief and discontent.

"But..."

"Ridiculous…"

"That is completely impossible…"

"Preposterous…"

"How could such a supremacist…"

"…filthy…"

"…malicious…"

"…bigoted…"

"…bastard…"

"…Mudblood be my match?"

A pause while the two supposed matches turned matching offended glares on each other. Draco took that time to escape from what was sure to be a rather ugly confrontation.

As he sped along the hall towards the door, and the blessed Apparition point, he wondered at the workings of the obscure spell. Surely it was off…

But then he'd always known she needed Slytherin. Preferably a Malfoy.