Summer of '97
"Ryan. Ryan? … Dude?"
I shake my head, coming back to the present. The photo being shoved in front of my face had taken me to the past, the memories that I was carefully trying to pack away in my head.
"Come on man, get out of the house. You dropped out of college, you stopped living. Jake would want you to come to this party."
To be honest I don't want to go to a party. Parties aren't something I'm comfortable at anymore. Luke is being unfair, saying all this. Tears start to collect in my eyes.
"Fine," I say, turning as I blink so he doesn't see the tears. "I'll come."
A grin spreads across his face, and he claps me on the back.
"Alright man, see you down stairs."
Fucking hell, bastard. Luke knows how I feel about parties. I pull on some unwashed jeans, and a semi-clean t-shirt. I haven't been to a party since my best friend Jake died. I drag myself down the stairs. I live in a run down apartment, my mum kicked me out, she said something about being sick of my constant nostalgia and daydreaming. I don't have many friends, they all gave up on me when I never called back. Not Luke, Luke is my only true friend. Except for the fact that he pisses me off a lot of the time. I'm certainly not looking forward to this party; it's going to be full of the people I used to call friends. I think Luke wants to hook me up with a girl, but I'm not interested. Plus the girls he knows don't go for average guys like me. Light brown hair, slight stubble, just above average height, and slightly depressed. Not everyone's type. None of this matters anyway because I don't even like girls, but the only one that knows that is Jake. Well. Knew, because he's dead.
"Fucking hell Ryan, stop standing in the middle of the stairs. Come on."
We pull up at Luke's house. It's one of those houses that make everyone jealous. The mansion type, that's owned by his parents. They had built a wing on the first floor just like a club, for Luke and his friends. My suspicions are confirmed when I walk in the door, everyone I used to be friends with are here. Countless eyes are on me, and whispers fill the room.
"Ryan's out of the house."
"Is that Ryan? He doesn't look like he used to."
This is true. I look nothing like I used to. My light brown hair is longer now, hanging past my eyes if I let it. I have slight stubble, I look like someone that hasn't slept for weeks, I've lost a heap of weight, and I'm slightly taller and more muscular.
"He's hot!" Jessica exclaims. This is the girl that used to hate me; it's slightly amusing to hear her say this.
"Ryan! Over here! What's up dude?" Nick, a guy I used to be close friends with pulls me into a one armed hug.
"Man you filled out since last time I saw you, you used to be that skinny kid. Have you been working out?"
"No," I answer.
Nick shrugs, and offers me a beer.
"I don't drink."
"Just one? It's my birthday."
"Not at all, not for any occasion. Sorry."
"It's alright man, I mean I get it. When my mum die—"
I slip away pretending I've seen someone. I don't want any sympathy, or death related conversations.
The music is quite loud, and I don't recognize the song. I listen to older music and this music is completely unfamiliar to me. Luke is already making out with a girl I've known since fourth grade. Lisa, I think her name is. I head over to a couch in a corner through the small dance floor. Someone grabs me, and attempts to pull me into the heaving mass of bodies dancing in time to the song. I wriggle free of their grasp, no way am I dancing. I make a last desperate effort to get to the couch, and I collapse on to the comfortable cushions. People come and go, including the guys that I hate.
"Oh heeeyy, it's Ryan! Guys, come over here!"
The two other guys stumble over to Sam, drunk.
"Ryan! Why don't you sing for us?" Adam mocks
"No, man! He stopped singing when Jake died. Pity that you couldn't tell him you had a huge gay crush on him before I hit him, huh?" Sam laughs.
My temper grabs hold of me and I stand up, and before Sam realizes what I'm doing, my fist connects with his nose. I dart in between the dancing bodies. The music seems too loud, and everyone seems to be staring at me. I burst out of Luke's front door, and carry on running down the driveway, tears streaming freely down my face. I stop at the side of the road, and take a deep, shaky breath.
It was the summer of 1997. Jake and I were at one of the many summer parties, just one of hundreds more we should have attended. You could always tell who had lost the most drinking games by how drunk they were. Girls stumbled around us both, shamelessly flirting. Jake was better looking than I was. Short, messy black hair, naturally tan skin, stunning green eyes; he was one of those cool musicians, carelessly handsome and charming. Jake and I were always at the centre of parties, him playing guitar and me singing. This night was the same as any other night. We had just finished performing the usual few songs and it was time for out party to start. We grabbed beers and joined the drinking games. Spin the bottle was always on top of the list. This was also the night that I kissed Jake Lahear, he didn't think anything of it and rose to the challenge. I remember his lips being soft and gentle against mine. After quite a few more drinks we went out the back to where the better drinking games took place. These games were always held outside just so there was less vomit to clean up. Strip poker was one of the more popular games, but in our version every time you stripped you downed a whole bottle of beer, a quick way to get drunk. Jake, Sam and I were three who ended up naked. After the game I lost Jake, I didn't look for him thinking he had gone off with a girl. Until there were screams outside, and everyone ran to the front of the house. Sam, Adam and Patrick had been showing off in Sam's new car, and they had hit Jake who apparently had been chasing a football. I ran over to the unnaturally still Jake and dropped to my knees beside him. I yelled out to people to call 911, and took his head into my lap and one of his icy hands into mine.
I am so lost in the memory that I don't see the headlights speeding out of control towards me, I only realize what has happened when my body contacts the car and is thrown to the ground, shattering my bones. I hear the raised voices fade away, but the voices never mattered to me. I'm with Jake again at last.