As I Am
"If your family is anything like you've described I don't think you have anything to be worried about," she told me as we walked through the Park of the State Circus in Bucharest after our latest mission. It was nice to have the little bit of down time with her walking through a park. We seem to have an affinity for finding ourselves at parks since our visit to her parents. Our little escape.
"I just don't know. I've been wearing that particular costume for so long; maybe there's a point of no return on something like this. I feel like I'll be shattering their entire perception of who I am and who I've always been to them," I explained.
We'd been discussing me telling my family the truth on and off for the past couple of weeks now. I just can't seem to decide if I want to deal with the consequences of telling them I really work in a library as an art historian or just let them go on believing what they always have. It's a hard decision when I've gotten the chance to finally live the life I've always wanted. Everything is perfect except that I'm still lying to my family.
"They love you Jake. They might be hurt, but that's not going to change the way they feel about you," she assured me, not just with her words but also the slight squeeze of her hand in mine.
"You've always gotten to see the real me, so I think your judgement is a little biased."
"Maybe more than a little." She pressed a soft kiss to my cheek before continuing. "At least telling them can't go any worse that our visit to see my parents."
"Other than meeting your parents that trip didn't turn out too bad." I let my thoughts wander back to that day; sitting at the park where she liked to escape the world, her telling me she loved me for the first time. We both had laid our feelings bare that day, and in two completely different ways. I still can't believe she found out my feelings by overhearing me yell at her parents.
"That's not really the point I was trying to make, but you're right, it turned out to be a great day. Just promise me you'll keep thinking about telling them. You and I both know what regret feels like and I don't want them to become one for you."
"I promise. But for right now I just want to enjoy having you all to myself for the rest of the day."
"Sounds perfect to me."
Two Weeks Later
"Jake, I don't think I thought this through," Cassie explained, her voice laced with a nervousness I've never heard from her before. She's been frantically pacing around her apartment as she packed for our weekend visit to my parents'.
"What are you talkin' about Cassie?" I questioned, as I watched her with curiosity.
"What if your family doesn't like me?" I have to hold in a chuckle, because I can see all of the doubt and worry in her eyes, and I know my family will take one look at her and be absolutely enchanted.
"Sweetheart, I don't think there's anyone in the world who wouldn't love you at first sight," I assured her.
"Look who's being biased now." I'm glad to see that she's smiling when she looks up at me from her packing.
"Shouldn't I be the one worried about visiting my folks?" I asked with a smirk on my face.
"I know, it's just I want them to like me. I think I'm just extra nervous because I never thought I'd be meeting a guy's parents because I never expected to live long enough to find love at all." Her confession takes me by surprise. I know the toll living with her tumor has had on her life, but sometimes it's easy to forget how long she's has to think about what is attainable for her life.
"Come here darlin'. You've found so much more than love, you know. You've found yourself a family, and you'll never be alone again." I pull her into a hug and know it's not quite enough to quell all of her fears, but it's what I can give her right now.
"I'm sorry. I can't believe I'm such an emotional disaster over this. I must be adding so much stress on you," she murmured against my chest before pulling away slightly.
"You have nothing to be sorry about, and with you by my side I have nothing to be nervous about."
"If you say so," she tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a sob.
"I promise. Now are we ready to go?" I made sure to wipe away any remnants of tears on her cheeks before kissing her softly.
"Yes, I think so," she voiced with newfound confidence.
We decided to wait until a quiet moment presented itself with my family for me tell them I'd been lying all my life, which meant that my family was currently taking it upon themselves to shower Cassie with all of the attention and affection she never had growing up. I found myself watching from a doorway as they pulled out the photo albums and started in on all of my embarrassing childhood stories. I can't help smiling as I watch her, and am still smiling when she looks up at me, her own smile shining brightly.
"She's delightful," my mom said, coming up behind me. All I can do is smile and nod in answer. "She's not your usual type either."
"What's my usual type?" I asked, curious as to what her answer will be.
"Beautiful, yet vapid." Her description hurts, but I know she's right. "Cassandra is vivacious and smart, so what is it about her that changed your mind?"
"I don't know, there was just something about her and I knew the moment I met her that my life had been changed," I confessed, turning to face my mom. "She sees me as I am; in a way no one elae has ever tried."
"Meaning you've finally found someone who equals you in intellect."
"What?" I asked, taken aback.
"Did you really think I didn't know?" she questioned with that looks she always got on her face when I was a kid; the one that said, "Don't try lying to me, I know all."
"You never said anything, so yeah, I thought I hid it pretty well."
"Jacob, I'm your mother. It's my job to notice when you're being someone you're not. I never said anything because I knew you didn't want me to. You were always figuring everything out before all the other kids your age, so when you stopped trying to stand out I figured that was your way of fittin' in and finding your own way."
"So, why are you saying something now?"
"Because you're different now; I figured that meant you were ready to embrace it. Thought maybe Cassandra had something to do with that."
"Yes and no. She's been trying to get me to come out here and talk to y'all for about a month, but she's never known mas as the good ole boy from Oklahoma, she's always gotten to see the real me. We met under some pretty strange circumstances. Let's just say I've finally found someplace where I can be me, with people who appreciate I'm an art history expert."
"Good. As much as your daddy needed you on that rig, you were never meant for that life."
"I will admit that the experience has helped on quite a few occasions though," I said, thinking back to when we found the Crown of King Arthur and the STEM Fair.
"So are you going to tell me about this someplace where people appreciate you?" Her question makes me laugh.
"Um, Cassie and I do research all over the world for a library in Portland, Oregon. We work with a few different people. Let's just say, it's nice getting to be the me who likes art instead of the me stuck on an oil rig.
"So let me get this straight, you've been off travelin' the world and the best excuse you could come up with for us was working a rig in Texas."
"Yeah, sorry 'bout that."
"I'm just happy you've finally found what you've been looking for all your life, and I don't just mean the job at the library. I like her, she's a good fit for you."
"Yeah, she is." I find my gaze drifting over to Cassie, one of my nephews sitting on her lap pointing out all of his favorite pictures in the album. Her smile is bright and beautiful, just like the rest of her. "Since you've always known, does that mean I can get out of telling everyone else I've lied about who I am all my life?" I asked, turning back to my mom.
"I'm sure the information will make its way down the family gossip fast enough. You might want to go save Cassandra before they get too overwhelming though. We wouldn't want to scare her away."
"Cassie doesn't scare too easily, but you're right I should probably save her. Thanks mom, for always understanding what I needed."
"You're welcome."
"I notice you didn't say anything at dinner like we talked about," she mentioned, sitting on the edge of the bed in my old room. She's looking at me with conflict in her blue eyes. She knows that she can't push me into telling them, but had hoped I was finally ready to be open about who I am.
"Turns out my mom already knew the truth. Apparently she's always known, so that means pretty much everyone in town will know by the time we leave tomorrow." I can't help chuckling, knowing how gossip in small towns can spread faster than a wildfire.
"I told you, you didn't have anything to worry about."
"Neither did you. My entire family loves you, especially my mom." She looks a little embarrassed at the knowledge that she's won over my mom and the rest of my family. I sit down on the bed next to her and she immediately rests her head on my shoulder. I love these small moments and gestures between the two of us; just being close to her is happiness all in its own.
"They're all so wonderful Jake. Sometimes I envy that you had this big family growing up. I love my family, but I think it might have been nice to have siblings to share everything with," she confessed. I kiss the top of her head before responding.
"It had its moments. I think I'm happier now that I don't have to live with them though."
"We're quite the pair aren't we? Very different, and yet similar at the same time."
"That might be true, but I think out of everyone in the world, you're the only one who has ever tried to really see who I am. You take all of the facets of who I am and piece them together to make me whole. And you Cassie were always the one missing piece that could complete the puzzle."
When she kisses me I know that we're both finally where we're supposed to be. For the first time in my life I am living in the light, and I pray I never find myself in the darkness ever again.