Three.

It was every thing but his lucky number. It was sweet reverie he was slowly being lost to, only to be yanked out by the same memories. Three vases had been broken, three days to perpare for an event that sent him to his knees, three thoughts jumping around in his head, attacking his skull.

His face was down as he tried to shield his mind from the very last memory of her. The fire, the crash, the pilot who wouldn't leave and the woman who rescues him, never to be seen again.

It was both easier and harder to play the memories backward, as if her death would be undone by the push of a button. Death, Illos, lockers, Virmire, Noveria, Therum, Feros, the Council, the first meeting. If only life were so simple. If only bringing back lives was as easy as creating a castle out of sand or a childs constructive toy. If only she would come out of the pictures he had of her. The one were she is smiling, his arms around her, mixing scents of both their bodies, the thermal energy between them creating biotic static and warm friction that no other two people could create together.

He found himself envying the man in that picture, himself from when their time together was at a comfortable standstill of no geth, no interruptions, just two bodies creating a tangle of limbs and a happy hum of pleasureable times.

It was her birthday today. She would be thirty years old. Kaidan tried to smile as he thought of what she would be doing right now. She would probably be looking in the mirror, seeing if she had a strand of grey hair yet to match his single strand of silver. She didn't care how she looked but having one grey hair would be another thing they could share, another small memento to carry when ever they parted for several hours. This parting now was longer and was permanent. He would be rapping her gift in that red wrapping paper she was obsessed with, the one with the fiery background that matched her hair, and the gold gifts on the front that also had love written in almost every language. He had bought it for her on their last shore leave when he saw her looking at from the corner of her eye. Inside would be a card, a red velvet box, and inside the velvet box her gift: A necklace that had both their dog tags molded back-to-back, pictures of the whole crew, and an omni-tool to replace the one she had broken when she had fallen onto her back. The last incident had been an accident. He was turning the corner and she was right there, carrying a fresh omni-tool, so fresh it was still in the box, and he shocked her, causing the box to shatter and be followed by howls of laughter...

It was exactly one year after their night. The night before Illos. Thats what the dog tags were for. Another smile tugged at his lips at the thought. When Joker had woken them up, telling them that they had ten minutes until they reached Illos, they had been struggling to get dressed and suited in armor and in the confusion they had grabbed the wrong tags. At least Anderson had given them a weird look and a chance to switch after the battle, before they talked to the Council or Udina. Kaidan had suggested that they have both tags mixed into one, another cheesy way to never be separated.

He flipped the tags over and over in his hands. Shepard. Alenko. Shepard. Alenko. The letters blurred as time passed, becoming a mixture of both surnames. He had hoped that one day, maybe, just maybe, they would share his lastname. She was gone and it made everything feel horribly numb.

It was also a friday. They used to look forward to fridays, a day they could fall asleep late and no one would dare to wake them up. God, how he missed those days.

Friday... Friday was visitors day. He had the picture frame in his hands, the images of their adventures filling the holographic screen. Roses grasped inbetween palms and the frame. A dozen flowers and a dozen pictures... A dozen crew mates crying. Her grave was calm, an eerie unsettling calm that made his stomach burn and eyes sting. Her life had been full of action, maybe that was why seeing her remains in such a quiet setting seemed out of place, she deserved the calm after the hardships she had been through. Visiting every friday didn't help forget her but he didn't want her out of his mind.

The concept of dreams was one his brain and soul had fought over many times. His mind hated and loved him for it, it knew that when he woke his missing of her would deepen but his heart wanted, needed these dreamy moments away from the harsh reality. His migraines came from his L2 implants; his dreams came from the mourning of his heart. Every night was a dream of her, most nights a good dream, a sweet dream of them, but somedays it was a nightmare. His subconscience knew that the dreams just made him ache for her even more when he was awake but how could he not think of her? He wanted nothing more than to feel her touch of smooth skin and calloused fingers, to smile in the morning seeing that they had fallen asleep with their hands intertwined. Some days he did okay, miserable but how could he not be.

He would never forget her name, her smell, her face, her birthday, her scars or way with words.

He would always think of a way to play the event out differently, to fix those choices he had made, to not listen to her plea for him to leave. It was all over and all he wanted to do was hold her and comfort both of them with the others presence.

He remembers Virmire still. He could never forget it. He never chastised her for her choice, there was a slight spark of fear when she had paused to decide where to go and whom to save. It was followed by a tinge of happiness when she had come to rescue him and even that was overridden by the wave of survivors guilt. He had never questioned her choice because he could still stand tall with her but today was different. For the first time in all his life Kaidan wished she had chosen Ashley over him. If she had he could be with her right now, instead of wallowing and brooding in this hollow prison that people referred to as his apartment. It wouldn't be hallow if she where there. The apartment was small enough that he would be able to feel her biotic rhythm from anywhere in the contained living arrangement.

His mind kept being pulled to the fires, screams, and launching of escape pods. They buzzed and nipped at his everythought and he began to wonder if he would become as crippled as the late Adams was. Kaidan was still alive but he certainly didn't feel like it. His sanity was being sipped away by the hungry memories of her. He wanted to revive her and he found himself being pulled away from the living, breathing world once again. Kaidan hated himself for delaying so long, for holding back because of regulations. He hated that Shepard was dead and he was separated from her, forced to live in a place where every corner held memories or images of her. He despised that Ashley and Shepard could be reunited and that he was left in a sobbing corner.

And just like a strong bullet hitting his heart he was jolted out of those senile thoughts. He was jealous over death, talking about life as if it was controlled by a flip of a switch, as if everyone was being picked on a team and he was sitting behind on a bench to watch as the others exiled him! It was wrong and he knew it. He knew these thoughts were poisoning him, that he would be better tomorrow when the thoughts and migraines would be temporally put on hold because of Anderson's meeting were no emotions could be shown. He knew these thoughts would be replaced by his normal mind and when the alcohol in his system had fled. He also knew that he wouldn't go a day free of memories of her but as Shepard had said. I'll remember her and I'll do better for her.

He had to live with his choices, the choice to listen to her and leave and right now, on the day the three most important events in his life had fallen on, he couldn't quite live with himself.

The cold air did not stop in its whispering lament to his fallen lover.

Part two should be up soon. Please review and I thank you for taking the time to reading an aspiring writers work.

I really do wonder what will happen with Kaidan an Shepard in Mass Effect 3. It was terrible for him to be have an absence in Mass Effect 2. Hhhmmm... Will there be renegade or paragon interups when you talk? Will Kaidan be more outspoken about what he feel and want from Shepard? Drop a review with any thoughts, feelings, prompts, opinions, and hopes for Mass Effect (1,2,3)

Ooohhh and the question that must be asked: did your Shepard cheat on Kaidan?

Drop a review and, of course, THANK YOU!