ooOOOoo
Right from the beginning, Elliot and I had been at each others throats. We were divided on every little thing.
Cragen had actually called us on it a week before. Honestly I didn't even notice, we were arguing over paperwork. He told us to get it straightened out.
Get what straightened out Cap? Because I don't know what you are talking about.
Well that's not totally correct, at least for me. I can't speak for Elliot.
Things have changed, I am not sure when really. Early in our partnership, I thought that maybe we could have something…but he is married, and happily so. I didn't want to break up a happy marriage…I would never do that.
So I resigned to that thought, friendship was all we would ever have.
I caught a few glances, or things Elliot has mumbled to me over the years, the way he looked at me a few times, I thought I would melt right there on the spot.
But he always went back to the 'good ole married man' a second later.
Talk about confusing.
I eventually found time to start dating.
There were a few men here and there. Work always got in the way. Which to me was fine, I guess I use work as an excuse not to get to close to anyone.
There have been days where I would walk home from work, and see couples walking hand in hand down the street, whispering to each other like they were the only people in the universe.
I want that.
Why can't I have that?
What did I do in this life, hell in previous lives…that I can't have that?
So our relationship, partnership grew in a different direction.
We don't talk as much as we used to.
And that hurt.
Elliot and I, we used to talk to each other about everything.
Now, hell I didn't even know that Kathy had filed for separation and moved away with the kids, and in with her boyfriend.
Jesus.
His kids, they were his life.
His solid ground in the day when the cases got rough, they were there to comfort him.
I have to wonder how long this has been going on, I can only guess.
Elliot and I started gnawing at each other about a month ago, just little things, really. He would go off without me, do things more on his own.
You know the little things.
He started to disagree on cases more often. He would side with the man and me the female. Then we would battle it out again.
Elliot started to take pot shots at me; you know I could ignore them most of the time, just putting it up to stress, work, the case, home.
Until he told me that I really didn't know what love was or what a family was, since I have never really had a family, and no one really loved me.
Well then.
I went home that night and cried.
How could Elliot say that to me?
I didn't talk to him the next few days unless I had too.
This week we landed this case. He again took his side and I, hers.
Elliot was convinced that she was lying, and was going to do everything in his power to convince me of the same.
A few days in, we actually started to get along a little better, at least I thought so.
Although his actions were more harsh then normal, it seemed like he didn't care much about the circumstances, that the woman was responsible, didn't matter, it was all her fault.
I had to wonder what was going on; Elliot never acted that way before.
It all came down one day when the vic's lawyer met us in Cragen's office. It was the day I found out what was going on with my best friend, my partner.
I wasn't expecting to find out that way. I am positive Elliot didn't either, the look on his face, man if looks could kill.
I have to wonder though, would he have told me at all?
It hurt me that he never told me before this.
But I have to put my hurt aside, I have to go to him.
I have to be there for him, be the best friend, the partner.
Part of me is glad that this is happening. How sick is that? I never ever wanted this to happen to him.
I can see the hurt in his eyes, god I wanted to cry right there.
Cry for him, cry for what his children are going through.
How could anyone do that to this man?
What that lawyer did in there, to use his separation against him…this was just…just unforgivable.
I looked over at Cragen and he nodded, knowing exactly what I was going to ask.
I ran out of his office.
I called for him, I had to know, had to let him know I was there for him.
"Elliot!"
He turned around the second time I called him.
What did he think? That I wasn't going to go after him?
I can understand the need to get away, to just want to be alone.
I can understand that.
But I don't want him to be alone.
I asked him what happened, and all he told me was that Kathy had left.
Maybe that's all I was going to get from him right now.
I want to follow him, but I know that now might not be the time for me.
But maybe.
I head back into the squad room to find Cragen watching me. I look at him and shake my head, knowing he was going to ask if I spoke with Elliot.
"Any luck?" He asks.
"No." I turn around to sit at my desk, "I think he went up to the roof."
"I'll give him few moments."
"Yeah."
Do you really think I am going to be able to do paperwork now???
Yeah right.
I don't know how I actually did it, but like forty-five minutes passed. Cragen came over and asked to speak with me in his office.
Elliot still hadn't returned.
I am very concerned now.
"What is it Cap?" I ask as I close the door behind me.
"Olivia, Elliot he is…I spoke with him, he told me what was going on, apparently Kathy has been…it's been going on for a while now."
"What do you want me to do Cap?"
"I think you already know what to do Olivia." I turn towards the door, "He's still up there."
Yeah. Okay.
I know what to do?
Glad you have faith in me.
Cause right now, I am not to sure.
Slowly I make my way up the stairs to the roof. God why do I feel like I will be intruding?
I mean I know I won't be, but still…
I open the door but I don't see him. Rounding the corner I see Elliot, he is hunched over, leaning on the railing, head down.
"Elliot?"
I don't know if he heard me.
I approach him and gently rest a hand on his shoulder.
"Elliot?"
"Liv, look now, now is not the best time."
"El, I am worried about you."
"Nothing to be worried about, hundreds of people get separated every day."
"What happened Elliot?"
"I don't want to talk about this now, please?"
"Sure, just know that I am here for you El." I give him a gentle smile and stand up straighter.
We both stare out across the roof tops. The city looks so different from up here.
After a few moments of silence, he reaches over and laces his fingers through mine. The pain in his eyes right now, is enough for me to take him in my arms and sooth him.
But I can't, not here.
The sun is starting to set by now, and a chill goes down my spine. We haven't said anything to each other, and that's ok. What ever it takes for him.
"Come on, let's get inside."
"Yeah." I am not ready for this moment to be over.
Is that selfish?
As we make our way back into the squad room, I reach for my coat.
"I am going to head out for the night." He looks at me, lost.
"Yeah that's a good idea."
"Do you need a ride?"
"No, I am staying around the corner." He replies.
He walks me to my car, "You know Elliot, I am here for you, if you need anything."
"Thanks Liv." He looks at me with such emptiness, I am not sure what I should do. Ut he stands up and walks in the opposite direction.
When I get home, I am not hungry, I don't know what to do with myself.
There is so much I want to tell Elliot, all I want is for him to know that there is someone in this world that loves him.
And with that I lean against my door and the tears come.
Great.
But they don't just come; I end up on the floor with my head between my legs.
How could someone hurt this man?
How could someone not love him?
All any of us want is to e cared for, to be apart of a family, to have someone to love.
I never really had that. Scratch that, I didn't have that.
Until I came here, met Elliot, came to SVU.
We are a family.
And I left him alone.
What kind of person am I?
I knew he was hurting.
And that though just brings the tears back.
God why can't I stop crying.
Then there was a knock at my door.
Wonderful.
Wiping at my eyes, I don't even look through the peephole and just open the door.
I see Elliot standing there, looking worse then he was when I left him before.
We stand there for a moment just looking at each other, he's crying too.
He comes into my apartment and I softly shut the door behind him, wiping again at my tears.
"Come here Liv." With one stride he is in my arms.
We are both crying for what was lost. Taking support in each other.
Just as it should be.
"God Elliot, I am so sorry." I say between tears.
"Don't cry okay." He told me as he gently wiped my tears away with his thumbs.
"I want to tell you what happened Liv."
We walk over to my couch, sit down right next to each other. Elliot is playing with my fingers. He is nervous.
"Kathy, she has been seeing someone else for a while now. Its not her fault really, I am never home."
"Elliot, this is not your fault."
"I have to share in the blame Liv, I was never there for her. How can a marriage last, if the spouse is never home, never there to support the other?"
I don't know how to answer that. "El, what she did…it's not your fault. She should have never taken your kids away like she did."
"Maybe she should have done it sooner Liv, I just don't know anymore."
We sit there and talk for a long time. More tears later and a lot of tissues on my part, he fell asleep.
We are both exhausted.
Slowly I try to get up without waking him, I can tell from the circles under his eyes, he hasn't been sleeping well at all.
I make my way to the hall closet for a pillow and blanket for him.
Successfully I manage to cove him without laying next to him, and made my way back to my room.
Leaving the door open I take one last look at him "You will always have someone who loves you." I whisper and head to bed.
Like I am going to be able to sleep.
But sleep does come.
Around 2am, I feel the bed shift.
I know he needs me as much as I need him right now.
He slides in and wraps his arms around me.
"I am sorry for leaving you." I mumble.
I feel hot tears through my sleepwear and move back to have more contact with him.
I need to know he is here.
I need to give him strength.
"You didn't leave me." He pauses, "I need you Liv."
"I know." I roll over to look at him, resting my head on the pillow, his eyes are red, as are mine. In the moon light he looks so sad. "I need you too."
That brings a smile to his face, however small.
He reaches out and wraps his fingers around mine, and closes his eyes.
We are going to be there for each other from now on.
This is the beginning.