There are two times when Jim's seen Spock completely and totally lose his cool.
The first time was when he'd pushed him to it, forced him. Taunted him. He would feel worse about what he'd said it if the bastard hadn't nearly choked him to death afterwards. He still remembers the look in Spock's eyes before he'd launched himself at him, the cry he'd made. Jim had taken beatings before, but nothing quite that brutal, quite that savage. As Spock's hands closed tighter and tighter around his throat, all he could think was 'Goddamn pointy eared bastard FUCK'. He's not entirely sure which one he was mentally referring to, the one with the death grip on his neck, or the wise old asshole who thought antagonizing his former self was a great plan.
That was angry Spock, berserker, rage filled Spock. As illogical as it might be, Jim wished that the second time he'd seen Spock give into his emotions, it could be that Spock again. Anything but mourning Spock.
No longer trying to throttle him, the second time Jim saw Spock bent over with emotions he could no longer control, Spock was too far away to even touch him, separated by a pane of glass. He wishes he were strangling him again, just so he'd be able to feel one last touch. Jim doesn't remember a lot about dying. His body was shutting itself down; it's a miracle he can recall any of it. But he remembers pain and fear and Spock.
He remembers Spock especially. That one tear, which from anyone else would be a deluge of emotion, just about broke Jim's heart. He remembers wanting to wipe it away, knowing he would never touch a never living soul again. Wanting the last person he touched to be Spock.
He heard, "Because you are my friend," as he slowly drifted out of consciousness. He remembers wondering a little hazily if Spock has ever had a friend before. But soon he's not wondering anything at all.
When he woke up from his two week death coma, Spock was as cool and composed as ever, the one concession to sentiment being the use of his first name. It seems like emotional Spock has retreated once more.
He idly remarks to Bones one day when they're sharing a brandy in the medical bay after hours that he supposes, in that period of time immediately after his temporary death, Spock just logiced himself out of whatever angst he might have felt about his passing, and went back to doing what needed to be done, rational and composed.
A shadow passes over Bones' face that Jim didn't expect. "That's not quite how I'd describe it," the good doctor says carefully.
Now Jim's intrigued. The details of what happened after his death, Khan's capture and the like, have always remained curiously vague to him. It's not like no one's told him anything, but they always change the subject very quickly afterwards.
"What did Spock do?" he asks.
Bones sighs and shifts uncomfortably. With a darting glance he growls, "Look, you can't mention any of this to that pointy ear, but he- well, he went off the rails a little bit. Even by human standards."
Now this is interesting. Jim pours himself some more brandy. "How off the rails?"
Bones looks even more uncomfortable, shifting in his chair. "He was enraged, completely fucking mental. He went after Khan himself, beamed down to the planet. He chased him and chased him, and when he caught him-" Bones cuts himself off.
Jim's like a child listening to a story, leaning in eagerly. He pours Bones more brandy as well, and waits.
Bones takes a swig, and bluntly states, "He beat the shit out of him."
"Who, Khan?" Jim says incredulously. "It's impossible to put a mark on the man. I know, I tried."
"Spock did," Bones responds. "Only time I saw that goddamn bastard Khan bleed."
Kirk digests this information slowly. Cold, calculating, moral Spock, who had expanded countless amounts of energy to remain calm and impartial in the face of travesty, brutally beating a man to near death. Berserker Spock had temporarily emerged, it seemed, because of his demise. It was a strange thought.
"The only way we got him to stop was by beaming Uhura down to tell him we needed Khan alive to save your life," Bones continues. "Nothing else could reach him. Otherwise, Spock would have kept swinging till that man's face was mush."
Bones sighs, and downs the rest of his drink. "If I ever doubted whether that green-blooded Vulcan could feel anything at all, I stopped that day."
Kirk doesn't quite know what to say. He can't imagine how Spock must have felt, how deep that rage and pain went, that he could give in so completely to his emotions.
"Don't mention it to him, alright?" says Bones, getting up. "If I know that man at all, he probably feels uncomfortable about seeming that human."
After Jim has bid Bones good night and went back to him room, he tosses and turns in his bed. Apparently, there are three times when Spock has completely lost his cool, and they're all about him. He does know how to push his First Officer's buttons.
He has to let him know, somehow. That is Spock- if Spock- well, if the same fate befell Spock as befell him, he would feel it just as deeply, and go to the same measures to avenge him.
He jumps out of bed, not bothering to put on shoes or even a shirt. He slips put his room, and hastens down the dark hallway until he reaches Spock's room. He's suddenly nervous, standing at the door. Spock is almost certainly asleep. This is an unsightly piece of human sentiment, and Spock doesn't care. This is stupid.
He turns around, and walks one step away before turning around. No. He has to do this. He's Captain James T. Kirk, dammit! He gives the door a firm knock, and instantly regrets it. This was a terrible idea.
The door slides open with a whoosh. Spock is standing there, looking confused and a little sleep befuddled. He cocks his head when he sees Kirk. "Captain, to what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Can I come in?" Jim asks.
Spock gives a slight nod of his head, and Jim pushes past him into his room. It's typical Spock; barren, Spartan. It looks unlived in.
Kirk runs a hand through his hair. He isn't quite sure how to begin this.
Spock is still standing near the door, taking in his disheveled appearance. Is it just Jim, or does his gaze linger a second longer than necessary on Jim's chest before meeting his eyes? "Captain, I must admit I am a little confused as to the nature of this visit."
"We're friends, right?" Jim says suddenly.
He's not sure if that quirk of Spock's eyebrow is really surprise, or if he imagines he can read his first officer's face better than he actually can. "I suppose that is how you would term it, yes," Spock responds.
"If I could do it all over again, I would," Jim says in a rush. "I'd do it even if I knew I wouldn't come back this time, just as long as the ship and the crew and you would be safe."
"That is logical," Spock says, taking a step closer to him. "After all, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." But he stutters a tiny bit over the last word. Jim wonders why.
"I would do it just to save you," Jim blurts out. "You get that, right?"
There's a heavy silence in the air before Spock softly says, "As I would do as well."
There's another silence and Jim doesn't know how to bridge it. The air feels tense and charged, and he wonder for exactly how long it's been like that.
"Well," Jim says, heading for the door. "I've gotta go, things to do, and-"
"Jim," Spock says as the Captain brushes past him, and he grabs his arm.
They're staring at each other, brilliant blue eyes meeting dark brown ones, and Jim for the life of him doesn't know who started it, he swears, but suddenly he's kissing Spock.
It's more heated than he imagined it in his subconscious, barely recognized fantasies. They've managed to wrap themselves around each other in a few short seconds, and Spock's kissing him like he never needs to breathe again. Not at all logical and calculated but warm and alive and Spock and-
He pulls away with a gasp, bare chest rising and fallen. Spock's pupils are blown wid, his perfectly straight hair slightly mussed from where Jim ran his fingers through it. His lips are swollen and all Jim wants to do it keep on kissing them all night.
"I should go to bed," he says, and turns away. He knows where this leads, and it's no good place. It's a dangerous place, in fact.
He makes it one step again before turning around. Spock's standing there, and Jim realizes with a rush this is the third time he's seen Spock lose control. He looks confused and unsure and Jim is sure this is the happiest he's ever been to see his first officer emotionally compromised.
He steps back towards the Vulcan and kisses him, softly, gently, just to remind him he's there. "I'll see you in the morning," he murmurs, before turning around and leaving for good.
He somehow makes it back to his own room without running into anyone or anything. He slumps on his previously abandoned bed, the sheets still twisted together.
'Well, shit," Jim Kirk thinks to himself. 'What the fuck am I supposed to do now?'