MY BIG BROTHER
"Listen to my words or else you'll regret it for the rest of your life," my mother yelled as I slammed the door behind me. "Hana, Hana… come back here."
Someone suddenly grabbed my arm and turned me around. "Where do you think you're going?" my older brother asked with a worried look on his face.
"Out of here! Anywhere…. Just not here," I uttered as I tried hard to control my tears.
"Don't take Mom's words so seriously. You know, she's just drunk… So don't be upset okay?" Michael said while trying to convince me to stay.
I quickly shook my head. "No, Michael. I am tired. She always blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life. She hates me. You're the only one she loves. You're her savior and angel while I am the jinx and the devil in her eyes."
"Hana," my brother uttered. He knew that what I said was true. "Don't be like that… Come on relax… Breathe in, breathe out," he jokingly said. He then took out a piece of bubblegum from his pocket. "Here, I bought your favorite bubblegum on my way home. Just forget about your little misunderstanding with Mom okay," he said with a grin.
Michael always knew how to make me calm down. He always knew how to make me feel better. He understood me like no one else did.
As for our mother, she had different views regarding us. She always gave my brother what he wanted while I always had to beg or most of the time work in order to buy myself what I needed or wanted. She was very unfair in everything. She gave all the expensive things to my brother and the cheap ones to me. Even the housework was unevenly divided but since my brother grew up being nice and supportive. He would still help me whenever our mother wasn't around.
Even though my brother grew up being loved and well pampered, he didn't become spoiled or unkind. In fact, he became a very loving and supportive brother. And this was the only reason why I stayed. There were many times that I had thought about running away. But whenever the idea crossed my mind, he always pops up and somehow changes everything.
I loved Michael. He was my light and the only one I could lean on.
But everything changed.
The time came that he had to go and study in a school far from our place. I cried and cried, while begging him not to go. But he just shook his head and gently kissed my forehead.
"I can't stay," he uttered. "Just be a good girl and stay here with Mom. She needs you," he gently said.
"Then I'll go with you… Please take me with you. Don't leave me here. I won't be able to bear one day… alone with her," I uttered between sobs.
He then gently caressed my head just like he used to do. "Don't talk like that. Remember when I said the time will come that she will learn to love you? Well that time is now. Make her see her mistakes, make her see the beautiful side of you that she hasn't seen before. She has always centered her whole world around me, maybe when I am gone… she will learn how to center her eyes on you instead."
I cried and buried my face in his chest. "But… but it won't be the same without you. "
"Don't worry. Hmmm, how about I think of a way so that you won't miss me?" he asked.
"How?" I asked curiously.
He laughed. "Ahhh, how about if I promise you that I will send you a package full of bubblegum every week? That way, you will always remember me, and every time that you're mad with her or you're sad… you can just think of me while chewing the bubblegum I sent," he said again with a laugh.
I somehow couldn't stop myself from laughing. "You're really silly. What are you thinking? I am not a little kid anymore. I am already fifteen. You don't have to bribe me with bubblegum. The least you could do is bribe me with something more expensive," I said with a light laugh.
He laughed then embraced me tighter.
I don't know why. But something changed. His embrace was more full of love and warmth… It was like he was saying goodbye.
Days, Weeks, Months, Years passed.
It's been 6 years.
Just like what he promised, he sent me a package containing my favorite bubblegum… every week without fail. I always wrote to him but he never wrote me back. Instead he would send me a cassette tape together with the bubble gum. He would tell me about his study abroad, his new friends, his new girlfriend, his new teacher… he told me everything with what was going on in his life.
I always asked in my letters why he couldn't come home and visit us. But he would always say in his tape that he was too busy or it was too expensive. He made up so many excuses that there were times that I felt like something was totally wrong.
Days before my graduation from college, I sent him a letter asking him if it would be okay if he came to my graduation. But just like expected, he just sent a package with bubble gum and a tape. In the tape, he said that a week after my graduation he would give me something special.
My heart became excited. I thought that he would finally come home. But I was wrong.
A week after my graduation, no Michael came home. Instead my mother suddenly called me into the living room and gently asked me to sit down.
Fear immediately filled my heart. I knew something dreadful was coming.
My mother carefully gave me a package. It was the usual package that I receive from Michael every week.
I sighed. "Another package? Great!" I said with sarcasm.
My mother looked at me with sadness in her eyes. "I think you should open that package first. And please no matter what you hear… please keep an open mind. Your brother loves you very much."
Somehow my hands trembled as I carefully placed the tape into the cassette player.
"Happy Graduation Hana," Michael's voice said with so much joy. "I know that you're very disappointed that I wasn't able to attend your graduation. I am sorry. I… I really wish that I could." There was a long silence. "It's been 6 years hasn't it? Such a very long time… a very long time indeed… that I have been deceiving you. I am sorry Hana. I am sorry… I didn't want to lie to you but there was really no other way," he said as his voice sounded like he was crying. "Remember the day that I left? I told you that I was going away to study abroad… I lied Hana. I didn't go to another country and I didn't go to school either. I… I just stayed in a hospital near our place. I am sorry… I lied."
"Hospital? Why? Why?" I was already asking out loud.
"Ever since I was born, I have already been diagnosed with a rare heart condition. All the doctors thought that I wouldn't be able to survive the first 10 years of my life. But I proved them wrong. I was already seven years old when you were born. Somehow you gave my life a new meaning. Imagine… I was a big brother to a beautiful baby sister. During that time I already knew my real condition, and so I asked our mother a very big favor. I asked her to never tell you that I was sick. I wanted to be your big brother. I wanted you to look up to me and be proud of me. How can you possibly be proud of a sick brother? And so I asked everyone around you to keep my sickness a secret. I am sorry… I know that no matter how much I ask for your forgiveness. I know it won't change what I have done. But believe me when I say that I only did it to protect you from the pain. I didn't want to see pity in your eyes. I wanted your pure love and not pity. I was already sick and tired of people giving me the look of sympathy and I certainly didn't want to see that in your eyes. I wanted to look at you and see myself as… me. Do you understand what I mean right?" He then sobbed. "Ever since you were born, I said to myself that I would love you with all my heart and I would show you what a wonderful brother I am. But I knew my life was nearing its end. And I didn't want to destroy your life just because of sadness. That's why I chose to stay away. You were already having a hard time coping with your life. A life that was really made complicated by me."
As I listened to his words, my tears were already flowing. Somehow I couldn't believe the things that I was hearing. Everything was just like a bad dream, a bad dream that I wanted to wake up from.
"Mom didn't really love me more than you… The only reason why she showered me with more attention is because she knew I was dying… and that anytime I might suddenly collapse and never wake up again. She was so protective of me because she was afraid that any kind of physical stress might complicate my condition and that is why she gave all the housework to you. As for the material things she always gave me… she just did it because she knew I had limited time to enjoy things. She always said that since you weren't sick she could always make it up to you later… I know that it wasn't right. But there wasn't really anything I could do. I am sorry, Hana. I am the reason why your life became so hard. I was the reason why our mother never gave you enough attention and love. But… I know everything will be all right now. By the time that you're listening to this tape, I know I will no longer be around."
After I heard his last word, I suddenly cried out loud. "NO! NO! NO!" I repeatedly cried out..
"Sorry my beautiful little sister, I am sorry for all the pain and hardship I made you go through. I tried to be strong as long as I can. But my body was already very weak during the time that I said goodbye to you. I am very happy that I was able to spend the remaining time I had with you. Now that I am gone, I hope that you will try to give our mother another chance. Try to understand her, and please take care of her… for me. Promise me, you will always take care of yourself and always be brave no matter what happens. I may not be beside you physically but I will always be with you… inside your heart. Take care, Hana. Always remember your big brother will always love you."
Now I knew the truth. Now I finally understood everything. I guess I was blind. And I thought that I was the only one suffering. I was very wrong.
As the tape stopped playing, I was already crying uncontrollably. Slowly my mother took me into her arms. it was the first time that I felt her embrace. "Michael tried to live as long as he can. He wanted to finish the tapes he promised you. Before he died, he made me promise to send those packages containing the tapes and bubble gums every week until after your graduation. He didn't want you to be affected by his death. He wanted you to think that he was still alive and well. I am sorry too Hana. I know I have been a very bad mother to you. Can you forgive me?"
With tears in my eyes, I quickly returned my mother's warm embrace. "Yes, mother. Let's start from the very beginning. For Michael… let's start all over again."