"Everytime!" Her voice was harsh, and I felt a sting of guilt. "Everytime!" She repeated. I looked up at her miserably and she was flushed in her anger. "It might have been a lovely afternoon but you always ruin everything with your stupid self-pity! I'm tired of your single topic of conversation - Legolas! And your self inflicted pain, my goodness Vera! Enough is enough!" She was pacing in front of me and I was wishing the tree I was sitting against would swallow me up.
"Anira I know." I said. My voice sounded not my own, very far away and strained. She stopped and stared down at me.
"Don't look so misreable." She said in a kinder voice, though still exasperated. "I am sorry for being so mean but your constant talk of your suffering bring surffering onto me. I'm sorry." She sat down in front of me and I just sighed.
"I know I ruin many sunny afternoons... but I really can't help myself." She nodded.
"I know." She said softly. "And I'm more sorry for that."
Anira was my dearest friend.
"So what sall we do, hmm?" I asked, desperatley composing my face into a smile. "To the river?" She had the strangest look on her face.
"No. No, it's no good. You're in one of your moods, and if you don't talk about what you're thinking you're going to be brooding all day. No good will come if you act like you're fine, because you're not. I'm alright with sitting here and listening, though I never can help..." She was very sincere. I felt a surge of relief.
"I'm lucky to have you Anira." I said smiling a weak smile. She laughed.
"You're telling me! We have been best friends for 260 years this April and there's no helping it now." We both smiled hugely. "Now, do begin so we might finish before dark."
"Well today we were walking through the gardens. He was on his way to the archery range and I was on my way to go lay on the East hill and watch clouds, I don't know." She smiled sadly. "I know!" I cried. "The excuses I make to spend ten minutes with him... But anyways - we were talking and laughing and I was so happy ... but then Calanon comes up and it's suddenly as though I'm not there and they go walking along talking and I just fall back Ani because I felt so put out you know." I leaned back against the tree.
"Well you know all men are like that - Legolas is just -" She shook her head.
"I know. There's more. You know that lunch today, I wanted to sit with him of course and we had our seats before the crowd began to come in and I was on his right... Well I get up deciding to go put on a more elegant dress, because you know all the High ups were going to be there... but I come back and - he's pulling the chair I was sitting in out for Maethoriel." Ani frowned.
"Oh! I don't like her." Ani said in a very supportive way...
"Nor do I... but there then she was sitting by him. In the chair I left... But it should have been assumed, I think, that I would return to it! He's thoughtless. So I just go to the farthest end of the table, eat as quickly as I can manage, and left to meet you on the terrace. A wretched day. Besides you of course dear."
"Well on the bright side at least you were invited to dine with all of them! I ate in the kitchen you know." I rolled my eyes.
"You wouldn't have liked it anyways."
"I know, all those pompous people... But Maethoriel huh?" I felt my expression darken.
"Yes. If Legolas wants to eat every lunch from here to eternity with her he can... Though I'd hate every day of my life if that were the case." She nodded.
"Well, how about this : Maethoriel is only a Silvan elf. We Silvan elves are nothing when standing next the Sindar here... "
"Please! If that were true why was she at the lunch? Her family is held in high esteem Ani."
"Only because her father is Top-Guard of the ElvenKing's halls! Chief of security... Vera. You are a Galadriel's niece. You are a Noldor."
"Well it makes no difference... either way. Sindar are friends with Sindar and Silvan with Silvan... there are few exceptions but I see that Maethoriel is one." I felt that wretchedly familiar, horrible feeling of sinking. "I love him with all of myself Ani and it makes no difference because he is Legolas. And yes I am a Noldor! What does that mean?"
"That you're the best!" She said brightly but I glared at her.
"No! That's the kind of thing that makes everything so impossible! I might as well be nothing. My being a Noldor seperates me and Legolas and it's not fair. Why can't all elves view each other as equals? Men think not on our differences. They know us only as elves. But our titles and distinctions that we have among ourselves ruin everything."
"Vera dear. Calm yourself. You work yourself up."
"Yes, with much cause." She looked at me sadly.
"I'm sorry you feel so much about all of this - and I'm sorry Legolas is so stupid sometimes."
"Most times..." She smiled.
"One day he'll learn, or wake up or see or whatever! ... It'll work out."
"How?"
"I don't know, it's a mystery."
"Well that's comforting." She laughed.
"Well it's true, I know it. There's nothing else for it! You've ranted and I do hope you feel better."
"I don't."
"Well how's this? Maethoriel is a silly elf and she and Legolas are never going to be together, trust me. That would be ridiculous. Legolas is a dumb man who spends most of his time not thinking... there's nothing else to say. Oh! yes there is - you're looking extra beautiful today." I laughed.
"Thank you! It must be the gown. I wore it for him ... and I was so far away he probably didn't even notice."
"Oh please! That neckline is so low it would be impossible for any man in the room not to!"
"Wow Ani," I laughed as she lept up, pulling me with her. "That's just what I wanted to hear." I was feeling suddenly giddy, and my troubles didn't seem quite so heavy any more. "You're such a fantastic friend."
" Oh I know! I do what I can." She looked up at the sky. "That was a fast chat, considering. Can we to the river now?"
"Yes!" I laughed. "Let's to the river. I'll race you."
And then we were running.
But as I ran I thought, which was never good for me...
I thought about the sheer impossibility of Legolas ever loving me as I did him.
I though of all the forces in the world that were working against my dream.
My heart was so desperate for my love to be requited... My soul really ached.
We reached the river and Ani just continued to run right into the rushing waters, laughing and enjoying the day.
But my day was ruined.
I felt ruined.
I flung myself on the bank and watched, not really seeing.
If only I could win this! Was the thought screaming through my head.
What does it take?
I sighed and covered my face in my hands. The ultimate display of human defeat, that gesture.
What a world.