Disclaimer: JKR owns it, I'm just having fun.

WE DON'T NEED NO SUBSTITUTIONS!

That was the incredulous reaction from Quidditch players last night when the Department of Magical Games and Sports announced that it would be allowing the substitution of injured players.

"Player injuries are on the rise," said a red-faced Departmental representative last night. "especially among Seekers. And the inability to be substituted can not only make injuries worse if they are left untreated or compounded by additional injuries, they can also leave teams short of a player, which is simply not fair. So from now on if a player is injured in a game, there will be an automatic time-out and the team will be allowed to substitute another player from a reserve team. Everything will be much safer and fairer."

At this point the Departmental representative was force to retreat as the angry crowd started to bombard him with bludgers, forcing Wizards from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement to arrive and disperse the rioting crowd.

One middle-aged retired Beater later commented, "A key Beater strategy from the start has been to reduce the other team's effectiveness with injuries and thus gain his team an advantage. What's the point anymore?"

Daily Prophet, 17 August, 1885

DON'T SLASH OUR SEEKERS!

That was the cry heard from Quidditch fans across the nation last night when the Department of Magical Games and Sports announced that it was significantly reducing the importance of the Seeker position.

"Seeker's are still important," an irritated Departmental representative commented last night "But we have noticed that the game of Quidditch is unfair and imbalanced when the Seeker can score 150 points all at once, which means that not only does the Seeker outshine the rest of the team and relegate them to secondary status in the game, but the Seeker is essentially playing a separate game against the opposing Seeker. Surely you can see that it is a matter of fairness to the rest of the team. So from now on catching the Snitch only ends the game with no additional points. If the score tied when the Snitch is caught, the game continues until one team scores, which will counted as a Golden Goal worth the original 150 points. Now everything will be nice and fair."

At this point the Departmental representative was forced to retreat under a hail of snitch-sized rocks from the angry crowd assembled in the hall. Although no arrests were made after the ensuing riot, there can be no doubt that Quidditch fans across Britain are tonight mourning the end of the game as we know it.

"It just won't be the same game anymore," said an apple-cheeked elder wizard. "The Snitch has always been worth 150 points, ever since the Snidget was first introduced into the game. Now it won't be any fun at all."

Daily Prophet, 23 October, 1886

SCREW YOUR TIME LIMITS!

That was the stunned reaction of Quidditch fans across Britain last night when the Department of Magical Sports and Games announced that Quidditch games would henceforth be timed.

"I don't see why this is even controversial," said a harassed-looking Departmental representative, "just look at history where games dragged on for far too long because the Snitch was not being caught, or alternatively when the Snitch was caught very early on. This is simply unfair to both spectators and players. This new rule will provide another way for the game to end aside from the Snitch being caught and will also ensure that games now have a more consistent length. Game tickets can be expensive and it is unfair to shell out all that money only to have the game end in five minutes. So henceforth Quidditch games will be divided into two 30 minutes halves, with a 30 minute break in between. The Snitch will only be released in the second half, which means that in the first half the Seeker will assist the Chasers. If the Snitch has not been caught at the end of the second half, there will be up to three ten minute overtime periods, after which if the Snitch has still not been caught the game will be called in favor of the team with the higher score. In the event that the score is tied at the end of the third overtime period, the game will be resolved with a Golden Goal. Now everything will be much more consistent and fair."

At this point the Departmental representative was forced to retreat as the angry crowd started to throw watches and clocks at him. Wizards from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement arrived to disperse the crowd.

One freckle-faced eight-year old girl left the hall in tears.

"The best part of the game was never knowing when it would end. Now it's ruined!"

Daily Prophet, 7 November, 1887