The Queers Are Here!
HARRY: I wonder where Dumbledore is.
RON: Yes, where is that frisky little man?
SNAPE: I haven't found the headmaster in over a week.
HERMIONE: Over a week? Maybe he's dead.
VOLDEMORT: He's dead? That sucks! I wanted to kill him myself, but someone beat me to the punch!
HARRY: Go away, Voldemort.
VOLDEMORT: No! I'm not missing my chance again! Oooh, look, Piras Hotlin. I'd get an award for that!
DUMBLEDORE: Hello, everyone. I'm back. Oh, Ron, you've got something on your robe; let me get it with my hand. Oh, that feels so good. Nevermind, it was just air. (goes away)
VOLDEMORT: Oh, good! I haven't missed my chance! Piras, oh, Piras! I'll be back for you later.
HERMIONE: Oh, that's weird. He was looking at Ron's ... package ... rather seductively.
RON: You're just jealous!
SNAPE: Now, children, the Headmaster is not a pervert, or gay, or a pedophile, at least I hope not.
HARRY: Well, that would be weird if he was. It would be like Meichal Josackn's grandfather running a school full of magical children. But he was still looking at Ron's ... package ... awfully seductively.
RON: Ooooh, he wants - uh, I mean, um, ewwwwwwwww, that's disgusting.
DUMBLEDORE- Mr. Weasly, can I see you in my office please. I need to speak with you privately.
RON: YAY! He wants me! I mean, um, he wants to, um, talk to me, uh, about my, um, magic stuff. Okay then, bye.
HERMIONE: Maybe we should follow and make sure he doesn't get raped.
HARRY: I don't think he would get raped.
HERMIONE: What do you mean?
HARRY: I'm pretty sure it would be consensual.
HERMIONE: Are you saying that Ron is gay?
HARRY: Maybe.
SNAPE: He always did seem a little fruity.
HERMIONE: Well, whether it's rape or consensual, it's still illegal.
HARRY: Yeah, and besides, no one wants to see an old guy and a kid doing it.
SNAPE: You children frighten me. (harry and hermione leave) sing Snape, Snape, Severus Snape end sing Oh, what's the point
SCENE CHANGE
HERMIONE: So, do you really think he's gay?
HARRY: I don't know. He never seemed all that gay. But a straight man doesn't parade around naked. Makes you wonder. . .
HERMIONE: Do you think Ron's gay, too?
HARRY: Oh, yeah, definitely. He always seemed a little queer. And no man has a voice that girly.
SNAPE: What are you two parasites doing?
HARRY: We're listening in on the gay guys.
SNAPE: The Headmaster is not gay, but your friend probably is. Move over; I gotta go borrow some magic stuff. I just need to borrow some magic stuff, Headmaster - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
DUMBLEDORE: (wearing a t-shirt that says 'I'm GAY) Barbie is a (censored). She is just a witch.
RON: I really hate her. Why does Ken date her?
DUMBLEDORE: Ken is such a man. I'd do all I can
RON: Just to do him.
DUMBLEDORE AND RON: We just wanna screw him.
HARRY: Oh! I was right! They are fruits! You owe me nine sickles and a dungbomb.
HERMIONE: But you always just seemed like a crazy old man and a flamboyant school boy.
SNAPE: This is so wrong, on so many levels.
DUMBLEDORE: No! This isn't what it looks like! I'm not gay!
RON: It's true! It's not like we did it! We were just having fun!
HARRY: Well, if you were just having fun. . .
RON: Not that kind of fun, pervert!
SNAPE: Why are you wearing a shirt with rainbows and butterflies?
RON: Uh, it's my sister's.
HARRY: Your sister doesn't have a shirt like that. Even she thinks it's too girly.
RON: Ginny's a lesbian. Of course she thinks it's too girly.
DUMBLEDORE: And she told me she has a thing for you.
HERMIONE: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.
HARRY: Well, like brother like sister.
SNAPE: This is awkward. I'm leaving.
RON: No, Snape, don't go!
HARRY: What, do you have a thing for him?
DUMBLEDORE: Ron, I thought we had something special.
RON: I don't have a thing for Snape.
SNAPE: Oh, thank God.
RON: But my brother Percy does.
SNAPE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Is your whole family gay?
RON: Pretty much. Except my parents, Bill, and Charlie. They're straight. (shudders)
HARRY: Does that mean Fred and George are gay with each other?
RON: No. They both love you.
HARRY: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
HERMIONE: Well, this whole thing is making me very uncomfortable. I'm leaving.
DUMBLEDORE: Severus, Harry, you better leave too. Ron and I got ... stuff ... to do.
RON: Yeah, please leave now.
SNAPE: Are you two gonna do it?
RON: No!
HARRY: Sure you're not. A couple of queer boys wanna be left alone to talk about their feelings, right? I can see right through it. . .
DUMBLEDORE: Get the hell outta here!!
Scene Change
HARRY: I was right! They are fruits!
HERMIONE: Ron came out of the closet, but Dumbledore didn't.
SNAPE: Hello, he was wearing a shirt that says "I'm GAY" and he was singing the gay Barbie song. How much more proof do you need? Oh, and by the way, ten points from Gryffindor.
HARRY: For being right?
SNAPE: No! For proving me wrong!
HARRY: But I didn't prove you wrong. You said that Dumbledore wasn't gay for Ron and technically, he's not. Ron's already gay for him, so he cannot be gay for him, because he's already gay for him. So, in conclusion, you were right and I was wrong.
SNAPE: What are you talking about?
HARRY: What am I NOT talking about. That's the question. For it is only through knowing what I'm not talking about that you can truly understand what I am.
SNAPE: You pipsqueaks make my brain hurt. Did I take points away from Gryffindor, Mr. Potter?
HARRY: Yes. 173.
SNAPE: Then 173 points for Gryffindor because you said I was right, I think. And 50 points from Gryffindor, because no one wants to see your friend do the gay Barbie dance.
HARRY: That seems fair.
VOLDEMORT: Is he still alive?
HERMIONE: Yes, and he's gay.
VOLDEMORT: Dumbledore's gay? That'll make him twice as much fun to kill! But first, I've got to find Piras .
Scene Change
HARRY: Let's go bother Snape.
HERMOINE: Why?
HARRY: Why not?
HERMOINE: Can't argue with that logic.
Scene Change
HARRY AND HERMOINE: Bother bother bother bother.
SNAPE: You children get off me & stop causing a rumpus.
HERMOINE: What are you doing, Snape?
SNAPE: I'm listening in on the gay conversation but I hear a 3rd voice. It's not as high as Ron's but it still sounds gay. (opens door)
Who else is in here?
RON: Just Meichal Josackn.
HARRY, HERMOINE AND SNAPE: Oh my God!
HARRY: OK, no need to panic. I'm 13, I'm safe.
MJ: What are you talking about? My age limit is 17.
HARRY: Oh, I'm going to run away now.
MJ: Relax, I'm not here to go boy scouting. I'm just here to see Grandpa.
HARRY: Wait a minute, I was right again, you owe me 10 sickles.
MJ: Well, since you suggested it.
HARRY: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STRANGER DANGER!!
HERMOINE: Well I have nothing to worry about.
MJ: What are you talking about, little boy.
HERMOINE: I'M A GIRL!
MJ: Oh, my bad.
DUMBLEDORE: OK, how's this sound? Hee hee!
MJ: No Grandpa, you're doing it wrong. You do it like this hee hee.,
SNAPE: What was that?
MJ: That was my fun sound effect.
SNAPE: You know, some people say I resemble you.
MJ: I don't see it, I actually smile.
HARRY: You do look like him, just very gothic.
HERMOINE: And very depressed.
SNAPE: I still don't see it.
MJ: Yeah, me neither.
HARRY: So, Dumbledore, did your grandson inspire you to become gay?
DUMBLEDORE: No, I've always been gay.
HARRY: OOOOOOOOOOH, he finally came out of the closet!
HERMOINE: What about Ron?
RON: Me too.
HERMOINE: Wow, I have really bad gaydar.
MJ: I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not gay.
SNAPE: Oh come on everyone knows you sleep with little boys in the night.
MJ: That doesn't prove anything.
HARRY: Yes it does cause you sleep with them.
DUMBLEDORE: It's ok, Michael, you be don't have to be ashamed.
MJ: I'm not ashamed because I'm not gay and I'm not a pedophile.
HARRY: What was all that talk about your age limit.
MJ: Uh that was a joke.
HERMOINE: Only a pervert would joke about that.
MJ: JUST SHUT UP ALL OF YOU! shimona (leaves)
RON: What's a shimona?
DUMBLEDORE: I don't know.
ROLL CREDITS
DUMBLEDORE: Hiya Ron.
RON: Hi Dumbledore.
DUMBLEDORE: You wanna go for a ride?
RON: On what?
DUMBLEDORE: On this!
(music plays)
RON: Barbie is a , she is just a witch.
DUMBLEDORE: I really hate her, why does Ken date her.
RON: Ken is such a man, I'd do all I can.
DUMBLEDORE: Just to do him, we just wanna SCREW HIM.
RON: She's such a I wanna scratch her eyes out. I have dreamed about Ken being inside my den and we hold and we kiss like we're sweethearts.
DUMBLEDORE: But that Barbie's a slut with her cute little butt and I guess Ken likes boobs made of fake parts.
RON: And I cry every day cuz straight up that is in my way.
D: Barbie is a , she is just a witch.
R: I really hate her, why does Ken date her?
D: Ken is such a man I'd do all I can.
R and D: Just to do him we just wanna SCREW HIM!
D: When I see her I will knee her
R: OOOOOH ooooh OOOH
D: I will punch her and I'll crunch her.
R: OOOHHHHHH Oh yes. Hey Dumbledore.
D: What, Ron?
R: Look who's over there.
D: Well if it isn't Barbie w/o Ken in that stupid California dream van.
R: Hey Barbie come over here look it's us.
D: Take that you little slut!
R: You hooker!
D: You !
R: Oh let's get out of here let's skip this.
AFTER CREDITS SCENE
PIRAS HOTLIN: Being a slut is sooooooooo hot.
VOLDEMORT: Hello Ms. Hilton, it's time to die.
PIRAS : What?
VOLDEMORT: Avada Kedavra!
PIRAS : Nooooooooo, this is so not hot! (dies)
(Voldemort leaves and Snape enters)
SNAPE: Oh, I'm going to have some fun with this. (Drags Piras ' body offstage and leaves)
:) THE END :)