Author's Note: I've been looking around and all my stuff is kinda dark. So... I decided to attempt something on the humorous side of BB/Rae. I think it's funny anyway. And cute, but I am bias. Hopefully you plural shall have fun with it! And don't be intimidated by the length, most of it's dialog that goes comparatively fast. My brain's not quite working, so I'll just bid you to enjoy and shut up. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: No mental energy to come up with a clever way to say I own nothing; all waisted on freaking out about IB summer homework. Seriously, I'm having passive panic attacks here.
Villains in Jump City rarely qualified as 'normal' people – err, individuals. Some took offense if you called them people. Some took offense if you didn't. They were rarely even mildly strange. On average, a Jump villain ranged from the particularly odd to the certifiably insane and total whack-jobs. Fruitcakes were common and weirdo's running around in questionable attire such as bubble wrap was a frequent site. The city had even funded a separate high security prison on the outskirts of town complete with its own high end psych ward and world class doctors just for the criminals the Titans dealt with. Ironically, despite numerous protests and tax increases, people were still breaking out of that particular prison. But of all the nuts that tried to take over, blow up, or otherwise aggravate Jump, the one now standing before the Titans was by far one of the most... eccentric.
Over by the video game shop, attempting to zap random civilians, was a woman that, on a good day, would have looked at home in a straight jacket. Her distinctly salmon hair, splotched with a hot pink that rivaled Jinx's, was piled onto of her head in a poor attempt at a bee-hive. Unfortunately, it's frizzed nature made the style quite impossible to maintain, so instead of a neat little 50's do, she had a two-and-a-half foot pile sliding off the right side of her head like a giant rat's nest with several inch long locks poking out in random places at strange angles, holding their shapes like wire. She was wearing what could best be described as a flapper's dress improvised from a cream shower curtain spattered with hearts and palm trees. She had a very dark farmer's tan and a rather muscular build that contrasted with her sharp little features. Her eyes would have been unremarkable, normally sized, and brown, if it hadn't been for the glint of pure, manic, insanity dancing like a stoned hippie within them.
She was gripping a crooked bow that looked very much like a giant Coke straw and kept pulling arrows out of thin air and firing them at no one in particular. The arrows themselves were arguably the strangest thing about her. They were stubby, their shafts shaped like they were once strait, then someone had tied them into a knot, and made out of some kind of striped orange wood that might have come out of a Doctor Seuss book. Their feathers were more like confetti and their heads appeared to be shaped green soap. It was really a miracle they fired at all, though her aim didn't appear to be too good. The arrows kept hitting things like mail boxed and lamp posts and exploding into hundreds of floating heart shaped bubbles, leaving nothing more than a scorch mark behind. Overall, a Cupid wannabe gone terribly wrong.
"I am Lovewarp the Unsound," she cried in a shrill voice. "I am yet unknown to you, but you shall soon know my heart-wrenching wrath!"
"Ok man, time out. Where did you even come up with that name?" Cyborg was so busy debating whether to laugh or slap himself he barely managed to dodge the would-be arrow she sent his way with a cackle.
"Monty Python skit," tried Raven, her voice dripping with sarcasm as she hurtled a car at the crazed looking girl. She dodged easily, doing a dramatic twist in the air and firing at the empath.
"Online generator, actually." Raven engulfed the arrow in black energy and dropped it carelessly to the ground. "Pretty cool, huh?"
"Not the word I would use," muttered Robin under his breath, breaking out his bo staff and launching himself at 'Lovewarp'.
"Please, what is the matter with this combination of words? Why is it such an inappropriate title?"
"Star, can we talk about this later?"
"Is this like the 'girl friend' phrase?"
"Not exactly... the phrasing is just a little awkward."
"I do not see the logic in your argument."
"You are all simply baffled by my genius!"
"You used an online evil name generator, remember?"
"Dude, even I could come up with something better than that! Without the generator!"
"Please, don't try."
"Come on Rae! I may not be Einstein, but I'm creative!"
"Do I smell a lover's quarrel?"
"Trust me lady," snorted Cyborg none too discretely. "If you had any idea how far off the mark you are..."
"I just love lover's quarrels," she continued, oblivious to his sniggering. "I love to play with them!" Both Beast Boy and Raven stopped dead in their respective bantering positions, staring at the lunatic in utter disbelief.
"Raven, I think she's talking about us."
"Are you insinuating that there is something going on between us?"
"I'm not insinuating anything," Lovewarp said defensively, a wide smile twisting her lips as she thought of a smart comeback. "I'm suggesting it!" It took everyone a minute to fully register that one. Her comeback had been the use of a synonym. She'd just demonstrated how far-gone she was, and that was beyond their help. But not their amusement. Cyborg snorted in laughter, Robin cradled his head in his hands and groaned, and Starfire looked pleasantly confused. Raven and Beast Boy were too busy looking between each other and Lovewarp to really care how lacking she was.
"You mean," started Beast Boy uncertainly, pointing sideways at Raven and giving the villain a crocked look. "We sound like we're... involved."
"Like an old married couple."
"She's got a point there, B."
"Lay off, Cy!"
"That's preposterous! Him and I? We'd sooner kill each other!"
"Yeah! What she said! Wait, what?"
"Lover's quarrel."
"Shut it! Or so help me-"
"So are you saying you'd rather kill me than date me?"
"Beast Boy, I was exaggerating."
"But still! You'd rather kill me than date me!"
"Are you saying you'd prefer I dated you?"
"Guys; maybe this isn't the best time to be having this conversation."
"Well, I'd rather be stuck on a date with you than dead!" Raven landed next to him noiselessly, pausing for a moment and giving him the coldest of glares which foretold the coming of a woman's scorn.
"Stuck on a date with me," she repeated quietly. Beast Boy didn't catch the hint.
"Yeah, stuck on a date with you! I'm saying it's better than being dead!"
"Well maybe I'd rather be dead than stuck on a date, or any form of private excursion for that matter, with you!"
"Low blow, Rae, low blow." Beast Boy's mouth worked furiously but no sound came out. Raven looked over at him smugly, clearly satisfied with herself. A low cackle broke the stalemate, reminding everyone that there was still an un-captured criminal in their midst.
"Sounds like someone's a little conflicted," Lovewarp the Unsound taunted, readying her oddly shaped bow and conjuring a 'special' arrow. It didn't look much different than the other arrows except immersed in the confetti feathers was a tiny glass ball no bigger than her pinky nail which caught the Californian sunlight, sparkling innocently. "Well, not for long! One of Lovewarp's specialties, just for you." She waved the arrow around a bit more to exaggerate the little glass ball, staring at it mischievously and making it all too clear that the tiny glimmer of light was somehow all important to the attack. "You'll have to admit your heart's desire to escape from this one! And for you, that'll be next to impossible!" And with that, she knocked the arrow... and released it.
"Look out," yelled Robin.
"Beast Boy," screeched Starfire.
"Huh?" Beast Boy blinked once, turning towards Lovewarp as it hit him that the arrow wasn't directed at one of the others. It was speeding towards the small space between Raven and himself, jerking from side to side uncertainly, as if it wasn't quite sure which of them it wanted to pierce. He froze, torn between jumping aside and leaving Raven to fend for herself (which sounded heartless, even though he knew full well she not only could, but would prefer it that way) and throwing himself in front of her. Raven saved him the trouble of deciding. She grabbed his shoulders, intent on shoving him out of harm's way. Unfortunately, Beast Boy was very firmly planted as he debated what to do, so she just ended up standing before him, like she was trying to shield him with her body.
She struggled frantically to push him down to the ground, where he'd be safe, but at that range there was really only one law that could govern her actions. Physically, Beast Boy was stronger than her, taller, and he weighed more. There was no way she could budge him without at least some momentum to back her up. The logical course of action would have been to drop, let Beast Boy take the hit or get out of the way himself, and heal him afterward. Logical, efficient, and effective, but as the thought crossed her mind, another, much more powerful, overshadowed it. 'Not him.' Two words, simple and emotional, yet they articulated an impulse she had rarely felt before. The impulse to stand her ground, to do something she would regret, to act on her feelings, whatever they may be, without thinking things through. 'Not him.' So Raven stood her ground, planting her body between the speeding arrow and Beast Boy for no adequately explored reason. Because she felt like it. Raven wanted to slap herself, but she had a feeling Lovewarp was about to do it for her.
An instant later the arrow landed, but not like anything she'd ever been hit with. It hit her, then continued through her and through Beast Boy, striking the pavement behind them and clattering to rest. There was no pain like she'd expected, no ache or sourness, merely a faint tickling sensation where the arrow had touched her. Based off of the rather stupid smile on Beast Boy's face, she could tell he felt it too. He grinned down at her, his bright green eyes twinkling as if the lack of physical damage was somehow a triumph on their part. Raven frowned, trying to comprehend what had just happened. Of course, this too only lasted a moment. The tickling expanded until it encompassed her entire body and she realized that it wasn't that she was experiencing some kind of rash. She was experiencing something much insidious. Without much more warning than that, she and Beast Boy were sucked like dust into the little glass orb at the end of the arrow. The last thing they heard before the world went dark was somewhat less than encouraging.
"Well... that's not supposed to happen," muttered Lovewarp.
Raven found herself laying on top of something warm and peculiarly comfortable, something that smelled rather woody and was moving up and down slowly. Her head kind of hurt and she felt really very tired, so the temptation to stay where she was and just slip back into unconsciousness was great. Fortunately, Raven was above such things as desire; she had enough control over herself to get up regardless of how she physically felt. And she would do so. She was going to get up and get to work. Hard productive work. She was going to get up. Any minute now... "Raven," whispered a voice timidly, masculine and mature, but still a little high and slightly nasally, like a tenor. "Raven, wake up." She groaned at the summoning, ignoring it. "Rae, you weigh next to nothing, but you landed on my shin. So if you could very carefully get off of me, that would be great." Landed on his shin? As in landed on top of Beast Boy? Raven's eyes snapped open and she rolled to one side as quickly as possible, smacking Beast Boy, who had the misfortune of being her cushion, with one arm and elbowing him in the stomach with the other.
"How long," she demanded curtly.
"Just a minute," gasped Beast Boy as he curled up into a little ball on the floor, cradling his wounds.
"What did you do?!"
"Nothing! You landed on me, remember." She regarded him suspiciously, evaluating the guilt levels in his tone.
"You didn't..."
"I have no idea what you're asking, but no! I didn't!"
"Don't play dumb."
"I swear, I didn't do anything!"
"If I find evidence otherwise."
"I woke up, you were sleeping on top of me, I woke you up. Happy?"
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"Fine," she snapped, turning her back on him so he wouldn't see the blush that had bloomed in her cheeks and checking herself to make sure she was prank free. "Where are we?"
"Beats me. All I've had to look at since I've been conscious is your hair." She thought about saying something, but decided it wasn't worth it. Raven had it on good authority that Beast Boy liked her hair, so instead she occupied herself with a more useful task. She looked around. They were in a room that looked almost exactly like the Titan's living room: grey and red carpet, huge TV screen, kitchen with bar style seating, obnoxious yellow couch, large computer type machinery. The only noticeable differences were that they were the only two there (something that rarely happened) and where the walls and windows had been there was now a giant glass dome. It maintained the general size of the room, so nothing was drastically out of proportions (fitting a square room into a circular dome was bound to create some disfiguration), but instead of being transparent like most glass, it simply displayed every thing's stretched reflection. Raven stared up at herself in the ceiling for a moment before becoming nauseous and turning her attention to the more pressing problem of what this was and how to get out of it.
"Where are we?"
"If I had to guess," answered Beast Boy uncertainly, getting to his feet. "I'd say were either in an alternate dimension or that little glass bit on that arrow. Or both." Raven arched a delicate eyebrow in surprise and he sent her a sullen look. "I'm not completely brain-dead, ya know."
"Of course not," Raven said, patronizing him. She walked over to their coffee table and stretched her hand over one of the X-Box controllers, intent on levitating it into the wall as a test. It didn't move. "Azarath Metrion Zinthos," she muttered under her breath. Nothing happened.
"What are you doing?"
"Be quiet, I need to concentrate."
"Can't you just wave your hand and move it?"
"If I am allowed enough peace to focus." Raven closed her eyes, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach and accomplish the task at hand.
"Come on, Rae," he teased good naturedly, coming over to her side and grabbing her arm softly. "Just do it!" He moved her hand before she could wriggle free, pushing it gently but firmly through the air as if forcing her to slap an invisible being. The controller shot up, slammed itself into the glass ten feet above their head and fell back to the ground without leaving so much as a smudge. A faint 'ding' rang out and then everything was silent again. Raven jerked out of his grasp, sending him a chilling look.
"That's not how I 'do it' Beast Boy," she chided. He put his hands up defensively, grinning. She turned her back on him and looked at the remote, holding out her hand discreetly. It didn't twitch. Biting her lip, she made a gesture under her cloak as if to bat a fly. Nothing. A grim realization began to take hold of her stomach and her eyes widened fearfully.
"Raven? Raven what is it?
"Beast Boy, do that again."
"What?"
"Do that again! Swing your arms through the air." Beast Boy swung his arms wildly through the air like a windmill. "No. Like you did before. Look at the remote and picture it hitting the glass." He frowned, but had been decidedly resigned to following her instructions, however odd they may seem, for a while now. Staring at the remote, he held out his hand, then jerked it quickly like he'd thrown the thing. It jumped into the air and zoomed into the wall, releasing a faint 'ding'.
"Whoah."
"Oh Azar..."
"What just happened?"
"Oh Azar!"
"Raven!"
"You have my powers! You have my powers."
"What?"
"What are you not understanding! How could this have happened?"
"Lovewarp. That arrow must have done something to us."
"Obviously."
"You know what I meant."
"If you're talking about the fact that you have my powers, then yes, I know what you're talking about," she snapped, her hands coiling into fists. Somehow, lacking her powers was making it much more difficult to suppress her emotions. "This is quite possibly the worst situation I've ever been in."
"It could be worse."
"Not much. But the fact that we're still alive means that your emotions aren't part of the equation. Thankfully."
"What do you mean 'thankfully'?"
"Oh please. You can control your emotions about as well as a bear could make a salad."
"Dude! I think I have a little more discipline than that!"
"I highly doubt it." They glared at each other in silence for a moment. Then Beast Boy relaxed, sighing and backing off.
"Ok, well, we'll find a way to fix it eventually. You'll get your powers back."
"Really? So how, pray tell, do you plan to accomplish this?" Another silence "Do you have some kind of plan?"
"I haven't gotten that far yet." An exasperated groan. "But I'm sure Cy will come up with a way." Raven picked up a second X-Box controller and threw it hard against the glass. Dong. She made a particularly terrible face and flexed her fingers as if to try and strangle someone, then marched over to the kitchen, sat down on one of the stools, and stared at the wall dejectedly. Awkward turtle... Beast Boy looked over at her, shrugged his shoulders, and started attempting to levitate various objects. The telekinetic abilities responded to his commands seamlessly, much to Raven's frustration.
"What are you doing," she snapped, not looking at him.
"It's not every day you get magical powers, and it's not like I'll have them forever, right? Figure I might as well see what I can do while I can do it, ya know?"
"My abilities are not a toy," she chastised coldly. "They're not just something you can experiment with. They require study, discipline and-"
"Hey, dude," said Beast Boy in a high, excited voice, completely ignoring her. "Check this out." He thrust his arm out in front of him, hand open, and a bolt of black energy shot from his palm. It flew across the room and hit the couch, causing it to explode into small, smoking fragments of fluff. Raven groaned loudly and dropped her head onto the counter, looking like she would have loved nothing more than to shrivel up and disappear from existence. Anything was better than being trapped in an alternate dimension with Beast Boy getting euphoric off of her powers.
"Just kill me, please," she moaned to the granite countertop.
"Dude! This is totally awesome! I had no idea you were packing this much power!"
"It's not the same for me."
"Seems like it's the same."
"Don't be so simple minded!" Raven sat up and spun around, absolute furry burning in her eyes. "You may be able to cavort around like an idiot and get away with it, but I don't have that luxury. There are limitations, which you don't seem to be experiencing. I can't just go around blowing things up without consequences!"
"I realize that Raven. I'm just sayin'-"
"I don't think you do!"
"Are you mad?"
"I don't get mad."
"You and I both know that's not true."
"I have superb control over my emotions, I can't get angry."
"Maybe normally. But I have your powers. You can get as mad as you want and nothing's gonna blow up!"
"I'm not mad."
"Sound like your mad." Pouty silence. "Come one, Rae! Just admit it! You're mad."
"I'm frustrated."
"Mad."
"You are so-" Raven froze mid sentence, glaring at the green boy. He grinned back, eyes twinkling with success. "Idiot." She turned back to the wall, face passive. Beast Boy frowned, staring at her back thoughtfully. Then with a sigh, he walked over and sat down on the stool next to her, facing the opposite direction.
"Don't you think you're overreacting a bit?'
"I have no idea what you're referring to."
"You seem upset."
"Why would I be upset? How could being trapped in a room with an insensitive moron who thinks the world and everything in it are as basic as his own thought process cause me to be upset?" Beast Boy started, glanced over at her, and then stared straight ahead again. His lips pouted, his shoulders slouched and his ears drooped dramatically. Raven took no head. He wrinkled his nose, frowning and holding his breath. Nothing. He let out a reluctant sigh and let a blush color his cheeks.
"I'm sorry for being insensitive," he said sheepishly. "I know that this is nothing like it is for you. I know it's a lot harder when your emotions are running the show."
"Obviously." Beast Boy swallowed his retort and continued.
"I promise not to blow up any more couches... or throw anything else." No response. "Happy?" Raven paused, contemplating his words and savoring his tension. He was giving her the human equivalent of 'The Face'.
"I didn't know you could apologize," Raven said in a playfully scathing tone as soon as the tension got too high, giving him a sideways, 'you are forgiven' look. He grinned back, absurdly glad.
"It's not that I don't know how to say sorry," he lectured jokingly. "I'm just afraid you'll hit me whenever I give it a shot."
"Why would I hit you for apologizing? That's completely irrational."
"I think you just like to hit me." Raven didn't confirm or deny it. "Hey," he said suddenly, perking up. "If I have your powers, then you must have mine, right?"
"Logically," answered Raven cautiously.
"Dude!"
"Not quite what I was thinking..." An impish look came into Beast Boy's eyes and he leaned a little closer to Raven. She didn't react, which he took as clearance to continue with his plan.
"You know what you should do," whispered Beast Boy, leaning in to he was right next to her ear. She placed her pale hand on his face and shoved him out of his chair. He hit the floor with a defining bang but, unfazed by the impact, levitated himself back up so he was lying on his stomach in the air right in front of her. "Turn into something." She sat up and gave him a look that under normal circumstances would have frozen his soul. "It's really fun, and really easy! Well, if you happen to have my powers, which you totally do. Ok, so you-"
"I turned into a rabbit once," Raven said shortly, still glaring at him. "It was in no way, shape, or form fun. Nor was it an experience I would care to repeat."
"Well, you wouldn't have to turn into a rabbit," clarified Beast Boy smartly, holding up his hands and grinning. "There are lots of other animals you could turn into! Like... a squid!"
"A squid," Raven repeated, raising one eyebrow skeptically. Beast Boy's grin faltered a little bit and a blush came into his face. "You have the entire animal kingdom, every creature on the planet Earth, a few from Tamaran, and maybe others to choose from and you suggest I turn into a squid?"
"I like turning into squid," muttered Beast Boy, plopping down on the counter top and sitting cross-legged. "Besides, a squid is better than some animals." Raven's other eyebrow joined the first higher up on her brow, creating an extremely doubtful expression. "Like a platypus. Seriously, have you ever tried turning into a platypus?" Raven groaned again and dropped her head into her hands. Beast Boy blinked down at her, not entirely sure why she was looking so desolate. "It's harder than you'd think. You have to form a mental image and the platypus isn't exactly normal looking. It's, like, six different animals packed into one. Did you know the platypus is venomous?"
"No," said Raven shortly, her forehead still planted in her hands. "I was unaware of that fact. Thank you for enlightening me. Now that I know that platypuses are venomous, I can die happy."
"Well you don't have to be so sarcastic about it. I was just trying to be helpful." She looked up just enough to give him a chilling glare which he ignored completely. "You never know when you're going to meet an angry platypus, but now that you know they're venomous your chances of surviving the angry platypus are much higher. You laugh now, but some day-"
"Beast Boy."
"Hmmm?"
"Stop talking."
"Fine. Fine, we can just sit here... in silence... not using our powers... waiting for the others to get us out." Raven nodded, not looking at him. Beast Boy stared at her for a minute, then he uncrossed his legs and swung them over the edge of to counter top into the kitchen area, then he started to swing them back and forth. She didn't respond to his antics, or even acknowledge they were occurring. Raven just sat there, her head in her hands, looking thoroughly displeased with their situation. Beast Boy blew air through his lips, making them flap obnoxiously. No reaction. He jumped off the counter top and walked over to her other side, a mischievous grin twisting his lips. "Or you know what else we could do?"
"Sit down and shut up?"
"You could turn... into a raven! A raven called-"
"Don't even finish that sentence."
"Come on Rae! I've used your powers, you should use mine!"
"This is no time for jokes!"
"It's always a good time for jokes!"
"Garfield, you don't seem to realize the situation we're in," Raven snapped, her head jerking up as she got to her feet. "Let me clarify. We have been trapped, by a raving psychopath, who switched our powers for no apparent reason other than to mess with us, inside a snow-globe that looks like our living room, with no hope of ever getting out unless Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg find a way to free us or we do it ourselves. Does that clear things up enough for you?"
"Technically, it's not a snow globe."
"What." Raven ran her tongue over her teeth in annoyance and pointed with one long finger at the arching glass dome that had replaced the normal boundaries of the room
"Well, yes, we do seem to be in some sort of globe, but there's no snow."
"Was that supposed to be a joke?"
"Actually, that was a fact. But I can tell a joke, if you want me to."
"Spare me."
"You know what Rae," said Beast Boy, leaning casually against the counter top. "You worry too much."
"And you don't worry enough!" He rolled his eyes at her in a most frustrating manner. "We're trapped with no means to survive and no way out. Doesn't that bother you?"
"There's food in the fridge."
"That's not the point."
"So what is your point, Raven?" Raven didn't feel like repeating herself, so she just crossed her arms and stared at him. "Seriously, 'cause from where I'm sitting, freaking out doesn't look like it'll do any good, so why not just chill till our friends get us out?"
"Are you suggesting we do nothing?"
"I trust our friends."
"Beast Boy, you do realize I'm usually the one to figure out this kind of thing. Now I'm not saying they aren't capable, but our friends have never handled an alternate dimension on their own before. It'd be like us trying to make one of Starfire's puddings while she was visiting home and the only recipe was in Tamaranian."
"You're saying they can't do it?"
"I'm saying we shouldn't just sit here and hope they figure it out before we run out of air or something." Beast Boy's smile drooped from his face slowly as the blood drained in an exaggerated expression of terror. Raven instantly regretted her observation and braced herself for what was bound to be an emotional hurricane.