Okay this was written cuz I'm in a crappy mood which affects the way I write - ergo no The Changes I Would Make, cuz that's not right for the mood I'm in. In the meantime, read this angst fest.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy or make any money from it.

Warning: Implied character death, suicidal thoughts, implied relationship between two men.

XXX

Sometimes

Sometimes the pain was too much to bear. Sometimes it hurt too much. Sometimes he wished that he could die, just to ease this pain. Sometimes it felt like being ripped in two, tearing in half, both sides of him needing different things. One side needing Gaia's comfort, the other needing Sephiroth to hold him, Sephiroth to love him like he used to. But then the memories would come back, the memory of how all he'd believed and loved was a cruel lie.

Sometimes he hated himself. Sometimes he hated Zack. Sometimes he hated Gaia. Sometimes he hated Jenova. But never could he bring himself to hate Sephiroth. Even when his mind screamed at him 'It's a lie, it's all a lie, he never loved you, never!'

But still a faint spark of hope would burn, a tiny spark that would say that maybe Sephiroth would love him. Maybe the memories weren't a lie.

He knew they were lies. He knew from the way Sephiroth would say Zack's name with such tenderness and love that they were lies. There had been a time when it had been his own name whispered so softly, but now he knew the truth. And it hurt, it hurt so much, because he loved Sephiroth and Zack loved him and it hurt to carry so much love inside.

Sometimes when he thought these thoughts he could hear another voice. The other voice was cruel and mean. It hurt his head. But its words of hatred burned themselves into his head. They made him weak. Made him a puppet. And they never went away.

Sometimes he would dream that the lies were a lie and that Sephiroth really did love him. But then it was ripped away again and he was left to wake and see that his dream was fake. Afterwards the voice was crueller. Harsher. Harder to resist.

Sometimes he'd wish that Zack had left him to die and had saved himself. Zack had a legitimate reason. His lover had almost killed him and had actually killed his girlfriend. Zack wouldn't be doing this to get revenge for people he hadn't even liked. Zack wouldn't be doing this because he felt as though he had to. Zack would be doing this to save the man he loved and because he wanted to.

Sometimes he thought about going to a pool of mako and throwing himself in, allowing himself to become part of the Lifestream. Sometimes the thought of peace was so very tempting that he'd take himself to the nearest reactor and stare into the mako and lean over the side and wait for the moment when he'd fall. Sometimes he'd go back to Nibelheim and stare down at the place where Sephiroth had thrown himself and think about how peaceful it would be.

Sometimes he'd let himself be almost mortally wounded. It would feel good. The burst of adrenaline and the life spreading in him telling him to live, do anything to survive.

Sometimes he'd snap out of his depression and see Gaia as she was and know that he couldn't let her die. So he made the slow, terrible decision to save her from Sephiroth. Save her and then let himself rest. Throw himself into the mako like Sephiroth had, and then he could stop blaming himself and stop hating Zack for something that wasn't his fault. He shuddered at the thought of lying in mako, but knew that he'd be entirely at peace if he let his mind be taken by the Lifestream. And how he needed that peace.

XXX

"The body of Cloud Strife was found today at the Northern Crater by Tifa Lockhart and Vincent Valentine. With this discovery we can at last confirm that Cloud Strife is dead, or at least, encased in mako. Cid Highwind expressed his doubts as to whether Strife is actually dead, as Sephiroth himself was found ten years ago also encased in mako and wasn't dead. However, Ms Lockhart told reporters that unless someone was sure that Strife was alive in the mako she wanted him to remain where he was found. Other members of Strife's group agreed with her decision, and his body has been left encased within mako at the Northern Crater. It will remain off limits until Rufus Shinra – the main benefactor for the WRO – decides to reinstate access. Vincent Valentine – a former Turk – had this to say on the matter."

"The Northern Crater is a large upwelling of Gaia's power. It is unwise to allow civilians inside it, due to remaining Jenova cells, large amounts of pure mako, unstable structure and the possibility that what appears to be Cloud's body is not in fact Cloud."

"To recap, Cloud Strife's body was found today at the Northern Crater, confirming the widely held belief that he died some six years ago. His body will be left where it was found, encased with mako. It will be strictly off limits to the public. In other news, the black chocobo, Midnight, won five races at the Golden Saucer....."

XXX

See I told you, crappy mood makes for bad writing. Anyway, next chapter of The Changes I Would Make will be up when I'm in a good mood. And don't have to stress about A level mocks.

Rethira