Author: RJ1013

Description: Sheldon, Amy, Leonard, and Penny have a calm, mature, rational discourse about living arrangements. Pfft, yeah right! One-shot. Spoiler free.

Rating: K

Spoilers: Nothing recent. Just through "The Opening Night Excitation"

Disclaimer: I've got nothing.

I.

—-

"Look, I'm sure that we can all come to some kind of amicable agreement," Sheldon says.

His words sound calm and sensible, but Penny is not so easily fooled. There is no way that he will be reasonable about the upcoming change in living arrangements. Perched like a king on his throne, lording over his subjects, Sheldon sits in his spot with his knees spread wide. He doesn't usually sprawl out in such an absurd fashion, and she supposes that doing so is his first attempt to stake a claim on the territory of this apartment. In response to his encroaching body language, both she and Leonard have their arms folded in defiance.

Leonard narrows his eyes at his soon-to-be former roommate. "Sheldon, we've been over this. Even you have agreed that it's time for Penny and I to have our own apartment—"

"Yes, but it needn't be this particular apartment," he interrupts, waving his index finger in the air for emphasis.

At Sheldon's right hand sits Amy, the queen of frumpy cardigans. As far as Penny can tell, she seems largely uninterested in the discussions thus far. While Sheldon is adamant about remaining in 4A, there has been no mention of any change in the status of his relationship with Amy. Still relegated miles away to a Glendale apartment, she has had no dog in this fight.

Sheldon continues to gesticulate while he speaks, "All of Penny's assorted froufrou and girly nonsense notwithstanding, let's face it, 4B is a catastrophe. Even if one is successful at navigating the hot mess that is Penny's organizational system, the whole place still smells like alcohol and cheap perfume."

"Hey! That perfume is not cheap," Penny jumps in, feeling insulted. As an aside she admits, "Well, the alcohol is cheap, but the perfume definitely isn't. And besides, who uses a word like froufrou, anyway? What the hell does that even mean?"

"It's a perfectly cromulent word," Sheldon answers.

Penny scoffs. "Whatever. We aren't having a Scrabble competition here, so cool it with your stupid vocabulary lessons."

He shrugs. "Fine. I assert that this apartment should remain in my purview. The first name on the lease is mine, and I took up residence here prior to Leonard's arrival. As such, I have the primary claim of occupancy."

Penny wrinkles her nose. "Huh?"

"He's calling dibs," Amy clarifies. "Alternatively, 'finders keepers, losers weepers'."

"Those aren't legal terms," Leonard spits out. "And besides, it's nonsensical for him to remain here. The simple truth is that Penny and I should have the larger apartment because there are two of us to live in it."

Eyeing Sheldon, Penny picks up Leonard's rant, "Yeah, and maybe someday when you're a big boy, you and Amy can look for a place of your own. Until then, 4B is more than enough room for you, your textbooks, your comics, and all of your superhero toys."

"I'm not a child," Sheldon objects, his voice coming out squeaky and petulant. With his lower lip protruding and a stubborn look on his face, Penny imagines that this is pretty much what a boyish Sheldon would've looked like. She almost expects him to stomp his foot and leave the room in a huff.

He doesn't do that, though. Instead, he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. It takes her a second to remember, but Penny recalls Sheldon's ridiculous method of meditation: Kohlinar.

Rather than let him calm down and possibly gain the upper hand, she decides to agitate him instead. "So Sheldon, did you see the new Star Trek movie yet? I know you guys have been waiting years for Star Trek VII. You know what I mean, the one where Captain Kirk teams up with R2-D2. There's lightsabers and Scotty beaming people up…" With every word she says, Penny takes great joy in watching Sheldon's face grow more and more reddened. "Darth Vader speaks Klingon, and C-3PO pilots the Enterprise."

Through gritted teeth Sheldon seethes, "Star Wars and Star Trek are not the same thing! Leonard, for all that is unlikely to be holy, get your woman in line."

Behind her back, she feels Leonard tap her hand with a gentle high five. Sheldon clears his throat, and Penny has to work hard to stifle her giggles as he attempts to wipe the scowl from his face. It takes him a few moments to collect himself, but eventually he succeeds, and he sounds quite impassive again when he says, "Very well. We've both stated our cases. I say we take this matter to an impartial third party for mediation. That individual could then come to a fair, unbiased decision."

Leonard nods, but he has a wary expression on his face. "Okay, who do you suggest?"

A terrible actor, Sheldon turns to his right and feigns surprise to see Amy. "Oh! Well, how about Amy Farrah Fowler? She's just heard both sides of this debate and—"

"That's ridiculous! Amy's not impartial. Hell, she probably has some longstanding plan to move herself into 4A with you." There is no way that Penny will allow his 'impartial' appointee to make this decision.

"Actually, I have no such plans," Amy says with a shrug. "One thing that has become abundantly clear in the past few months is that Sheldon will come with me when he is ready." She turns to Penny with a growing smirk and adds, "And I mean that sentence with all of its possible meanings."

Sheldon purses his lips and wrinkles his eyebrows in puzzlement. With no desire to explain it to him, Penny decides to push the conversation back on track. "Sheldon, you're not fooling anyone. When you say you want an 'amicable agreement', what you really mean is that you intend to pout like a baby until you get your way."

"I just told you, I'm a grown man," he pouts.

"A grown man who wears Spiderman underwear," Leonard points out. "And uses a Batman nightlight."

"What would you have me do, Leonard? Stub my toe when I need to make my way to the bathroom at night? I need the Dark Knight to light my way."

Amy rubs her forehead, looking exasperated. She sounds like the voice of reason when she steps in and asserts, "Look, you are all grown adults. Well, more or less. Anyway, as such, I'm sure that you can come to a mature compromise of some sort."

Sheldon sneers at Leonard and Penny. "I don't want to compromise. This is my fort. No Hofstadter's allowed. Get out."

"Obviously, some of us are more grown up than others," Leonard says loftily.

After taking a deep breath, Sheldon rises from his seat and walks over to his desk. He picks up a large plastic shopping bag from off the desktop, but Penny can't see the contents through the opaque material. Shaking his head, he says, "I was hoping the two of you would be amenable to reason. I didn't want to have to resort to this, but you've left me with little recourse. If you wish to persist with your foolish invasion of my territory, then I must warn you that I fully intend to protect my land." With that, he pulls two colorful plastic toys out of the bag.

"Really, Sheldon? Nerf guns?" Leonard sounds incredulous.

"These are not mere Nerf guns, these are multi-dart blasters. Retreat while you still have the chance," he warns.

Penny looks from Leonard to Sheldon and back again. The bubble packaging on the darts will only slow him down for a moment. He eyes them both with a wild, menacing look on his face as he rips open the package and starts fitting foam darts into the empty chambers of one of the blasters. The outlandish gun is neon green, with four chambers that each hold multiple darts. Penny knows that she and Leonard are running out of time.

"Amy, can you talk some sense into him?" Leonard pleads.

Amy stands and strides over towards the kitchen. From over her shoulder she answers, "You've lived with him for how many years? Surely you know by now that it wouldn't help. His mind is made up. I suggest you take cover."

Apparently taking her own advice, Penny sees Amy duck behind the kitchen island. Unsure of how to reason with today's particular brand of crazy, she tries to talk to him one last time. "Sheldon, this is ridiculous. We are not settling this with toy weapons."

He pulls back the lever to cock his gun and then she finds herself staring down the barrel of the oversized toy. "This isn't just a toy, it's a Nerf Doominator Blaster."

Penny can't hold back the snort of laughter that escapes her nostrils. "'Doominator Blaster'? Come on, that's—"

Her words are interrupted by the 'pop' of Sheldon's Nerf gun as he fires his first shot. The dart bounces off her chest and lands at her feet. She stares at Sheldon with her eyes open wide. Did he really just do that?

"Mock the Doominator at your own peril." He turns and faces Leonard, and a soft 'pop' once again sounds from the toy, indicating that her husband is under attack as well.

Grabbing a pillow, Penny shields herself and blocks Sheldon's next few rounds. She hustles her way to the front door to escape this lunacy. In an escape attempt of his own, Leonard dives behind the couch and stays low while he crawls over to meet her. They squeeze out the front door and quickly take cover behind it. She leaves it open a crack to shout, "I can't believe you just did that! This isn't over!"

As she speaks, a few more darts bounce near the partially opened door. Sheldon hollers his own response, "Well if you don't like our nation's gun control laws, take it up with your local representatives."

II.

—-

Marching over to the front door, Sheldon clicks it shut and then twists the lever to set the deadbolt. He turns back towards the living room and surveys his domain with pride.

In the distance, he sees Amy's head peek up from behind the kitchen island. "Is it safe to come out yet?" she asks.

Satisfied with his success, he smiles and answers, "Indeed, the interlopers have met their doom."

Amy steps slowly out into the main living area. "Well, I meant safe from you too, but okay."

Aghast, Sheldon tosses his half-empty weapon onto the nearby couch cushion. He sets her straight in an instant. "Of course I'm not going to shoot you! You're an honored guest."

While Sheldon is terrible at reading facial cues, he knows Amy very well, and her face is far more expressive than most. He thinks that she looks confused. She sits gingerly on the edge of the chair near his spot and gestures for him to take his own seat. After he does so, she says, "Sheldon, you do realize that this is uh… well... not the way that most people would go about handling a conflict such as this."

He shrugs. "Leonard and Penny insisted that I act like a grown man, so I did."

"By pelting them with foam darts from a toy gun?"

"It's what men do."

At Amy's silence and continued skeptical face, Sheldon elaborates, "Throughout history, mankind has had to find ways to settle our territorial disputes. For many years now, that has entailed senselessly launching projectiles at one another until someone cries 'Uncle'. Levels of carnage may vary, of course. These are foam darts, so I expect minimal damage when all is said and done."

She still doesn't respond, so Sheldon supposes she is simply struck dumb by the brilliance of his plan. That kind of thing does tend to happen around him. Nevertheless, he needs her expertise. No one else can construct a blanket fortress quite like she can. "Amy, Toys 'R Us isn't far from here. They're going to be back soon enough with their own arsenal, so we'll need to formulate a plan for our defenses."

Finally, she speaks. "We? What makes you think I want any part of this?"

Shocked, he leans back into his spot. "Why wouldn't you?"

Amy rubs her forehead and then rests her chin on the palm of her hand. Her elbow leans on the arm of the chair in support. She waves her free hand and says, "Well to be honest, Penny and Leonard make a good point about needing more space than you do."

He can't believe that she doesn't understand. "My spot is here," he says simply, poking his finger into the cushion near his buttocks.

Raising his eyebrows to indicate his interest in hearing her response, Sheldon waits with growing impatience. Alas, no answer is forthcoming. Feeling foolish about continuing to state the obvious, he pats the empty couch cushion next to him and does it anyway. "And your spot is there..."

Still, she stares at him in silence. He loves her intelligence more than any other quality she possesses, and she is undoubtedly the smartest person he has ever known, excepting himself of course. At moments like this, however, he starts to wonder how she could possibly be so daft. It is getting monotonous to state these glaring, self-evident details.

"You have to help me fight for this place. Clearly you're going to be living here with me someday soon. Do you really want us to end up stuffed into 4B? I think we'd be fine in such an enclosed space, but we'd never get the smell of Penny's perfume out of the—"

Diving from her perch on the chair, Amy plops down onto her spot next to Sheldon. He doesn't have a chance to finish his statement before she yanks his shoulders down and slams her lips onto his. She swallows his fading words, and he suspects she may be attempting to take possession of his tongue as well.

This action makes no sense to him whatsoever, but surrender is the theme of the day. He stops flailing his arms, and instead wraps them around her, content to return her baffling kiss.

III.

—

Howard never knows quite what to expect when he comes to visit his friends in 4A. Every day is a spin of the roulette wheel of madness that constitutes a friendship with Sheldon Cooper.

Today is no exception. He and Bernadette are here for what should be a standard evening of pizza consumption and Sheldon jibber-jabber. The first signs of today's true nature are revealed when they mount the steps leading to the landing of the fourth floor apartments. He can hear strange sounds, soft thumps and pops. Littered on the ground beneath his feet are the small, neon green corpses of little foam darts. From his own childhood, Howard recognizes them as Nerf gun darts.

Before he takes the final step up, he sees additional darts whiz back and forth in front of his face. Thinking better of it, he steps down instead, pulling on Bernie's hand so that she won't mistakenly get bombarded.

It's a wise choice because soon enough Leonard and Penny rush wildly across the hallway. The two brace themselves on each side of the door to 4A like clumsy FBI agents. They alternate taking shots into the room, ducking and hiding from the return fire. In time, the darts from inside 4A cease altogether.

Breathing hard, Leonard wheezes, "I think they're out of ammo. Let's flank them so that we don't both walk into some kind of trap." Penny nods once, looking very serious, and the two of them bound into 4A with their weapons raised.

Howard guides Bernadette up the last few steps, and the two of them shuffle up to the front door. Bernadette is cuddled in front of him, but truth be told, he is shielding himself from any stray Nerf shots. She gives him a dirty look, indicating that she is on to him. He shoots her his best smile and whispers, "What can I say? Those little darts sting when they hit bare skin."

Peering carefully around the edge of the doorframe, he can see that the inside of the apartment is also dotted with Nerf darts. There appears to be a fort made out of blankets that is sheltering the combatants who have hunkered down on this side of the battle. He sees hands stick out of an opening in the fort, and then Sheldon and Amy emerge, palms held up in surrender.

Sheldon tries to stealthily reach down and grab a handful of the spent ammo, but Penny catches him and nudges his hand away with the barrel of her Nerf gun. "Forget it, Sheldon."

"It's time to concede," Leonard says. "This apartment is ours."

Looking up at them with a defiant expression, Sheldon whispers, "I will never give up my apartment." He points confidently at the couch. "That is my spot, and Amy's spot is here too."

Next to Sheldon, Amy smiles up at her boyfriend with goofy, giddy glee. Howard will never understand what she sees in that guy.

Penny waltzes over to the spot in question and flops down onto it. "Oh yeah?" she taunts, wiggling her butt into the cushion. Sheldon sneers, looking far angrier than Howard thinks is warranted in this situation. With a raised eyebrow, she reaches into her pocket and slowly pulls out a black Sharpie marker. She uncaps it and brandishes it at Sheldon's spot. "Give up the apartment or your spot gets my signature across the cushions."

Wide-eyed, Sheldon cries out, "No! You can't do that! That's permanent ink. Leonard, stop her. This has gone too far…"

"Surrender or your spot gets it," Leonard agrees with his wife.

Howard decides it's safe to step into the room. Well, it's sort of safe. Tensions are running high, and his bizarre friends are acting even weirder than normal.

"Hi, everyone," Bernadette squeaks out in greeting. They turn to face her, four sets of frazzled, crazy eyes.

Howard takes a deep breath and tries to puzzle out what's been going on. "So, I assume that this little outburst is related to your living arrangements. Would anyone care to explain?"

Leonard jerks his head in the affirmative. "I would be happy to. You see, Penny and I are moving in together. To be more specific, we're moving away from Sheldon. Obviously, it makes sense for the two of us to live in the larger apartment, but my former roommate is not accepting that piece of reality with any kind of dignity whatsoever."

Bernadette cocks her head and gestures to Penny, who is still pointing her Sharpie at the couch. "As opposed to the dignity that you guys are displaying?"

The heat of the moment broken, Penny looks down at her hands and snaps the cap back on the marker. She doesn't, however, retreat from her perch on Sheldon's spot. "We tried to talk things out, but then everything got a little out of hand," she admits.

That sounds like an understatement to Howard, but things with Sheldon do tend to careen wildly off the rails. He glances from her to Leonard. "So let me get this straight. You two want to live together, away from Sheldon, and you think that this apartment would be a good place to begin that private time with your new spouse?"

"Yeah," Penny says while Leonard bobs his head in agreement.

Howard grins but forces himself to keep his voice steady. "I'm going to go out on a very sturdy limb here and assume that 'away from Sheldon' is at the heart of this goal."

They both nod. Of course it is.

Howard continues, "I hope the two of you realize that even if you win this Nerf gun battle, you will never win the war to get Sheldon out of here."

Penny and Leonard exchange thoughtful glances. Sheldon and Amy look on, not offering any dispute to Howard's recitation of the facts. With no one interrupting, Howard adds, "That is Sheldon's spot, and he is one seriously crazy bastard."

"Hey, no I'm not," Sheldon interjects. "My parents were married and my mother had me tested."

That doesn't slow Howard down. "Like I was saying, he is insane. Even if you somehow move in here successfully, he will continue to plant himself in the middle of your living room, day after day after day. Do you really want to live your life with that unsettling face greeting you every morning?"

The two of them look over at Sheldon's stubborn countenance, and Howard thinks he detects a subtle shudder run through the pair. Penny snorts. "No way." Leonard shakes his head in the negative as well.

Sheldon looks a bit hurt by the rejection until Amy chimes in, "I do!" He perks up at that. Howard even thinks he detects the clueless wonder winking at her, but that seems much too flirty for an android like Sheldon.

Returning to his previous train of thought, Howard finishes his spiel. "Is it really worth it? Because this place comes with a Sheldon. Think of him as a ghost, forever haunting that spot on the couch. An annoying, egotistical poltergeist that won't shut up. Not ever. That's no way to start a life together."

Amy's smile broadens. Clearly, the vision that Howard put forth suits that nutcase just fine. But then again, he figures that she and Sheldon are two nuts destined to share the same shell.

Penny jerks her head from side to side as if trying to wake herself from a bad dream. "Howard's right. How did we not see that?"

Sheldon voices his opinion, "Probably because you didn't expect correctness to spring forth from the mouth of an engineer."

Bernadette joins the fray in Howard's defense and growls, "He just helped you get what you wanted. How about you stick your PhD diplomas up—"

Howard covers his wife's mouth with his hand. "Up on your new office wall," he finishes for her with a flourish.

He sees Sheldon's puzzled face. Odds are that he won't be able to figure out why Bernadette's voice didn't match up to the sentiment that Howard claims she was making. That's got to be for the best.

"The extra square footage is not worth the specter of Sheldon that would loom large over this place," Leonard agrees with Penny.

"It would've been nice to have more space for my shoes," Penny pouts.

"You already take the whole closet. I was just hoping for a square foot or two."

Wrapping her arm around Leonard's shoulders, Penny leans in and says, "For you, love of my life, I will empty an entire half of a drawer, and six whole inches of the bar in my closet for you to hang your clothes."

Knowing Penny's penchant for shopping, Howard thinks that Leonard should take that offer and run with it. Apparently, Leonard agrees. The two of them kick aside foam darts as they make their way back to 4B together.

"Wait. You two are coming back for pizza tonight, right?" asks Sheldon.

Penny twists her head back to say, "Of course we are. Extra pepperoni. You're buying."

After they have left, Sheldon stands in seeming disbelief. "Does this mean I won?"

Howard shrugs. "It looks like you did indeed annoy them into submission."

"They say everyone has a talent," Bernadette adds.

Picking his Nerf gun up off the floor, Sheldon holds it aloft in victory. Amy steps to his side and the two embrace awkwardly. Howard cringes at the thought of how awful their 'coitus' must be.

Just as he finishes that uncomfortable musing, he hears a sudden 'pop' near Sheldon's waistband. Amy jerks away, clearly startled by the sudden blast. One dart must have been left in the chamber of Sheldon's weapon, and it now sticks defiantly up on the ceiling. Amy climbs up onto a nearby chair, and her face wrinkles up with frustration at the task.

Howard looks at Sheldon, who is staring up at the errant projectile. He gives two friendly slaps to Sheldon's right shoulder and says, "You've got to be careful about those premature misfires, Sheldon. Believe me, the ladies don't like that at all."

—-

Notes: I really ought to be working on my long story, but here I am goofing off with this silliness instead. Oh well, I hope you guys enjoyed the fruits of my procrastination.

'a perfectly cromulent word' is a reference from The Simpsons.