Disclaimer: I don't own anything ever.
Jade was bisexual. Cat couldn't say how she knew... well, actually, she could, but she didn't. She remembered it though, even though the memories were blurry, she could still recall them with such clarity, like overexposed snapshots burned into her brain. They seemed more real than her real memories, and at the same time like a dream. If she could've told, she wouldn't have thought so much about it, but there it was, buzzing behind her lips wanting to burst out, and it only got worse because she couldn't.
She remembered it better when she didn't try. Most of the time it drifted into her head before she fell asleep, and then she'd dream about it. It'd been someone's birthday party. Cat didn't really remember whose birthday. She wasn't good with some of the details, just the important ones. Cat didn't drink much... she'd never really had the urge. Cat didn't need alcohol to lose herself, to free herself; she could do that in her own mind, but they'd had all these drinks that were such bright colours with names like candy that tasted sweet, and she couldn't help but try all of them. They'd made her head foggy, made everything echo and pound in her ears, and all the faces had blurred. It felt kind of nice, she'd thought blearily, and she felt warm and wobbly, but then it started to get too much, so she'd wandered away, looking for somewhere cool and quiet to find where she was and make the world stop swimming. Cat liked to swim, but she had to keep remembering to breathe in big gasps or she'd drown.
She'd heard crying, soft, little, jagged sounds filtering through to her, and for a moment she'd thought it was her, and she'd touched her fingertips to her face, expecting to feel wetness. But it was coming from further away, and the noise hurt her. She didn't like people crying, and she wasn't sure what she'd do, but she had to do something, so she'd followed the sound through the muted light, grasping a cool doorknob and twisting it open.
It was like a lightning flash, the way the light had spilled onto Jade's face as she twisted to look at Cat, her eyes streaked with black. Cat's heart had fluttered; she was scared of Jade, and to catch her like this... she'd be lucky if she survived the night. But Jade had turned away, her head returning to her hands, and Cat had stepped into the room, closing the door softly. Everything had been dark, the dull heart-throb of bass muffled, and Cat had waited for her eyes to adjust, her body wavering unsteadily.
"Jade? Are you okay?" Cat had asked quietly, taking a few wobbly steps towards the crying girl.
Jade raised her head, sniffing, "Does it look like I'm okay?" She'd snapped, and Cat's eyes had adjusted enough by then to see the quiver in Jade's lips.
"No."
Jade had laughed then, running a hand through her hair and patting a spot on the bed next to her. Cat had felt her lips turn up in a smile. She'd made Jade laugh, even if it hadn't felt like a real laugh. She'd sat next to Jade, a mixture of perfume and alcohol wafting into her lungs, and she'd felt like she was swimming again.
"Beck and I..." Jade had started hesitantly, her voice hoarse. Cat had leaned in further to hear her, Jade's voice quiet and reluctant. "We... we broke up." She took a shuddery breath, and Cat realised that Jade was swimming too, just trying to keep her head above water.
Cat had wrapped her arms around Jade, the taller girl stiffening at first, unused to anyone touching her... anyone daring to touch her, and Cat had stroked Jade's hair gently, making soft shushing noises that she didn't know she knew how to make. Eventually Jade relaxed in Cat's arms, and Cat felt hot tears start to soak through her shirt, Jade's hot, gasped breaths shuddering against Cat's shoulder. Cat knew Jade needed a friend, had always wanted to be that friend... but Jade was scary. She pushed Cat away with her words and her stance... she pushed everyone away. But here in the dark she was just a girl, and Cat didn't feel so scared if she couldn't see her. Cat couldn't be sure how long they sat there, gently rocking back and forth, Jade shuddering against her, until eventually it started to subside, Jade sniffing and pulling away from her. She wiped her hand under her eyes, fingertips coming away smeared black. She took a few unsteady breaths. "I'm sorry."
Cat smiled, her eyebrows furrowed in innocent confusion. "What for?"
Jade smiled softly at that, her eyes downcast. "Just... thanks Cat. You won't... you won't tell anyone?"
Cat pinched her index finger and thumb together, running them across her lips in a zipping motion. Jade's smile grew wider, faltering as she grabbed Cat's shirt, bunching the material. She rubbed a thumb over the damp material where her tears had soaked through. "I got eyeliner all over your shirt."
Cat looked down curiously. "Oh." She'd heard Jade's breath hitch, the brunette's fingers tentatively tracing their way down until they reached the curve of Cat's breasts.
"Cat..." Jade's voice had turned breathy, and Cat had waited patiently for Jade to finish what she was saying, because it felt important and Cat thought it might have something to do with the tingling in the pit of her stomach, unrelated to alcohol, that Jade had started. But Jade never finished her sentence, just let it hang there promising something, and Cat had jumped when Jade's other hand brushed her cheekbone, cupping her face. And then it was lips, pressing against hers, salty with tears. Cat's mind shut down, and she felt herself leaning into it, felt her limbs tremble trying desperately to find somewhere to hold her steady.
Jade had pulled away with a gasped breath, their lips parting for a moment, and Cat had run her tongue over them, dazed, feeling Jade's hand run over her ribs and pull her in closer, her other hand trembling against Cat's face before kissing her again. Cat was sure that Jade must've been completely wasted, because her kisses were drugging her, getting her drunk through taste alone, and Cat was sure you'd have to have drank a lot of alcohol to be able to do that to someone. It made her heart feel hot and heavy, even as it pounded incredibly hard against her lungs, shortening her breath, and she'd found her hands clutching onto Jade as if to beg her for something, something Cat didn't know the name of.
That was how Cat knew. Suspected, anyway. People didn't have to call themselves anything definitive, but she spent more time thinking of it than she liked to admit. Jade had come to her a few days later, begging her not to tell anyone. She said she was back with Beck again, and that if Cat said anything, it'd only hurt him. Cat understood, so she'd kept it zipped up inside her. And Jade had started treating her better... like a friend, which only made Cat want to tell more, want to talk to her at least about the things she felt that night, even through the alcohol. She thought about it every night before she went to sleep, every morning when she woke up, dissecting it, replaying it. It felt like the only real, shining thing that had happened to her, but she tried to push it away. She wasn't allowed.
Jade called her one afternoon, Cat's phone jingling merrily, startling Cat out of her reverie. She did that sometimes; called Cat, asked her to hang out, or go to the movies. Cat could sense something buttoned up behind Jade, something Cat's fingers weren't deft enough to undo. She didn't like those times, even though she always agreed eagerly, just to spend some time with Jade. With her friend. She hated how Jade would touch her, just casual touches on her arm, or her knee, but they'd linger for what felt like forever to Cat. They made her breathless, made her heart pound, and then Jade would brush Cat's hair away from her face with a smile, or lean into her just a little. Jade made it so Cat could never forget, never move on from what happened. It confused Cat. She hated it, yet she'd never stop it. Never ask Jade to stop touching her. She just wished she wasn't so confused, wished she could unbutton Jade and see who she really was.
Jade motioned her inside, leading Cat to her room. Jade was empty around her, when they were alone. She wasn't the Jade that people saw, she was quieter... softer. Or maybe it was just that she called Cat when she felt like that. Cat was pretty sure she was one of the only people to see this Jade, but that didn't make her happy. It was a sad thing, and she wished Jade would like her all the time, not just when she felt lonely. Maybe, Cat thought, Jade called her because Cat was the only one who could cheer Jade up. That made Cat feel a little better, made her feel useful, which was something she rarely felt.
Cat sat on Jade's bed, swinging her legs back and forth, her eyes roaming around Jade's room. It wasn't that Cat had never been here before, it was that every time she came, she found something new about Jade, learned something else to add to her little collection of information about the brunette. Jade sat down beside her, sighing, and Cat tore her attention away from Jade's room. Jade sighed a lot, but this was a different kind of sigh. It was the kind of sigh someone makes before they tell you something, Cat thought, the kind of sigh that has an ellipse at the end.
"Beck..." Jade began quietly, clearing her throat. "Beck and I... h-he broke up with me." Cat knew why she was here now. She was here for Jade, because Jade didn't have anyone else. Cat enveloped Jade in a hug, the brunette gratefully falling into the embrace. Cat should've felt flattered, should've felt honoured that she was the only person Jade could talk to about this stuff... and she did, she felt very flattered, but she wished Jade would call her sometimes just to hang out, just to talk. Not only when Jade needed a shoulder to cry on.
Cat shoved those thoughts to the back of her mind. She was being selfish. She was the only person Jade could talk to, and she should prove herself worthy of being entrusted with that. She was Jade's friend, and she was going to help her. She tried to keep that thought firmly in her mind as Jade's hands moved to her waist, the brunette pulling back with a deep breath. It was this kind of stuff, Cat thought, this kind of... of touching that distracted her, because it was the kind of touching that led to... to before. It didn't mean anything though, and that's what frustrated Cat. Jade never... she never spoke about it, but Cat knew it was a mistake, she knew that what Jade did... kissed her, Jade hadn't meant. So Cat tried not to think that way, tried not to think Jade felt that way, but she couldn't stop herself. She scolded herself internally, she had to be there for Jade! She shouldn't be thinking these sorts of things. Cat knew how much Jade loved Beck, knew how devastated she was whenever they fought. What happened that night was... it wasn't real... Jade had just... she'd just...
Cat's train of thought slowed, coming to a stop as Jade's hands slipped under the hem of her shirt, the brunette's eyes watching her intently, studying her. Cat's eyebrows furrowed as Jade leant in slowly, her lips parted. No. This couldn't... Jade wasn't drunk, was she? Cat was doing it again, she was misinterpreting everything. But Jade's face was still coming closer, and Cat was starting to panic. This... it couldn't... she...
Cat's eyes closed automatically as Jade's lips brushed hers, a soft sigh exiting her lips. Cat felt giddy, the sort of giddy she only felt when she'd eaten too much candy, and her heart pounded too fast and her brain felt sped up and everything was too bright, too fast. It was happening. Cat knew it was... it wasn't like her dreams, wasn't like her memories... she could actually taste Jade, feel her lips moving against hers, feel Jade's hands tighten around her waist. This was real.
Cat's mind was going into overdrive, questions and confusion burning so fast through her brain that it overloaded, and then there was just sensation. Just the feeling of kissing Jade, without alcohol to dull the sensation. Cat let out a soft moan as Jade's tongue found its way past her lips, caressing her own tongue. She knew this wasn't right. People didn't just do this sort of thing. She knew Jade wasn't kissing her because she was Cat, she was kissing her for... well, Cat didn't know the exact reasons, but she knew it wasn't for the right ones. But she couldn't stop herself, couldn't resist the brunette's advances. She was... she was weak. She remembered when Tori had started going to Hollywood Arts, how jealous and overprotective Jade had been of Beck. What surprised Cat however, was how Jade reacted to her and Tori being friends. She never said anything in public, no, but when they were alone, inside Jade's room, Jade had confronted her, asked her if their friendship meant nothing if she was going to hang out with 'that slut'. It had made Cat feel ashamed, like she was betraying Jade, but when she thought about it, really thought about it, it didn't make sense. Despite that, she'd tried to be less friendly to Tori, tried to side with Jade a bit more, even though she knew it wasn't right of Jade to demand that from someone who was just her 'friend'.
Jade gently pushed Cat down onto the bed, climbing on top of the smaller girl, their lips never parting. Cat finally admitted it to herself; she had a crush on Jade. Ever since that night... ever since Jade started being nice to her, Cat had felt more than friendly feelings. She knew that, she indulged in those feelings when she was alone, but she'd never actively acknowledged them. She'd never dared to hope anything would happen, and she certainly hadn't wanted to lose this newly gained friendship. She knew this was why she kept coming around to Jade's, kept putting up with the times when Jade would ignore her for a week or two, or throw an insult her way (it was rare, but it happened).
Cat gasped as Jade's hand found its way inside her shirt, brushing over her flat stomach, Jade's lips tracing over her jawline. "J-Jade?" Stuttered Cat as Jade's hand pushed underneath the waistband of her shorts brusquely, fingertips brushing over the petite girl's panties. This wasn't right, it was all happening way too fast... she didn't want to... "Unh," Cat moaned, bucking against Jade, unable to stop herself from responding. Jade pushed aside Cat's panties to touch her directly, pausing until Cat looked at her, the smaller girl's face flushed, lips parted as she panted slightly.
"Tell me you love me." Jade's voice was hoarse, jagged as she looked down at Cat.
Cat bit her lip. "Jade... I...I-"
Jade thrust her fingers into the younger girl suddenly, Cat's sentence choking off. Jade moved her fingers roughly inside Cat, the smaller girl moaning. "Say it."
"J-Jade... I... unh." Cat's eyes rolled back in her head as Jade rocked her hand, moving inside Cat brusquely.
"Say it." She hissed, holding her hand still again.
Cat sobbed out a breath, "I l-love you. Ah..." She moaned as Jade moved her fingers again, stroking her tight walls.
Jade's breath shuddered out, the older girl pressing her lips to Cat's neck in fervent kisses. Cat felt like she was melting, everything running together and pooling in her with Jade's movements. She whispered the words again, trying to speak over the lump in her throat, over the pleasure threading it's way up her spine, forcing the air out of her lungs as it rose. Cat felt herself tighten, her muscles clenched in anticipation of this thing that was building and building with every stroke of Jade's fingers. And somehow, even in the overwhelming sensations, Cat felt the bittersweetness of it. It was what she wanted, what a part of her did, anyway, but it wasn't how she wanted it, it wasn't even close.
Cat closed her eyes tight, her breath hitching as she climaxed, pushing her hips up into Jade, a strangled cry being forced from her by the overwhelming guttural pleasure crashing over her. She felt Jade's lips leave her neck, the spot quickly cooling, Jade's breath feathering against the flushed skin. She dragged her hand out of Cat's shorts, climbing off the smaller girl. Cat licked her lips, the remnants of pleasure still quivering through her, but reality setting in more firmly with every passing moment. She pushed herself up, looking worriedly at Jade's back, the brunette turned away from her on the edge of the bed.
"Jade?" Cat asked in a soft, hesitant voice. Cat was as lost as she'd ever been. They'd just... Jade had just... she had just... had sex. And it wasn't at all what she'd thought it would be, wasn't at all how she wanted it to be.
"Go." Jade's voice was low, spoken over her shoulder to Cat. Cat crawled closer, reaching out hesitantly.
"Jade..."
Jade turned slightly, looking at Cat from over her shoulder. "Get the fuck out Cat. Just go!"
Cat's hand recoiled as if burnt, stopping on it's path to Jade. "Wh-what's that sup-supposed to mean?"
"Don't you understand English? Get the fuck out!"
Cat looked at her with a hurt, confused expression, tears starting to well in her eyes. "Jade, I-"
Jade stood abruptly, throwing her hands out and turning to face Cat. "What part of 'get the fuck out' don't you understand? Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. House. Got it?" She forced a tight smile, gesturing towards the door.
Cat felt a tear spill out from her overflowing eyes, leaving a hot trail down her cheek. She stood, taking a liquid breath that hurt her lungs and practically ran out of the room, tears blurring her vision.
Cat began the long walk home almost automatically, crossing her arms against the slight chill in the air. And because if she didn't, she thought she might fly apart. With every step she was reminded of what happened, of Jade's lips, of Jade's touch. She didn't understand; that was what hurt her the most. She didn't understand Jade, and, even more, she didn't understand herself. It's not what she wanted from Jade. Sure, she wanted to kiss Jade, and she had feelings for the brunette, but she wasn't... she hadn't been ready to do that. To lose her virginity. But Jade had been so persistent, had barely given her a choice in the matter, and Cat honestly wasn't sure that if she had said stop, that Jade would've. But is it still rape if you want it? The part of Cat she didn't understand... it was the part that still wanted it, the part that responded to Jade's roughness, that pushed up against her, wanting more. Cat had always expected to be rejected by Jade, some day or another. But right after they'd just had sex? Right at when Cat had needed assurance the most, because she was already so hopelessly lost in her own feelings and what had just happened.
Cat sniffed, wiping her eyes, trudging along the side of the road. The worst part, the very hardest part that made her sob, her eyes brimming anew everytime she thought of it; she hadn't been lying when she'd said those words to Jade. Even as she'd said them, stuttering over the words out of want and lust, she'd felt the truth in them.
They say that honesty is the best policy. Cat had stripped off all her little lies, all her little assurances about what she felt for Jade, all the hidden feelings and justifications laid bare, and admitted to herself, and to Jade, what it was she felt. She'd went into the world naked, and she'd been laughed at. She'd thought Jade was a little like her; that she just wanted a friend to confide in. That maybe together, they could assuage each other's loneliness.
Cat took in a deep, cold breath, and it was like breathing liquid. She'd stopped swimming, let her head sink under the water and watched the light of the surface fade as she sank deeper. She was drowning, and she couldn't find the strength to swim anymore. What's more, she didn't think she wanted to. What was the point? Everything she'd had, everything she'd wanted had been taken from her, just as she'd realised it.
Cat stumbled, falling hard and skinning her hand and knee as she tried to catch herself. She bit her lip, whimpering and scooting back onto the grass beside the road. She didn't feel like walking anymore. She didn't feel like anything. She held her wrist tightly, her skinned palm stinging, blood starting to well up from the grit encrusted wound. She just wanted to sit for a little while, just until everything stopped hurting so much. Just until she could breath again.
Just until she drowned.
A/N: Please review. I think this is the longest one-shot I've ever written, and I've tried to make Cat and Jade interesting but conflicted. If you think I've done a decent job, let me know. I might do a part two, but it probably won't be for a while. Let me know what you liked... feedback is delicious.
As always, thanks for reading.