Summary: In which Harry is just a man trying to live his life in the face of cancer and Steve is trying to find his place in this new world. Steve may have nothing to live for but Harry has given him a reason, only he doesn't want to be that reason.
Will carry on from the Avengers and into Captain America: Winter Soldier
Disclaimers: I own absolutely nothing. This fic is inspired in part by All of These Stars by Ed Sheeran and The Fault in Our Stars but will in no way adhere to events of the book as I haven't read it. I know the bare bones and watched the movie so. Yeah. No spoilers at all for the book.
Warnings: none for now. Slash.
Enjoy.
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All of These Stars
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He trudges on some days like he has nothing to live for. The shame he feels on days like this makes him sick to his stomach, but not in the way the meds and the chemo does. If nothing else, Harry knows he should fight and honor the sacrifices that have been made in his name. His parents died so he could live, his friends so that he may live another day and bring an end to the darkness, Remus and Sirius because they could not imagine a world without him in it—a vow they had made to make sure he lived.
And he had.
The war was over and he really had nothing left to tie him to the world that had once filled him with wonder but he had the incredibly rare opportunity to talk to those he loved. They wanted him to fight this new battle, to live a long and happy life.
Harry had tried.
Oh, how he had tried. But the reality was that for all the power he had at the tips of his fingers, all the magic coursing through his veins, and all of the wealth he had accumulated, there were still some things that could not beat death.
Oh, he could draw out the inevitable but the day would come.
Most days, he honored their sacrifice the best way he knew how. He lived and experienced new things, he made connections and built on them. Harry allowed himself to open up to all the wonder and possibilities of life again.
But on days like today, all he wanted to do was end it. All the medication and all the appointments, each one meant to help him live a little longer. And Harry wanted to live, in theory at least. He had friends now, a good job—even if he was absent more often than not, but he loved what had become of his life. At least in as much as he could come to terms with all he had lost and the path he had come upon.
The lights burned bright in the early dawn as he walked down the nearly empty streets of New York.
He pushed the door open and took in as deep a breath as he was able to considering his current bout of illness. He smiled at the teen behind the counter and made his order. Vanilla iced coffee with milk, half and half and a chocolate croissant.
Remus may not have been a huge part of his life for long but he had been a part of it long enough to impart the glory and comfort of chocolate for all things. On days like this, overcast and feeling like he should just stop everything, he could use the pick me up.
He grabbed his order and sipped his coffee as he made his way leisurely to campus. Harry had abandoned the wizarding world for the muggle and had used his knowledge of lore and magic to earn a degree in folklore, mythology, and medieval studies. He had discovered a love of teaching during his stint with the DA and had embraced it once he had the opportunity to do so.
It had been wonderful at first but now, he still loved it but his health wasn't all it used to be. Cancer did that to a person.
He wondered some times if he could use his pull and wealth to speed along research into cancer by healers in the wizarding world. Unfortunately, he knew that given the number of people who actually contracted cancer, it wouldn't be a priority for them—national hero or not. Besides, they had nothing on the advances of the muggle world and—he stopped thinking about it.
He entered his office and sat in the darkness, drinking his coffee and nibbling on his croissant. It was part of his routine but it had made him so—"Professor Potter?"
Green eyes looked up into his graduate student and TA's brown ones. Wilhelmina, call me Mina, Landers was both as brilliant and enthusiastic about her field as he was. On most days, it lifted his spirits and gave him hope for the future of this generation but today it made him feel just that bit more down. Oh who was he kidding, he was depressed. It was just one of those days. "Yes Mina?"
She stepped inside at her invitation and squinted at him sitting in his office, the barely rising sun providing the only light. He saw understanding in those eyes and he was once again thankful for the fact that she was perceptive as well and knew him well enough to know what he needed and could handle.
"I finished grading the papers, so they are ready to be handed back. I was wondering if you were going to distribute them after today's lecture or place them outside your office this time?" She asked as she pulled out a stack of papers on the life, thought, and culture of the Middle Ages.
He considered the pros and cons of each and decided he wasn't ready or willing to handle the complaints from students whom had left their papers to the last minute today. On days like this, he typically had students come to him about a possible re-grade as they were unsatisfied with their grades. Harry rarely if ever actually changed the grades. Mina was both competent and fair when it came to grading, not overly harsh. In fact, she had a tendency to be more lenient than she should at times; she was just too nice.
"Hand them out after class, would you? I won't be holding office hours today so feel free to just go home after lecture." He said and she nodded as she placed the stack back in her messenger back.
"Well, I'm heading over to the lounge for some breakfast. Is there anything you would like?" He shook his head and bid her goodbye. He would see her soon enough as she was a TA for both his Mythology of Ancient Greece and Middle Ages course.
The bright presence of her soul faded and he almost wanted to call her back but refrained. Mina was a half-blood who was well aware of who he was and he trusted enough to share his condition and abilities with.
Part of becoming the Master of Death meant that he could see the purity and brilliance of souls. Mina's was a balm to his soul and there were days when Harry needed people like her in his life, their presence making the darkness that threatened to consume him flee.
He wanted to call her back and have her sit in his office instead of hers, right across from his, but he refrained. It always pained her to see him in this state and he had come to care for her too much to hurt her if it could be avoided.
He sighed as he closed his eyes and almost had a heart attack when his alarm went off. Glancing at the clock he took a deep breath and picked up his bag, meeting Mina at the door as they made their way to his Mythology course.
Today was a good day. He may feel depressed and simply wanted to curl up in his bed and sleep but at least his body was as strong as it was going to be and that was enough for him to teach his class instead of letting Mina take over for him. Harry would not waste one of the days that he actually felt well enough to teach to go to waste.
No, Harry would go to his class and do what he loved most—impart knowledge onto others and watch the interest and curiosity in the eyes of the students he was so fond of and maybe the discussions that would arise out of todays lecture would lift his spirits.
Harry stood in front on the podium and faced his students. "Today we will be discussing the art styles that emerged during the renaissance period, later linking it to the philosophy of the time."
By the end of the lecture Harry felt marginally better and left the hall as students gathered at the front to collect their papers.
He made his way outside and considered his options before deciding to take a walk through the park as the day had brightened and the rain clouds seemed to have passed. He dropped off his bag and grabbed his heavy winter jacket as he made his way out.
He found himself walking through Riverside park. He settled himself on his favorite bench in the rose garden and sat, taking in the vibrant life around him. The silence around him was undisturbed.
When the time came for him to head back to teach his Mythology class he stood and began the short walk back. As he made his way out of the popular rose garden, he looked out onto the pond as a few ducks landed in the still water of the mid-morning sun.
He gave a startled shout and flailed his arms to regain his balance as he began tipping over. Great, this was just what he needed on a day like this.
Harry sighed and closed his eyes as he just went with it, willing this day to simply end. He hated the days when he woke up like this, feeling alone and defeated. He felt shame and disappointed in himself.
Green eyes flew open as arms wrapped around him and stopped his fall. The arms that had steadied him lifted him until he faced a solid wall of muscle. He blinked at the chest and slowly raised his eyes until they met impossible, brilliant, clear blue eyes.
He felt the air slip past his lungs and hesitantly drew away from the man as his eyes, those brilliant eyes, clouded with concern. "Are you alright?" Harry let out a slow breath and nodded.
"I'm perfect, actually." The blonde, blue-eyed mad looked skeptical and Harry realized that although he felt good today, physically, he probably didn't look it considering the turn his thoughts had decided to take today.
"I'm sorry about that, I was lost in thought." The man said as he smiled unsurely up at him, and Harry knew this because he had worn the same smile himself so many times.
He smiled, did his best to, and was inexplicably relieved when some of the tension bled from those perfect, broad shoulders. "It's alright. I was looking at the ducks." Harry admitted as he looked back at the pond, seeing the number had increased while he had been caught up in his almost fall.
"Again, I apologize. May I buy you coffee? Something else if not, to make it up to you." He said hesitantly and Harry tried to think of some reason to say no, had formed the excuse already but his lips betrayed him.
"I don't make it a habit of accepting drinks from strangers." It also came out more teasing than he had intended. He blinked as he registered the tone and felt heat fill his cheeks. At least, he thought, his blushes never filled his face.
The man laughed, a deep rumbling laugh straight from his stomach and Harry found his blush deepening. It was a very attractive sort of laugh. The laughter faded but the smile didn't and Harry felt his breath catch.
Why was he trying to get away again?
"My name is Steve Rogers, pleased to make your acquaintance." Steve, his name was Steve, said with that same smile on his face.
Harry looked at the hand extended towards him in greeting and slowly reached out to take it. "Harry Potter. Likewise." He said as he looked away from the intensity of those blue eyes and down at their joined hands. He marveled at the difference between them, both grips strong and certain but one pale and the other darkened by a tan.
He looked up and Steve still did not let his hand fall, he smiled somewhat awkwardly and that seemed to do the trick as Steve dropped his hand. It felt cold, bereft as it dropped to his side. "So, now that we aren't strangers anymore, how about that coffee?" he said and Harry felt a small laugh escape him.
Harry remembered why he had to say no. He didn't have a choice really. "I'm sorry but I can't," his shoulders dropped and Harry hastened to add, "I have a class to teach in twenty minutes and still need to make the walk back to campus and grab the materials for lecture." He found himself explaining and didn't really know why.
"Oh," Steve replied and gave him the same smile as before. His cold must really be doing a number on him because just for a second, it felt like he couldn't breathe.
They stood in silence staring at one another until Harry stepped back, "Well, I have to get going. It was nice to meet you." He said with a smile as he walked around Steve and made his way back.
"Do you come here often?" Harry froze a few feet away and slowly turned. He looked around to make sure it was him Steve was talking to before he ducked his head when he realized it was.
"I like to visit the rose gardens," and that was as much as he was going to get from him.
He made his walk back in deep thought and wondered why he hadn't just brushed the man off, he was hardly the only attractive man to have every flirted with him. Besides, Harry hadn't dated anyone since, since, well it had been a while.
Steve and his blue eyes occupied his thoughts right up until his next lecture began and he pushed the thought of the man out of his mind, focusing on the here and now.
It was right in the middle of his mythology class that it hit him, making him pause right in the middle of presenting a new topic of discussion and with a simple, "oh—" and slightly warm cheeks, Harry went back to where he had left off, locking the revelation in the recess of his mind to keep something like that from happening again.
Later, as he made his way back to his office, the revelation came back to him full force and made him falter.
He was attracted to Steve; he wanted to get to know him and all from just a simple encounter and not even a single real conversation between them.
The day that had suddenly looked up took a downward spiral as he took in everything that meant.
No, no, it would never happen. Not only had Harry not gotten anything more than his name magic idiot, a simple point me—but Harry could not begin anything with anyone. He would not.
If Harry was going to die then he wanted to leave no more casualties than was necessary in his wake. A relationship was complicated and he knew better than anyone what death left in its wake, the emptiness it left behind.
No, it didn't matter that it had been an instant attraction he'd never felt before, much less believed in. It wouldn't happen.
Besides, New York was an incredibly vast and populated city. It wasn't like they were going to see each other again so it was a moot point.
Right?
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The end [for now? Forever?]
Note: So, this is obviously not part of the Taking Chances universe. I saw The Fault in Our Stars and I absolutely loved it. This is the result of a new muse having been born. I haven't had the time to read the book but will be doing so this summer. This is very loosely based on the book, more of an idea revolving around Harry having cancer, Steve trying to find his place, and seeing what happens with this muse.
Here's the deal, I have Lasting Possibilities to work on and I really want to finish that this summer so I don't know if I should divert my attention from that and onto this. What I want to know is how many of you are interested in the evolution of this muse. [no worries for Lasting Possibilities as I will take turns updating for each one but yeah]
What this means is that you should review to let know how interested you are in my pursuing this muse. I can woo the hell out of it or do the rare and random updates as I've done with Taking Chances coughninechaptersintwoyears. Err, so yeah, review and let me know how you feel about this.
Much love,
CotF