Alfred at Thanksgiving. Go.
Man, nobody ever comes to my house for Thanksgiving.
OK, OK, I know Thanksgiving is kind of my thing and it's not like I can expect my friends to come trucking their asses from all over the world just to eat turkey with me. So I swear, this isn't going to be me whining. It's just that, around this time of year, being an only child really bites. (Don't you dare mention Canada. He's, well, he's Canadian.) (No offense, dude.) When you see all those commercials start coming on during the football games, though, in between the Christmas commercials, I mean, and they've got those happy all-American families with the grandma who's way too young-looking and the mom who's not quite a MILF, and the dad who's all rugged, and all those perfect kids, you kind of start to want to see your own family. I guess this is more about that. I don't have a real family. None of us nations do.
I'm sure that, a long time ago, just like everybody else, we were born, and had a mom and a dad, and heck, maybe even a sibling, but then…what? We don't really age normally. I stayed like five years old for a century or two. I'm pretty sure that when most moms give birth to a kid, and then it's two by the end of the month, and then in another year it's already smarter than your husband, it would be something to stress about. Russia says Ukraine says that their family ditched both of them. (I don't even want to know where Belarus came from.) And I'm not willing to take that Commie's word for much, but I do kinda believe him. Especially since it was him. I don't think most families would want to keep him.
I was found up in Delaware, probably from around there, but I don't know. It's not like I remember the name of the town I was born in, and that's just supposing I was born in a legit actual town, not some random hut in the boonies. I don't know what year, or where my parents were from, and I'm not sure what language I was speaking first either, though England probably had me on the Queen's English pretty quick. But he didn't even find me first. Finland did. That's the first memory I have of meeting another nation.
Then, I hadn't quite known who I was or why I was so different from other people, but I knew I could clear a whole lot of space in just a little time, so that's what I did. I had the time of my life, running around and spying on people from different colonies, comparing settlements that were miles away—somehow I always knew where people were. Magic nation powers or something. Watching everybody, but too shy to come out and say hi. I just sort of poked around. And I stole stuff from people. I didn't know it was wrong.
Stealing from Finland had showed me it was wrong pretty quick.
He was sitting on a rock by a steam with his feet in the freezing cold water without a care, with half his lunch next to him and the rest in his mouth. I made a beeline for it. And then that big scary Sweden guy came right up out of the woods in two big strides and got me by the scruff of the neck (ok, fine, the collar of my gown) and hoisted me up like fifty feet in the air and he just stared at me, and man, I started crying. Like bawling. (I was only a kid, remember.) And so he made a face like a kicked puppy (except it was scary as hell) and that made me cry even worse. Finland got up with a mouthful of food still, like that guy must inhale a double cheeseburger, and was like "Fu-fa, putzat chid dun wookie's scarved" or something. Then he swallowed, thank God, and handed me the rest of his lunch.
I ate lunch with them that day. It was nice.
At the end of that half hour, though, they stood up and said something to me about having to go build their villa, and Finland asked if I wanted to come. I had started to like them, especially since they had given me free food; but I didn't go with them, because I wasn't about to go and hand off my freedom to these grown-ups, and so I walked away.
After that, I started to learn more about myself. I began to understand why I was so different, and why those two guys and I had spoken with each other (even though I hadn't said much). The more I learned about myself, the more I got lonely, because when you figure out that you're not a human at such a young age, you start feeling cut off from the world pretty quick. Later I found England and France (they didn't find me)(just so you know). I picked the creepy whiny guy over good food, got brought up by the English, and when things got too bad, revolted with the French. And between the two of them, those two guys have helped me grow up from a kid to a teenager so much, they really could be my family. I don't know how I'll ever thank them. But that's what you think about at Thanksgiving, right?
Whatever. The thing is, they never come over to my house for Thanksgiving, and so I'm still all like forever alone drinking beer and watching the football game.
Go team.