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Broken Wings
It was just the wind. I shivered as I sat up, peeling the covers back as I looked out the window at the trees dancing to a moaning song. It was just the wind... I feel my hands shaking, my pulse racing, my heart pounding. I repeat my mantra in my mind, closing my eyes tight.
I am Katniss Everdeen. I survived the 74th Hunger Games, the Quarter Quell. I was the Mockingjay who lead the Districts against the Capital. Prim is dead. I am home in District 12. I am safe. I open my eyes, staring at the trees as I add a little more, outloud. "Peeta came back yesterday..." I let a slow, shaky breath out as I slide my feet onto the cold wooden floor. As I start to get dressed, the sun is barely starting to peak up in the horizon. I pull on my black pants, a fitted tank, and my dad's jacket, smiling for a second as I feel the warmth it gives me. Heading down the steps, I grab my bow and arrow and head out, willing my legs to take me out of the Victor's Village and far from the nightmares I can never seem to escape for long. The late spring morning is chilled, the wind providing a sting of cold to my face that I welcomed quite willingly. I follow the path to where the fence used to be, only posts remaining. This fence... meant to keep us locked in, forever to keep us in the place the Capitol saw fit.. it was down. There were no boundaries, no limits to where I could travel. The adventures I could have were endless. But now, as I cross into the woods and my familar hunting grounds, I realize that all I want to do is crawl back into my bed and stay there forever.. At the sound of a twig snap I swing around, shooting a small rabbit right threw the heart. My life... I can't even begin to pick up the pieces. I can't make sense of simple things. I lean against a tree, sliding to the ground. I am beyond repair, just another invention of the Capitol. They have broken me, taken all that I love... The wind sends chills up my spine as I bring my knees to my chest, staring out at nothing. I am alone.
A mockingjay flutters by and I look up, focusing on it. I am a lonely Mockingjay. I led the rebellion... I hurt Peeta... I indirectly killed Prim. I can't help but choke out a sound of angish, surely scaring away any game left in the area. Why didn't I just die in the Games... why did I become a figure head for a rebellion? No good deed goes unpunished... All it led to was another corrupt politician taking Snow's place. The look on Gale's face when I took out President Coin... I didn't expect him to come back. I left him at the hanging tree. My mother... I couldn't expect her to come back either. First my father, now Prim. Hell, even I'm long gone from her, in a world no one can reach me. Not even Haymitch, who'd reverted back to his drinking. I can't blame him... I'd tried it a few times with him, but no matter how much I drank, I couldn't block out Rue dying, Peeta's haunting eyes, Prim's screams, or really anything I wanted to forget. I wonder if drinking himself into a stupor helped my old mentor. For me, nothing eased the pain.
"I... thought you'd be out here.." I jumped a little, aiming my arrow right at the center of Peeta's chest. He regarded me cautiously, keeping his distance. "Sorry... you were staring right at me for awhile, but I figured you were... elsewhere." Memories of Peeta's hands wrapped around my throat surfaced but I quickly shoved them down as I lowered my arrow.
"S...Sorry.." My own voice sounded so different coming out of my mouth. Not surprising, I honestly hadn't spoken to anyone that much since I came back to the ruins of District 12. I had yelled at Peeta yesterday, before I realized that the roses he wanted to plant were primroses... I felt my throat constrict and I tried to swallow. Prim...
"I think you should answer the doctor's phone calls..." Peeta mentioned nonchalantly as he took out a clothe, drapping it on the ground, placing his pack beside him as he sat down. He emptied its contents out on the clothe, a loaf of bread and some fresh fruit. He reached into the bag and gently withdrew a beautiful cake with detailed latice work. Every detail on it had a purpose, a beautiful purpose... It looked too delicious to eat. I carefully watched him as he set everything with care. Looking up, he caught my eyes, keeping them hostage. Deep, peircing blue... his soft kind eyes were back, but I could see that behind everything, his memories were haunted. He was hijacked by Capitol, his memories twisted to use him against me... but I know he was trying. I know he was confused. I try to pull my eyes away but I can't help but wonder what my eyes mirror to him. Does he see the empty shell of the person I've become? How could we possibly ever be ok...?
"Katniss..." I hear his voice shake a little as I refocus, lost in his gaze. "Come... join me for breakfast." I could hear the hesitation his voice, his thoughts roaring as an uprise in his head. "The doctor said I should try to just... be around you... try to rebuild... whatever we are or were..." His eyes divert from mine, looking down at the cake. "If... you'd like a friend, I'd like to... try.." A friend... I was never good at making friends. Gale was really my only friend, other than Prim. Or Rue. But Peeta? I studied him. What... what were we before? We weren't just friends. We became one in the games. Losing Peeta... is there a chance, a slight glimmer of hope we can ever be okay? I can hear my own hysteric laughter in my mind as a thought surfaces: What is okay, anyway?
I must have looked lost or just completely crazy because Peeta offered a small smile as he got up and offered his hand to me. I looked at it, trying to remember the last time we held hands. Everything was so damaged... Every damn last thing. But... I look up at him and his smile doesn't waver. He wants to be friends... and that thought... it warms me deep inside, a feeling I'm not familar with after all of the chaos. I hesitantly reach out and take his hand, the familar feeling threatening to bring tears to my eyes. I... I have missed this. I have missed Peeta. He pulls me up, gently leading me over to the food. We're both so broken, but... maybe we can start rebuilding our lives.