DISCLAIMER: The ideas are mine, the characters, sadly are not.
"I'm not what's missing from your life now." Elliott Smith - Ptseleth
Sirius stood by the window, watching the violence of the raindrops for several minutes. When it became clear that the storm would not slacken anytime soon, the young wizard took his leather jacket and walked out the doorway. He was already late.
Sirius meant to be late; he did that very often. There was an indescribable pleasure at the knowledge that others were waiting for him. It made him feel powerful, cool, unattached. It usually did. Today, however, he was scared. Scared that the person he wanted to meet might decide not to show up at all. Scared that she might give up on waiting. That she might have given up on him.
As he rode his motorcycle through the wild fields and crops of Northern Britain, Sirius felt butterflies in his stomach. It was the same way he had felt the first time he saw her. The beautiful Alice Fortescue.
Sirius remembered back to the day he met her, over a decade ago. They bumped into one another outside one of the compartments on the Hogwarts Express, about ten or twelve chocolate frogs falling from his hands.
"Watch out, new kid," she said, smiling as she looked down at him. What a lovely voice.
After that initial meeting though, they hadn't seen much of each other. He ended up being sorted in her house, but she was a few years ahead, and it was only natural that they lost touch. Things remained like that for a few years, although the you Mr. Black never really tired of watching Alice, and she walked through the main hall, her long black hair cascading down her back, several rolls of parchment on her arms. By the time she entered her fifth year, though, Alice became a prefect, and by this time, Sirius was already well-known trouble-maker in the school.
It was innocent at first. Miss. Fortescue stood by a window, brushing the snow off of her books, and Mr. Black thought she'd be impressed if he sparred her the trouble. Of course, he didn't really know any snow-brushing spells and instead of simply using a Vanishing Charm on the snow flakes, he tried an elaborate gimmick which threw her books out the window, almost breaking through the frozen surface of the lake.
"What do you think you're doing?" she asked, glaring.
He was so stunned the charm had not worked that he couldn't think of an answer and he laughed. That was enough to convince her he was merely involved in another of his mischiefs.
"No magic on the hallways, Black, you know the rules!"
"Come on! Are you taking points off of Gryffindor because you don't want to go down a couple of stairs and pick your books up?" he asked, clearly mocking the girl and managing to attract the attention of those passing by.
"I can't take points, and you're well aware of that. But I can place you in detention, which will start by going to the grounds and bringing those books to me right now!"
People started to gather around and watch the argument. A couple of Ravenclaw fourth-years were giggling and making remarks on Sirius's good looks. Alice was infuriated, though Sirius was merely amused. He walked towards her, pointed his wand at the lake and commanded "Accio books!" after which the books floated up, landing softly in Alice's arms.
"What about now?" he asked, smirking. "Do I get a detention for that as well?"
He walked away before she could say anything.
After that, Sirius let himself get caught several times when she was around. Alice would oversee his detention, no matter what it was. They talked for long hours while he scrubbed the floors of some forgotten dungeon, or dissected the slugs that would be required for some particularly disgusting Potions class.
Sirius didn't think too much about what Alice represented to him, about the way she made him feel. She was just different. She wore her dark hair shorter than any other girl, in a way he found irreverent and provocative. She was intelligent, quite the bookworm for what he could observe, and she was funny. He especially loved when he caught her eye and she was smiling at some of his practical jokes. He liked it even more because that smile never lasted more than a couple of seconds before she realized she was a prefect and had to do something about it.
He hated that she had a boyfriend.
He had other girls of course. Not girlfriends, because he never really cared about any of them. Sirius was merely curious, and as one of the infamous Marauders he had standards to live up to. For a long time, it didn't seem to matter to Alice. He was younger after all, overconfident, and he tried to show off in a way that was almost ridiculous sometimes- all things she informed him daily. She could never fall for him.
Eventually they started doing things together. They joined the Astronomy club and took cooking lessons from one of the castle's house elves. She would help him with his Transfiguration homework, and lecture him on Astrology or Arithmancy. He didn't really learn much, but he started to read a lot more. He didn't want Alice to be bored by his company.
After her final N.E.W.T. examination, during her last weeks in Hogwarts as a student, Sirius got her to agree to come to Hogsmeade with him.
It was the first time they had just hung out together, with no excuses, no ulterior motives. Neither of them told anybody about it. Her friends would mock her for hanging with a kid, and his friends would mock him for not having kissed her yet.
But they enjoyed each other's company. He made her laugh, and she made him feel like himself, in a way Sirius was totally new to.
"So how did you O.W.L's go?" she had asked.
"I don't know. I won't know till a month from now, when I get the results, I guess..." he answered, his voice trailing off.
"You really don't care? I mean, these grades could define what you'll do with your life after school," Alice replied, obviously shocked at how uncaring he seemed.
"What do you want to do?" he asked in return, not answering her question.
"Me?" Alice thought for a moment. "I want to apply to be an Auror."
"Don't you have to train for years after school to be an Auror?"
"I guess so. But it's worth it. I want to do something with my life. Something that matters"
Sirius looked down, a sad smile on his lips.
"What?" Alice asked, curious. She seemed to take his expression for disappointment.
"Nothing, it's just- well, maybe what I want to do with my life doesn't require great grades."
"And what would that be?"
" I want to see the world. I was locked at my parents' manor before I came to Hogwarts, in a world where everything is nobility, titles, blood and gold. Then I came here. I don't know that I want to spend more years inside classrooms, doing more studying, more training. I want to do things, to see places. I mean, there's this war out there. You never know when it'll be your last chance to- to just live." He stopped for a few seconds "Maybe I just don't know what to do with my life yet."
He didn't look at Alice because even in his mind his words sounded immature. The pause extended for several minutes before she replied.
"You're probably thinking I'm a child, now."
"No, I don't. For real. It's just-" Alice seemed unsure. "I have these same feelings you have. I want to seize life but- Well, as you said, there's a war out there, and I don't think it's right to just walk away. Even if there's a risk something happens, even if our lives are cut short and we never get to do the things we want to do."
Sirius, thought about that for a second. He knew she was right and he'd been struggling with those issues for quite some time now. He knew James wanted to stay and fight, and James was his- his brother. He could never let him behind. But he didn't feel this war was his war to fight. And war or no war, they were all running out of time. That was why he turned to Alice all of the sudden with an unexpected request.
"Dance with me."
"What?" The command caught her by surprise. "Here, in the middle of the street?" They'd stop walking in front of the Shrieking Shack.
"Your graduation ball is in a few days. Dance with me."
"Sirius I can't!"
"Of course you can. Must you dance every dance with Frank? He's so plain."
"I've been dating Frank for three years now."
"Big deal! Won't you change partners, just once? You never know, it may be your last chance. You said so yourself, Alice. None of us may have enough time."
"Shouldn't you be doing this with someone your own age, Black?" She deflected his protests.
"Shouldn't you?" he pointed out. After all, the girl had agreed to go out in that weird excuse for a date they were in.
That strange date, that strange conversation had taken place many years ago. It seemed that way, and Sirius was jerked away from his memories as the raindrops grew colder and hit him on the face. He shook his head, unwilling to relive everything. Her ball, the years that followed.
He remmembered they had never danced.
He lost track of her when she left Hogwarts, and he was angry. Angry that he'd open himself to her, angry that she had rejected him. In a few years he'd be done with school, and he would go away, never to think of Alice Fortescue again. But things didn't turn out quite that way. His friends decided to stay. James finally planted a flag on Lily's heart, and the two of them signed in to become aurors. Moony had been summoned by Dumbledore to integrate his Order of the Phoenix, and because he'd never wanted to leave them behind, he too accepted Dumbledore's invitation. He became a soldier in that war.
Dumbledore sent him away. He needed spies in other regions, in other countries, and he knew Sirius' had what it took. He had no ties to Britain, he had never had ambitions to work for the ministry, so he was the perfect man for the job. He went abroad, and disappeared for several months.
All that time, she was the most lively memory in his mind. And by the time he got back for his grand-son's birth, Alice was the one person he truly needed to see.
She answered his call, in spite of the rain. Alice Fortescue stood still under the willow tree, shaking a little from the cold. Her dress was soaked in rainwater, skintight to her body. It took him a few seconds to realize she actually there, before he could get off of his bike and place his leather jacket over her shoulders.
The rain was so heavy it took only a few seconds for his shirt to be soaked in water, and the muscles on his arm could be seen under the tight sleeve. He was not a boy anymore.
"Alice."
The wizard brushed some wet hair from her forehead gently, but stopped when she started to cry and hit his chest with closed fists.
"Alice, stop!" He held her wrists gently so as not to hurt her.
"You left. You just left!" she sobbed.
"I know."
"You said nothing! And then you send me this note, 'meet me under the willow', like we're still kids, and like I don't have a life. Who do you think you are?"
"I left because of you, okay? You were the one who said we needed to fight. I only went where Dumbledore sent me, and I could tell you where I was, but I missed you every day, okay?"
"No. No, Sirius, it's not okay!" Alice said, as she quit trying to hit him and fell on his arms, sobbing desperatelly.
"I came back for you." Sirius' said. "I'm not the kid you accused me from being on your graduating ball, anymore."
"I broke up with Frank after that ball because of you." She said.
Sirius allowed his arms to fall on the sides of his body. He had never known that.
"I sent you messages, but you ignored me. I tried and talk to you, but you wouldn't listen." Alice said.
"I was angry." Sirius, said, softly. "I thought- I don't know what I thought, but I didn't think I wanted to be with you anymore."
"And now, what do you want, Sirius?"
"I want you." He said simply, because there was no other possible answer, and moved closer to her. "I want to be with you. I want to pick you up and drive you away from everything and everyone here, away from the war, from the death counts, from the failures- I want you to come with me to this little house I found, in a Muggle village somewhere in the west. That's what I want."
Alice bit her lower lip and continued to cry.
"Alice, I've been away, I've seen this war. You wouldn't believe the destruction its causing, entire villages have been torn apart. I've piles of children's bodies." He said. "And I realize, that's not what I want. I don't want my life to end before it even starts, I want to have a chance to build a future with you." He stopped looking at her for a few seconds. "But if you want to stay, I'll stay with you. I'm already in the Order of the Phoenix, I'll ask Dumbledore for a different assignement, and I'll be here. We'll live together. And I'll protect you here." Sirius stopped once more.
"Sirius-" She started to talk again, and once again, she stopped, crying, her tears confusing themselves with the raindrops on Alice's face.
"James and Lily had a son. I have a picture, here, I've been dying to show you this. He's my grand-son, his name's Harry. He's a beautiful baby, Alice, you will love him." Sirius smiled. "I went to see him, a few days ago, I held him in my arms, he's so tiny. And I kept thinking that I want to have kids too. And I want do that with you."
"Sirius, stop!"
"I'm ready now."
"I'm engaged to Frank."
Sirius let go of her instantly. "Frank Longbottom?"
"Yes."
"But you said-"
"We got back together one month ago. I never thought I'd see you again."
Sirius felt the impact of the news hit him like a punch on the stomach. He had no right to be upset, and he knew, but still-
"Engagements break off." He said, not really thinking about his words.
"Sirius-"
"Tell him you changed your mind. You did it before, remember? When I asked you to marry me in that ball? You looked me in the eyes and you said no, you mocked my proposal because I was just a kid. Engagements break off, you've done it before."
He could hardly believe it himself that he was bringing that up.
"It's different this time."
"Why?"
She couldn't answer.
"I know I did wrong. I did everything wrong. I'm not half the guy I wish I was, but I'm here now. Look me in the eyes and tell me you love him more." Sirius asked, staring her in the eyes.
"I'm pregnant." She whispered, and then added answering the question on Sirius' eyes. "With Frank's Child."
Sirius' eyes went from her face to her belly button. He couldn't see anything and a part of him was trying to convince the rest that he'd somehow misunderstood her. That it was a lie.
But if history was any indication there was only one liar among the two of them.
"Sirius-"
Alice attempted to speak, but he placed his finger over her lips. He attempted to dry her tears, in spite of her face already being wet because of the rain. Sirius pulled her closer.
"Alice- if this war brings the death of us, and I never kiss you… it would be my greatest regret."
She closed her eyes, and he pressed his lips to her forehead, instead of her lips as he wanted to and knew she expected. He spoke again.
"It will be." He said, looking into her eyes, and walked away. He never thought he would have to give up on the one he loved.
"I never meant to hurt you." He said. He was too late, after all.
And perhaps because he didn't want her to see any of his feelings, Sirius never looked back. She watched his motorcycle disappear over the horizon, nonetheless. It was then that she noticed she still had his jacket on, and there was something small in the inside pocket.
A ring, with a simple inscription:
Some feeligs never die.
"No Sirius," she whispered into the wind, tears quietly falling from her eyes, "no, they don't."
Author's Note: The one thing I like about this story is the scenario... I can see it in my mind, as clearly as if it was a comic book, and the pictures were drawn in front of me... The tree, the bike, the two of them, the grayish sky... No one else around, for miles and miles and miles... It is.. beautiful.
This is an old story, written after months of writer's block. I changed it a bit, but it doesn't sound quite good yet. I've been rather skeptical of my own writing skills, lately. Be that as it may, the story is here. No need to be kind on your reviews, I know that there's something missing from my stories lately... I just... I just have to figure out what...
LLAP