Title: She's Not Me
Author: Graballz
Summary: Spoilers for Episode 4x02 "Homecoming" After the conversation in the car between Andy and Sam, Andy's thoughts and reflections on their relationship.
Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue or any of the characters. I am not affiliated with the show, station, channel, or anything like that. I make no money from this.
Author's Note: The italicized portion at the beginning is the conversation from the episode between Andy and Sam in his truck in the parking lot of the Black Penny. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
What happened with us?
What happened with us? You walked away from us. Again. That's what happened.
No, you broke up with me.
And I told you I was sorry, that I made a mistake, that I would make it up to you, that I would do anything to make us work. You did not feel the same way.
I did feel the same way. Sam, you broke my heart.
Well, you got me back.
Why her?
We get along. She's funny. She's fun. She's not complicated. She's not you.
Okay.
She's Not Me
He hates wearing uniforms in the summer. Does SHE know that? I do now. But it doesn't matter. Because we're not together. Because he's with someone who's not complicated. He's with someone who's not me.
Because I walked away. Like it was my fault. He broke up with me. HE broke up with me. He BROKE UP with me. He broke up with ME. Maybe if I say it often enough, it will make sense. He broke up with me first. He was the one who walked away. He broke my heart. He broke my trust. How was I supposed to know that his declarations of 'I made a mistake' or 'I will do anything to make us work' were real? HE BROKE UP WITH ME! He knows me. He knows my past. He watched what happened with Luke. He knows my father. He saw what my relationship is like with my mother. He knows my dating history. AND HE STILL BROKE UP WITH ME, in spite of all of that.
How the hell was I supposed to trust him?
So I did what I always do when I get scared. I ran. He's wrong. I didn't walk away from 'us'. I RAN away from 'us'. I took the undercover job because I wouldn't survive him walking away again. I couldn't take that chance. I just couldn't. Apparently now I should have, but I didn't know that then. I DIDN'T KNOW. So it's my fault, according to him. Because I walked away.
He thought I didn't feel the same way? How could he think that? Maybe he doesn't know me as well as I thought he did, if he can't tell how I feel about him. I can't breathe when he's around. I can't breathe when he's not around. We click. It works. We are great together, until we're not. And then we ruin each other. But when it works, oh my god, it works.
How could I not want that? He professed everything I wanted to hear. It seemed too good to be true. Was it 'too little, too late'? Maybe not. It is now, because he's dating her, but six months ago, he was telling me everything I wanted to hear from him for so long. And I wanted to believe him so badly, but he's Sam. He's Swarek. He's Sam Swarek. Serial playboy. Notorious breaker of hearts, including mine.
Apparently I 'got him back'. What is this, a game of tag? My heart won't survive that game. Maybe he did love me once, if I broke his heart too. But he broke mine first! How was I supposed to know and trust that when he did what he did to me? Maybe we both need to grow up.
And she's not me. Good. I'm glad. Damn right she's not me. She runs 10k's. She's a detective. She probably wouldn't run away from the love of her life professing commitment to her. She's not complicated. She's not me. He's safer with her. Maybe she won't break him. She better not. She's…she's worthy of him. Traci said she runs funny, but she was just trying to make me feel better. Of course he's with her. She's better than me.
Except my world doesn't make sense without him. I don't make sense without him. I'm no good for him. I crash into him in the doorway…TWICE. I get him shot at. He pointed out to me like I'm some rookie cop the 'mountain of evidence' against the guy I KNOW is the wrong suspect, instead of listening to what I was saying and believing me. He was my TO. He trained me better than what he apparently thinks I'm capable of. I'm twice the cop I ever would be on my own, and it's because of him.
And he's with her. Because she's not me.