It Can't Rain All The Time
It can't rain all the time;
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long;
Your tears won't fall
Forever,
The rain is slashing down outside the window, like a storm of frosted silver, mercury drops, beating against the pane like a thousand angry birds. I feel as if its been raining for such a very long time. It was raining in my life before I married Lucius; so I don't blame him, not for everything. My father was a lot like him really, dedicated to a cause. Not darkness, although I suspect he would have enjoyed being a Death Eater, much as Lucius does. No my fathers cause was having his own way, he was the only thing that mattered.
Like Lucius, he was handsome, not white blonde, but a sort of dark brown colour. My mother told me once that when a mink was in its summer coat it was much like my fathers' hair.
She loved him.
Poor thing.
He believed he was, and had every right to be, the centre of our universes, mine, my mothers, my elder brothers. Oh yes, I had a family, I don't have one now of course, they're gone, gone completely. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one that remembers…
But the rain was falling for us then, even on sunny days. Most of the rumours are true; we were on the edge of bankruptcy. Being an old family was never a substitute for money, and my father was a spender. Oh not to say we all didn't spend well beyond our means, but my father, well, he was god, and since when did the law apply to gods? We were trapped, so my mother decided that to keep the rest of the family in the manner to which they were accustomed I would be sold.
Not into slavery, no, into marriage, and to Lucius of all people. I hadn't known him well, we didn't move in the same circles, the Malfoy family was ancient, yes, but they were old money, and that made all the difference. Apparently he had seen me at a party thrown by one of his friends, Actura I think, more old money. I think I was only invited to make up numbers. My mother had said he was instantly smitten, that would turn anyone's head, Lucius was as handsome then as he is now.
If he had been a woman he would have been quite the belle of the ball, and even so, he was always the centre of things, laughing, joking, a well mannered social butterfly. But that was all I had seen of him when I agreed to marry him. It sounds a joke, how can you let someone marry you when you don't know them at all? But I, idiot that I was, fancied myself in love with him. And so, we married.
We walk the narrow path.
Beneath the smoking skies.
Sometimes,
Barely tell the difference,
Between the darkness and the light.
The wedding itself was a fairy tale. Extravagant, no expense was spared. I was just coming up to twenty four years old and all I could see was the fantastic dresses, the diamonds, bought to compliment my 'pristine beauty' and Lucius. He played the attentive suitor right to the end, but he was very careful never to be alone with me, never outside of a room with at least my mother in it, and never ever at Malfoy Manor.
My mother explained it away. He was from an old family, they did things properly, and I was to stop picking faults and think of the family and the debt had piled up.
Do we have faith?
In what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot,
When we cannot see.
Of course, I wasn't to find out about Lucius until our wedding night, the fact that he enjoyed violence in the bedroom. I think the fact that I wasn't a virgin incensed him beyond all control. But how do you tell your husband of hours, that your father enjoyed raping you on a regular basis, from childhood up. Of course, now that I think of it, it probably wouldn't have perturbed him, I can only pray that he hasn't scarred our son by the same treatment.
My little dragon. My Draco.
I had part of the naming of you, I don't think he really cared what your first name was, as long as it ended with Malfoy. Two of his friends were part of your second names, I never knew either of them, but they were at the wedding, or so I was later informed. So I called you my Dragon, three years into our marriage, you were a ray of sunshine through the clouds from the moment I realised I had conceived.
Lucius had to stay out of my bed; he couldn't use me as he usually did for fear of hurting you. Most mothers love their children; I adored you from the first moment that the medimages placed you into my arms. You were Lucius' son. That was one thing he could never deny, you are too much like him in looks to be anyone else's. And, despite many accusations, I have never taken a lover. Your eyes were never baby blue, they were a little misty at first, but they hardened to that Malfoy grey within hours.
I have to admit; I have never seen Lucius so genuinely, pleased about anything. I think that is the only thing that I have never doubted about my husband, that he loved his son. I must put it in the past tense, for I think this betrayal may have truly struck behind his armour and into what he has of a heart.
And then I was presented with a changeling, at two years old I could see you, my little dragon, changing slowly but surely into an intelligent child, but there were things reflected in your eyes that no child should ever have known. I was going to talk to you of it, see what I could do, mothers can bandage that sort of hurt too, not just cut knees. That day your father brought home a tiny scrap of a girl, I thought at first she was one of his by-blows, I knew even then that he had mistresses, he was quite open with it. A brat too risky to leave where she could be found by one of his enemies.
You looked at each other my little one, just looked, and then you took hold of her hand and dragged her away. I was concerned, the look in your eyes had almost been recognition, but I had never seen that odd little girl before. I brought it up with Lucius, stupid really, but I thought we had a fairly decent relationship at that point, he and I didn't sleep together but we were tolerant. And I, fool that I was, loved him still.
In the pounding feet in,
the streets below,
And the window breaks,
And a women falls,
There's something wrong;
And its hard to believe in love will prevail.
So I brought it up over dinner, for the first time you were dining apart from us, alone with that girl, and I hated it. So I asked Lucius who the child was, and what your relationship to could be. He answered me "She's my Masters child" A master? I hadn't known at that point that Lucius was involved in any way with the Death Eaters, but I think it struck me then, and showed in my eyes. That of course was a mistake, in that Lucius was a lot like my father, no one could gainsay what he did, or disapprove.
After that the night was a little bit of a blur, I remember the sex, and bleeding, Lucius in a temper has always been a good lover, but a violent one, that never changes. I think he intended to cow me, but that wasn't necessary, I was already dying inside. It was the last thing he said that snapped me back, from my tiny haven to the place where it rained. I wasn't to see you again, my little dragon, as long as the girl was with you.
That had to be one of the most painful moments of my life, for seven years I was kept away from you, I saw you at meals, out of windows, but never alone. And by the time Lucius finally sent that child away, the damage was done. You didn't hate me, hating means that you feel deeply for someone, I hate your father and to a certain extent I hate myself. But you didn't hate me; I looked into those nine year old eyes, that I had last seen in the face of a warm precocious child, and saw nothing but indifference, indifference and a pain that made you old before your time.
When I'm lonely,
I lie awake at night;
And I wish you were here.
I miss you.
Can you tell me;
Is there something more to believe in.
Or is this all there is?
And now I've lost you completely, I knew when I came back to the room to warn you that your father was coming that you wouldn't come back to me. It was stupid really; I should have told you that I cared, that I wish I hadn't missed so much of your childhood. It hurts to think that you might believe that I don't care. I suppose that's why I'm talking to you like this, inside my head. Because I will never be brave enough to defy your father and tell you outright what his scheming did to us years ago.
You're still following that girl, or dragging her by the arm, or somewhere in between, I hate the thought and envy it at the same time. There was always that between you, I hope, wherever you are that your father doesn't kill either of you for what he will always see as a betrayal, and I hope, that he gets some sort of punishment for what he's done. Not to me, because, I've done this to myself, I fell in love with a silver shadow, and I love it still, even having seen the substance that cast it.
Its still raining, the water is still striking the panes in some sort of unnatural tattoo, but its more difficulty to hear now, the rain that has haunted the inside of my mind is gone. That incessant drumming wet noise has finally left me. I'm a coward. I have been for years. Perhaps this is my first and only brave act, I'm not sure, but it's too late now, and my last view is of the rain, perhaps that's irony. Its darker now, and the rain is gone, I always knew that it couldn't rain all the time.
It won't rain all the time;
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long.
Your tears won't fall,
Your tears won't fall,
Your tears won't fall;
Forever.
Authors Note : B flat ;) No apart from the lame attempts at humour, thanks to Cat for betaing yet again, its becoming a habit, read her stuff now ! The song lyrics are from It Can't Rain All The Time which is on The Crow soundtrack, JKR owns all of the characters except Amaris of course, she is one lucky millionaire.