Well. It's been a while. I haven't really been on for...years? (I've been kinda creeping around Ao3).
Anyway. Yay. I finally finished something. This is a very overdue gift!fic for kooksthekook who ships 8059 like burning, prompting me to write my very first 8059 fic. I've been in this fandom for almost 7 years now and this is my first 8059 fic, JFC.
Eh. Unbeta-ed as usual but I did a quick run-through so mistakes are totes my fault.
KHR! is Amano's. Book Thief quotes from Zusak. I own absolutely nothing.
Kinda sad that I can't do any of my fancy formatting on here but, eh what can you do?
{a boy that loves you}
.
"The only thing worse than a boy who hates you: a boy that loves you."
.
When Gokudera Hayato first meets Yamamoto Takeshi, he barely acknowledges the other boy's existence, barely bats an eyelash at the interested glint in the other's eyes. In Gokudera's carefully structured universe, Yamamoto is but a speck of unnecessary dust floating between the multitudes of galaxies exploding into being inside his head.
Gokudera's a busy man with big plans.
There's no need to bother with people who'll just become collateral damage later on.
But when his plan of killing Sawada Tsunayoshi turns completely upside down, Gokudera finds himself paying attention. His universe's been blown to bits, all the galaxies got sucked inside black holes and the only thing that's remained completely unchanged is that single speck of dust that is Yamamoto Takeshi.
("Hey, I'm Yamamoto Takeshi.")
It's a bit annoying, really.
.
In just a few months, Yamamoto's gone from that unnecessary speck of dust to a fully-fledged natural satellite in Gokudera's newly constructed universe that pretty much revolves around Tsuna. It annoys him, grates at him, makes him want to grab at Yamamoto and throw him off the fucking orbit because he's not supposed to be there.
He's not supposed to be there because he's just Yamamoto Takeshi and he never had a place in Gokudera's universe in the first place.
("I'm the Tenth's right-hand man, baseball idiot," Gokudera snarls, "so fuck off!"
Yamamoto just smiles and says, "You're not the only one who wants to be friends with Tsuna, Gokudera. Can't we all just get along?"
"No, we fucking can't!"
"Ahaha, don't be like that Gokudera. I want to be your friend too!")
.
The thing is—the thing is that Gokudera can only wishwishwish that Yamamoto would go and hate him.
("I like you a lot, Gokudera," Yamamoto whispers over the teacher's droning and it startles Gokudera to his very bones because it's not the same way that Yamamoto says, "I like you, Tsuna," or "I like sushi," or whatever inanity that spews out of Yamamoto Takeshi's ridiculously stupid mouth. Instead it has all the undertones and secrets and all of the things that Gokudera doesn'tdoesn'tdoesn't want to know.
So he scowls and grits out a, "I fucking hate you, asshole," and prays that his heart would listen.
It doesn't.)
.
When Yamamoto Takeshi confesses to him for the very first time, Gokudera considers taking the coward's way out, because this is a little bit too much. Because there are a lot of things that Gokudera Hayato can handle, but having someone fall in love with him wholeheartedly is not one of them.
("I—I really like you a lot, Gokudera."
He rolls his eyes, because he knows, knows this to heart. He's not deaf. "I know that already, baseball idiot. Now, can we go back? The Tenth's waiting."
"No, I mean—I'm in love with you."
"What?")
He's scared.
.
"He does things to me, that boy. Every time. It's his only detriment. He steps on my heart. He makes me cry."
.
Gokudera's never been a very good liar. He's good enough of a liar to make it as a Mafioso, of course, can easily weave lies as easily as Mukuro can. But when it comes to the things that matter? When it comes to Yamamoto Takeshi and his stupidstupidlovely smiles?
Gokudera's a horrible liar.
It's almost funny.
Except that it's really, really not.
("I'm never going to love you back, you know." It's his best lie yet but Yamamoto just fucking smiles and Gokudera wants to die.
"Never's a pretty strong word, don't you think?" Yamamoto says with all the sincerity and all the love and all the things that Gokudera doesn't and will never want from him.
Gokudera wishes he'd just stop.
But Yamamoto's an idiot so he doesn't.
Never does, actually.)
.
When Yamamoto confesses to him a third time, he's bleeding out from a bullet wound to the stomach and bullets are raining down on them; Millefiore in every direction, not a single ally in sight. The Tenth—Tsuna—is dead, locked up in a box, never to be opened again, and the Vongola is but a bloody stain on the map.
Gokudera's tired. So, incredibly tired, and he just wants to sleep, but he can't.
Not yet.
Not ever.
("Gokudera, I—if I—" Yamamoto gasps, and Gokudera flinches at the sound.
It sounds painful.
"No." He bites out, furious, pushing harder with the hand staunching the bleeding. "Shut the fuck up. I swear to God, Yamamoto, if you continue that sentence I will kill you myself."
"'Dera—"
"You're not going to die!" Gokudera yells, screams, and he thinks there are tears streaming down his face now. It's the first time he's cried, since, since that day, and this time he's crying for Yamamoto-fucking-Takeshi. "I'm not going to let you die, do you hear me, Yama—Takeshi? So save your love confessions for later!"
Yamamoto laughs and smiles a heartbreaking smile. "Okay. Okay, I won't die.")
.
Afterwards—it's the only way Gokudera can call it, this utter clusterfuck of a plan that should not have worked, but did—after he's screamed himself hoarse at Hibari's stupid face and crushed Tsuna in a bone-crushing hug (and threatened to quit if he pulls anything like that ever again, I swear, Tenth, I will), Gokudera turns to Yamamoto.
He allows himself this one thing.
("I love you," Yamamoto whispers against his ear and Gokudera can feel his heartbeat from where they're pressed tight in a hug. He wonders if Yamamoto feels the way his heart's trying to break out his chest. "God, I love you so much."
I love you too, he wants to say, but can't, the words sticking in his throat, so he does the next best thing and tightens his hold on Yamamoto and says instead—
"I'm glad you didn't die, idiot."
—which, well, pretty much means the same thing.
Not that Gokudera will ever admit that.)
.
"My heart is so tired."
.
They are playing chess when Gokudera finally asks the question that's been taking root in his heart. It's been blistering on his tongue, hot and tasting sharply of tart hope and the bitterness of rejection. It's the only truth he's hoarded jealously and he imagines, expects, that it should hurt when he gives it up.
It doesn't.
("Are you still in love with me?" He says, asks, foolish as a school boy with his first crush. The words are flying away from him, escaping from his lips, like birds clamoring away from a steel cage.
Yamoto wordlessly moves his Queen, and Gokudera can barely see the board—doesn't know who's winning or losing—what feels suspiciously like tears clouding his vision because the silence is deafening.
And then, and then Yamamoto huffs out a small, rueful laugh and peers up at him underneath dark lashes. "I don't think I can actually stop." He whispers, as earnest as the first time and all the times after that.
He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but Yamamoto gets there first.
"Your move, Gokudera."
There's something different in Yamamoto's voice that makes Gokudera blink back the tears and makes the wild thumping of his heart become even more frantic. It's when he finally takes his attention to the board that he gets it—his King's completely cornered.
Yamamoto has him in complete and utter checkmate.
Well played, baseball idiot. Gokudera chokes on a laugh, furiously rubbing at the tears in his eyes and grimacing when he feels them leave hot trails down his cheeks despite his efforts. Large, warms hands cover his wrists and tug. He lets Yamamoto pull them away, because what else is there to do? And he still wants to punch the smile off of the idiot's face, but Gokudera feels a smile pull on his lips too and he thinks, okay, okay—
"I surrender.")
{la fin}
("And they lived happily ever after."
"Per Dio, shut the fuck up."
"Aw, you love me."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever.")
Translations:
Per Dio - My God
Just noticed that 'Dera didn't cuss much in here. Wow. That's a first.
Same drill, please leave a review because they keep me alive.