He is gone.
He has been gone for a while—four years, seven months, two weeks, and five days. Yes, I've kept count of every day, and I'm dreading every second ever since.
I have to say it's a wonder why I haven't ended this life yet when the source of my happiness has long disappeared and almost nothing ties me to this world.
Almost nothing.
Just a promise.
The only thing that kept me going—no, the only thing that keeps me going is a promise. A promise I've made with him.
To continue living.
And truth be told, I've kept that promise halfheartedly.
I still dream of him now and then, and I have nightmares of his death. I can see it clearly, with my eyes open or shut, because the memory is vivid among my thoughts.
I can't forget it.
I saw him lying on the ground, skin gone pale, shirt stained red with blood. His blood.
He winced, face contorted in pain as he struggled to breathe. I hurried to his side, my heart in panic. I knew I was about to lose him, and he knew it too. But I kept thinking he'd be fine, that he would somehow make it no matter how dire the predicament was.
I kept reassuring myself.
Because he wouldn't.
He was pragmatic, and I had never hated that fact until that moment. He knew that there wasn't enough time and that he was bleeding profusely. By the time help would arrive, it would be too late.
He wasn't one to give false hope.
It was a critical shot. The bullet was digging a whole inside him.
The bullet meant for me.
He was slipping away; only a few more minutes to spare. He took hold of my hand and locked gazes with me. For a moment, I was lost in his eyes.
Those pair of twin reds never failed to capture me.
He was reading my thoughts. I had always been an open book to him.
I would kill myself if he died.
His brows knitted together, pointing me with a glare. He frowned and mustered up a commanding voice.
"You can't."
Tears welled up in my eyes. I was going to retort back, "But"—he cut me off—"You will not!"
"You'll continue living. Even without me."
"Promise me."
The more he spoke, the more I cried. With the last bit of his strength, he squeezed my hand and urged me to reply.
"Promise me," he repeated.
I squeezed back, still silent. I didn't want to. I had always kept my promises, but I didn't want to keep that one. He took a shaky breath and spoke again.
"P-Please promise me, Yugi."
Those were his last words.
His voice had gone weak; it no longer held that demanding tone I had grown accustomed to. His grip on my hand was loosening, the light in his eyes was fading, and he was pleading.
My heart was wrenching. It was the first time he ever pleaded for anything, and it would also be the last. I couldn't bear the thought of a world without him, but I couldn't say no to him. Not before, and not then.
To deny him his last wish would have been too cruel.
And there was no more time to argue.
"I promise."
He smiled for the last time, and I watched him steal his last breath. His hand fell from mine as his body went limp. His eyes glazed over; I closed them with my trembling hand. I hugged his lifeless body close as I cried silently, relishing the fading warmth before it vanished completely.
It was over.
He was gone.
He died with a smile on his face and my name as his last word.
And took half of my heart with him.
Now I've been living incompletely for four years, seven months, two weeks, five days, and still counting. I haven't been truly happy for a long while, but I've managed to fool everyone else.
I make sure not to worry the few friends I've garnered; always acting the jovial fool they thought I were. And I've kept the act flawlessly. They've never seen the cracks in the mask I wore, and they never will.
Because they don't know me.
I don't let anyone close.
Only one person has breached my barriers.
And they are not him.
Besides, I'm not worth the trouble.
I'm a lost cause.
Even my parents knew this.
I was born a Sennen, the heir to the Sennen Company and son to two perfectionists. I was raised to be perfect but crumbled under the pressure. I wasn't fit to uphold the Sennen name, thus I was disowned and sent to live with a distant relative. Said relative accepted me begrudgingly.
My last name was changed to 'Mutou': No one in my family had this name. It could have been fabricated, but that was proven otherwise.
At thirteen, I met someone who bore a striking resemblance to me. He said his name was 'Yami Mutou.'
When I was sixteen, there was news about my former family: the introduction of the company heir to the public. It confused me, I knew I had been the sole heir, and, even if my mother had given birth to another child, my sibling would have been too young. But then again my parents didn't care about the age, only the mind.
Maybe they finally spawned the genius child they had always wanted.
But what happened was something entirely different.
Instead they replaced me with a stranger.
The majority was clueless, but I knew all too well that the current heir was a fraud. My replacement, Yami Sennen, was the former 'Yami Mutou.'
In a weird twist of fate, I somehow became friends with Yami Sennen.
He might have felt pity or guilt because he went out of his way just to get along with me. Unfortunately for him I was one to hold grudges, so it took some time, but things did work out well between us.
We became good friends. And for once, I actually felt happy.
He was my best friend—practically family. The only real family I got. He swore to always have my back, and he stood by that promise.
When I was kicked out, he forced me to live with him. He helped me make friends, he helped me out of serious trouble, and he even helped me find a job. The guy might as well had been my parent since he fussed over and nagged at me like one, often leaving me feeling like a twelve year-old child.
"At the most, I could pass off as your older brother. I'm not old enough to have a twelve year-old son."
"Do I look twelve to you?!"
"Yes. Now, hurry with dinner 'cause aniki is hungry."
Admittedly, there were times when he would strike a nerve or two, but I always let it pass. After all he had done for me, his bossy attitude had become tolerable (and oddly endearing).
It was nice to have someone who cared.
Before I knew it, my life became a cliché. You know, the whole 'falling in love with your best friend' bit. Added that we lived under the same roof, it was a brew for another romantic comedy series—except we were both guys, and my one-sided love would remain one-sided because Yami was straight and had a girlfriend. And I was fine with that.
Because he still cared.
That was good enough for me.
As long as he was happy, everything would be okay.
That's what I thought to myself, and I meant it.
I really thought I meant it.
I barely got to see him anymore since he spent most of his days working and the scant free time he had was spent with his girlfriend. I knew it was wrong for me to be jealous, but I just couldn't help it. It felt like someone was stealing something important from me.
The Sennen Company was stealing him from me...
Tea Gardner was stealing him from me...
And if they stole Yami, I wouldn't have anything left! Yami was my everything. He was all I had: my only family. He was the first person to see worth in me. Without him, I would be worthless.
I became paranoid.
I grew afraid that he would forget about me entirely. That he would marry that girl soon and leave me. That he wouldn't care anymore.
He wouldn't be my family anymore.
At that moment I became restless. I lost my appetite, barely eating anything in a day; sleep eluded me the same way. The uneasy feeling kept me awake pass my growling stomach and tired bones. And the louder my body complained, the greater it escalated. It would only fade when he was there, so I opted to wait for him every night.
He often came home at nine when he was straight from work and eleven when he was on a date. Though there were a couple of times when he arrived at dawn, and he was surprised to see me still wide awake and eager to welcome him home.
And there were times when I had to go to work without a wink of sleep.
Once, he jokingly compared me to a dog faithfully waiting for its owner. Then he would give me that stern look and scold me for staying up too late. He was bewildered when I countered his scolding with a grin.
I had worried him. It seemed like the bags under my eyes were becoming much more apparent, and I was getting thinner too. He said I looked like a malnourished panda, and I just laughed. I was happy to get even just a bit of his attention.
After that, he started coming home early. His dinner dates became less frequent, so he resumed eating dinner with me as well. I didn't know his reason, but I guessed I just got lucky. From then on, there was no more restlessness.
Months later, I got caught up in a dangerous situation, with me standing at gunpoint. Apparently, someone loathed my parents. He was a former CEO of a company the family brought down. He wanted to smite the Sennens by disposing of the true family heir.
He had done some investigating, discovering that Yami was adopted and that I was the legitimate son of the current head. He assumed I was hidden for safety precautions, and, by killing me, he would ruin the Sennens' plans. Oh, how wrong he was!
But it was hopeless. I tried to reason with the man, but he wouldn't heed my words. Revenge blinded him.
It wasn't fair. Why should I get killed because of my parents? They abandoned me when I was young, and I haven't seen hide nor hair of theirs since. I didn't even bear their name!
They had replaced me with a look-alike.
As I stared at the barrel of the gun, I had one positive thought.
Better me than Yami.
He pulled the trigger.
I was supposed to die.
But the bullet never came.
I wasn't happy to see Yami.
Now, I don't want anyone else to worry for me.
I don't want anyone else taking the bullet for me.
I think I might be losing my mind. It's probably stress.
Lately, I find myself hallucinating again. That's right, I do mean 'again.' The first time was during the first month after his death. For the whole month or so, I saw hallucinations of him. I saw him in places he used to go, doing the things he used to do.
There were even times when I had completely believed that it was real. That he was actually there—that he never left. But then I realized I was in denial because I knew he was gone. He had gone somewhere very far away and was never coming back. Once I stopped being in denial, the hallucinations ceased as well.
Though there were still those times, when I'm either half awake or dead tired, I would hallucinate again. But I didn't just see him, I could hear him as well. He would even start a conversation with me, and I would remember how much I missed him, then I would start talking back.
I remember him comforting me.
Oddly enough, I remember him telling me to move on.
But this time he's much too real.
I know it can't be. This is ridiculous! I know he is dead, and I am no longer in denial.
Why do I still see him?
I now live in a different apartment, in a different city.
Yet, why do I see him daily?
In places he didn't used to be, doing things he didn't used to do, and dressed in clothes he never owned. And he can even be seen by other people! What's happening?!
He is gone. I listened when he said his last words and watched when he took his last breath.
If so, why is there another him, standing there, speaking, breathing.
He looks my way.
He is walking towards me.
He is gone.
He has been gone for four years, seven months, two weeks, five days, 9 hours, 15 seconds, and still counting. He has been gone for a long while! What I see now is a hallucination. My mind is just playing tricks on me. Maybe I'm tired? That must be it! I'll close my eyes, and when I open them, he'll be gone.
Why is he still there?
He stops in front of me, tilting his head.
I just stare.
Those pair of twin reds never failed to capture me.
He is gone.
He is gone.
He is gone.
He is g—
My mantra is cut off as he waves his hand in front of my face, "Hello?" he says. I snap out of my thoughts. I stare at him in wonder.
He extends his hands to me and speaks again, "Um... Mutou-san? I'm Atem Millenia. I'll be your co-worker from now on."
Oh, fate, how cruel could you get?