Jaylynn's Lost Dog

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Jaylynn becomes attached to a stray puppy that she finds one day in a dark alley. Meanwhile, RK tries to help Buster after he is accused of stealing from the local corner store.

1. Jaylynn's Lost Dog Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 4

Airdate: October 15, 2017

"Jaylynn's Lost Dog"

#TYH604

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

On a noticeably rainy day, the kids are all leaving school and most of them look happy. Jaylynn, on the other hand, looks noticeably depressed and sighs.

JAYLYNN: I hate Wednesdays.

Jaylynn runs to her car without an umbrella and quickly opens it. She then starts the car and drives off.

SCENE 2

The Smiling Taco

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

A bored Jaylynn is eating chili cheese fries by herself when she tries to squirt some ketchup on them. However, she ends up getting some on her shirt.

JAYLYNN: Dammit.

Jaylynn groans and takes out a hoodie from her backpack that she puts on to cover the ketchup stain. Cut to her leaving the restaurant about to head to her car with her hood up, but she then hears bizarre moaning.

JAYLYNN: What the hell?

Jaylynn walks across the street and she begins to hear louder moaning. She tries following the sound and it leads her to an alleyway. She walks down the alley and squints her eyes thinking she sees something.

JAYLYNN: This is weird. If this is a trap, I'm pulling out my Swiss army knife.

Jaylynn walks further down the alley to get a better look and sees a whimpering puppy hidden behind a garbage can with a newspaper in its mouth. Her eyes immediately light up with excitement.

JAYLYNN: Oh my God!

Jaylynn runs to the puppy, takes out the newspaper and picks it up.

JAYLYNN: You're so cute. What kind of weirdo left you out here?

The puppy does nothing but stare at Jaylynn, but then it ends up licking her face.

JAYLYNN: Okay, that's just too adorable. I'm taking you home and I'm going to take good care of you. Not like my old gerbil that I convinced myself into thinking ran away.

SCENE 3

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn has invited the guys over to check out her new puppy.

JAYLYNN: Guys, you might think I'm lying, but this is one of the greatest days of my life.

WADE: You interrupted me coming up with a theme song for the periodic table for this?

SPARKY: Where did you even find this puppy?

JAYLYNN: Chewing on a rolled up newspaper in a dark alley.

SPARKY: Does this puppy have any tags?

JAYLYNN: None that I know of. Probably doesn't even know her owners.

SPARKY: So you're sure that this puppy doesn't belong to anyone?

JAYLYNN: Damn, are we having a conversation or are you just trying to be like Trevor Noah?

SPARKY: Jaylynn, I'm just making sure you don't get into any trouble. Plenty of people find lost pets and once they return them, they get treated like crap just for doing the right thing.

BUSTER: Sparky's right. I once read about this guy that found a snapping turtle at a Quiznos and they got real close. But once he brought the turtle back to the owner, the owner trained the turtle to bite the guy's ear off.

WADE: Let me guess. You read that from The National Enquirer?

BUSTER: I said I read it. Did it happen? We'll probably never find out.

JAYLYNN: Look, guys, I appreciate the concern, but if the owners were responsible enough, they wouldn't let this little girl get away. I'm making her my new friend.

SPARKY: I really don't think you should do that.

JAYLYNN: Why not?

SPARKY: Hmm, I don't know. Maybe because SHE'S NOT YOURS?!

JAYLYNN: She's a stray. She was a victim of the streets and I saved her. You weren't there at the Tex Mex place. You should have seen how awone and scawed she was. Weren't you, little girl?

RK: Could you stop talking like that?

JAYLYNN: Why? This doggie is a little cutie wootie patootie.

RK: Okay, I'm five seconds away from throwing up in my mouth.

JAYLYNN: Shut up. For years, I've had to hear lame stories from you guys about your stupid cats and now you're telling me I can't keep the pet I always wanted? You need to be inhaling something.

WADE: Jaylynn, we all can see you're in love with the puppy already, but you don't even know where she came from. At least put up some fliers of her so whoever lost her knows she's safe.

BUSTER: And if the owners don't wanna play ball, just say the word and we'll cut off one of the puppy's ears to scare them.

JAYLYNN: You try cutting this puppy, I'll make sure you never walk again.

BUSTER: I'm just saying, keep it in your back pocket. You'll thank me later.

SCENE 4

Lucky Star Deli and Grocery

Seattle, Washington

Buster and RK walk into the corner store the next day. Buster noticeably has a shopping bag with him.

RK: I still don't get why you didn't just leave the groceries in your car.

BUSTER: I learned from my mom years ago that if you don't want someone to steal from you, you carry it with you. That's why no one's ever snatched up my Fruit by the Foot.

RK: Your Fruit by the Foot is old, hair-infested, and ratty.

BUSTER: Yeah, and that's why no one's ever been able to take it. I'm going to get some drinks.

RK: Alright, I'm going to get a candy bar.

Buster goes to the refrigerator where the drinks are and begins looking at his options. One of the employees behind the desk keeps looking at Buster due to the bag in his hand. Buster takes out a can of Mountain Dew and sets it down, leading to the employee jumping the desk and walking over to Buster. He then grabs Buster's bag and begins checking it.

JACK: Did you steal something?

BUSTER: What? No, you silly, I don't steal. I would never be able to handle jail.

JACK: Uh huh.

RK looks bothered as Jack walks back over to the desk. He then takes out his phone and decides to leave the corner store. At that point, Buster gets a text from RK saying, "I'll wait for you outside."

BUSTER: Hmmm. Guess he already paid.

Cut to RK watching Buster paying for his drinks and shaking his head. Buster then leaves the store and faces RK.

BUSTER: What happened, man? You weren't hungry anymore?

RK: No, I was pissed. I can't believe that bastard did that to you.

BUSTER: Hey, Jack's not a bastard. He's like a second father. I even had a dream that he adopted me once, but when I woke up, I realized how stupid that was.

RK: So you're not the least bit upset that this guy accused you of stealing?

BUSTER: Of course not. Obviously, he thought I put something in my bag and he made a mistake. We all do it.

RK: Dude, you can't just take that shit. He disrespected you in public. You need to fight back.

BUSTER: RK, please. I've known Jack since I was tiny Buster. He would never accuse me of something if he didn't think in his heart I did it.

Buster walks away from RK, who throws up his hands and shakes his head again.

RK: This boy's going to make me spit in my own mouth.

SCENE 5

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

The next day, the guys are all eating lunch together.

RK: And then that punk stuck his Black and Mild-smelling hands in Buster's bag, thinking he stole the drinks. And then Buster pays for the drinks he was accused of stealing!

BUSTER: Is that your new favorite story to tell or something?

RK: I'm just saying, that was terrible. Dude, if I were you, I would never step foot in that store again. And if I did, it would be to drive my foot in the back of Jack's neck until he loses consciousness.

SPARKY: I can't believe you went through that, Buster.

WADE: The fact that you paid for anything is what I can't believe.

RK: I said the same thing. It's like getting kicked in the nuts and begging to get pissed on.

BUSTER: Look, what's done is done. We can't do anything about it. If I could regurgitate the drinks, put them back in the bottles, and return them, I would. But that's just gross.

JAYLYNN: How come you guys are in such a bad mood anyway? You know what you need to make things better? A pet.

SPARKY: Three of us already have pets.

JAYLYNN: Well, you should spend more time with them. Buster got harassed at a store when he could have been taking care of his cat.

BUSTER: Great. My life is now the last six years of Rebecca Black's life.

SPARKY: Did you start making those found dog posters?

JAYLYNN: Eh, I'll get to that. But in the meantime, I'm doing all I can to make Jaylynn II happy. Playing with her, walking her, rubbing her cute little belly until she starts licking me all over.

RK: You...you named the puppy after yourself?

JAYLYNN: What's wrong with that? She's mine, after all.

SPARKY: No, she's not. You're just holding her until the owners come calling to get her back. Whatever you do, you can't get attached.

JAYLYNN: Ugh. You're right, man. I'll try keeping it casual.

BUSTER: Hey Wade, how come you've never had a pet?

WADE: It's not like I didn't try. But after that one time, I swore off pets for good.

Cut to a flashback of Wade doing homework with his pet parrot in a birdcage.

WADE: Alright, now if you solve for x, carry the two...

MILES: Squawk! Solve for x and carry the two!

WADE: Miles, will you be quiet, please? Anyway, you...

MILES: Squawk! Miles, will you be quiet, please? Anyway, you...

WADE: I mean it, Miles, I'm doing homework! I have to concentrate!

MILES: Squawk! Miles, I'm doing homework! I have to concentrate!

WADE: THAT'S IT! Miles Coltrane Saltalamacchia, you're either going to be a good bird and shut the hell up, or you're going to force me to do something you know I don't want to do! Do I make myself clear?!

Beat.

MILES: Squawk! Shut the hell up! Force me to do something I don't want to! Squawk!

The camera does a close-up of an enraged Wade. Cut to the present day.

SPARKY: Why did you even buy a parrot?

WADE: You know, I only started questioning that after I strangled it.

SCENE 6

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn comes in the house after school and immediately greets Jaylynn II.

JAYLYNN: Hey girl. Who's the cutest puppy in the whole wide world? You are! That's right, sweetie, you are! I feel so happy when I'm around you, like nothing else matters. You know what I did? Jaylynn pulls out a book from her bag. I checked out this book from the library. It's called Dog Training and You. I'm going to read this and make sure I'm the best owner ever. Okay, here we go. The introduction. Oh my God, it's starting! "So you decided to bond with a canine, huh? This book will teach you everything you need to know to become a responsible dog owner. Hopefully, it's not too ruff for you to handle."

Jaylynn sighs, immediately closes the book and walks out of the house. Cut to her at the front desk of the library.

JAYLYNN: I'd like to return this book, please.

LIBRARIAN: Didn't I see you checking this out? It's not due for two weeks.

JAYLYNN: I really don't care, I never want to see this book again.

SCENE 7

The Hernandez Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn takes out a red bowl from the cabinet, labels it "Jaylynn II" with a Sharpie, and then sets it down near Jaylynn II. She then fills up the bowl with dog food.

JAYLYNN: I'm not sure if you like dry food or wet food, so I just got whatever shit I found at the store. Hopefully, it doesn't kill you.

Jaylynn II looks at Jaylynn, then begins eating the food.

JAYLYNN: You're so cute when you chew.

Jaylynn gets a phone call at that point and checks to see who it is.

JAYLYNN: Dammit, Sparky. Jaylynn picks up. It's Skylar.

SPARKY: Since when do you refer to yourself by your middle name?

JAYLYNN: I'm just trying it out. What's up?

SPARKY: Well, I wanted to know if you started making the posters yet.

JAYLYNN: No, I haven't started making them yet. Yes, I'm working on them. No, I'm not lying to you. No, I'm not just trying to get out of this conversation.

SPARKY: Could you stop talking like that?

JAYLYNN: I'm just trying to make sure I heard you clear enough. Don't you have a date with Halley or something? Leave me alone.

Jaylynn hangs up. Cut back to Sparky holding up his phone in disbelief.

SPARKY: What an ass.

Bitch Clock walks in from the kitchen.

BITCH CLOCK: What's going on?

SPARKY: Well, Jaylynn found a puppy in a dark alley and she was supposed to start making posters saying that the puppy's lost so the owners can find her. She said she did, but it's like she didn't at the same time.

BITCH CLOCK: Oh, she was lying 100%. She hasn't made those posters yet.

SPARKY: What? How do you know?

BITCH CLOCK: Look, as far as I know...wait, are we talking about the little Muslim girl? The one I heard call me a drunken creep?

SPARKY: No, man, this is Jaylynn. The redhead.

BITCH CLOCK: Right, right, I'm still trying to remember names. Anyway, I don't know Jaylynn like that, but I've heard RK talk about her wanting a dog before. Now that she has one, she's not giving it up. Besides, Jaylynn's dirty. Even if this puppy was in a dumpster, she would take it home.

SPARKY: But it's just not right. I want Jaylynn to be happy, but there's probably some other kid out there crying themselves to sleep because the puppy they got for their birthday is in her hands.

BITCH CLOCK: My advice is just to stay out of it. If you keep pushing, you'll just bring her closer to the puppy and she might even start lashing out at you.

SPARKY: I can't just stay out of it. I'm Sparky. It's my job to regulate things like this.

BITCH CLOCK: Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. You know how many times my friends were doing dumb shit and I had to stay out of it? Some of them died, but it's not like I'm at fault for that.

SPARKY: So I'm just supposed to sit on the sidelines while my friend is parading around a stray dog like she owns it?

BITCH CLOCK: Pretty much. If I know, um...the redhead one, she'll get sick of the responsibility and want to find the owners herself. Just give it time.

SPARKY: I really hope you're right.

BITCH CLOCK: I know I'm right. By the way, next time you see Anja's sister, tell her I'm kicking her in the nuts if I hear about her talking reckless again.

SPARKY: Are you sure you didn't just get drunk one night and dream that she said something about you?

BITCH CLOCK: What makes you say that?

SPARKY: Because the exact same thing happened after you watched Obama's farewell speech.

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is watching TV when Buster walks in.

BUSTER: RK, where's KG? Is he already at the hospital?

RK: No, he's not at the hospital, he's hanging out with his friends. I lied to get you to come here.

BUSTER: Why would you lie about your brother falling down the stairs and cracking his skull?

RK: That's not the text I sent you.

BUSTER: Yeah, it is. You wrote in all caps, "BUSTER, HELP. HELP. KG FELL DOWN THE STAIRS AND NOW HIS BLOOD AND GUTS ARE OOZING FROM HIS BRAIN."

RK: Oh. You know, I'm starting to think my language is too colorful.

BUSTER: Uh huh. Look, if you're through tricking me, I have to go back home. There's a new McDonald's commercial that airs every 20 minutes. I always miss it, but today's the day I finally catch it in the flesh.

RK: Oh no, you don't. I didn't manipulate you into coming here because I'm a sociopath.

BUSTER: I know. Because you're probably a huge sociopath. I still like you.

RK: Look, man, we have to talk about what happened at the corner store. Jack harassed you, and the fact that you're letting him get away with it makes me sick.

BUSTER: RK, he searched my bag, not molest me. You're being dramatic.

RK: Dramatic? No, dramatic is what Degrassi used to be before it all turned to shit after season 12. This is me being real with you. I know you're scared of standing up for yourself sometimes. But you don't have to be. You have a backbone, we just need to find it.

BUSTER: Forget it. I already have a backbone and if you continue pushing me, I'll do to you what I thought you did to KG!

RK: Ah, threats of violence. I like it. Now all we need to do is go to the corner store and confront Jack with that same attitude.

BUSTER: RK, you have to understand something about me. I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I'm not a puppet either. Elmo's a puppet, Kermit the Frog's a puppet. But I'm not, so you can't just pull my little puppet strings and have me dance around.

RK: What in the hell are you trying to say?

BUSTER: I'm saying to leave this and to leave Jack alone. I'm going home to catch that commercial in the act.

Buster begins walking away from RK.

RK: Come on, man, you can't go. We can find a way to stick it to Jack. Write a petition. Call the local news to do a piece on you. Start a boycott!

Buster closes the door without saying anything else.

RK: This country has gotten so soft since the Republicans took it over.

SCENE 9

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Locker Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn is at her locker when Halley walks up.

HALLEY: Hey Jaylynn, I heard about that puppy you found.

JAYLYNN: No, you didn't. What puppy? You're making stuff up and that's just offensive.

HALLEY: Relax, Sparky told me about it. I don't see the big deal. If you don't find the owners, you can always keep it.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but Sparky's going to be on me like a hawk if I don't start getting these posters out. All I have is this. This is what artists like to call...a preliminary sketch.

Jaylynn shows Halley a sample poster, showing a crude drawing of Jaylynn II and the words "Found Doggie" above the drawing in big red upper-case lettering.

HALLEY: Jaylynn, I don't...what, how does this help anyone find the puppy?

JAYLYNN: Halley, what part of "preliminary sketch" do you not understand?

HALLEY: Look, whatever that is, it's not going to help you out. I can help you make more posters. Whenever I lost my old turtle, I had to make all sorts of colorful signs.

JAYLYNN: You used to have a turtle?

HALLEY: Yeah, but I had to sell him to the pet store. He just wasn't safe enough in my house.

JAYLYNN: You're an irresponsible pet owner? I can't work with you. People talk.

HALLEY: Are you serious right now? You can either let me help you, or you'll be forced to give up the puppy by someone calling from the animal shelter.

JAYLYNN: Please. It's not like anyone would file the report.

HALLEY: I'll file the report, dummy. That's right, I'm petty like that sometimes.

JAYLYNN: Ugh, fine. I guess I'm making a deal with the devil.

HALLEY: Ah, it won't be that bad.

Jaylynn begins smelling something.

JAYLYNN: Why do you smell like almonds?

HALLEY: Because my conditioner is almond scented.

JAYLYNN: I hate almonds. Don't wear that if you're coming to my house.

SCENE 10

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Halley is on her phone while Jaylynn comes back from walking Jaylynn II.

JAYLYNN: Well, that was one hell of a walk. You know what the best part about your dog doing its business is?

HALLEY: The smell of pure animal shit?

JAYLYNN: No. The fact that you can clean it up afterwards and say, "That's my dog's shit. She did that."

HALLEY: You're not built right in the head. When did you even get the chance to buy that leash?

JAYLYNN: Oh, I've always had this. I bought it just in case I had a dog one day.

Beat.

JAYLYNN: Don't judge me. So did you actually try doing some work or are you just here to laugh at lame-ass texts?

HALLEY: Before you start coming at my head like that, why don't you see this?

JAYLYNN: Halley, I've already seen the video of the guy selling marijuana and the other guy not knowing what a strain is.

HALLEY: Not that. This.

Jaylynn takes a look at Halley's phone and sees the new, improved poster, that says "Found" on top with Jaylynn's email, phone number, and address on the bottom.

JAYLYNN: Wow. This looks really professional. How did you do that?

HALLEY: I just used the Google Drive app.

JAYLYNN: Really? How does that even work?

HALLEY: Well, all you do is...

Cut to black.

VOICEOVER: Two minutes of pointless exposition later...

Cut back to Jaylynn and Halley.

HALLEY: And that's it.

JAYLYNN: Hmm. I should use this. Wait a minute, why is all my personal information on here? I don't want everyone knowing my business out in these parts.

HALLEY: How do you expect the owners to reach you? A telegram? The Pony Express? This is what everyone does when they find a lost pet.

JAYLYNN: Alright, I'll trust you but this better work. When do we start printing copies?

HALLEY: Just as soon as we get a clear picture of Jaylynn II.

JAYLYNN: I can get that done.

Anja walks in at that point.

ANJA: Hey Jaylynn, how's your puppy doing?

JAYLYNN: She's great since it's been less than a week that I've had her.

ANJA: Hey, watch your mouth. Oh. Halley's here.

HALLEY: I'm not allowed to be here?

ANJA: No, I didn't say that, but I'm just...shocked.

JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. Are you guys still not talking?

HALLEY: We're just keeping our distance.

JAYLYNN: You have to be kidding me. The chili cook off was months ago, you two have to settle this.

ANJA: Do we have to?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, or to take a quote from you, I'll smack the fudge out of you and her. Now make up.

Anja sighs and walks up to Halley.

ANJA: Listen, I'm sorry for getting all, jealous over the thing. It was stupid.

HALLEY: Yeah, we shouldn't be fighting because of what happened.

ANJA: I like you, and it would be best for the both of us if we stop doing whatever it is we've been doing.

HALLEY: We owe it to Jaylynn to do that thing.

ANJA: Yup.

Beat. Anja then extends her arms slowly and Halley leans in to hug her.

JAYLYNN: This has been a good day.

SCENE 11

("It Was a Good Day" by Ice Cube plays in the background)

A montage is shown of Jaylynn enjoying her time with the dog, like going out and shopping for clothes to dress it in the same way she dresses. They also visit the dog park, where Jaylynn II is cornered by bigger dogs and Jaylynn manages to distract them with bacon strips. Meanwhile, she and Halley begin putting up found signs of Jaylynn II all over town. Another scene comes when Jaylynn II and Jaylynn run towards each other in a field full of beautiful flowers. Jaylynn II jumps in Jaylynn's arms and Jaylynn begins jumping for joy. The scene then abruptly stops when an old man with no shoes and a balding head chases them away.

OLD MAN: NOW, GET! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY FLOWER PATCH! I MADE THIS PATCH WITH MY OWN HANDS! THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!

SCENE 12

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, Jaylynn is watching TV with Jaylynn II.

JAYLYNN: You like Underdog, right? I thought this would be great to watch. You know, as a family.

Jaylynn II looks at the TV, then at Jaylynn with disapproval.

JAYLYNN: Unless you like the original cartoon? Damn, how come I'm the only person I know that likes this movie?

At that point, Jaylynn gets a phone call from an unfamiliar number.

JAYLYNN: Great, this might be one of those Nigerian scammers. Well, it's not like I have much to lose. Jaylynn answers the phone. Yeah, I can hear you just fine. Just know that as soon as you hang up, I'm reporting you to the police.

CHARLOTTE: Yes, um, are you the girl that has Sweetie Puss?

JAYLYNN: Sweetie Puss? What the...

Jaylynn gasps, briefly looks at the camera, then goes back to the phone call.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, yes, I believe I'm the one that found Sweetie Puss.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, thank God. Me and my husband have been looking for her night and day. We've barely even slept. As soon as I saw your flier, I had to call you right there.

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, lady, but I don't think you can get Sweetie Puss from here.

CHARLOTTE: Why not?

JAYLYNN: Because she's gone.

CHARLOTTE: She's gone?! But you have her! The number, the address! How could she be gone?!

JAYLYNN: Okay, you see, what had happened was Sweetie Puss was just chilling in the kitchen when she saw a squirrel outside...on the windowsill. And then she just did some wicked suicide dive shit and started chasing the squirrel. I wondered where she went, but I was like, "You know what? She's a dog. She'll find her way back."

CHARLOTTE: Oh my God, this is terrible!

JAYLYNN: Look, she's not dead...probably. But if I were you, I would sit down on your couch, listen to some Nirvana or Alice in Chains, drink some iced tea, and just relax. I'm the one that found her, I'm the one that made the posters, and if I hear anything, I'll be the first one to let you know.

CHARLOTTE: Okay. Okay, I think I can pull it together. Thank you for your help and sorry to bother you this evening.

JAYLYNN: Oh, it's okay. Strangers hit up my cell phone all the time. Remember what I said about Nirvana. Okay, bye.

Jaylynn hangs up.

JAYLYNN: I'm not going to let her take back Jaylynn II. I'm gonna take care of this.

"Let It Roll" plays in the background as the camera catches Jaylynn's devious expression.

SCENE 13

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Anja is reading that night when she hears the doorbell ring.

ANJA: Who's here this late?

Anja walks up to the door, looks through the peephole, sighs, and opens the door.

ANJA: Of course, it would be you.

JAYLYNN: Anja, I need you to keep Jaylynn II here.

ANJA: Why? What's the problem?

JAYLYNN: Her owners called me...on my phone, man. I'm not giving her back to them, so I need to throw them off the scent and leave Jaylynn II here.

ANJA: What?

JAYLYNN: I know, right? And tomorrow, I was going to have her try out cat food. I just wanted to laugh at how it looked like.

ANJA: No, not that. You're being selfish, Jaylynn. You can't keep this puppy now that you know who the owners are.

JAYLYNN: Ugh, you sound just like Sparky. Look, it's only for the night. Then I'll have her move somewhere else. At this point, it's too dangerous to have her at my place.

ANJA: I'd say it's pretty doggone dangerous to have her at my place too. I'm not getting sucked into this nonsense.

JAYLYNN: Remember the apple.

ANJA: What?!

JAYLYNN: Remember the apple, Anj. Two weeks ago, I bought you the best green apple in the whole damn world. You loved that apple. You had weird dreams at night about that apple. So now, you're going to help me or else I'll make sure you never get that experience again.

Beat.

ANJA: Okay.

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The guys are at their lockers the next morning.

BUSTER: I think the Seahawks have a good chance this year. But I'm worried someone else might steal the division from them.

SPARKY: Well, it's not like the 49ers are going to get hot any time soon. We're going to win another Super Bowl, we just need the right amount of luck.

BUSTER: I don't think so. Until Tom Brady retires or dies, that championship isn't going anywhere else. Hey, you want to go to the corner store later and buy the crossword puzzle?

SPARKY: Why would I wanna do that?

BUSTER: So you can feel like you actually accomplished something?

Beat.

SPARKY: Alright, why not?

RK: Wait a minute. Are you guys going to the Lucky Star? You know, the grocery store slash delicatessen that's just up the street from here?

BUSTER: Why did you say it like that? Of course we're going to go there, what's the problem?

RK: Oh, nothing. Just...make sure you two put on some sweaters. It's chilly outside.

SPARKY: Yeah, sure. Come on, Buster, let's get to class.

Sparky and Buster walk away while RK sighs in exasperation.

WADE: Is something bothering you, RK?

RK: No. I'm always concerned about the weather. See, a lot of people think Seattle is just 70 degrees and rainy all the time but it's so much more than that.

WADE: This is about Buster, isn't it?

RK: For God's sake, why can't he just listen to me and not go to that corner store? The place where it all happened. The place where he found out how evil the human being can really be.

WADE: You're acting like he got stabbed there for bus change. Look, I don't like what happened either, but Buster's not the kind of person to lose his mind over things like this. His social ignorance is what gives him his zest.

RK: Well, it's not going to happen again. I'm gonna make sure of it.

WADE: You're not going to shoot anyone, are you?

RK: Why do you always assume I'm going to shoot someone?

WADE: Because I need to keep an eye on you. That's what friends do.

RK: And I really appreciate that, but here's the thing: If I have an idea, I have to use it. Creative genius doesn't just come back.

WADE: Exactly what creative genius are we alluding to here?

SCENE 15

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

At lunch, Jaylynn is looking at pictures of her and Jaylynn II on her phone with visible disappointment.

JAYLYNN: Don't worry, cutie. You'll be safe at auntie Anja's. I'm coming for you after school, you'll see.

RK: Jaylynn, you've been talking to your phone all day. Could you please shut up and eat your meal?

JAYLYNN: Why don't I just kick your ass so bad, you'll have to use a straw for your meals?

RK: Please, you want one more round with me? You'll be dog meat.

JAYLYNN: Oh. Okay. I didn't expect you would hit below the belt, but fine.

RK: What are you talking about?

JAYLYNN: No, it's nothing, it's just, um...wacky Seattle shit in the air.

BUSTER: So Jaylynn, how's your new puppy doing?

*with squeaky voice, close to tears* JAYLYNN: She's fine.

SPARKY: Did you hear from the owners yet?

JAYLYNN: The owners? What owners? Why are you making stuff up?

SPARKY: The owners, buddy. The ones who have ownership of the puppy you found?

JAYLYNN: Ownership. You know, that's one hell of a word. Why don't I just look that up real quick on my phone here? Jaylynn continuously looks back at Sparky as she tries getting the definition on her phone. And here it is, ownership. "The act, state, or right of possessing something."

SPARKY: I don't need a definition, Jaylynn. I just wanted to know if you've heard from the owners yet.

RK: You guys do realize she's hiding something, right?

JAYLYNN: You think Anja's hiding something? She's my best friend, why would she be hiding something? You know what? You guys have my lunch. Every man for himself.

Jaylynn immediately runs out of the lunchroom.

BUSTER: The pudding's mine, so don't get any funny iddas.

Cut to Jaylynn walking inside the empty girls' bathroom with her phone in her ear.

JAYLYNN: Come on, pick up, pick up.

ANJA: Hello?

JAYLYNN: Where is she? What did you do to her? Are there any bruises? Anja, I'm telling you, if you beat her...

ANJA: Whoa, calm down, take a breather. Are you talking about Jaylynn II?

JAYLYNN: No, I'm talking about McGruff the Crime Dog. YES, I'M TALKING ABOUT JAYLYNN II! Is she okay?

ANJA: Will you watch your tone? I'm at school, you know. And she's fine, she's just at my place like you wanted.

JAYLYNN: She's alone in a strange house? How could you leave her there?

ANJA: Because I'm pretty sure she wouldn't fit in my purse. Look, if this is bothering you so much, just take her back after school.

JAYLYNN: I can't, the owners are going to snag her any day now. They're catching on as we speak. Don't worry, I'll move her to Halley's place. She'll do fine there. Yeah, yeah, she'll do really fine. Like, Margot Robbie fine.

ANJA: I think you need to stop hanging out so much with RK.

SCENE 16

Lucky Star Deli and Grocery

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

That afternoon, RK is marching around in a circle with a sign that says "Boycott Lucky's, Free Buster." Everyone is looking at RK with confusion while they walk past him.

RK: Did you guys know that this place is called the Lucky Star, but very few people actually win the lottery when they buy tickets here? It's misleading bullshit and it's time for this place to start being honest to its customers!

Wade walks up to RK at that point.

WADE: If I ask you exactly what you're doing, will I be less pissed off?

RK: Look, the world may have forgotten what it means to stand for something, but I didn't. I'm going to boycott this store and I'm not stopping until Jack no longer has a job here.

WADE: But what does that have to do with Buster?

RK: Peep the sign. I'm freeing our friend Buster from a life of harassment and bullying and leading his mind into a higher form of enlightenment. He'll thank me later.

WADE: I think I have an idea that will really help your protest.

RK: Oh yeah, what's that?

WADE: Ending it. Ending all of this forever, this is a bad plan and you're a bad, bad boy for going through with it.

RK: Wade, I'm only doing this for Buster. I can't let that old man get away with what he did. And if the boy can't stand up for himself, then I will.

WADE: But it's all for nothing. Do you really see a point in teaching a lesson that Buster's not even interested in learning?

RK: Eh, I guess not. But why doesn't he care? How come he let himself get treated like a dirty food stamp?

WADE: Because he's Buster. And there's nothing wrong with that.

RK: Alright, Wade. Five minutes in and the protest is already over. America is so backwards this year.

Sparky and Buster walk up to the boys.

SPARKY: Hey guys. RK, what's with the picket sign? Are you going on strike again?

RK: Oh no, this was just part of my art project. I was studying the history of social activists.

BUSTER: What did he just say?

SPARKY: Eh, it makes sense to him. Let's go get those crossword puzzles.

Sparky and Buster walk into the corner store. Beat.

WADE: When did you have time to make that sign?

RK: I made it in art class. Mrs. Smith actually gave me extra credit points.

WADE: She did? She never gave me extra credit.

RK: Is it because you're not cute enough?

Wade stares at RK angrily. Cut to Sparky and Buster inside the store.

BUSTER: Hey, do you have last Thursday's science notes? I'm behind.

SPARKY: Eh, I don't know. Let me check.

Sparky looks at a box of Lemon Heads, sets it down, then digs in his backpack. Jack does the same thing as before by jumping over the counter and taking Sparky's bag away from him.

SPARKY: Hey, what's the matter with you?

JACK: Did you steal something?

SPARKY: No, I didn't!

BUSTER: Jack, what's your problem? You know Sparky would never steal anything!

JACK: I saw him put the box down like...

BUSTER: No, you didn't. You didn't see him do anything wrong. You can't just go around accusing people of things they didn't do. I know you have a store to run, but I'm not going to let you treat my best friend like a criminal!

Jack sighs.

JACK: You know what? I'm sorry, I guess I, uh...jumped the gun here. You kids are great customers and I should be more respectful.

BUSTER: Well, if you really mean it.

Cut back to RK and Wade.

WADE: My mom loves looking at pictures of me when I was little and in the tub!

RK: I don't like what that suggests at all.

Sparky and Buster walk out of the corner store.

SPARKY: Guys, you should have been in there. Buster just checked Jack.

RK: He did what?

BUSTER: Yeah, Jack accused Sparky of stealing and I wasn't about to let him get away with it so I guess I just...I don't know, went into another gear.

RK: So you did.

SPARKY: Yeah, it was great. He really showed Jack after the first time he did it.

Sparky and Buster walk away from the guys.

RK: So Buster really does have a backbone.

WADE: And you were worried about him.

RK: I guess as long as he's friends with Sparky, I don't have to be.

Beat.

WADE: So I guess after all this, you're going to start going to a new corner store?

RK: Dude, that's too much work. Besides, I can't give up on the Lucky Star.

Wade sighs in disappointment.

SCENE 17

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Anja opens the door and Jaylynn storms in, looking confused.

JAYLYNN: Where is she?! WHERE IS SHE?!

ANJA: Jaylynn, she's literally right in front of you.

Jaylynn looks down and sees that Jaylynn II is in front of her.

JAYLYNN: My baby! Oh, Jaylynn II, I can't believe I left you here all night. You must have been scared to death. But don't worry, I'm going to put you some place better. Some place nicer. Some place where no one can hurt you.

SCENE 18

The Vidal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn sets down Jaylynn II on the floor while Halley watches.

JAYLYNN: Okay, this seems like the best place for a puppy.

HALLEY: So let me get this straight. You originally said I was an irresponsible pet owner, but now because you have no other options, you decide to come to me?

JAYLYNN: Halley, sweetie, who do I normally go to when I'm out of options?

HALLEY: You go to Anja.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but after that.

HALLEY: Sparky?

JAYLYNN: No, no, no, after him.

Halley sighs.

HALLEY: You come to me.

JAYLYNN: Exactly. Halley, you and I have gotten real tight this year. You're my third best friend. So I need you to come through for me like my best friend. Elevate your game a little bit.

HALLEY: I still don't know why Jaylynn II can't stay at your house.

JAYLYNN: No reason. Probably because the owners called, I told them she got lost and I don't want them to start thinking I lied?

HALLEY: Jaylynn, have you lost your mind?

JAYLYNN: A little bit, yeah.

HALLEY: Dude, this is insane. I mean, look at you. You're acting like a crack addict over a puppy that's not even yours. At this point, giving it back would actually reduce your stress.

JAYLYNN: Please, I'm not that stressed out. So I barely ate my lunch today, big deal.

HALLEY: Honestly, Jaylynn, I can't keep this puppy here. You need to do yourself a favor and take her back home. Her real home.

JAYLYNN: Okay, great. Guess you're now my number six friend. Never understood why I put you above the boys anyway.

Jaylynn takes Jaylynn II and she slams the door shut.

JAYLYNN: Well, I guess it's you and me against the world. We can do this.

SCENE 19

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

At night, Jaylynn is watching TV with Jaylynn II.

JAYLYNN: I don't get people sometimes. Once again, it's just me not being able to enjoy myself. I have to give something up even when it makes me happy. I remember when I would tell my mom I wanted a dog. And she told me it was too much of a responsibility. But dogs are loyal, they care about their owners. They're by your side no matter what. I've always loved that about dogs.

Jaylynn sighs and begins walking around the room.

JAYLYNN: But I don't know. Maybe I am being selfish. I've had so much stuff taken from me. Why would I take something away from someone that doesn't deserve it? You probably miss your real owners, don't you?

Jaylynn II simply stares at Jaylynn blankly.

JAYLYNN: God, I wish this was Martha Speaks so you could just tell me what you want.

At that point, Jaylynn gets a phone call.

JAYLYNN: Crap, it's the lady again. What am I gonna do? Jaylynn takes a deep breath and answers the call. Hey, whoever you are.

OWNER: Is this Jaylynn I'm speaking to?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I just don't know what your name is.

OWNER: Oh, it's Charlotte. Charlotte Jenkins. I just wanted to know if you made any progress in finding Sweetie Puss.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, um, Sweetie Puss, she's, uh...

CHARLOTTE: What? What happened to her?

Jaylynn II begins moving closer to the phone when she recognizes Charlotte's voice. Jaylynn sees that the puppy's eyes light up and she smiles.

JAYLYNN: Um, I think that Sweetie Puss is close to being found. I have some guys working it and we're like, this close to narrowing it down.

CHARLOTTE: Okay, I think that's good news. Look, Jaylynn, I just want to thank you for trying to help us find our Sweetie Puss. And if you can find her, we're willing to give you a cash reward.

JAYLYNN: A cash reward? I mean, cash is like food and water. You shouldn't just throw that stuff around.

CHARLOTTE: What if it was five hundred dollars?

JAYLYNN: Five hundred dollars? Why so much?

CHARLOTTE: Well, my husband and I kinda have a lot of money to throw around. Plus, Sweetie Puss is our whole world. We bought her before we bought our house.

JAYLYNN: Wow, that's...one hell of a story. But don't worry, Charlotte. I'm going to find Sweetie Puss if it's the last thing I do.

CHARLOTTE: I'm really happy to hear that. Well, I have to go. You have a good night.

JAYLYNN: Sure, you too. Jaylynn hangs up the call. This is terrible. I wanna keep you, but...you don't belong here. Of all the stray animals with no home, I just had to find one that did have a home.

Jaylynn picks up Jaylynn II in her arms.

JAYLYNN: Well, I guess I could have a few more days with you. Wouldn't hurt. But let me take a nap first.

Jaylynn yawns, and then begins to shut her eyes. Jaylynn II follows her lead and starts to nap on the floor. Fade to black. Fade into the morning, where Jaylynn wakes up by Sparky hitting her in the back of her head.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, get up. Come on now.

JAYLYNN: What? Wait, what happened? Is Lynne dead?

SPARKY: Jaylynn, why did you lie about the puppy's owners?

JAYLYNN: What? I never lied about anything.

SPARKY: Screw that, Halley told me everything. How could you be so stupid?

JAYLYNN: You don't understand, I was going to return her! I just...

WADE: Seriously, Jaylynn, this is pretty unhealthy. Your whole life is being dominated by that puppy.

JAYLYNN: No, it's not! You don't know what you're talking about!

BUSTER: Sparky, do we have to kill Jaylynn for animal abuse?

SPARKY: No, but we're taking Jaylynn II back to her owners. And you, Jaylynn, you're under arrest for unlawful possession of someone else's pet.

JAYLYNN: What? You have to be joking!

SPARKY: No, I'm not. You deserve everything you get for taking things that don't belong to you.

A policeman walks in with handcuffs for Jaylynn.

COP: Is this the girl?

RK: Yeah. Throw away the key, put her in the chair!

JAYLYNN: RK!

RK: What? By the way, if you establish yourself as an alpha early on, you'll have a better chance of not getting stabbed.

The policeman tries to put the cuffs on Jaylynn, but she jumps over the couch and runs into the kitchen. The policeman follows her.

COP: Resisting arrest will only hurt you more.

JAYLYNN: Stay away from me. I was gonna do the right thing! I promise I won't steal again! I'll even do a commercial about it for the Ad Council! Just don't take me to jail! DON'T TAKE ME!

Dissolve into Jaylynn rolling on the floor with her eyes closed, revealing the whole thing to be a dream.

JAYLYNN: No, don't take me! I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry!

Jaylynn wakes up and yells.

JAYLYNN: I have to get Jaylynn II...I mean, Sweetie Puss back home before it's too late!

Jaylynn takes out her phone and starts dialing Charlotte's number.

JAYLYNN: Hello? Yeah, Charlotte? I found Sweetie Puss and I'm bringing her home to you. Just let me know your address and I'll return her there.

Beat.

JAYLYNN: Wait, why is your husband screaming about quesadillas?

SCENE 20

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn is at her locker when the boys confront her.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, could we talk?

WADE: Yeah, we're starting to think that you're becoming a little too infatuated with Jaylynn II so we thought...

JAYLYNN: Look, I took care of it. I found the owners, I called them, and I'm giving back the puppy after school.

RK: Oh. Really? Because, you know, me and the boys, we had this planned out.

SPARKY: Yeah, I was going to give a speech about responsibility and doing the right thing.

WADE: And we were going to suggest putting the puppy in an animal shelter until the owners called.

BUSTER: I guess we get to save a lot of time today.

JAYLYNN: Yeah. Listen, guys, I'm sorry for acting so weird about Jaylynn II. I guess I wanted a dog so bad, I was willing to do anything to keep her. But it just wasn't meant to be.

WADE: Jaylynn, if you really want a dog, there's always the pet store. You know, the legal way.

RK: Yeah. Literally all of this could have been avoided if you just bought a puppy like a normal person.

JAYLYNN: I'm not even going to fight you on that because it's all true.

Cut to black.

("Caught Their Eyes" by Jay-Z featuring Frank Ocean plays in the end credits)

POST-CREDITS GAG

Some time later, Jaylynn has invited Anja and Halley to her house.

ANJA: Jaylynn, is everything okay? You sounded pretty serious on the phone.

JAYLYNN: Yeah. I just wanted you guys to know I'm sorry for what I put you through with Jaylynn II. And because you tried to help, here you go.

Jaylynn tosses both Anja and Halley knots of money.

HALLEY: You're paying us?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, fifty bucks each. I got a $500 reward for finding the puppy.

ANJA: Holy cheese and rice, man. What are you gonna do with the rest of the money?

JAYLYNN: Oh, I gave the rest of it to the guys. I don't really care about the money, I just miss Jaylynn II.

Jaylynn's phone vibrates. She then sees what the notification is and begins scrolling.

JAYLYNN: I can't believe it.

HALLEY: What is it?

JAYLYNN: It's from Charlotte.

Anja and Halley look at each other, then at Jaylynn with confusion.

JAYLYNN: The owner of Jaylynn II. She said I can visit the puppy whenever I want. So I do get to see her again!

HALLEY: I still don't understand why you can't just buy your own dog.

ANJA: Yeah, what's up with that?

Beat.

JAYLYNN: The show's over, leave me alone.

©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS