Captain Planet: Destroyer of Earth
Guy 1: Hey, does anyone know where a trash can is in this park?
Guy 2: It doesn't really matter dude, you can just throw it on the ground.
Guy 1: Oh...okay then...*drops beer can on the ground*.
Guy 2: See, that wasn't so ba-
(Captain Planet runs toward the guys)
Captain Planet: CAPTAIN PLANET MOTHAFUCKA! *shoves his entire arm through guy 2's chest and rips out his spine with the skull still attached*
Guy 2: BUAAAHAHFUUUUU! *dies*
Guy 1: Holy shit, you just straight up murdered that man!
Captain Planet: Yeah, because he polluted the environment.
Guy 1: But, that's not something to kill over...
Captain Planet: Do you really want to question me? Huh? Huh?
Guy 1: Sure, where have you been for 20 years?
Captain Planet: *stares directly at camera with blank face for a few seconds* Uranus...
Guy 1: Really?
Captain Planet: Of course not, where do you think I've been?
Guy 1: I don't know...proctology?
Captain Planet: *stares into camera for a few seconds* Shut up...*quickly wraps Guy 2's spine around Guy 1's neck and suffocates him, killing Guy 1*
(cop car sirens are heard; they become louder until the police actually drive near Captain Planet. The cops decide to pull over to handle business that a witness called about)
Police 1: *pulls out megaphone and begins to speak into it* This is the police! Come out with your hands up!
Captain Planet: NO! I'M CAPN' FUCKIN' PLANET! I GET TO DO THE SHIT I WANT TO DO! *pulls out a grenade and throws it at a cop car*
Police 1: Oh God da-
*KABOOM!*
(the explosion of one cop car creates a large chain reaction of nearby cop car explosions)
Captain Planet: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH BABY! *pulls out two AK-47s, runs to a crowd of running people and spray fires at all of them*
*POW POW POW POW POW POW POW!*
Captain Planet: YOU HAVE ALL KILLED MOTHER NATURE! *mows down the entire crowd, leaving them in a pool of blood*
(FBI vans start racing toward Captain Planet. TV News reports declare Captain Planet "armed and dangerous". Flocks of FBI SWAT teams flood the park and Captain Planet is not intimidated one bit)
FBI agent 1: Freeze! Get on the ground and don't move!
FBI agent 2: You're in a lot of trouble...
(a regular cop starts wandering nearby with severe burns that reveal dark flesh and even bone)
Police 2: *murmurs* Protect the environment, protect the environment, protect the environment...*pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head, committing suicide*
FBI agent 1: Dear God...
FBI agent 2: We're dealing with a twisted one here...
Captain: You are all polluting! Heil Earth! *pulls out an RPG and fires at swarms of FBI SWAT team members*
(SWAT team members are flying everywhere like broken rag dolls, only with gore instead of fabric...)
FBI agent 1: Call the National Guard!
(the National Guard arrives with scores of tanks. Jets armed with bombs start circulating the city)
Captain Planet: NONE OF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CRIPPLE MOTHER NATURE! ONLY I DO! *Jumps quickly toward a tank, and steals one using his super speed* *Pulls out driver and brutally rips him in half, marking Captain Planet's face red with blood*
(Captain Planet now starts driving the tank around and fires at everyone possible. Flocks of people panicking turn into piles of bloody limbs with gore trailing behind. Surprisingly, Captain Planet managed to easily maneuver the tank and dodge enemy fire from tanks while yelling "I was in Nam'!". Those who were injured were simply run over by Captain Planet's tank, turning them into pulp)
Captain Planet: Take that bitches! Ahahahahaha! This is what you all get for fucking with the environment!
(Jets quickly fly by and bomb several blocks of the city. However, because Captain Planet has superhuman abilities, he easily survives with barely a scratch)
Captain Planet: Tryin' to bomb from the skies ey? Well, I'll show them bombing! *Flies up towards a jet and pulls a pilot out* Can you play Flappy Bird when you lose your fuckin' wings?
Pilot 1: What? I can't here with the amount of air hitting my ears!
Captain Planet: *rips off pilot's arms, blood quickly flies out* Flap birdy, flap! *throws pilot, steals jet*
(Captain Planet flies all the way from Manhattan to Los Angeles and bombs every crowded area of automobile traffic he could see)
Captain Planet: This planet needs an extreme makeover! Complete annihilation! If mortals are bound to wreck Earth, I might as well destroy it first...
(a US Marshall bursts into the Oval Office at the White House and demands the president for a better plan to handle the situation)
Barack Obama: Mmmmmph...send in Duke Nukem...
US Marshall: Yes sir.
(Meanwhile, at Los Angeles)
Captain Planet: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! *Jet wing bursts* FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!*
(The jet is swinging uncontrollably and crashing into many buildings throughout Los Angeles. When the jet finally slides on the ground, it creates a massive explosion that burns a few hundred people)
Captain Planet: *climbs out of debris* What the Hell just happened?
(Duke Nukem walks nearby and stands eye to eye with Captain Planet)
Duke Nukem: Hail to the king...
Captain Planet: Oh no, not yo-
Duke Nukem: *pulls out a powerful, handheld nuclear missile launcher and fires it at Captain Planet. Captain Planet flies into the air and destroys many buildings while leaving large traces of radiation that poison some of the people who were wandering about inside of the buildings* DUUUUUUUUUKE NUKEM!
Captain Planet: *lands inside of a building* *murmurs* Douche...
(Duke Nukem breaks through the ceiling above Captain Planet)
Duke Nukem: I've got balls of steeeeeeeeeel...
Captain Planet: Oh really? *Kicks Duke Nukem between the legs*
Duke Nukem: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGOD!
Captain Planet: You have no balls of steel when you pussy out of recycling. Now, go clean the blood from you pants!
Duke Nukem: Yes sir...*starts cleaning up the blood that constantly keeps on bleeding from in between his own legs*
Captain Planet: I've got some work to finish...*flies up into outer space*
Guy 3: No one noticed that Captain Planet himself has polluted more than everyone else with the amount of military weapons he used?
*everyone else shrugs*
Guy 3: *shrugs* *drinks coffee and throws the glass in a trash can*
(Meanwhile, in space)
Captain Planet: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
*Fires an enormous planet-sized blast of energy. The blast heads toward Earth*
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*
(The Earth is hit by the energy blast and explodes into many chunks of newly formed space rock. All the life of Earth has been destroyed...by Captain Planet...your trusted protector of the enivornment)
So remember kids, don't pollute, or Captain Planet will find your address and murder you in your sleep. Oh, and don't forget to always say your prayers to Captain Planet before you go to sleep and be thankful for all of the help he has done for the environment, especially Earth's destruction...wait, how am I telling you this if...wait, I broke the fourth wall...and the Earth is supposed to be gone...
*X-Files theme song plays*