Chapter 1

Doug

After weeks of hard work, we are finally just days away from officially opening our deli, Carter & Hay. The last few weeks have been exhausting, what with all the remodeling and cleaning and purchasing of supplies and everything else involved in getting the new business up and running. Then there's been the added stress of having to deal with Brendan Brady trying to play puppet master with me, constantly reminding me that I'd better do as he says, that I owe him, that the deli wouldn't even exist if it weren't for him and his money. I'm not even sure anymore if its Brendan's hassling that's got me out of sorts or if it's the fact that I'm keeping Brendan's loan a secret from Ste. Who am I kidding, it's not just "a secret." I am outright lying to my business partner and friend!

Amazingly, amidst all the work, exhaustion, and stress, there have been some good times. I've gotten to know Ste pretty well, what with working alongside him seemingly day in and day out. He can be a real laugh, and real sweet. That's right, sweet. I don't think I've ever thought of a guy as "sweet" before, but the word seems to suit him somehow.

You'd think we'd be sick of each other's company by now, but here we are, together, at the late night end of a too long day spent assembling and arranging furniture and stocking shelves, heading back to Ste's flat to dig into some Indian take out. It's our low key way of celebrating the deli's fast-approaching opening. We considered going out for drinks, but we both had to admit we were too tired to clean ourselves up and drag ourselves out to some noisy bar. Luckily, Ste found some beers in his fridge when we got to the flat and there was nothing to keep us from enjoying them as Ste also found a note from Amy saying she and the kids were spending the night a Michaela's to keep her company while she babysat Bobby and Cathleen Angel.

At some point, having devoured our food and downed a few beers, we kicked back comfortably, side by side, on Ste's sofa, and indulged in some self-congratulatory chatter.

"The deli looks dead good, don't it? And the menu, it should really get people in, don't ya think? 'n not just drunken punters from the bars, actual proper customers, right?" Ste was bubbling over with that childlike enthusiasm of his, even while looking for reassurance that he was right to be that enthusiastic.

"Yeah, the place looks great. We do a pretty good paint job, don't we. And the menu, well, you did better than great on that! Real creative on some of the items, I'd say. But it's your cooking skills that are gonna bring in the customers, if ya ask me."

Ste grinned and emptied what remained in his bottle of beer. "Fancy another?" he asked, clocking the empty bottles I'd set on the floor by my feet. He jumped up, ready to grab some more drinks and keep the good mood going and I found that I couldn't help but jump up myself. His enthusiasm was contagious and now it was my turn to initiate a gush.

"Ste, I couldn't have done this with anyone else. You and me really are a fantastic team. So, cheers mate." I pulled him into a hug, the sort of thing he's inclined to do and that seems to have rubbed off on me. "Seriously, I just want you to know that this, what we're doing with the deli, is the best thing that's happened to me in a really really long time."

"You drunk Doug?" Ste laughed, but hugged me back. He's good at hugs, like, he doesn't hold back. His hugs are so genuine, so guileless. It's clear, every time, that he really and truly wants to give the hug and get the hug. It's like he really means it and doesn't take it for granted. …Definitely nothing like the typical rough bear hug or quick one armed hug most guys awkwardly and reluctantly dole out.

I could sense Ste's arms loosening around me, ready to end our friendly embrace… and at that very moment I felt my heart lurch almost violently, like it would break through the wall of my chest… like it would actually leave my body if that's what it took to be closer to Ste's. What was happening? I felt strangely light headed, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the beer 'cause I'm no lightweight when it comes to drinking. Before I could stop myself, I was pressing my mouth intensely against Ste's.

It sounds corny or cliché, but I swear time stood still as our lips touched. I stopped breathing and my entire mind and body tingled with hyper awareness of each and every sensation channeling through it… The softness of Ste's lips against mine… the smoothness of the skin around his lips as it brushed against my face… the smell of fresh soap wafting from his skin and encircling me… I felt the barely detectable weight of his hand, which at some point had come to rest lightly on my side… In fact, I felt each and every point of contact between our bodies, no matter how small or slight… the tickle of something on my cheek – of those uncommonly long eyelashes of his... the firm slight slope of a muscle as my hand gripped his upper arm… the press of firm thigh against firm thigh… the tip of a toe against the side of a foot… and heat – his body heat hitting me, or mine rising on its own from the sparks brought on by all these sensations? …And through it all, the agitated pounding of my heart as it apparently tried to escape from the confines of my nervous chest. Electric. Every sensation, absolutely electric.

…and so unexpected! I mean, if I had ever stopped to think about it, to wonder what it would be like to kiss a guy, I'm pretty sure I imagined something very different… something rougher, maybe… the scrape of facial hair, the rub of rough skin, hard lumpy muscles bumping into each other (in the absence of any soft bits for buffering), maybe the smell of aftershave or sweat. I suppose I also imagined something awkward and maybe unappealingly familiar about kissing and touching the body of another guy – no lady parts to make it unknown, mysterious, and enticing, after all. But I realized, as I kissed Ste, that his body was, in fact, mysterious, unknown, and enticing.

Mysterious because I really didn't know for sure what another man's body could or would do to mine or in response to mine.

Unknown because Ste's body really wasn't exactly like mine just because we were both guys. He was slender, obviously, but in close contact I noticed things that made his body different from mine. I could feel the ripples of his ribs, but at the same time the slender firmness and sturdiness of his body. His skin was smoother and had less hair than my own and what hair he did have was lighter in color and softer when compared to mine. We were about the same height, but Ste held himself differently than me – I wasn't sure what the difference was, but there was definitely something different about the way he stood and carried himself. Also unknown was what, precisely, Ste liked a guy to do with this body of his to bring it pleasure.

And enticing, well, Ste's body was most definitely enticing because, frankly, he's hot… I noticed, while Ste and I were working together these last few weeks, that, objectively speaking, he's a very attractive guy. I mean, the cool hair, those expressive blue eyes, that elfish ever-so-slightly upturned nose, those pouty full lips, the flawless skin, the enviable tight (if slight) muscles that mean there's not a bit of extraneous flesh or fat anywhere on him. Like I said, I noticed, on an objective level, that Ste Hay is a good looking guy. But I also came to realize just how hot I actually found him to be when, after a hug at the deli one day, and then a gentle stroke he gave my arm on another day, I'd had to run out to keep Ste from seeing the hard-ons he'd given me! That's right… like some innocent preteen boy, I'd gotten hard-ons from simple physical contact with hot Ste Hay. Ugh… the embarrassment of it… not to mention the total mental confusion it threw me into!

The kiss lasted long enough for me to register and commit to memory every last detail of it… but then it ended...

Ste

Oh my God! What just happened? Doug Carter just kissed me! Or did I just kiss Doug Carter? He couldn't have kissed me. He's straight! I'm the one who's gay me, so if that kiss weren't my imagination than I must've made it happen. Shit. I'm so confused… Or am I drunk?... My head feels like its spinnin'… What have I done?

Sure, Doug is attractive. But I haven't really looked at him that way or thought of him that way 'cause everybody knows he's straight. And I ain't gonna be stupid 'n waste me time droolin' after a straight guy! I mean, look what happened when I got with a guy who was actually gay, but closeted about it. That turned out a right mess, so it could only get worse to try it on with a guy who's not even gay!

My eyes dart down to the floor. No matter how hard I try, I can't look Doug in the face right now. I feel… embarrassed. How could I let this happen? Doug's become a good mate, a true mate, just what I've been needin' really. Last thing I wanna do is mess up our friendship, like I've messed up so many other things in me life.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see Doug move slightly… and I… flinch. Shit. The last time I kissed a guy when I wasn't supposed to I got beat up for it. Happened more than once, in fact. So it'd make sense if it happened again now, if Doug decided to hit out at me. Reflex propels my arms upward and in front of my chest, ready to rise higher if it's my head that needs protecting… "Sss… sorry, Doug. Um… sorry. Don't be mad… I mean, I know you're straight, so just… uh… please don't…"

Doug

I was still reveling in our kiss, dwelling on the taste and feel of Ste that lingered in my mouth… taking in the sensation of coolness crawling over my lips as the air in the room hit the moisture Ste had left behind on them… all this I noticed, even as he moved away from me… Wait, why was he moving away from me? I snapped out of my reverie. Damn, I'd messed up, hadn't I. I must have messed up. He didn't want me to kiss him. He didn't like it… didn't like me… at least, not in that way. The inches he'd just put between us felt like miles. I moved towards him, hoping to close at least a little of the distance between us – maybe if I could close the physical distance, I'd have a chance at closing the mental distance that I feared might be building as a result of my uninvited kiss.

But Ste hadn't just moved away from me… he'd flinched. Why did he flinch like that? He was whispering something… His words were barely audible… Wait, was he apologizing, telling me not to be mad at him…? It took a second for me to sort out what he meant, to understand what Ste's words and body language signaled. While I had been lost in the excitement of the kiss after it had ended, Ste's mind had somehow jumped to the idea that I was going to hit him!

I'd forgotten about the physically abusive nature of his relationship with Brendan. That part of their relationship, which I had only caught glimpses of during the time Ste used to work at Chez Chez, was easily overshadowed, for an outside observer like me, by the bizarre verbal and psychological games Brendan always seemed to be playing with Ste and, quite frankly, with everyone to one degree or another. Noah had once told me, back when he and Ste were dating, that Brendan and Ste had been in a warped romantic relationship and that Brendan had "beat the shit outta poor Ste" (his words) constantly. I had had my own stuff to deal with when it came to Brendan Brady and his constant intimidation, manipulation, and orders to carry out illegal activities, so I had never really dwelled on what had gone on between him and Ste.

But at this moment, registering Ste's flinch, I suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere, recalled images of a limping Ste, a bruised Ste, a Ste with a split lip, a teary eyed Ste… I didn't even realize I had noticed the signs of abuse on Ste's body over the months he'd worked at Chez Chez, let alone stored them in my memory… But I had, and now they had surfaced and were suddenly terribly important.

"Ste, you've got it wrong… You don't have anything to be sorry for. And I don't have any reason to be mad… And god, you can't think I'm gonna hit you! I would never do that. …I, uh… I kissed you…" A weak and sheepish half smile crossed my face. "I kissed YOU."

Ste stared at me. His face looked like one big question mark. He was completely confused. "You're straight though, you… aren't ya?" He sounded confused too.

Truth be told, I was feeling a bit confused myself, but not nearly as much as I had in the moment immediately before the kiss or in all the weeks I'd been working with and getting to know Ste. Now I knew, at least, that I wasn't imagining my attraction towards him. I had wanted to kiss him. I liked – really liked – kissing him. And given the chance, I would definitely kiss him again. At least I had all that settled in my mind!

"Doug?" I had been distracted by the conversation I was having with myself in my own head and so hadn't responded to his question, so he asked again, "You're straight you, right?"

After clearing my throat, I finally dared to answer. "The truth is, I've been having these feelings lately… um… I've been kind of confused…"

"Feelings? What feelings?"

"Well, not feelings exactly… More like thoughts… maybe."

Ste looked befuddled now, like I was speaking some foreign language or something.

"Okay, yes, feelings… I've been having these feelings lately, but not in general…"

"Huh? 'Not in general'? What does that mean?"

"Well feelings, but not so much about being gay or about guys in general… All these feelings, they've all been feelings about… YOU… just you, Ste."

"Me?" Ste looked doubtful.

Clearing my throat, I let the remaining words tumble out of my mouth. "All I know for sure, Ste, is that I've never spent so much time thinking about a guy before or wanting to hang out with a guy before until now. And I've never looked at another guy before. I've never wanted to kiss another guy before… as desperately as I just wanted to kiss you, right now."

Ste looked at me through those lashes of his with what appeared to be shy amazement. "Really?" he whispered.

"Yeah. Really."

There was a nervous silence, which I felt I should break. "Uh, I'm sure I could do better, ya know, given the chance." I laughed nervously, trying to lighten the mood, and anxiously rubbed the back of my neck.

"Naw Doug, nothin' wrong with that kiss." Ste grinned ever so slightly.

"No?"

"No." He smiled. A sweet smile. "I might be able to do a bit better meself… er, ya know, if I weren't taken so totally by surprise…" At that point, he gazed directly into my eyes. And I looked intently back into his…