"The Final Moments"
By Katie Bencken
An ER Fan Fiction
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters, please don't sue!
AN: This is my first ER fan fiction, so if it's really, really bad, I'm sorry! Oh yeah, I wrote this over a year ago, so take that into account w/ the time!
1 John Carter
It was another one of those days in the ER, when everything seemed to go wrong. I had already lost two patients, one was hit by a car in a hit and run, the young girl was only 12 years old. My other, a heart attack, but I've just got to keep going…I can't let my whole day fall apart at 10:30am when my shift had just started at 6:00 am, c'mon, I still have until 6:00 pm to go!
"Hey Carter, GSW coming in, you want to take it?" Weaver asked me, I really didn't want to, I saw no point! With my luck, I'd loose the person.
"Can I avoid it?" I asked her, Dr. Weaver would sometimes give me a break, especially now, especially when it's so close to that time.
"Yeah, Susan is free. I'll go get her."
"Thanks."
I hate this time of the year; two years ago I celebrated this day like everything was great! Love was wonderful, but then…Valentine's Day was worth celebrating, now I feel as if the day was cursed. I don't find anything 'wonderful' about Valentine's Day anymore; I don't think of it as being associated with love, I find it associated with death. Lately, everyone has been asking me how I am, ever since I lost her; I haven't been good. I never thought that when this time of year rolled around I'd feel this bad, but I do.
I want to see her again; just make sure she's all right. I can't just let her go without checking on her. That's just not ethical. I want to know that she's not in pain. I don't want her hurting, because even though people think I stopped blaming myself for what happened…I still do. If only I had been watching more closely, if only I had made the one call. I should have seen that he was schizophrenic and that people were in danger, it was completely and totally my fault. It's not fair that I died and she lived. I just don't understand it.
"Carter…" It was Abby, Good, someone I can talk to now. I need to talk, and I know Abby's always there for me, "You okay? You look a little out of it today."
"It's her…I just can't get over loosing her." I told her, she probably didn't know how much it hurt, but she had some idea.
"Lucy?" She asked me, it was an innocent question, something expected. I shook my head slowly. I couldn't loose it now. It was February 10, four days before the one-year anniversary of my nightmare, something that I didn't want to experience.
"C'mon, you now get a well deserved break, so do I. You need to just sit down."
We walked together into the Doctors lounge, I'm glad she came by. I need someone to lean on right now. I need to be able to just tell someone how I'm feeling, and Abby's the person I need.
2 Abby Lockhart
When he said he just couldn't get over loosing her, I knew it was Lucy. Lucy was stabbed to death by a schizophrenic patient and Carter was pretty close. He obviously didn't realize one year later would hurt this bad. Even though he had kicked the drug addiction, I knew that this would not be an easy time for him. So I led him into the doctors lounge, sat him down, and got us both some coffee.
"So, you still miss her?"
"Yeah, I never thought that it would be this bad one year later. It still hurts like it did when I first found out." His voice got shaky, and I knew that if he started to cry he'd need someone.
"Listen, I'm going to ask Kerry to let me take you home, you did take a cab this morning, right?"
John just shook his head; I knew that this was incredibly hard for him.
"I'll be right back John, okay?"
"Yeah, I'll wait right here." He was scared; I could see it in his eyes…he didn't want to cry here.
"Okay, you are going to be fine. I know Weaver will let you out."
John just shook his head; I could see the sorrow in his eyes. He was so sad, so vulnerable; I didn't understand everything he was going through, but I understood enough. I walked away, and saw Weaver in exam 2. She walked in.
"Dr. Weaver?"
"What Abby?"
"Can I take Carter home to my place for a while? He's going on about Lucy's death, he needs some time off for a while, just a hour or two."
"Sure, we can hold the place down for a while, just be back in two hours or so. He just needs time away from this place."
"Thanks."
"Sure Abby."
I was relieved that she said yes. I couldn't let Carter just sit here, about to cry. I don't think that that's fair. Nor is it fair that he was almost stabbed to death. I quickly walked out of Exam 2 and into the Doctors' Lounge again where I found Carter sipping his coffee.
"C'mon Carter, I got Kerry's permission, you're coming to my place for about an hour and a half." I watched Carter slowly stand up and walk to me. He stepped out the door and we walked to my car.
The drive was long and silent. For most people, silence like that felt awkward and strange, but he'd helped me, and I'd helped him through several things. We got used to this, and for us, this silence was normal. It gave us a chance to regroup, and get ready to go on with a discussion about almost anything.
When we made it to my apartment, Carter and I got out and went inside, "Sit down, get comfortable. Is there anything I can get you?" He did as he had done at the hospital; he shook his head. No, I told myself, He doesn't want anything. I sat down next to him on the couch.
"Abby,"
"What?"
"It's my fault about Lucy's death, isn't it?" The question came as a total shock. Everyone thought, even myself, that Carter had stopped blaming himself for what happened to Lucy. We were all wrong. Carter still blamed himself, "Abby, isn't it my fault?"
"No, Carter, this isn't your fault."
"I was supposed to watch the med students, not let them be alone with a deadly patient." He started raising his voice, and I figured that I should just let him, "I WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE THINGS WERE OKAY. WITH ONE DAMN CALL, ABBY, ONE CALL I COULD HAVE PREVENTED IT ALL!!" And I watched as he let the tears roll. I slowly took him in my arms and let him sob.
"No matter what you say, it's not your fault." I told him, I told him over and over again. But he didn't listen to me.
"Abby, I'm sorry for acting like such a baby." He told me when he had calmed down.
"John, it's okay. I understand. I will always be here for you, whether you need to cry or yell, or just need someone to sit and listen to you. I'll sit and let you cry on my shoulder. You've been through hell, and I don't want to see any of it happen again." I found that John still had tears in his eyes, so I told him, "And Carter, you do know that with what you've been through, it's okay to cry…right?"
"Yeah, I've been told. But sometimes I don't think I should."
"Listen, I told you if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here. Just come to me. You've helped me with more than I could ever ask for. I'll willingly sit and talk with you."
He looked at me; his deep brown eyes were showing a look of fear, with that look of sorrow that they had shown so often since Lucy died. I watched him, for a while now he had stopped crying. But now, I watched as one tear down the cheek turned into two, then 3, and 4 and so on, until they couldn't stop. I moved a little closer to him, and he just collapsed pretty much into my lap. I just held him as he cried once again, doing something that had to be done.
3 Mark Greene
When I found out that Abby had taken Carter to talk for a while, I was quite glad. He needed to talk with someone. True, the ER was busy at the moment, but Carter's condition affected his patient care. And with Lucy on his mind, well who know what could go wrong. Now don't misunderstand me here, I respect Carter, and I trust him. It's just that he's been through so much, and I think that he needs someone to talk to, and Abby is the person.
We all promised Carter we'd help him through this, and everyone has. We helped him kick the drug addiction, and we found him some relief in loosing Lucy. Although he claims everyday that he's fine, I don't think he really is. That is just my opinion though. I know he still blames himself for Lucy's death; I think everyone knows it. But at least now he can get through a day without breaking down, that's how it was when he first got back, and most of us had to cover for him.
But one year later, it still hurt like it did before. And I feel bad for him. I couldn't imagine the pain he's feeling, but I know that it is hard for him. He lost a friend and a colleague; he lost his med student, someone who he was responsible for. I know; if Carter would have made the call to the psych ward; if he had noticed that the patient was schizophrenic; then maybe Lucy would have been okay. But there were other patients, and we were busy that night.
"Mark, try to keep major traumas away from Carter. Pratt, Chen, Susan, you, and myself will take them." Kerry told me.
"Right Dr. Weaver." I responded to her. Carter really didn't need major. Just minors, that's probably all he can handle, if even that.
I hope Abby is helping Carter, all he needs right now is to cry, not treat patients. He'd already lost two today, that two too many for and person on the ER staff.
Chen walked up to me, "Hey, Mark, multiple GSWs coming in, get your butt in gear!"
"Coming." I replied quickly, I hope Carter doesn't show up too incredibly soon, he can't get himself wrapped up in this.
4 John Carter
As I felt Abby holding me as the tears fell, I knew that everything would be okay. But still, I wanted to get rid of my life right now, it's all too hard. When I was still using narcotics, I'd often think of suicide, and it would have been so easy to get out, just a simple overdose…if only I'd been smart enough to OD then. It could be worse, I could have no one to turn to. But thankfully Abby said she'd always be there.
"Thank you," I said to her.
"For what?" She asked me.
"For just listening to me, for holding me. I just can't stop thinking about Lucy. It's Valentine's Day, and I'm ruining it for you Abby, I'm making you sit here while I cry, this isn't your responsibility."
"Carter, for most of us at County, Valentine's Day isn't worth it anymore. Lucy died and you were pretty close. None of us really want to celebrate it anymore. More or less, I like doing this right now; you need this right now. Don't apologize for needing someone to talk to." She was so sweet, I never realized how this changed everyone's Valentine's Day, I thought it was mainly mine, "C'mon Carter, are comfortable going back to work?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine…but if I break down will you pull me out from everyone's view?"
"Yes, I will." I knew she was sincere; she was sincere and caring. She was a good friend, and I couldn't ask for more.
We got up and walked out the door, we got in her car and drove back to County General's ER, where I would get ready to work and get Lucy out of my mind, at least for a little while. I looked out the window, finally realizing how much there is to live for. I couldn't believe how much of my life had slipped away through this last year. My drug addiction, everything, I watched as everyone lived and I didn't, I knew that it was all going to stop. My life couldn't slip through the cracks anymore; I couldn't let it.
I walked in, and the ER had quieted down, a lot. There were no current multiple traumas, only a few majors that were already being tended to. I would just await the next call. I hadn't had lunch yet, and it was 12:30. I got Weaver's okay and went to the cafeteria.
5 Kerry Weaver
At times, especially right now, I feel sorry for Carter. He's a great guy who's sensitive and caring. But at times, I think he's almost too caring. Lucy was his student, so I can see why he'd feel responsible, but he's not and we've all talked to him about it. He knows that he's not responsible, and no one really understands why he considers that he is.
Oh great, a call…Carter's going to want to take it, and I'm going to let him. He can do this, and I have faith in him, "County, what have ya got?" Good gosh, Carter walk away, don't be neat the admit desk, c'mon…
"32 year old male who OD'd on heroin, we think, he'll need a stomach pump, but that should be it."
"County out."
"I've got it Kerry." I heard Carter say, he went and grabbed a gown and went outside.
6 John Carter
I wanted to be out there, it gives me some time to think. Plus, a stomach pump is never that bad, except for the patient who will sometimes kick and hit, resulting in a black eye for whoever is attempting to help him. The worst thing possible with this would be that the guy has a knife or gun in his pocket and is going to get so pissed that he decides to use it. Wow! Why am I thinking like that? That's just not going to happen, not again.
I heard the sirens screaming towards me; it time to get into action.
I ran over to the ambulance and was automatically filled in on his vitals. He was conscious, so I decided to ask him some questions, "Sir, what did you take?"
"I took heroin."
"How much?"
"I don't know."
"Can you try to guess?"
"I don't know."
I got him in a room, and we moved him onto a gurney, "Sir, we're going to have to pump your stomach, we'll stick a tube down your throat and induce vomiting. It will cause some discomfort." As the tube went down his throat, he started kicking and squirming, someone held down his head, and right as Abby came to hold down the feet, I felt his foot hit me right in the cheek. I saw her grab both legs and get them down, be the arms were still flying around. I stepped back, not wanting a black eye. I didn't see it, but the man reached into his pocket and got something out. When he looked back at me, he was holding a four inch knife out, pretty much ready to strike anything, "Stop the procedure guys," I told them, and thankfully they listened to me, they had just gotten the tube down his throat and secured it, "C'mon buddy, give me the knife. You don't want to hurt anyone." I nodded at Abby; she needed to get out. If he was to hurt anyone, it was to be me, not Abby, "C'mon, give me the knife." I edged a little bit closer to him and he swung the knife at me, he missed, "I'll take out the tube if you just stay still." He nodded his head the best he could. When I went to his head, I saw Dr. Weaver looking in the window. She was scared, just as I was, but now, my worst fear was coming true. I was going through this all again, all over. Only this time, I was by myself.
The only thing that I forgot about, was that the guy didn't have any real restraints on, just people holding him down…and the fact that he still had the knife. As a few more people gathered right outside the room, they could all see what was going on. Kerry was in her gown, probably just in case I almost get killed again, when I finally removed the tube, the guy jumped up, how he got so aware of his surroundings since he OD'd I don't know. He pointed the knife at me, and the next thing I knew, there was a sharp pain in my neck. I felt and there was a pretty deep wound. I fell to the ground; I felt a few more sharp pains along my back, whether he hit my spinal chord I don't know. Then there was constant pain and everything went black. The last thing I remember hearing was someone being read their rights and Kerry calling out my name.
7 Abby Lockhart
I had watched everything through the window, why had he sent me out? Because he didn't want to lose me like he lost Lucy. Oh God, Carter could die, again, on Valentine's Day, of all days. How could this all be happening. Just thirty minutes ago, I held him in my arms and told him it was okay to cry, why weren't we still there? I listened as he told me that Lucy's death was his entire fault, I told him that it was okay, and that it wasn't his fault. Now as I watch the unfolding scene, and Elizabeth running down the stairs along with Benton, I couldn't believe everything that was going wrong with this day. The time I spent with him thirty minutes ago, seems like thirty years now, as I watch Elizabeth run in the room along with Kerry and Benton I want to go in and hold him, tell him everything is okay. But I couldn't, Kerry told me to stay where I was.
As they took his pulse and checked his blood pressure, I felt the tears sting my eyes. Luka came up behind me and slowly put his arm around me, "It's going to be okay Abby. Carter's a fighter, we all know that." I quietly looked back at him and shook my head. Then, I turned back to the unfolding chaos.
He looked so helpless lying there on the floor. I never thought any of us would see him like this again. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes that had been blurring my vision. Luka had to walk away and go to a minor, a young girl who fell at school. He said that Haleh could take it, and I'd agreed. By now, John had lost more blood than I had ever imagined possible. Deb was next to me, watching just as I was. Seeing John lie in a pool of blood that was again his own was so hard. Could he survive this a second time?
They had moved him onto a gurney, and I think it was now that I just let the tears roll down my face. Jing-Mei was also crying. He had been hooked up to a heart monitor, and I then saw, that Kerry had started shocking him. No, he was V-Tac, this couldn't be happening. I didn't want to see this. I turned and went to the bathroom. I just couldn't see him like that anymore. I knew he was in good hands, so I just plain left.
I turned and went to the bathroom. I just couldn't see him like that anymore. I knew he was in good hands, so I just plain left.
8 Luka Kovac
After treating the young girl, I went back to where Abby had been. When I noticed she had left, I turned to Jing-Mei, "Hey, where's Abby?"
"I think she went to the bathroom." She told me.
I nodded in return. Then I saw Abby walk down the hall again. Her eyes were red, she had obviously been crying, and I looked and she still was. She came, and I held her in my arms as best I could, "Abby, we know Carter's a fighter; we all know that, he'll be okay. This will all work out Abby."
"Yeah, but can he survive this again?"
I had no answer for her. They had gotten him back, but now…now if he would stay stable through surgery. That was a very good question.
"I don't know Abby, but we can't just say he won't. Give him a chance, he'll probably come through."
She just cried harder. Kerry ran out of the room, along with Elizabeth and Benton, all pushing the gurney. They were taking him to the OR. Everyone on staff watched with disbelief. Even Mark, I was still holding Abby, neither of us took it as a sign of affection, just as something to comfort one another. She was scared, and all she could do was cry. I just wanted to make this a little easier for her.
Just then, we got word of a Trauma, car accident. Two teens injured, and 1 adult. We all told Abby that there were enough people to handle it without her, and everyone else got to work. Abby just sat down and watched and waited for Kerry. Then she could find out John's prognosis.
8.1 Abby Lockhart
When I saw Kerry coming down the hall, I immediately stood and looked at her, "Abby," she approached me. The sound in her voice told me something was wrong, "He'll probably live, but we don't know if he'll have any function of his legs." It took me by surprise, I figured it was live or die, not something in between, but this was. His life was spent here, in the ER, not in a wheelchair, "I'm sorry Abby."
I stood, trying to fully comprehend what she was saying, "What do you mean by 'He'll probably live,'"
"Nothings for sure yet Abby. If you want the rest of the day off, I'd understand. We've got enough people right now."
"Thanks Dr. Weaver." I told her, and then I walked up to the surgery ward and sat in one of the chairs.
I didn't care what was going on down in the ER, I wasn't there today, I didn't need it. After a few hours I saw Dr. Corday walk out of the OR, "Elizabeth, how is he?" Her stare told me that something was terribly wrong, whether Carter lived or not was a question only she could answer. I took the word probably when Kerry told me as more than likely. Now I think that it meant probably not.
"Abby, I don't know how to tell you this, or anyone else for that matter," She stopped, and it hadn't quite hit me yet, "Carter…Carter…Carter died." I stared at her in disbelief, I had just held him in my arms, listened to him as he cried, let him yell at me. He wasn't dead, he didn't die, it was a impossible.
"Elizabeth, that wasn't very funny, now really, how is Carter?"
"Abby, I wasn't joking, Carter didn't make it."
It seemed like the world stopped, I couldn't believe what I was hearing, dead? Carter? This was all too much to comprehend, "I should probably go tell everyone…"
"If you don't want to, I can."
"No, I will…I can't sit here anymore." I got up and walked away, I felt the tears stinging my eyes, and I wiped them away. Why?? Why'd this happen to Carter? He had made it once, why couldn't he be strong enough to make it again?
When I got on the floor, I just looked around, "What's wrong Abby?" I heard Kerry ask me.
"He…He…He didn't make it." I flat out told her.
Kerry just looked at me like I was a fool, "You're not joking, are you?"
"No. I'm not." I started to walk away.
"Susan, Carter…Carter…He didn't make it."
"Oh my God, are you kidding?"
"No."
It went on for about twenty minutes before I came to Luka, "Luka," I started, "I have some not so great news."
"What??"
"Luka, Carter…Carter…he died." I lost it, I cried for the first time since I'd found out. I felt arms holding me tight, and heard a deep voice with a Croatian accent telling me it would be okay.
As I was held in arms, I knew that others were crying too. I could tell that it was Susan, and I heard Mark crying quietly near by, "Why couldn't he make it twice Luka, WHY?" I asked him, and cried harder. It took me about twenty minutes to regain my composure, and during that time, Luka had managed to get me into the Doctors' Lounge. We sat down and he held me closer than before. People came in and out of the lounge during that time, over and over again.
I remember Mark kneeling down next to me, and patting me on the back, "Abby, he had a good life, he had made it once. I know, it'll be hard, for all of us for a while. But he wouldn't want this."
"But it was Valentine's Day." I told him, "I wouldn't celebrate it anyway, but now, now it really is a day of death. First Lucy, and now Carter."
"I know Abby, I know." Mark reassured me. I was still in Luka's arms; crying and wishing that it would all go away.
Why this was so hard for me, I didn't know. I was the only one sobbing; I was the only one who still needed comfort. And I felt like a fool.
8.2 Luka Kovac
As I held Abby in my arms, I myself wanted to cry. Sure, Carter and I didn't always get along very well, but still…he was a friend and colleague. When I saw him in a pool of blood on the floor, I didn't know why any of this was happening. But right now I have to be strong for Abby. True, we aren't dating anymore, but she came to me when she was in need of comfort this time, and I intend on helping her.
"Shh, Abby this'll all work out. It's okay. Shhh." I reassured her the best I could. But I knew nothing would make it better for her, nothing.
8.3 Abby Lockhart
I just sat near Luka even after I had stopped crying. It was all too much to take.
************
Never thought I'd be in this place
It's someone else's life I'm living
Wish I were living a lie
The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn't kiss me good-bye
I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say
And pray I get the chance one day
*************
I went home later that day and took a shower, the warm water felt nice against my skin; I then collapsed on my bed and within moments fell asleep.
*************
I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around?
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you
***********
The next morning I got up and went to work. Still wondering why this all happened to Carter. There was a sort of sadness that had come over the ER, for most of the staff. You usually don't experience that here.
***********
I can hear you smile in the dark
I can even feel you breathing
But daylight chases the ghosts
I see your coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I'm clinging
Now's when I need them most
I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that's what you would have said
*************
I always expect him to just walk around the corner and say, "Hey Abby, what's going on?" Or something like that, but it never happens.
************
I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around?
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you
**************
THE END!
Song-"Still Holding Out For You" by SHeDAISY
By Katie Bencken
An ER Fan Fiction
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters, please don't sue!
AN: This is my first ER fan fiction, so if it's really, really bad, I'm sorry! Oh yeah, I wrote this over a year ago, so take that into account w/ the time!
1 John Carter
It was another one of those days in the ER, when everything seemed to go wrong. I had already lost two patients, one was hit by a car in a hit and run, the young girl was only 12 years old. My other, a heart attack, but I've just got to keep going…I can't let my whole day fall apart at 10:30am when my shift had just started at 6:00 am, c'mon, I still have until 6:00 pm to go!
"Hey Carter, GSW coming in, you want to take it?" Weaver asked me, I really didn't want to, I saw no point! With my luck, I'd loose the person.
"Can I avoid it?" I asked her, Dr. Weaver would sometimes give me a break, especially now, especially when it's so close to that time.
"Yeah, Susan is free. I'll go get her."
"Thanks."
I hate this time of the year; two years ago I celebrated this day like everything was great! Love was wonderful, but then…Valentine's Day was worth celebrating, now I feel as if the day was cursed. I don't find anything 'wonderful' about Valentine's Day anymore; I don't think of it as being associated with love, I find it associated with death. Lately, everyone has been asking me how I am, ever since I lost her; I haven't been good. I never thought that when this time of year rolled around I'd feel this bad, but I do.
I want to see her again; just make sure she's all right. I can't just let her go without checking on her. That's just not ethical. I want to know that she's not in pain. I don't want her hurting, because even though people think I stopped blaming myself for what happened…I still do. If only I had been watching more closely, if only I had made the one call. I should have seen that he was schizophrenic and that people were in danger, it was completely and totally my fault. It's not fair that I died and she lived. I just don't understand it.
"Carter…" It was Abby, Good, someone I can talk to now. I need to talk, and I know Abby's always there for me, "You okay? You look a little out of it today."
"It's her…I just can't get over loosing her." I told her, she probably didn't know how much it hurt, but she had some idea.
"Lucy?" She asked me, it was an innocent question, something expected. I shook my head slowly. I couldn't loose it now. It was February 10, four days before the one-year anniversary of my nightmare, something that I didn't want to experience.
"C'mon, you now get a well deserved break, so do I. You need to just sit down."
We walked together into the Doctors lounge, I'm glad she came by. I need someone to lean on right now. I need to be able to just tell someone how I'm feeling, and Abby's the person I need.
2 Abby Lockhart
When he said he just couldn't get over loosing her, I knew it was Lucy. Lucy was stabbed to death by a schizophrenic patient and Carter was pretty close. He obviously didn't realize one year later would hurt this bad. Even though he had kicked the drug addiction, I knew that this would not be an easy time for him. So I led him into the doctors lounge, sat him down, and got us both some coffee.
"So, you still miss her?"
"Yeah, I never thought that it would be this bad one year later. It still hurts like it did when I first found out." His voice got shaky, and I knew that if he started to cry he'd need someone.
"Listen, I'm going to ask Kerry to let me take you home, you did take a cab this morning, right?"
John just shook his head; I knew that this was incredibly hard for him.
"I'll be right back John, okay?"
"Yeah, I'll wait right here." He was scared; I could see it in his eyes…he didn't want to cry here.
"Okay, you are going to be fine. I know Weaver will let you out."
John just shook his head; I could see the sorrow in his eyes. He was so sad, so vulnerable; I didn't understand everything he was going through, but I understood enough. I walked away, and saw Weaver in exam 2. She walked in.
"Dr. Weaver?"
"What Abby?"
"Can I take Carter home to my place for a while? He's going on about Lucy's death, he needs some time off for a while, just a hour or two."
"Sure, we can hold the place down for a while, just be back in two hours or so. He just needs time away from this place."
"Thanks."
"Sure Abby."
I was relieved that she said yes. I couldn't let Carter just sit here, about to cry. I don't think that that's fair. Nor is it fair that he was almost stabbed to death. I quickly walked out of Exam 2 and into the Doctors' Lounge again where I found Carter sipping his coffee.
"C'mon Carter, I got Kerry's permission, you're coming to my place for about an hour and a half." I watched Carter slowly stand up and walk to me. He stepped out the door and we walked to my car.
The drive was long and silent. For most people, silence like that felt awkward and strange, but he'd helped me, and I'd helped him through several things. We got used to this, and for us, this silence was normal. It gave us a chance to regroup, and get ready to go on with a discussion about almost anything.
When we made it to my apartment, Carter and I got out and went inside, "Sit down, get comfortable. Is there anything I can get you?" He did as he had done at the hospital; he shook his head. No, I told myself, He doesn't want anything. I sat down next to him on the couch.
"Abby,"
"What?"
"It's my fault about Lucy's death, isn't it?" The question came as a total shock. Everyone thought, even myself, that Carter had stopped blaming himself for what happened to Lucy. We were all wrong. Carter still blamed himself, "Abby, isn't it my fault?"
"No, Carter, this isn't your fault."
"I was supposed to watch the med students, not let them be alone with a deadly patient." He started raising his voice, and I figured that I should just let him, "I WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE THINGS WERE OKAY. WITH ONE DAMN CALL, ABBY, ONE CALL I COULD HAVE PREVENTED IT ALL!!" And I watched as he let the tears roll. I slowly took him in my arms and let him sob.
"No matter what you say, it's not your fault." I told him, I told him over and over again. But he didn't listen to me.
"Abby, I'm sorry for acting like such a baby." He told me when he had calmed down.
"John, it's okay. I understand. I will always be here for you, whether you need to cry or yell, or just need someone to sit and listen to you. I'll sit and let you cry on my shoulder. You've been through hell, and I don't want to see any of it happen again." I found that John still had tears in his eyes, so I told him, "And Carter, you do know that with what you've been through, it's okay to cry…right?"
"Yeah, I've been told. But sometimes I don't think I should."
"Listen, I told you if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here. Just come to me. You've helped me with more than I could ever ask for. I'll willingly sit and talk with you."
He looked at me; his deep brown eyes were showing a look of fear, with that look of sorrow that they had shown so often since Lucy died. I watched him, for a while now he had stopped crying. But now, I watched as one tear down the cheek turned into two, then 3, and 4 and so on, until they couldn't stop. I moved a little closer to him, and he just collapsed pretty much into my lap. I just held him as he cried once again, doing something that had to be done.
3 Mark Greene
When I found out that Abby had taken Carter to talk for a while, I was quite glad. He needed to talk with someone. True, the ER was busy at the moment, but Carter's condition affected his patient care. And with Lucy on his mind, well who know what could go wrong. Now don't misunderstand me here, I respect Carter, and I trust him. It's just that he's been through so much, and I think that he needs someone to talk to, and Abby is the person.
We all promised Carter we'd help him through this, and everyone has. We helped him kick the drug addiction, and we found him some relief in loosing Lucy. Although he claims everyday that he's fine, I don't think he really is. That is just my opinion though. I know he still blames himself for Lucy's death; I think everyone knows it. But at least now he can get through a day without breaking down, that's how it was when he first got back, and most of us had to cover for him.
But one year later, it still hurt like it did before. And I feel bad for him. I couldn't imagine the pain he's feeling, but I know that it is hard for him. He lost a friend and a colleague; he lost his med student, someone who he was responsible for. I know; if Carter would have made the call to the psych ward; if he had noticed that the patient was schizophrenic; then maybe Lucy would have been okay. But there were other patients, and we were busy that night.
"Mark, try to keep major traumas away from Carter. Pratt, Chen, Susan, you, and myself will take them." Kerry told me.
"Right Dr. Weaver." I responded to her. Carter really didn't need major. Just minors, that's probably all he can handle, if even that.
I hope Abby is helping Carter, all he needs right now is to cry, not treat patients. He'd already lost two today, that two too many for and person on the ER staff.
Chen walked up to me, "Hey, Mark, multiple GSWs coming in, get your butt in gear!"
"Coming." I replied quickly, I hope Carter doesn't show up too incredibly soon, he can't get himself wrapped up in this.
4 John Carter
As I felt Abby holding me as the tears fell, I knew that everything would be okay. But still, I wanted to get rid of my life right now, it's all too hard. When I was still using narcotics, I'd often think of suicide, and it would have been so easy to get out, just a simple overdose…if only I'd been smart enough to OD then. It could be worse, I could have no one to turn to. But thankfully Abby said she'd always be there.
"Thank you," I said to her.
"For what?" She asked me.
"For just listening to me, for holding me. I just can't stop thinking about Lucy. It's Valentine's Day, and I'm ruining it for you Abby, I'm making you sit here while I cry, this isn't your responsibility."
"Carter, for most of us at County, Valentine's Day isn't worth it anymore. Lucy died and you were pretty close. None of us really want to celebrate it anymore. More or less, I like doing this right now; you need this right now. Don't apologize for needing someone to talk to." She was so sweet, I never realized how this changed everyone's Valentine's Day, I thought it was mainly mine, "C'mon Carter, are comfortable going back to work?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine…but if I break down will you pull me out from everyone's view?"
"Yes, I will." I knew she was sincere; she was sincere and caring. She was a good friend, and I couldn't ask for more.
We got up and walked out the door, we got in her car and drove back to County General's ER, where I would get ready to work and get Lucy out of my mind, at least for a little while. I looked out the window, finally realizing how much there is to live for. I couldn't believe how much of my life had slipped away through this last year. My drug addiction, everything, I watched as everyone lived and I didn't, I knew that it was all going to stop. My life couldn't slip through the cracks anymore; I couldn't let it.
I walked in, and the ER had quieted down, a lot. There were no current multiple traumas, only a few majors that were already being tended to. I would just await the next call. I hadn't had lunch yet, and it was 12:30. I got Weaver's okay and went to the cafeteria.
5 Kerry Weaver
At times, especially right now, I feel sorry for Carter. He's a great guy who's sensitive and caring. But at times, I think he's almost too caring. Lucy was his student, so I can see why he'd feel responsible, but he's not and we've all talked to him about it. He knows that he's not responsible, and no one really understands why he considers that he is.
Oh great, a call…Carter's going to want to take it, and I'm going to let him. He can do this, and I have faith in him, "County, what have ya got?" Good gosh, Carter walk away, don't be neat the admit desk, c'mon…
"32 year old male who OD'd on heroin, we think, he'll need a stomach pump, but that should be it."
"County out."
"I've got it Kerry." I heard Carter say, he went and grabbed a gown and went outside.
6 John Carter
I wanted to be out there, it gives me some time to think. Plus, a stomach pump is never that bad, except for the patient who will sometimes kick and hit, resulting in a black eye for whoever is attempting to help him. The worst thing possible with this would be that the guy has a knife or gun in his pocket and is going to get so pissed that he decides to use it. Wow! Why am I thinking like that? That's just not going to happen, not again.
I heard the sirens screaming towards me; it time to get into action.
I ran over to the ambulance and was automatically filled in on his vitals. He was conscious, so I decided to ask him some questions, "Sir, what did you take?"
"I took heroin."
"How much?"
"I don't know."
"Can you try to guess?"
"I don't know."
I got him in a room, and we moved him onto a gurney, "Sir, we're going to have to pump your stomach, we'll stick a tube down your throat and induce vomiting. It will cause some discomfort." As the tube went down his throat, he started kicking and squirming, someone held down his head, and right as Abby came to hold down the feet, I felt his foot hit me right in the cheek. I saw her grab both legs and get them down, be the arms were still flying around. I stepped back, not wanting a black eye. I didn't see it, but the man reached into his pocket and got something out. When he looked back at me, he was holding a four inch knife out, pretty much ready to strike anything, "Stop the procedure guys," I told them, and thankfully they listened to me, they had just gotten the tube down his throat and secured it, "C'mon buddy, give me the knife. You don't want to hurt anyone." I nodded at Abby; she needed to get out. If he was to hurt anyone, it was to be me, not Abby, "C'mon, give me the knife." I edged a little bit closer to him and he swung the knife at me, he missed, "I'll take out the tube if you just stay still." He nodded his head the best he could. When I went to his head, I saw Dr. Weaver looking in the window. She was scared, just as I was, but now, my worst fear was coming true. I was going through this all again, all over. Only this time, I was by myself.
The only thing that I forgot about, was that the guy didn't have any real restraints on, just people holding him down…and the fact that he still had the knife. As a few more people gathered right outside the room, they could all see what was going on. Kerry was in her gown, probably just in case I almost get killed again, when I finally removed the tube, the guy jumped up, how he got so aware of his surroundings since he OD'd I don't know. He pointed the knife at me, and the next thing I knew, there was a sharp pain in my neck. I felt and there was a pretty deep wound. I fell to the ground; I felt a few more sharp pains along my back, whether he hit my spinal chord I don't know. Then there was constant pain and everything went black. The last thing I remember hearing was someone being read their rights and Kerry calling out my name.
7 Abby Lockhart
I had watched everything through the window, why had he sent me out? Because he didn't want to lose me like he lost Lucy. Oh God, Carter could die, again, on Valentine's Day, of all days. How could this all be happening. Just thirty minutes ago, I held him in my arms and told him it was okay to cry, why weren't we still there? I listened as he told me that Lucy's death was his entire fault, I told him that it was okay, and that it wasn't his fault. Now as I watch the unfolding scene, and Elizabeth running down the stairs along with Benton, I couldn't believe everything that was going wrong with this day. The time I spent with him thirty minutes ago, seems like thirty years now, as I watch Elizabeth run in the room along with Kerry and Benton I want to go in and hold him, tell him everything is okay. But I couldn't, Kerry told me to stay where I was.
As they took his pulse and checked his blood pressure, I felt the tears sting my eyes. Luka came up behind me and slowly put his arm around me, "It's going to be okay Abby. Carter's a fighter, we all know that." I quietly looked back at him and shook my head. Then, I turned back to the unfolding chaos.
He looked so helpless lying there on the floor. I never thought any of us would see him like this again. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes that had been blurring my vision. Luka had to walk away and go to a minor, a young girl who fell at school. He said that Haleh could take it, and I'd agreed. By now, John had lost more blood than I had ever imagined possible. Deb was next to me, watching just as I was. Seeing John lie in a pool of blood that was again his own was so hard. Could he survive this a second time?
They had moved him onto a gurney, and I think it was now that I just let the tears roll down my face. Jing-Mei was also crying. He had been hooked up to a heart monitor, and I then saw, that Kerry had started shocking him. No, he was V-Tac, this couldn't be happening. I didn't want to see this. I turned and went to the bathroom. I just couldn't see him like that anymore. I knew he was in good hands, so I just plain left.
I turned and went to the bathroom. I just couldn't see him like that anymore. I knew he was in good hands, so I just plain left.
8 Luka Kovac
After treating the young girl, I went back to where Abby had been. When I noticed she had left, I turned to Jing-Mei, "Hey, where's Abby?"
"I think she went to the bathroom." She told me.
I nodded in return. Then I saw Abby walk down the hall again. Her eyes were red, she had obviously been crying, and I looked and she still was. She came, and I held her in my arms as best I could, "Abby, we know Carter's a fighter; we all know that, he'll be okay. This will all work out Abby."
"Yeah, but can he survive this again?"
I had no answer for her. They had gotten him back, but now…now if he would stay stable through surgery. That was a very good question.
"I don't know Abby, but we can't just say he won't. Give him a chance, he'll probably come through."
She just cried harder. Kerry ran out of the room, along with Elizabeth and Benton, all pushing the gurney. They were taking him to the OR. Everyone on staff watched with disbelief. Even Mark, I was still holding Abby, neither of us took it as a sign of affection, just as something to comfort one another. She was scared, and all she could do was cry. I just wanted to make this a little easier for her.
Just then, we got word of a Trauma, car accident. Two teens injured, and 1 adult. We all told Abby that there were enough people to handle it without her, and everyone else got to work. Abby just sat down and watched and waited for Kerry. Then she could find out John's prognosis.
8.1 Abby Lockhart
When I saw Kerry coming down the hall, I immediately stood and looked at her, "Abby," she approached me. The sound in her voice told me something was wrong, "He'll probably live, but we don't know if he'll have any function of his legs." It took me by surprise, I figured it was live or die, not something in between, but this was. His life was spent here, in the ER, not in a wheelchair, "I'm sorry Abby."
I stood, trying to fully comprehend what she was saying, "What do you mean by 'He'll probably live,'"
"Nothings for sure yet Abby. If you want the rest of the day off, I'd understand. We've got enough people right now."
"Thanks Dr. Weaver." I told her, and then I walked up to the surgery ward and sat in one of the chairs.
I didn't care what was going on down in the ER, I wasn't there today, I didn't need it. After a few hours I saw Dr. Corday walk out of the OR, "Elizabeth, how is he?" Her stare told me that something was terribly wrong, whether Carter lived or not was a question only she could answer. I took the word probably when Kerry told me as more than likely. Now I think that it meant probably not.
"Abby, I don't know how to tell you this, or anyone else for that matter," She stopped, and it hadn't quite hit me yet, "Carter…Carter…Carter died." I stared at her in disbelief, I had just held him in my arms, listened to him as he cried, let him yell at me. He wasn't dead, he didn't die, it was a impossible.
"Elizabeth, that wasn't very funny, now really, how is Carter?"
"Abby, I wasn't joking, Carter didn't make it."
It seemed like the world stopped, I couldn't believe what I was hearing, dead? Carter? This was all too much to comprehend, "I should probably go tell everyone…"
"If you don't want to, I can."
"No, I will…I can't sit here anymore." I got up and walked away, I felt the tears stinging my eyes, and I wiped them away. Why?? Why'd this happen to Carter? He had made it once, why couldn't he be strong enough to make it again?
When I got on the floor, I just looked around, "What's wrong Abby?" I heard Kerry ask me.
"He…He…He didn't make it." I flat out told her.
Kerry just looked at me like I was a fool, "You're not joking, are you?"
"No. I'm not." I started to walk away.
"Susan, Carter…Carter…He didn't make it."
"Oh my God, are you kidding?"
"No."
It went on for about twenty minutes before I came to Luka, "Luka," I started, "I have some not so great news."
"What??"
"Luka, Carter…Carter…he died." I lost it, I cried for the first time since I'd found out. I felt arms holding me tight, and heard a deep voice with a Croatian accent telling me it would be okay.
As I was held in arms, I knew that others were crying too. I could tell that it was Susan, and I heard Mark crying quietly near by, "Why couldn't he make it twice Luka, WHY?" I asked him, and cried harder. It took me about twenty minutes to regain my composure, and during that time, Luka had managed to get me into the Doctors' Lounge. We sat down and he held me closer than before. People came in and out of the lounge during that time, over and over again.
I remember Mark kneeling down next to me, and patting me on the back, "Abby, he had a good life, he had made it once. I know, it'll be hard, for all of us for a while. But he wouldn't want this."
"But it was Valentine's Day." I told him, "I wouldn't celebrate it anyway, but now, now it really is a day of death. First Lucy, and now Carter."
"I know Abby, I know." Mark reassured me. I was still in Luka's arms; crying and wishing that it would all go away.
Why this was so hard for me, I didn't know. I was the only one sobbing; I was the only one who still needed comfort. And I felt like a fool.
8.2 Luka Kovac
As I held Abby in my arms, I myself wanted to cry. Sure, Carter and I didn't always get along very well, but still…he was a friend and colleague. When I saw him in a pool of blood on the floor, I didn't know why any of this was happening. But right now I have to be strong for Abby. True, we aren't dating anymore, but she came to me when she was in need of comfort this time, and I intend on helping her.
"Shh, Abby this'll all work out. It's okay. Shhh." I reassured her the best I could. But I knew nothing would make it better for her, nothing.
8.3 Abby Lockhart
I just sat near Luka even after I had stopped crying. It was all too much to take.
************
Never thought I'd be in this place
It's someone else's life I'm living
Wish I were living a lie
The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn't kiss me good-bye
I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say
And pray I get the chance one day
*************
I went home later that day and took a shower, the warm water felt nice against my skin; I then collapsed on my bed and within moments fell asleep.
*************
I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around?
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you
***********
The next morning I got up and went to work. Still wondering why this all happened to Carter. There was a sort of sadness that had come over the ER, for most of the staff. You usually don't experience that here.
***********
I can hear you smile in the dark
I can even feel you breathing
But daylight chases the ghosts
I see your coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I'm clinging
Now's when I need them most
I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that's what you would have said
*************
I always expect him to just walk around the corner and say, "Hey Abby, what's going on?" Or something like that, but it never happens.
************
I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around?
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you
**************
THE END!
Song-"Still Holding Out For You" by SHeDAISY