This takes place right after chapter 17, and during chapter 18 (part 1), of my main story, The Door in the Tree (which itself takes place after Bloodlines). I tried to make this story kinda-stand-alone, but I think it makes more sense if you are reading the main story. I guess all you need to know if you want to read this as a stand-alone is that Adrian is freaking out from spirit-darkness overload, and it's impacting Jill in a big way.
Stay With Me
I won't make another mistake.
That's the most important thing right now. I can't make another mistake.
She got away from me at the volleyball game, saying she'd be right back, and now I'm going to find her before something bad happens again. It's taking some self-control to not just break out into a full run in order to find her faster. But self-control is my specialty, and I keep it to a brisk walk. If people see me running around campus at my full Dhampir speed, they might question it. People question me too much as it is. I won't allow it.
I pause on the walkway between the volleyball courts and the dorm area. It's so hot and the air is so humid... I close my eyes and open every other sense, searching the wind for a trail of her scent. I smell the rain on its way, and the sweat of dozens of humans, but there's no Jill. Her scent always stands out in the air to me, like highlighted words on a page of gray text. It's sweet, fresh, and alive, like her. And right now I can't find it. Why did I let her go? I should have made her stay with me.
As I walk, I run into Richard, a guy I know from the football team. I come up with an instinctive plan the moment I see him. I grab his arm, smiling, and ask if I can borrow his car. His eyes dilate a little, and I can smell the fear rising in him. His smile is nervous as he hands me the keys and tells me where the car is. He must have heard about my run-in with Bryan yesterday, but that's fine. Just fine. Let them fear me a little. They'll stay away from Sydney, and they'll stay away from Jill. I thank Richard for the keys and watch as he almost runs away from me down the walk.
My phone buzzes and I look down to see a text from Sydney. "I'm going to his apartment. Jill is very upset. I think she's going to her dorm." I don't waste time with a reply. There's no time to waste.
My mind runs through the scenario I'll have to deal with as my body runs down the path to Jill's dorm. The outlook isn't favorable. When Adrian sees Sydney on a good day he loses emotional control. And now with the spirit-darkness taking hold of him, Jill will be taken away by his feelings, like a leaf in a tornado. They didn't teach us in guardian training how to overcome spirit-darkness-by-proxy in our charges. But even so, I have to get to Jill and protect her. I have to get to her before the bomb goes off in Adrian's heart.
I find Jill sitting on a bench near the front door of her dorm. She is bending over so that her long curly hair is hiding her face, and I see that her flip-flops are on the ground a few feet away from her. She is wearing one of those really loose shirts that girls are all wearing these days, in a bright blue color that looks nice against her pale skin, and one perfect pale shoulder shows where the loose collar has slipped halfway down her arm. Her tiny pair of jeans shorts is almost completely covered by the shirt, giving the impression that maybe she has no shorts on at all. I try not to stare. I try not to think about her with no shorts on. And then... I try really hard not to imagine her with no shirt on either.
I approach her. "Hey, Jill," I say, in the most normal voice I can muster. "You know, I was thinking, let's get away from this place for a bit."
She looks up and I see that her green eyes are full of tears. "My feet hurt," she tells me. "See? They're bleeding."
I kneel in front of her, remembering the first time we really spoke. I had found her crying in a quiet spot in the grounds at Court just a few hours after Lissa's coronation, and we had ended up talking for an hour or so. I had knelt in front of her then, and brushed the hair out of her face. Now, I do the same thing, meeting her eyes, before I look down and examine her bare feet. As always, they're perfect, if a little dirty. "They're fine," I tell her. "Your feet aren't bleeding. You're fine."
She gives me a look that I have never seen before on her, a sly smile that makes my heart lurch. "Kiss 'em and make 'em better," she says. My pulse rate increases, and I sternly tell myself to stay calm. She's not flirting with me. She's full of spirit-darkness and it's affecting her decision making process. I have to keep her safe. I have to not let anyone see her like this. I have to make sure she doesn't hurt herself.
I take her feet in my hands and rub them gently, one at a time. I do not let myself stare at her long, perfect legs. "You're fine," I say. "I'll get your flip-flops. I want to take you somewhere nice for a little bit, to relax."
"My feet are bleeding," she says again, plaintively this time. "Make 'em better."
I look around. There's no one anywhere nearby. I scan nearby windows, considering issues of lines-of-sight, and decide that a tree behind the bench blocks visual access sufficiently to prevent people from seeing us. I bend forward quickly and kiss the top of each foot, then say, "You're better now. Come on." I hand her her flip-flops.
"Oh! You're right! I am all better!" she says, leaping to her feet and putting the sandals on. "Thanks, Eddie." She gives me that smile like a flower blooming and my heart goes into my throat again.
That smile again takes me back to our first talk at court. She hadn't known me well, but she had still reached out to me with such open, sweet kindness when she had sensed that, in my own way, I had been as sad as she was. After that, we had kept running into each other, and the more I got to know her, the more I got to like her and finally start to feel a lot more than just friendship. The day that she almost died, I realized in that awful moment just how much I loved her. She is the most honest, most unassuming person I know, so willing to try new things and so quick to pick them up, and so genuinely kind that her presence seems to give air and light to a room. Even after I failed her that awful day and she... was gone for a moment... she forgave me, still quietly put in a request, via Lissa, for me to be her guardian. And the most amazing thing is that she has no idea of how beautiful she is, or how much of an effect she has on me, or any of the other dozen of guys who would cut off an arm just to be near her.
All these thoughts go through my mind in an instant, as I look at that sweet smile. But then her expression changes as the spirit grabs hold of her again.
"Where are you going to take me?" she says, wobbling a little on her feet, her smile sly and flirtatious again. She giggles. " 'Take me'..." she repeats, and gives me that smile.
Something deep inside of me stirs at her words and her expression, and I try to calm it. She isn't herself. My job now is to be her guardian and friend. Not... anything else. I take her by the arm in a way that I hope looks 'brotherly' and begin leading her down to the parking lot. "Come on, Jill," I say. "I have a car. We're going somewhere you'll like."
"What's the point?" she says, vaguely. "There's nowhere I like. Eventually all the cars will rot and earth will be covered in their rusty frames."
I swallow heavily and pat Jill's arm. "It's ok," I say to her. "I promise."
"Sydney is going to Adrian," Jill says as we walk. "She told me that. Why isn't she here yet? I've been calling out for her all day. Doesn't she hear me?"
"Jill," I say. "You're Jill. You're not Adrian. Stay with me."
She looks at me. "Oh," she says, and then runs her fingers through her hair in agitation. "I'm sorry that I'm acting weird. Am I acting weird? I think I might be, because of the feelings coming from Adrian, because they're confusing me and sometimes I feel like I'm in two places at once and I forget who I am, and everything is dark and awful." She takes a deep breath. "It's going to rain, don't you think? I think it is. I can feel all the water in the sky."
I look up and see the fat gray clouds. They hide the sunset, but are sort of fascinating in their own right. "I think it'll rain, yes."
We walk quietly until we get to the parking lot. I keep my hand on her arm, like a guardian would. Like a brother would. Like a boyfriend would...
"Which one?" she asks, gesturing to the cars.
I lead us to a red Corvette sitting to one side, under a tree. I unlock it with Richard's keys and we get in.
"Where are we going?" she asks as we get settled.
"You'll see," I say, starting the engine. "It's only a few minutes away." The air in the car is hot, almost unbearably so, and I open all the windows with controls in the armrest.
"This is a nice car," she says as we exit the parking lot.
"It is," I say. I am aware that a lot of men would be proud to be at the wheel of a car like this with a girl like Jill in the passenger's seat. Moroi men, especially. Maybe some Ozera cousin, with enough Dragomir blood to technically "count" as part of Lissa's family, will come along and sweep Jill off her feet. That would be appropriate, I know, but the idea of Jill with one of those stuck-up Moroi makes me itch. She needs someone gentle, who pays attention to her, and loves her.
I look over at her, and almost wish I hadn't. She's staring at me with those huge green eyes, an expression of admiration on her face. She is so beautiful that it's hard to believe that she's a real person. "Where did you get this car?" she asks. She seems almost lucid now, and I let hope build in me that as long as I keep her distracted, I'll keep her here, in her own body. I'll keep her with me.
"I stole it," I tell her.
She giggles. "No you didn't! You have the keys!"
"What else am I going to do? Hotwire it?"
"Do you know how to hotwire a car?"
"Well, actually, yeah, I know how to," I say. "I never had to."
"But you can?"
"Yes," I say.
"You're a badass," she says. I glance over at her and she's still staring at me.
"I'm a guardian," I answer, as I turn into a side road. Technically, that's not quite true. I have my promise mark, but no real status at court. But I will earn my guardian status back again, I'm sure of it. I just have to stop making mistakes.
"Will you always be my guardian?" she asks. "Even when they repeal the stupid family law thing and I'm not important anymore?"
"You'll always be important," I say. "And I'll be your guardian for as long as they let me." As I say that, I wonder what I'll do if they reassign me. Images flash through my head of me going rogue, Rose-style. But I can't do that. I'm not Rose. Things don't work out for me like they do for her. It's just the way it is.
She sighs. "I feel so weirrrrrrd," she drawls. She puts her seat back all the way until she's almost lying down. I glance at her quickly and see that she has stretched her arms up, and her movement has pulled the fabric of her shirt up, exposing most of her mid-section. I pull my eyes back to the road. "Everything hurts," she says. "Are you sure that my feet aren't bleeding? I keep thinking they are."
"They're not. I promise. They're perfect." I don't look at her. I can't. If I look at her again, I might crash into a tree or something.
"I don't have perfect feet. I don't have perfect anything. Stop staying that."
"You have perfect everything," I say, then restrain the urge to clap my hand over my mouth. I try to focus on driving and hope that in her state, she won't notice that I said something so openly admiring.
"I wish you wouldn't say that," she says.
I want to ask her what's so wrong with being perfect, but I don't. I just say, "We're almost there."
We turn down a long winding driveway, and the end of which we can see a huge mansion, and Jill lets out a gasp of surprise. "Who lives here?" she asks.
"The Brownell family," I answer.
"Oh," she answers. "Do we know them?"
"No," I answer. I park the car out of view from the street, behind a row of trees. "But I heard that they have a huge pool and that they're on vacation."
"You really are a badass," she says as we get out of the car, and then lets out a gasp of surprise. "There's someone unlocking the door," she says. For a moment, I'm worried that there's someone at the door of the mansion, and then I see the look in her eyes. She isn't here with me at all.
"Adrian's door?" I ask.
"It's Sydney," she says, her face lighting up. "Oh, I'm so happy." Immediately, her face crumples, becoming completely furious. "I'm so angry! Why is she here?" She bends down and picks up a few rocks and throws them with great force at the trees, all the time continuing to rant. "Why didn't she come sooner? She should leave! She can't see me like this!" Then she lunges at one of the trees and hits its trunk a few times with her bare hands.
I grab her as quickly as I can and hold her close to me as her arms flail. "You're Jillian Mastrano," I say to her, speaking in her ear so she has to hear me. "Do you remember who you are?"
"Let me go," Jill wails, her tone and attitude changing constantly. "I have to break things. I'm so angry! I'm so happy! What if she leaves? I have to make her stay!" She begins pounding on my chest, trying to get me to let her go.
"Your mother is named Emily," I say, insistently. "You used to go to St. Vladamir's. You are a water user and your favorite color is purple. You like pears better than apples." She begins to quiet down, letting out incoherent mutters rather than shouts. "You giggle at knock-knock jokes," I murmur. "You are kind to strangers. You can turn a glass of water into a cannonball. You can hold your own in a courtroom full of horrible royal snobs. You amaze me. Stay here with me, Jill. Remember who you are."
She grows still. I hold her tight.
"I'm sorry," she says, her voice muffled by my body. "I know who I am. Really." The arms she had been using to hit me with come up to wrap around my waist. She turns her head to one side and rests her head on my shoulder, then leans on me. And... the world pauses. I love that she's tall enough that we are almost face to face. I breathe in the scent of her hair. She's so warm against me, and it's so hot outside. I can feel the faint sheen of sweat on her skin and I kind of... like it.
I have to let go, I tell myself. Come on, let go on the count of three. One... two... three... four... five... I try again. One... two... three... oh, goddamn it.
But then a flash of lightening in the distance wakes me from my stupor. I let Jill go and step away, and she looks at me in surprise, as if I've said something rude. "Come on," I say, pulling my lips into a smile. "Let's find the pool. It's supposed to be really nice. Some kids went to a party here a few years back, and one of them told me about it the other day." The exact words that Dave had used were, "I should totally take that hot chick from my bio lab there and bang her while the family's out of town." I hate it when guys talk that way about girls.
Jill nods at my suggestion, but says nothing. Thunder crashes as we begin walking around to the back of the house. When we get to the pool, she grabs my arm in surprise. The whole set-up is pretty amazing. At one end of the pool there's a natural looking waterfall, and the area is surrounded by lush plant life that must require an army of gardeners to maintain. There's also a seating area off to the side, almost hidden by a bamboo-thatched canopy.
Jill takes a hesitant step forward, but I hold her back, pointing out a security camera aimed towards the pool area. I pick up a rock, planning to throw it at the camera, but then Jill takes my arm. She gives me one of those sly smiles that so unnerve me, and then waves her hand lazily towards the pool. As if blown by an unseen wind, the waterfall begins to flow upwards, and then rushes towards the camera, knocking it off its perch. Then the water recedes and the waterfall returns to normal. I look at Jill in amazement. "You're a bad-ass too," I say to her. She gives me a dazzling bright smile, so like the normal Jill. It occurs to me that since her water magic is something that she doesn't share with Adrian, it might be a good idea to encourage her to use it more right now. It might help keep her in her own body and her own mind.
We walk toward to the pool, and just as we do, another flash of lightening brightens the sky. The thunder is still far behind it, but swimming is out of the question. Still, Jill takes off her flip-flops and dips her feet in the pool, one a time.
"It'll rain soon," Jill says, dreamily. "I like the rain. It hardly ever rains here."
We walk over to the seating area at the side of the pool. It's rectangular, with sunken area in the middle, essentially creating long benches that run along each side. There are soft pillows everywhere, and the roof above us looks waterproof from inside, though from the outside it looks more like a hut. I can picture everything from elegant weddings to wild keggers in a place like this. Jill and I sit on a cushioned bench looking out over the water, commenting on how pretty all the flowers and plants are.
"My feet," she says suddenly. "This hurts! See?" She swings herself around so that her feet are in my lap. "They hurt."
"I'll help you," I say, as a tear runs down her face. "It'll be ok." What has Adrian done to himself? I massage her feet, trying to get her to feel her own feelings, not Adrian's. "Here. Can you feel this? Your own feet? Concentrate on your own feet. You're ok. It won't hurt if you just focus on yourself. Stay with me, Jill."
She sniffs. "I don't understand. It hurts so much."
"Am I helping at all?" I ask, trying not to sound too desperate. I have to be helping her. That is my only job.
"You're helping so much," she says. "It feels better with the shards out."
Then all of a sudden, just as lightening flashes through the sky, she rolls forward and almost falls onto me, then moves to straddle me. She stares me down, both of her hands on my shoulders. I feel frozen. If this were a Strigoi I'd know what to do. I can handle Strigoi more easily than I can handle the way Jill makes me feel. No other girl has ever affected me this way. Ever. I don't move a muscle, not even when thunder crashes, nearer this time.
She's looking at me. Those eyes... She leans forward so that her face is right by mine and then she actually licks my cheek. It's such a strange thing for her to do, but even so, it sends a shiver of delight through me. Some part of me cries out for her to do it again, but I put my hands on my shoulders and push her away slightly. "Jill," I say. "You're Jill. Wake up."
"I'm sorry, Eddie," she says, confused, like someone waking from a dream. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that." She climbs off of me and sits down on the cushions again, looking embarrassed.
"Come on," I say, trying to keep my tone light. "Let's play with the water. Can you make shapes with it?"
She smiles and waves at the water. A large uppercase J rises up from the pool water, shimmers, spins, and then drops into the pool again. "Like that?"
"That was cool," I say. "You're really improving your control. Hmm... Let's make a bet, ok?"
"A bet?"
"Yes. If you can make each letter in the alphabet with the water, all in a row, I'll... I'll take you to see that stupid movie you want to see." I send up a silent prayer to a God I don't quite believe in: Please. Let this work. Let her magic save her from his.
"If we go, will you root for Edward, not Jacob?" she asks, with a shy smile.
"I can't promise that," I say, and she giggles.
She focuses her energy on the water. "A," she says, making the A in the air, then, adds, in a chanting rhythm: "A my name is Alice and my husband's name is Alex. We live in Alabama and we like to eat apples." Then, as I watch, the water changes shape in the air, becoming a B. "Your turn," she says.
"My turn?"
"Just think of a guy's name, a girl's name, a place, and a food, with your letter. You're B."
"B my name is Bill. My wife's name is Bill-ene."
"That's not a real name!" she says, smiling. The B still shimmers in the air.
"We live in Billopolis and we eat... burgers," I finish. "What do you do when you get to like, Q, with this game?"
She giggles. "The worst is X. Anyway, I'm C." The water changes shape as lightening flashes. "C my name is Clare and my husband's name is Clark." Thunder crashes again, and Jill jumps a little. The storm is very close now. "Um, we live in... California... and we eat... curry." She runs her fingers through her hair, but she doesn't speak again. I go to high alert.
"Am I D, then?" I ask her, trying to keep her in the game. She nods, and the letter changes obediently in mid-air. "D my name is David," I say, "and my wife's name is... Davida. We live in Disneyland and we eat ducks."
I expect her to say that Disneyland isn't a place that you can live, even hope that she'll say it, but she doesn't. She says, in a quiet tone: "E my name is … Eve. And my husband's name is..." She looks at me suddenly. The E shakes in the air and bits of it begin to vaporize. "My husband's name is Eddie," she says in a voice that hardly sounds like her. "We... We explode, mainly. That's what we do." Lightening flashes just overhead, and thunder crashes just a few seconds after it. The E vaporizes completely and the mist rises up towards the billowing clouds.
I have only rarely seen a Moroi move as quickly as Jill does right now. One second she's staring at the pool, and the next, she's on top of me. Her look is so frankly hungry that a thrill of terror goes through me. What kind of hunger is this? Is she going to try to drain me and turn herself Strigoi? And somewhere deep inside of me, a thought starts, quiet but persistent, like a distant car alarm when you want to sleep: It would be a wonderful way to go...
I try to put the thought away and look into her brilliant green eyes. "Jill," I say.
"I'm a vampire," she says to me. "Did you know that?"
"Jill," I say. "Jillian. Stay with me. Stay here with me. Don't go to Adrian's head."
"I didn't," she says, in that same husky tone. "I didn't go anywhere. You came here. You found the key I left out for you."
"Jill," I say again. "It'll be ok. It'll be fine, just remember who you are." She has me pinned, and the only way I can see to remove her is to use force. I can't bring myself to do that. Maybe I just want to stay pinned.
"I know," she says. "Do you know who I am?" She leans down and again licks me, this time on the neck. I shiver everywhere, overcome with both fear and hope. The hope disgusts me.
I tell myself that I will master this. I tell myself that the time in Spokane didn't change me forever. And I am more than my body, more than my persistent longing for the bite, more than just a man in love. I am also a guardian. I am my own will. I will not let her confuse me like this.
But oh... it's Jill. She leans so close to me. Her lips are so close to mine that all I'd have to do is purse slightly and we'd be kissing.
"Jill," I say. "You have to... I mean, I'm sorry but..."
"I'm a monster," she whispers.
"Jill," I say, feeling almost as helpless as I did the day she died. "You're not a monster. You're an angel. You're Jill. Do you know who you are?"
"I'm too many people today," she says. "You're too many people, too."
"I'm Eddie," I remind her. "You're Jill, and I'm Eddie."
"That's good," she says. "I like Eddie." Then suddenly she springs up and away from me, crying. "I'm not good enough for you," she says.
"You're wonderful," I say. I am too overcome by the misery in her voice to watch my words. "You're beautiful and kind. You have a light that fills a room."
She sits down on the cushioned bench, then bends over, her face in her hands. "Eddie," she sobs. "Eddie, I'm so confused. Everything is so dark and I'm so alone."
I can't help it. She needs me. I put my arms around her and pull her to me, then allow myself to stroke her hair. "Stay with me," I murmur. "You're Jill Mastrano. You're not Adrian. You're a wonderful person. Stay here..." Lightening and thunder hit at almost the same time overhead, and a few drops of rain hit the canopy over us.
"Eddie," she says, her voice a sob. Then she stares up at me, and her expression is filled with so much feeling I don't know how to react. All of a sudden, she lunges for me again, surprising me with a kiss. It's so passionate, so intense. It is everything I wanted from her but knew I shouldn't want. I know, deep down, that we are probably just re-enacting another kiss happening somewhere else, but... oh God. I have wanted this.
She pushes me against the cushions, straddling me again. Her gentle weight on top of me is an amazing thing. She's so light, so taut. When she pulls at my shirt, I help her pull it off me. If this is what she needs to get her through this time, she can have it. She can have me. She can take whatever she needs from me. We continue to kiss as she runs her hands over my chest, then digs her fingernails into my back. I want her to. I want her to dig even harder. I try to keep control of myself, only putting half of what I feel into this, afraid I'll hurt her, afraid I'll scare her.
Oh, but then... Then she brings her mouth to my neck, kissing and then biting me gently. She isn't using her fangs, but still, the feeling is exquisite, somewhere between torture and delight. I hold myself as still as I can. This is heaven and hell in one moment – Jill kissing me. Someone kissing my neck. Jill kissing my neck. And, oh God. Jill biting my neck.
The feeling of teeth on my neck has set me on edge ever since Spokane and... what that Strigoi did. The way I was left helpless, like a puppet on a string, from the bites... It's intolerable to think of now. The degradation. The failure. The few times I kissed girls since Spokane I always told them to stay away from my neck. Jill is the only one I can imagine even coming near it. I'll do anything for her, let her touch me, kiss me, anywhere she wants. But my neck... no. I fear and want it too much. I pull away, shaking. "Not my... not my neck, please, Jill."
She looks at me as if she can't understand my words, but then gets a wicked grin and begins kissing my shoulders, and my chest, and then follows the center line of my abs down to my navel, then lower. Her fingers clutch at my belt and I try to nudge her away. She looks me in the eye as she she undoes a loop of the belt. She has never looked at me like this before. It's as if she's trying to drown me with her eyes.
I try to pull myself together. It takes harsh mental medicine. Spokane, I remind myself. Mason. Terasov. Victor. The attack at Court. That asshole, Lee. I have made so many mistakes, and while there is nothing I can do about how I feel about Jill, I can try to do right by her in this moment. Kissing is one thing. I won't let it go any further.
I pick her up bodily, put her down on her back on the cushions, and then pin her with my own weight. I kiss her passionately, hoping to distract her somewhat. And oh... if kisses distract her, I want to distract her for a long, long time. I'm not letting all my feelings come out in the kiss – I'm trying to keep some control – but even half of what I feel for her is plenty intense. She leans into the kiss and her fingers clutch at my back again. I go for her neck. She leans back to give me better access. I've had a bit of practice at this, and I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it. Soon she's making those animal noises that girls sometimes make when you kiss them just right. I didn't ever think I would hear Jill making those noises. I didn't think I would ever be the one causing them. The astonished smile on her face when I pull away from her makes me feel about ten feet tall. Then she grabs my face with both hands and presses her mouth to mine again.
Her body arches up towards me, and we move together in a gentle rhythm that I know is wrong, almost as wrong as it would be to let her undo my fly. I can feel the blood draining from the rest of my body and flowing to just one part of me. I'm lost for a while, just kissing her, letting her run her hands over my upper body. I try to draw my strength together enough to speak, but all I can say is her name. She focuses on me for a second, then says the sweetest word I've ever heard: "Eddie."
When I hear that, I know that she's here with me, at least enough to know who I am. At least all this is sort of working. I kiss her again and run my hands over her arms. Her skin is so soft, so silky. It reminds me of the satin edge on a blanket I had as a child. I can't seem to stop this, can't stop kissing and touching her, and I hope that she'll forgive me for this someday, as she forgave me for not seeing what a creep Lee was, as she forgave me for letting her die. Maybe compared to those transgressions, this will seem like a minor sin.
And then, I fade away for a while. For a long time it's just Jill and me, the only sounds in the hut our breathing and quiet wordless murmurs as the rain falls overhead. Her shirt disappears somehow, and the sweat on our bodies mingles. For the first time in months, I forget about Lee. I forget about court. I forget about Terasov. I forget about Spokane. I forget all those awful mistakes I've made, as I sink into this, the most glorious, unbelievable, and insurmountable of mistakes. This mistake erases all the others from my mind. I want to keep making it for as long as I can.
When I come back to myself, I notice that rain has eased up on the roof, and that our kisses have become softer and sweeter. We stop for a moment, our eyes locking. Something in me freezes in fear as I realize how badly I have lost control. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, planning to pull away from her, but when I open my eyes, I just fall right into hers again. I can't move, except to gently stoke her hair back from her face. Her hair is so soft, so wild.
Then her whole body stiffens. "Eddie!" she whispers, and her eyes dilate. I have no idea what's happening to her, so I just hold her as tightly as I can. "Oh," she says, sighing, and looks at me again. "It stopped," she says. "The darkness is gone. He's ok now. I'm ok. She... healed us, I think."
Sydney healed Adrian? How could that have happened? As I am wondering this, Jill leans in to kiss me again. I summon every scrap of will-power to pull away from her.
"I'm glad you're ok now," I say, standing up. "We should probably head back to Amberwood." I look out at the pool, not able to look at her, still in just her bra and those tiny shorts. Just a few minutes ago I was touching her waist, her thighs. How could I have lost control so completely?
"Let's stay here," she says. She comes up behind me and rests her chin on my shoulder, her arms around my waist. She murmurs in my ear. "Just for a little while. I want to stay here. Stay with me. We can just talk and stuff. We should figure out what we're going to do."
"Do?" I say. I know I should take a step forward, out of her grasp, but ohhhhhhh... I can't.
"What are we going to do now that... this happened. I mean, we can't exactly date openly at Amberwood, but you know, I think we can figure something out if we're careful." She sighs happily and squeezes me tight. "I sort of wondered if this would ever happen, I mean, we've been hanging out so much and for a few months now I've been feeling... well, like this. But I couldn't tell for sure if you liked me like that. I thought maybe you did, but then I thought maybe you didn't, because you didn't think of me that way." She kisses my cheek. "Now I know you do." She giggles.
There is a long silence. The rain is very soft on the canopy now.
"Eddie?" she says. "Are you ok?"
"This shouldn't have happened," I say finally, stepping away from her and still looking out towards the pool. "You were just under the influence of the spirit-bond, and you didn't know what you were doing. You probably still are feeling its side effects. We should get out of here. We should get back to Amberwood."
"Eddie," she says again, and puts a soft hand on my face, turning me to look at her. "I wouldn't have kissed just anyone like that. No matter what Sydney and Adrian were doing. Yes, I... felt things through the bond. But that's not the only reason I kissed you."
"I was the only person around," I said. "I'm sorry. I thought I was protecting you."
"It's not like that at all," Jill said. "If I had had everyone on earth to pick from, I still would have picked you." My heart lurched again. She couldn't mean that. "You're... Eddie. When everyone else was worried about Lissa that horrible day at court, you were worried about me. Ever since the first time we really talked, you've always taken me seriously when almost everyone else treated me like a little sister. You teach me self-defense when other people tell me I'm too weak, or just a girl, or just a Moroi. I know I can trust you with anything. I think that you're my best friend in the world. And you're..." Her smile turns a little shy. "You're really, really, really hot." She looks down at the floor for a moment, then back up at me, a blush spreading over her cheeks but her eyes still defiant.
I wonder if she can actually see my heart beating in my chest. For a moment, my resolve balances on a knife's edge in my mind. I could just reach for her. She's standing there, telling me how much she cares for me, that she actually... wants to be with me. Like That. But if I let our relationship build into an actual romance, then I won't be able to do my job properly. And anyway, she can't really mean it, can she? She might have a little crush, but it's just because I'm her guardian, or because of the confusing feelings coming through the bond. The feelings would fade fast, on her end, anyway. I set my will. I won't let this happen.
I reach for my shirt to put it back on, and feel her eyes on me as I slip the shirt over my head. "We have to go back to Amberwood," I say again, and find her shirt on the floor. I pass it to her, then face away from her, looking towards the pool. I cannot look at her right now. If I look at her I'll lose all my resolve.
"What is going on?" she asks, sounding surprised now. "Did I do something wrong?"
"Of course not," I said, looking back at her so that I can reassure her a little. "I did. I let the situation get out of control, and I apologize."
"Out of control?" She sinks down on one of the chairs.
"Yes. I should have controlled the situation better," I say.
"Do you have to control everything?" she asks, her voice almost a whisper. "Some things can't be controlled. Some things shouldn't be controlled."
"I should at least be in control of myself," I say. "I'm sorry."
"You know something?" she says, standing up again and moving closer to me. Her tone and expression are defiant. "I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry I kissed you. I'd only be sorry if you're sorry, like, really sorry, not just 'oh I'm being a bad guardian' sorry. Like, really sorry because you didn't like kissing me. Otherwise I wouldn't be sorry at all, because I liked it." This all comes out in a rush that is characteristic of her, but her assurance and passion are new to me. I open my mouth to speak, but she cuts me off. "I know maybe I should be sorry because you're a little older than me and kind of my guardian and stuff, but three years isn't a big deal, I mean Dimitri is like, seven years older than Rose, so really, it's not a big deal, and all I know is, if you're not sorry then I'm not sorry, because if Sydney can have Adrian then maybe it's like, why can't I have you? Because I..." She trails off. Then, turning as red as a Moroi can, she adds quietly, "...I want you."
Gently, hesitantly, she puts her hand on my face again. I can't bring myself to move an inch. "I'm not usually like this," she says. "I mean, like what we were just doing, how I was? I'm never like that. But maybe if it's with you I wouldn't mind... being like that." And then she kisses me, and I just can't push her away. I lean into the kiss. I love the taste of her, the pressure of her hands on my bare back. She bends slightly then to kiss my neck. She opens her mouth. I feel the pressure of her tongue, and the slight scrape of her fangs...
I know that she probably doesn't remember me asking her not to kiss my neck. But that doesn't stop me from shuddering and pulling away. I move so far from her that I step out of the gazebo, into the rain. I look back at her and the look on her face breaks my heart. She doesn't understand. But the delight, the terror, the loss of self that waits in her arms, in her eyes, and at the end of her fangs – it's not for me. I will not lose control. I am more than this. "We have to go," I say again, as the rain begins to dampen my hair and my shirt. "Let's go."
"I don't understand," she says. "And you're getting wet. Come back inside."
"I can't," I say. "Please understand, Jill. I just can't. Come on. Let's go back to the car."
She lifts up a hand and I realize that she's keeping the rain from falling on me. The raindrops begin to congeal about a foot above me, making a shimmering roof over my head. Mia, the only other water user I know well, has nothing on Jill's current power levels. Or on her kissing skills, for that matter. "Can we talk in the car then?" Jill asks. "I don't understand. What are we going to do now?"
"We're going back," I say.
"No, I mean, us, I mean, together... I thought that since this happened, we'd be sort of... together now?"
"Come on," I say. "Let's go back to the car."
"We won't be?"
"It's complicated, Jill," I answer.
"No it's not. Either you meant that, or your didn't. Did you mean it? When you kissed me?" Her eyes are filling with tears.
"Of course I did," I say. "I was happy to be there for you. You needed someone. I'll always be there for you."
"I need you now, though," she says. "Come back inside."
"That's different," I say.
"It's not," she says. "You said always. That would include right now. What is happening, Eddie? I thought..."
"Jill," I say. "We really have to go."
"What did you mean, then?" she asks. "What did you mean that I 'needed someone'? I needed someone... to make out with? Is that what you meant?"
"You needed someone to keep you grounded," I say. "I wanted to help you stay away from the spirit-darkness."
"So you made out with me," she says. And suddenly she lets go of all the water that was over my head. It lands on me with a splash. I wipe water out of my eyes as she stomps by me, putting her shirt on as she walks. I notice with admiration the way that the raindrops seem to make way for her, like she's creating a tunnel through them. She retrieves her flip-flops and disappears around the side of the house.
I want to run after her and tell her that she has it all wrong. I've wanted to kiss her for months and months. I still do, at this moment. I want to to grab her and just jump into the pool with her. We could throw off our clothes and just let go completely. I may not have any condoms with me, but I know other ways to make a girl happy. But I shake those thoughts away. I can't think like that about her. She's too perfect, like an angel. I have to protect her, not take advantage of her. I'm her guardian, not her boyfriend. I can never be her boyfriend.
Maybe it's better to let her think what she thinks now – that I'm not interested in her. That I just kissed her for some other reason. But then she'd hate me.
I follow her around toward the car. She's waiting for me to unlock it, and when I get a little nearer she hurls another ball of water at me. It lands squarely on my chest with the force of a kickball, and I know she could have made it worse. She could have made it land like a rock.
"See?" she says. "Would an angel do that?"
"I don't know a lot of angels," I say. I'm not angry. I can't be angry at her. I open her door, then go around to the driver's side and open my own.
We drive away in silence, and then I hear her draw in breath. I look over and realize that she's crying.
"Please don't cry," I say, feeling almost like I want to cry, myself. I haven't cried since Mason died. And before that, I hadn't cried since I was 5, on the day when my mother dropped me off at St. Vlad's and disappeared. I never saw her again.
"That's what you said back in court," she says. It's true. I had seen her crying, sitting by herself, and I had knelt in front of her, and brushed her hair back, and asked her not to cry. She had smiled through her tears and said that she didn't want to be a bother to anyone but that she was having a bad day. "I'll cry if I want to," she says now. "I'm not a princess right now, ok? I'm not a princess at all. I'm not a princess or an angel or anything like that. I'm a person, ok? I just want to be treated like one."
"I just meant that I don't want you to be sad," I say, even though she sounds more angry than sad. "Please. I don't want you thinking that I kissed you out of pity or anything like that. It's so not true."
"Sure it is," she says, and sniffs. "You pulled away from me like you thought I was disgusting."
"When?" I ask.
"When you ran out into the rain rather than let me kiss you." She sniffs again.
How can I explain to her the insane and confusing rush of feelings I have about letting a girl – especially a Moroi girl – near my neck, after the Strigoi used me as a sort of living juice box for days? How could I explain how I simultaneously feared a bite and wanted it more than anything else on earth? How could I explain that my feelings for her are almost as problematic an addiction as the vampire endorphins are?
Finally, I say, "That wasn't because of you. I just am sensitive about my neck. Ever since Spokane."
"Spokane?" she says. She looks at me in confusion. "I know that you... lost a friend there. The whole school heard about that. About your friend Mason. I'm sorry about that." Some off her anger seems to melt, replaced by confusion. "But I don't understand what that has to do with you... running away from me into the rain."
"I can't explain," I say. "Just know that I think you're beautiful. Any guy in his right mind would love to kiss you. I feel really lucky."
"But... that's not the same thing as saying we're... together now, or something, is it?" she asks. "I feel like it isn't."
"Well, no," I say. "Listen, Jill. Like I said, you're beautiful. And you're great. You're so smart and sweet. You're one of the few people at court who treated me well, even after I... let you down that day."
"You didn't let me down," she says.
"I did," I say. "Anyway, if things were different, maybe we could be... something. But things aren't different. You're a Moroi princess. You're... perfect. I'm a disgraced guardian who never even met his father."
"I never met my real father," Jill says. "The technical term for me is 'bastard."
"Don't say that about yourself," I say. "Look, I'm practically an orphan. I was basically raised by St. Vladamir's. I owe my allegiance to the royal court. And I plan to spend my life making up for my mistakes."
She pauses, then says, "So you think that tonight was a mistake?"
"I don't want to say that," I say.
"But you think it," she says.
"We did what we had to do," I say. "In the moment. I can't second guess that now."
"You second-guess everything else you do," she says. "You blame yourself for that attack in court."
"Let's not talk about that," I say. "I won't let anything like that happen again, do you understand?"
"Like what?" she asks. "Like the attack in court, or like... tonight?"
"Either," I say. "I can't lose control again. If I'm too distracted, someone could... hurt you."
"You'd never let anyone hurt me," she says.
"I did once," I say. "I won't again."
"And so you don't want to ever kiss me again?"
"I can't ever," I say. "Want doesn't enter into it."
"I don't get it," she says. "I don't understand at all. I thought we had gotten close. I thought that all we needed was for one of us to admit the truth and then we'd... But you don't want to. I don't understand."
"It just won't work," I say. "Trust me, ok? Forget that it happened."
She is quiet for a long moment. "So you're saying that you think I'm beautiful, and wonderful, and an angel and stuff like that, but I'm just not enough for you to risk your job? That you like me a lot, but not enough."
"I wouldn't say that," I say.
"But it's the truth," she says.
It isn't, of course. I love her too much, as a matter of fact. But I realize that this is maybe the kindest explanation I can hope for. So I say nothing in reply.
We're quiet as I park the car and cut the ignition. As Jill goes to open her door and get out, I stop her by grabbing her arm. The touch of her silky skin under my hand starts my blood flowing again, and I wonder if her strong hearing can pick up my heartbeat. "Wait," I say. "Stay a second, please." She waits, not looking at me. "The last thing I want is to see you hurt."
"Simple solution," she says, opening her door. She gets out and looks at me. "Close your eyes while I walk away." Then she slams the door.
I stay there for a moment in the Corvette. I watch her as she heads towards her dorm, then I get out and lock the door behind me. I'll have to go over to Richard's dorm and give him back his keys in a little bit. But first I'm going to follow Jill and make sure she gets to her dorm safely.
I keep a few hundred meters behind her, my senses alert to her scent, easy to follow in the now cooler and humid air. When I get to her dorm, I find the window that is hers and watch as the light turns on. Satisfied that she is relatively safe for the moment, I go return the car keys. Richard doesn't ask why I needed the car. He just takes the keys back. I pat him on the arm, enjoying the way it makes him jump.
As I walk back to my room, I wonder: was going to the pool with Jill all a massive mistake? Or was it a mistake to call it a mistake?
Every thing I have done in my life I have done with the best of intentions, and it always turns out terribly. I was trying to avenge the wrongfully killed when I went to Spokane, but I ended up letting my best friend get killed. I was trying to support Rose unconditionally when I got roped into breaking Victor Dashkov out of prison. And tonight I was trying to help save Jill from the pain that was taking her over, and I inadvertently caused her more pain. All wrong, all of it.
And now? Now I'm feeling almost as empty as I did the day I came back from Spokane. Alone is a feeling that I'm pretty used to, though.
I stand still for a moment, breathing in the cool night air. I close my eyes, pulling the memories close to me, not wanting them to escape. I can still almost feel the silky touch of her skin, the pressure of her lips on mine. I can hear the soft sounds she made when I kissed her, smell her hair. I can never be like that with her again, I know. But the memory will stay with me.
A/N: So, originally, I was going to reveal the relevant plot points of this story during the main story (of DITT) because I didn't really care about Jill and Eddie. Like a lot of people, I thought that Eddie has Jill sort of idealized and that the pairing seemed random. But then I sort of thought of when they would have met back at court, and realized that Eddie was already more-or-less in love with Jill when she was attacked/killed. A whole back-story occurred to me as I wrote, and I ended up scrapping the other stuff I had written and writing this story instead. The more I thought about Eddie, the more his backstory seemed relevant, and the more it sort of made sense that the two of them would be feeling this way towards each other.
Anyway, I know that was kind of a downer, but it's part of my bigger story.
I might add more chapters or one-shots, I might not, depending on exactly how the endgame plays out in DITT. Either way, I will resolve all this, one way or another, so stay tuned. :)