Just Hold Me And Promise Everything Will Be Fixed:
Chapter 1:
'Dear Maura
I'm so sorry. Not just about this but about everything. Firstly, I took the easy way out, leaving you this, I should've said what I had to say in person instead of this, right?
Secondly, I did what I did to protect you, me, everyone. I know you cant see that but I did. Paddy Doyle would've shot us, not you, but us cops, just to get away.
He could've killed us. But you don't see that, you see me as the bitch who shot your father. And I'm not sorry I shot him, I'm sorry I've hurt you Maura..
I didn't mean to upset you, but what if his bullet hit me? Then what, he wouldn't miss the kill shot, not with his aim. He'd kill me, without a second thought. But of course you are that naive you don't see that.
You are the dumbest genius I know.
Yet, thats one of the things I love most about you. God.. This is draining me. How can you just..stop talking to your best friend? Just like that. I guess you can.
Well its been 63 days since all this started, yes I'm that sad I kept count, I've had too, that was last time you said my name with a soft, caring tone that made me think you cared maybe even loved me too.
Maura, please forgive me, for all of this, and just know I love you too much to say goodbye in person.. Thats if you'd talk to me. Well I'd hope you would've
I love you Maura.
Please remember me for the good reasons, not the one mistake I made. Well, two, the other was not telling you I loved you sooner. I'd like to think you feel the same.
Forgive me
Your best friend
Jane'
You fold the letter and scrawl her name across the back of the page. Hoping she'd care enough to read it. You didn't write anything for anyone else, they all know how you felt about them. Maura didn't. The person you've spent most of the last four years with didn't know how truly felt for them. What a fucking coward. You are such a coward.
You hear your cell phone ringing but ignore it, you cant really talk now. That would be an interesting conversation 'yes, I'm good, just considering dying, you?'
What if its Maura. No, it wouldn't be. She's probably deleted your number.
You sigh thinking of the woman again.
She has been nothing but amazing to you since you met her that day undercover in the café.
But look, things change, people change.
Before you realise you have the knife to your wrist, just grazing it across the skin. Hoping a light bulb will come on, show you another escape from this problem.
But no. No light, no escape. No point.
'Just stop being a fucking coward and do it..' You urge yourself staring down at the blade resting in your palms, the scars on your hands from Hoyt's scalpels paining now more than ever.
Just stop the pain.
End this hurt.
Just do it.
You push the blade down hard enough to draw blood and the adrenaline flows around your body, dimming the pain, albeit only slightly. You see the red drops hit the cream carpet on your bedroom floor and you smile
'She would scold me for making a mess' you laugh, blood gushing harder as you dig the blade deeper
You feel your vision blurring and thats when you see her. This is a dream, she wouldn't be here for you. She hasn't set foot in here in 63 days. Why would she be here now?
You pull away as she grabs your arms
"Let me die! Stop please.. Just let me die" you whine and she wraps your wrists in your bed sheet
"I cant do that Jane. Not like this. Not without talking to you properly" she whispers and you lean against her, feeling her warm skin in contrast to your ice cold cheeks
"I love you Maura" you say horsely and you feel her tears as she kisses your cheek
"I love you too Cara"
You smile at her Italian nickname. Its back to normal. She doesn't hate you. Thats perfect. Its all you really needed to hear. Thats the last thought you have before you close your eyes and stop fighting.
The perfect way to say goodbye.