It all starts when Mandy runs in the house crying, some Gallagher did something stupid so the next thing you know you're stepping through the doors of the Kash and Grab, ready to beat Ian Gallagher to a pulp. No one messes with a Milkovich and gets away with it. When Mandy comes home the next day and tells you it was a mistake, Ian didn't touch her, you're suspicious. Something's fishy, but you don't question it.
Next thing you know the Gallagher kid is straddling your waist to get back the gun you stole from Kash and oh, now you get it. The kid looks cute when he sees stars, but that's something you'll never mention, especially to him. You wonder if Mandy knows about him since she's obviously in denial about how far gone she is for the kid. She loves him. You don't.
There's something about the way Ian grins when you say, "Missed ya," Like he's allowed and you want to tell him to stop. You don't tell him you lied about the people you fucked in juvie. You don't let him know that you stopped because of him, because no one could ever be him.
Your name is Mickey Milkovich and you're not afraid of heights, but you're afraid of falling.
You can remember the first time you saw Ian Gallagher; you were eight and he was six and you thought Little League was dumb.
"My mom's up in the over there, see?" He points at a blonde woman who looks strung out of her mind but when he waves enthusiastically, she waves back with just as much enthusiasm. "My dad's over there." He points at a brown haired man that looks like he's trying to buy drugs from a soccer mom in polka dots and you almost laugh until you realize that at least his parents are here. "Where's yours?"
"Dead."
"Really?"
"No." But you do point to your five year old sister, Mandy, "My sister."
"She's pretty." He looks like someone just gave him the answers to the universe and you kind of want to hit him.
You piss on one of the bases because fuck Little League and get kicked off the team. You forget the kid's name half an hour later.
"Svetlana's pregnant," You can smell Terry's rancid breath and you try not to vomit. "And you're gonna marry her."
You're nineteen years old, you think you're a little bit love with a boy and you're marrying a Russian prostitute and have a kid that you don't want on the way.
In the club he reeks of sweat and sex and he's high off his ass. It's not his usual high, though when he'd laugh and talk constantly. He's aggressive and it scares you a little because he wasn't always that way and you wonder what went wrong after he left.
You should've asked him to stay but the words were caught in your throat that night and you wonder if he knew that you cried.
He's seventeen and you're dumb and in love and you'd do anything for him so when he says, "I'm leaving," You make up your mind. You can't let him leave you again, fuck you up.
You both go home bloody that night and when he takes a wet cloth to wash the blood off your cheeks, he can't stop smiling and you say he's an idiot. He can see the love in your eyes.
You're terrified when he crashes and won't leave the bed and when you say you'll take care of him, you mean it. You'll get rid of the knives and the guns and the beer and the booze and not leave the house until he's better if you have to. You'd do anything because you love him, he's your world and you can't let him go because you're scared that if you do he'll float away like a balloon in the sky.
You hold his hand in the doctor's office even if people stare and rub his back when the doctor says, "I'm afraid it's," And you listen to every word he says.
You can breathe again when Ian is stable, but he hates the pills. You want to say you're sorry because you can't fix it but you can try and you do.
It's hard sometimes but when he starts getting out of bed and showering again on his own, you want to cry because it's been months. When he comes into the kitchen, you're waiting with pancakes even though he'll probably claim he isn't hungry.
"Hey, Firecrotch," You set the plate down in front of him and kiss his cheek and he just looks exhausted. "Made you somethin'."
"Thanks." He murmurs and picks at the food and you just watch.
You feel like you're walking on ice, not sure what to say because you've never dealt with this before. "You ready to go outside today?"
"Not really," He mumbles, "But I will. It would make Fiona happy."
It feels like everything is right again when you're outside and his hand is in yours, and you never want to let him go. You feel like if you do, he'll float away.
Fiona cries when she sees him, and Debbie too, and you're pretty sure Carl's trying really hard not to, and they hug him like he'll disappear if they let go.
In a month, he'll finally be able to leave the house on his own again and you'll both start working at the Kash and Grab again like you used to. He'll work the cash register and you'll work security and you'll still look at him like he holds the answers to the universe.
Everything will be all right.