Sauron's Journal
Disclaimer: We don't own Sauron or ne of da lord o da rings chars. . . so uhh yah. . .
Also. . . no minions or chairs or hair OR food was harmed in the making of this story. . . (Notice Sauron isn't in da list) Uhh well actually one minion did get uhh gerbiled and uhh nother one got eaten.. . .and food went flying down da stairs and up the wall-
Everyone: GET ON WITH IT!!!
To avoid being prosecuted we warn you that Sauron is not himself. HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE OUT OF CHARACTER DAMMIT!
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(Sims music plays a.k.a.: SAURON'S INTRO)
Well those damned minions screwed up. Again.
Why is it that I'm the supreme evil being in this pathetic world and I have masses of armies. . .yet my numerous minions can never do anything right and I end up doing it! One wonders why one has the minions in the first place. The only reason I may have mine is just because you cannot be an evil warlord with nothing to be lord over.
Then you're a mediocre villain!! One must be a warlord to wage war on an entire earth!! But then one has to deal with incompetent fools... a.k.a. minions.
So very wearisome. . The choice between being powerful on one's own and being a nobody, or having millions of minions who don't do anything for you but you are famous throughout the land.
Damn them. Damn them and their small incompetent minds. But I suppose if I were to rule smarter minions they would perhaps revolt and attempt to create a new, less violent leader. I suppose that they are useful in that perspective...
The natural choice for many is the fame! The fortune! The- When's dinner going to be ready? I will see when my minions will cook it... but I will probably end up cooking it myself as they always burn the food. . .I may like fire but I don't want my food to taste like my floor. . .
So I cook it on the chair. The dish for tonight... umm well I dunno that one. I will ask a minion...hope they know what 'food' means. . .
--LATER--
Well the dish tonight is apparently called 'huh?' for when I asked my general- MY GENERAL, he's supposed to be smarter then the others- replied simply, 'huh?'
God... why did I have to have ORCS?? Why couldn't I have some evil dwarves or ents? Even a man has more sense then they do. . .I will write to the BGC(Bad Guys Co.) and order a minion farm to start off and then I shall order some evil elves, men, and ents to grow in it.
And if I don't get it...there shall be HELL to pay!!
Quite literally since it costs quite a bit to order and then there's tax and shipping. . .
Wait...what was my original thread...? Oh dear, I've forgotten. . . .I'm hungry...better go make my dinner…
I think maybe fish. Or lobster yes I love lobster. Why is seafood the only thing available?!
It doesn't' even make sense...I live in Mordor, which is Hell and gone from any sea, and yet all we have is seafood??!
Oh well...I'm starving. . .
Why is it whenever I write I always come back to this subject??
Well ...when you're bored. . .
--LATER--
God, I STILL haven't eaten! When am I going to make dinner? I don't really know...I only have two hands so I can't really make dinner and write at the same time!
Look if its sooo important, make your own dinner!
Ahhhhh! Writing to myself!! When will the insanity cease!! The Minions!! They did it to me!!
--EVEN LATER--
Shrimp. All I get is freakin' shrimp. That's all they have here to eat. I'm the main villain in this story, and all I get is… Shrimp.
Not even jumbo sized, but those little scampi shrimp that people stick in drinks!
Oh...I have written a copy of the letter I will send to the BGC.
Dear BGC board,
I am getting very...no, EXTERMELY tired of Orcs as minions. As a result, I have deigned to buy a minion farm from you, complete with Humans, Elves and Ents. Send the live organisms in an envelope with a sanitary wipe over it please... They mustn't be harmed. If you fail to comply with this request you shall face...my lawyers, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La La and my judge Po in court. I wouldn't wanna be you if that happened.
Sincerely,
Sauron, Evil Lord of Mordor (who is forced to eat scampi shrimp)
Now... I will impersonate a giant eye and sit on the top of my tower... I just hope I can change back this time. . .
--THREE DAYS LATER--
I can't believe it! I was stuck as a giant eye for three days and nights!!
My god! That really really sucks! And my damn minions...
Whenever I'd try to float around (as I usually do) I'd roll forward and just lay there... completely blind.... getting grit in my eye.
In ME I should say.
My minions have so much laundry to do...but, once again, I shall end up doing it
/smudge on page/
GOD! The legs on my chair just randomly flew off!! They went out my window and over the horizon!
I only have one chair!
DAMMIT!
I will not lug that around every time I need to sit down and I flatly refuse to sit on the floor...Great, now I must send my minions to find me a new chair.
This is one thing I cannot do myself as my enemies are wandering the land... the most idiotic thing I could do is to show up in a local Target to buy a chair...they'd all just drop their groceries and jump on me
When I was ONLY BUYING A CHAIR!!
Better go do that...I wonder if my minions have the intelligence to get a take out dinner for me...
See? THIS is the reason I need elves and ents. THEY wouldn't stand out.
Yes...better yet! I must get my elves and ents to RUN THE STORES!! BWAHAHAHAA! There would be a 99% discount for anyone from Mordor!!
And, I'd get the best deals on food and furniture and stuffies!
Hahaha. That would be awesome!
My dear stuffies... I always remember to sleep with Mr. Neegish when I'm especially upset... I swear that stuffed bunny must have some magic. . .
And he's so soft... and warm... oh there I go again. I just ADORE that little bunny.
But his carrot, Bacon Sandwich, has gone missing...he suspects me, I know it! He thinks that I wanted to get between him and Bacon Sandwich so that I could have Mr. Neegish all to myself...It's not true!! I would never do that to Mr. Neegish
But one has to admit... A CARROT?? That's like me obsessing over food- it never happens. . .
But. .. Oh when will my minion return with my Chinese food takeout??
And my new, cherry red plastic lawn chair. .
Oh the grief of waiting...! I hope the BGC will consider my offer of sending me Ents, Elves, and Men... I was just so cordial they'll have to accept!
--LATER--
Ahh! My minion has returned!! UGH! WHAT IS HE DOING??
/few lines skipped/
ARGH!! My minion came in with a wig and he was- get this- licking and nipping and kissing my food!!
I then shouted, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!'
'Your will, master.'
'When did I say to buy me a wig?!'
'But master, you said to me, "Minion, my hair flew out the window...get me another one!" And so I did. Then, as I was going out the in and out thingy (door) you shouted to me, "Minion get my food and make sure to make it make out!" ...I assumed, Master, you wished to make me make out with your food. . .and so I did."
Ugh. I am surrounded by idiots!
Of course I promptly torched this...GERBIL...and threw my food down the stairs. But I kept the wig. . .purple curls look rather fetching on me. . .
And now I'm starving.
Without a chair.
Life is so cruel to those who have it all! Although I don't think this makes sense, it is true!!
Dammit. Now I've gone and made myself cry.
Why??
Why did you leave me, Hedge?! I thought what we had was special!!'
Why did you leave me for Sam?? Why??
/page is stained by teardrops/
I will...go and...sleep. . . .Heddie, I miss your warmth in these dark cold Mordor nights. . .
Maybe...you will come back. . .someday. . . .
Mr. Neegish will be there until then though...
--NEXT DAY--
Why couldn't I have been an evil cat?
I mean...cats are cool and many things fear them. . . that would be fun… But then I couldn't have Mr. Neegish
Mr. Neegish means the world to me...and since I'm trying to conquer the world, that is a lot...god… making dinner again. . .
This time...pickles and shrimp
I'm not sure which is which really. . .
What's with the freakin' shrimp?! Is that all those idiots can catch?! Damn it all!
The pickles are a change... they're yellow though...what does that mean in a pickle?
Huh.
It can either be very good or very bad.
Oh well...I'm hungry... I wonder how one catches pickles...?
They must swim faster than anything I've ever had, since this is my first time having them.
Yes. They're rather tasty
Hmmm... they seem to have a light yellow mushy inside and they seem to have peels…
How strange.
Since I have no chair, I must stand. . .That pisses me off. . .I have decided to throw my peel on the floor since it is of no use to me
I tried it but it's gross.
The peel, I mean...
Uhh yeah…
Yes...it's worse than one of those little blue crunchy things. .
--A LITTLE BIT LATER--
GOD! I WILL NEVER HAVE PICKLES AGAIN!!
I heard something fall in the hall so I went to see what it was and I slid on the pickle peel... and fell backwards into my table. My entire dinner fell on the floor as well as this journal as the table cracked in half...
That is the only table I own!!
So now I have no stupid table OR chair
It was designer as well. . .
Both the chair and the table
Great. Now I must send for another Minion to get a chair and a table. . .and some pizza. I will send… umm… a Nazgul this time. . .I only hope they wont look too strange trying to sniff out where everything is. . .on second thought, I will send Uruk Hai. . .
To WalMart!!
Yes yes. That should work. . .
Oh yeah. .I am good. . .NO WAIT!
I'm evil!!
Yes I'm an evil genius!
Oh ya!!
. . . .Where's the toilet again?
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R&R please. Press the pretty button and write some stuff.
NO FLAMES!! We're new and if you flame us they shall be used to cook Sauron's shrimp… ON THE FLOOR!! And we shall hate you. Ah well, anything else is welcome. REVIEW!!