Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Joss, etc.
Rating: PG
A/N: This is based on Valerie's challenge at bandofbuggered.com It's set sometime during season 4, while Spike is living with Giles.
Intervention Again
Spike rubbed his eyes and looked around at the group of eager faces sitting circling him. What have I done to deserve this?
"What?"
"We're worried about you," Willow repeated.
"You're all a bunch of wankers," Spike said, moving to get up.
Buffy pushed him down, "You're not going anywhere."
"Remember, only "I" statements. No attacks!" Willow reminded them all. "Anya, you go first."
"I think you should stop drinking because it costs a lot of money and alcohol makes it difficult for penises to function properly," Anya informed with some satisfaction.
Spike scowled, "I steal the booze." Then he dropped a wink at the ex- demon, "And I never have any problems in the other area."
"Really? I thought it was a problem for everybody since Xander."
"An, honey, they don't need to know about that," Xander said uncomfortably.
"Harris, having problems satisfying your girl."
"Shut up Spike," Xander cut him off.
"Hey, hey! We're not here to fight. Ok, Xander, it's your turn," Willow insisted.
"I think you should stop drinking because you may be drunk when a demon attacks and someone could get hurt."
"Not a problem for me," Spike replied. "I'll probably *buy* the nice demon a drink when he's done kicking the shit out of you, Harris."
"Spike, please," Willow said. "We're just trying to help."
"You know what you could do to help me, pet? All this talk about drinking is making me thirsty. Why don't you run into the kitchen and see if Rupes has any bourbon."
"Ok.wait! No! Come on Spike, be serious. Buffy, it's your turn."
"Spike, I'm just worried that you hit the bottles a little hard."
"Ahh, Slayer, I'm touched," Spike mocked. "Really. But I can show you other ways to touch me." Spike waggled his eyebrows.
"You're such a pig."
"What part of I-statements didn't you understand?" Willow asked her friends, distressed.
"Here's one for you Red. I hate all of you very much."
"Now Spike, don't say that," Xander protested.
"Well, why do you drink?" Giles finally spoke up.
"Why do you think I drink? I drink because I have this soddin' chip shoved up my head. I drink because it's the only thing that dulls the ache of not being able to kill the lot of you!"
"Spike, we know you don't mean that," Willow said.
"I bloody well do. Now untie me!"
"No, Spike, we're not going to untie you until you admit that you have a problem."
"Fine. I have a problem. You, and you, and you," Spike said, pointing around the room with his chin, "are all big problems."
"Spike, we have a 12-step program to help you get rid of the alcohol."Buffy started.
"Are there any 12-step programs to help me get rid of bleedin' idiots?" Spike muttered.
".and if you just let us help you, you'll be much happier."
Spike gave a bark of laughter, "I won't be happier until I've used your neck as a chalice and picked my teeth with your bones."
"Fine, we'll let you drink yourself into oblivion!" Buffy announced.
"Well, thank you highness. I didn't realize I had to ask permission," Spike snapped back. "Can't one of you at least try to remember that I hate you all?"
"Guys, this isn't working," Willow said nervously.
"Maybe we should let him go," Tara suggested quietly.
"See, she's the smart one." Spike turned his attention to her, "What's a smart girl like you doing with this group of poofters?"
Tara shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and didn't respond. "Well, you heard the girl, untie me."
"No, you'll just start drinking again," Xander said.
"OWWW!" Spike howled in pain and clutched his head.
"What's wrong?" Buffy asked.
"I just had a lovely picture of tying the lot of you up and tearing your throats out," Spike sneered.
"This is obviously going nowhere," Giles said. "Buffy, take him to the bathtub."
"Ok."
"No!" Spike protested loudly, "Don't go chain me up in there. Y'all are great. I didn't mean that crack about ripping your throats out."
"Sure you didn't," Xander scoffed.
"Look, I won't drink anything for the rest of the night!" Spike really did not want to be chained up in that small bathtub for the next several hours.
"Nope, you had your chance. Come on."
Spike glared at the room, "Fine. I hate you all. I hope some nasty comes in and tears your bloody heads off."
"Night Spike!" Anya called cheerfully as Buffy led him into Giles's bathroom.
Rating: PG
A/N: This is based on Valerie's challenge at bandofbuggered.com It's set sometime during season 4, while Spike is living with Giles.
Intervention Again
Spike rubbed his eyes and looked around at the group of eager faces sitting circling him. What have I done to deserve this?
"What?"
"We're worried about you," Willow repeated.
"You're all a bunch of wankers," Spike said, moving to get up.
Buffy pushed him down, "You're not going anywhere."
"Remember, only "I" statements. No attacks!" Willow reminded them all. "Anya, you go first."
"I think you should stop drinking because it costs a lot of money and alcohol makes it difficult for penises to function properly," Anya informed with some satisfaction.
Spike scowled, "I steal the booze." Then he dropped a wink at the ex- demon, "And I never have any problems in the other area."
"Really? I thought it was a problem for everybody since Xander."
"An, honey, they don't need to know about that," Xander said uncomfortably.
"Harris, having problems satisfying your girl."
"Shut up Spike," Xander cut him off.
"Hey, hey! We're not here to fight. Ok, Xander, it's your turn," Willow insisted.
"I think you should stop drinking because you may be drunk when a demon attacks and someone could get hurt."
"Not a problem for me," Spike replied. "I'll probably *buy* the nice demon a drink when he's done kicking the shit out of you, Harris."
"Spike, please," Willow said. "We're just trying to help."
"You know what you could do to help me, pet? All this talk about drinking is making me thirsty. Why don't you run into the kitchen and see if Rupes has any bourbon."
"Ok.wait! No! Come on Spike, be serious. Buffy, it's your turn."
"Spike, I'm just worried that you hit the bottles a little hard."
"Ahh, Slayer, I'm touched," Spike mocked. "Really. But I can show you other ways to touch me." Spike waggled his eyebrows.
"You're such a pig."
"What part of I-statements didn't you understand?" Willow asked her friends, distressed.
"Here's one for you Red. I hate all of you very much."
"Now Spike, don't say that," Xander protested.
"Well, why do you drink?" Giles finally spoke up.
"Why do you think I drink? I drink because I have this soddin' chip shoved up my head. I drink because it's the only thing that dulls the ache of not being able to kill the lot of you!"
"Spike, we know you don't mean that," Willow said.
"I bloody well do. Now untie me!"
"No, Spike, we're not going to untie you until you admit that you have a problem."
"Fine. I have a problem. You, and you, and you," Spike said, pointing around the room with his chin, "are all big problems."
"Spike, we have a 12-step program to help you get rid of the alcohol."Buffy started.
"Are there any 12-step programs to help me get rid of bleedin' idiots?" Spike muttered.
".and if you just let us help you, you'll be much happier."
Spike gave a bark of laughter, "I won't be happier until I've used your neck as a chalice and picked my teeth with your bones."
"Fine, we'll let you drink yourself into oblivion!" Buffy announced.
"Well, thank you highness. I didn't realize I had to ask permission," Spike snapped back. "Can't one of you at least try to remember that I hate you all?"
"Guys, this isn't working," Willow said nervously.
"Maybe we should let him go," Tara suggested quietly.
"See, she's the smart one." Spike turned his attention to her, "What's a smart girl like you doing with this group of poofters?"
Tara shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and didn't respond. "Well, you heard the girl, untie me."
"No, you'll just start drinking again," Xander said.
"OWWW!" Spike howled in pain and clutched his head.
"What's wrong?" Buffy asked.
"I just had a lovely picture of tying the lot of you up and tearing your throats out," Spike sneered.
"This is obviously going nowhere," Giles said. "Buffy, take him to the bathtub."
"Ok."
"No!" Spike protested loudly, "Don't go chain me up in there. Y'all are great. I didn't mean that crack about ripping your throats out."
"Sure you didn't," Xander scoffed.
"Look, I won't drink anything for the rest of the night!" Spike really did not want to be chained up in that small bathtub for the next several hours.
"Nope, you had your chance. Come on."
Spike glared at the room, "Fine. I hate you all. I hope some nasty comes in and tears your bloody heads off."
"Night Spike!" Anya called cheerfully as Buffy led him into Giles's bathroom.