Disclaimers:
JAG belongs to DPB and CBS, even though it should still belong to NBC... we all know why.
The characters are used for entertainment only and to correct some things. I'm not making any money with this.
Here In My Heart
by cat
1700 hours local time
JAG headquarters
Washington DC
"I'm glad this finally is over." Admiral AJ Chegwidden concluded the debriefing with two of his senior staff members. "Oh and don't forget the party at the Irish Embassy tomorrow night. Before you ask, yes, it's mandatory." He gave them both a look. "Dismissed."
With that they turned around and while the female Marine Colonel walked out of the door, the Admiral spoke up again. "Commander Rabb, one more thing..."
Hearing that, he turned around again to look at his commanding officer. "Sir?"
The Admiral had gotten up from his chair and walked over to the couch, motioning the tall and handsome lawyer to sit down as well.
Of course he obliged and waited for the Admiral to tell him what else he had to say. But for a while both men were silent and just looked at each other. Harmon Rabb because it wasn't his turn to speak and he didn't know what was going on, and Admiral Chegwidden because he didn't quite know where to start. He knew this would stir up feelings for Harm, but he at least wanted to prepare him.
"About tomorrow..." He finally spoke up.
"That party?" Harm asked, almost sure he'd get in trouble now. He was known to frequently disappear from events like that. "Look, I'll be there..."
The Admiral cut him off before he could continue. "It's not about that Commander. Well it's about the party, but not what you think... Lieutenant Commander Austin is going to be there." He straightforwardly told him the news and hoped he'd be able to cope with it.
For a moment Harm looked at the balding man in shock, trying to comprehend what he just heard. But maybe he was making the wrong assumptions. He had to be sure. "Meg Austin?"
With a nod the Admiral confirmed it. "Your former partner."
Harm let out a short laugh. "Great... so she made Lt. Cmdr." At the memory of the blonde spunky woman he had to smile. "That's good for her." Even though he tried to sound happy, the bitterness in his voice was evident. Not because of her promotion though. Years ago she had hurt him like he never thought he could hurt, and he never found out why. The prospect of seeing her again now brought all that pain back to the surface.
Sighing the Admiral looked at the young man who was like a son to him. He knew this was harder on him than he'd like to admit.
"Sir, under these circumstances I think it will be understandable if I want to be excused for tomorrow." Harm spoke up again.
After looking at him for a moment AJ shook his head. "Even though I can understand you, I cannot excuse you... besides it's been years Harm. You've been avoiding it for too long now. It was bound to happen sooner or later."
"It?!?" Harm shot him a glare, not sure what had aggravated him the most.
The Admiral clearly wasn't in the mood to get into a discussion about the use of his words right now. "You're going to see her again tomorrow whether you like it or not. So you better start thinking about what to tell her."
"Why is she going to be there in the first place? Last thing I heard she was stationed in Naples?" Even though he'd never admit it, Harm had kept track of her career.
"Officially, yes." The Admiral nodded. "But in fact she was undercover in the IRA and nowhere close to Naples. She helped to make a big bust recently, which is why she's going to be tomorrow's guest of honor. "
"IRA huh?" Harm asked surprised. "Sounds like a big thing..."
"Oh it was." The Admiral nodded. "Some joint mission with the CIA... in fact they chose her because of her Irish roots."
Harm had to laugh a bit at that and nodded. "Her great-grandfather came to the US from Ireland... he married a Cherokee woman, they had a daughter and a son, the son married a woman whose parents came to the US from Poland. They had one son - her dad; he married a woman whose mother was Mexican and her father Irish as well." Grinning he finished that little story. "They then had Meg and her brothers... I guess that explains her temper and her stubbornness."
AJ laughed. "That and many other things." He had to smile at how much Harm knew about Meg. "So I expect you to be polite tomorrow when you talk to her."
At that Harm rolled his eyes and snorted. "Polite... was it polite what she did?"
"None of that matters tomorrow Harm." To warn him, AJ gave him a stern look. "Think about what you're going to tell her tomorrow, I mean it!"
"Oh I know what I'm gonna tell her." Harm muttered. "I'll tell her that I don't care about what happened. That every day since she left is just another day without her, that I'm absolutely fine, okay and alright without her and that I found someone new. Somebody just like her. That if she thinks I'm breaking apart without her, she's wrong and she can go to hell. I don't need her and I don't want her! I have so much to do without her and I've had enough time to get over her. So she better not think that seeing her again is going to tear my heart apart all over again. I'm doing fine and I hope she's doing too. I'll tell her that I hardly ever think about her and that even though I said I'd call her, I didn't have to cause I didn't need her. Especially not just to hear her voice. I'll tell her that I burned all of her pictures and tossed her stuff in the trash. And I'll tell her that she better go back to where she came from cause I certainly don't want her back here. I'm doing fine... and I hope she's doing fine as well." With every word his voice gained bitterness and in the end he was glaring at the Admiral. "I hope that was polite enough."
He just shrugged. "You can lie to her all you want, just don't think she'll believe your lies." Harm's true feelings were evident in his eyes. The love he still carried for her was shining through the veil of pain she had caused.
Even more outraged Harm jumped up. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow sir." With that he started to storm out of the office, not giving a damn about military protocols for the moment.
"Harm!" The Admiral caused him to stop and turn around again. When he had his attention again, he continued. "I can understand your anger, really." He tried to calm him down. "But your hurt pride might just be blinding you at the moment. Of course that's understandable, but let me tell you this: Why don't you see this opportunity as a second chance instead of mourning over your shattered dreams."
"Don't YOU dare talk to me about shattered dreams!" Harm started to break out and yelled at the Admiral. "You don't know a damn about what it means to live for someone else you can't just love like it's meant to be! And all that just because of a damn invisible barrier between the two of you that both of you could never overcome due to honor and loyalty to your job and to the life you've chosen when you thought you knew what you were getting yourself into. But then out of sudden that one special person jumps in your life and you can't even believe that someone like that even exists, and then, before you realize just how much she means to you, how much you love her, you're reminded that you better stop thinking about it because in the world you live in, a love like that is strictly forbidden by rules and regulations. And then when you finally decide to shoot all of that to hell, and it starts to look like you're finally going to find the happiness that evaded you for so long, everything is over before it could really begin!" All the pent up and suddenly released emotions caused tears to threaten in his eyes, but by now he had learned to control them. "No... don't YOU talk to me of shattered dreams!" Harm finished and shaking his head left the Admiral's office and drove home, allowing his tears to flow eventually while the Admiral stayed behind bewildered.