CAUTION: The Following contains spoilers for Sword Art Online Alicization Arc. If you're not up to date with the SAO Novels and don't want to risk spoilers, turn away now.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Sword Art Online is owned by A-1 Pictures, Aniplex USA, and Reki Kawahara.
Greetings, this is Apex85 bringing an SAO Crack One-shot. Not much to say, its been a while since I last wrote something and want to see if I can get SOMETHING out to get back in the game.
Then I rewatched an episode of Futurama which resulted in THIS popping into my head and wouldn't leave. Not much, but might as well put down what I can.
Narration: Nice
Spoken words: "Beautiful"
Thoughts and emphasis: It's been far too long
(3rd person POV, Setagaya Ward, Tokyo, Japan, June 29, 2026)
From its massive subway station, the Imperial Palace, Akibahara, the Capital of Japan, Tokyo was a city of many wonders and interest even prior to the horrid SAO and ALO incidents from just a few short years back. Here, many spent there days either going to work, school, playing with friends etc.
For many, the day was just another regular day, free of worry, with little fanfare. Not for all though, as a day of normalcy to some, can be a day of wonder, surprise for others. Whether its a mere surprise or a life-turning event, a regular day for one, can be a day of extraordinance to another.
Thus, came the scene of a tall, shabby man dressed in a worn black t-shirt, leather pants and boots laughing insanely as he gazed at the wretching and collapsing form of a young teenager dressed in black in one summer night in Setagaya.
Standing in the street while panting, Atsushi Kanamoto(AKA Johnny Black to those from the Sword Art Online), couldn't stop himself from giggling in glee.
There, at his feet laying still on the ground was his target, the syringe of succinylcholine impaled in his shoulder was the prone form of Kazuto Kirigaya, AKA Kirito the Black Swordsman the Hero of Aincrad.
At the sight of the twitching, prone form of his victim, Johnny Black felt his lips curve into a cruel smile as he let out an enthusiastic chortle of triumph.
Finally! It took months of waiting, but the brat's finally dead!
As the thought phased through his head, Johnny Black threw his head back, his previous cackles now a full blown laughter of joy as the sheer joy of his victory flowed from his form.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Take that! Not so invincible are you now, huh Black Swordsman?!" Johnny Black barked as he leaned down to look Kirito in the eyes, and yanking out the now empty syringe. "Where's all that strength and heroism of yours huh?! No sword, no coat, Hell, even your dumb bitch of a wife wasn't around to save ya! Must be embarrassing isn't it?! Hahaahahaha!"
His laughs reverberated, and echoed through the mostly abandoned street as Kanamoto basked in joy. "Damn, if only Xaxa and PoH were here to see this!" He spoke between guffaws of laughter. "They'd have a riot! Kirito the hero of Aincrad, beaten by a tiny little needle while he was out on a date! Bahahaha!"
He threw his head back as he continued to laugh, before stopping to wince at the wound on his leg where Kirito nearly stabbed his thigh with the tip of his umbrella. He had reflexively managed to avoid it at the last second, turning what would have been an attempted stab to a minor, if sizable, cut. It was still rather painful though, and with the adrenaline high from his victory wearing off, he couldn't help but hiss as it now fully registered to his brain.
Gritting his teeth, Johnny Black shifted his gaze in the direction of the offending tool that cut him. With a snarl, he stepped towards the umbrella and kicked it away with all his might(ignoring how the motion caused him to wince from the wound in his leg).
In a spectacle the the killer would have sworn broke the laws of physics, the umbrella then slid across the street, before the handle collided against the pavement of the sidewalk and the sheer momentum caused it to flip over a few cycles before landing in a nearby garbage can.
Blinking in surprise for a few seconds, the former Player Killer felt his lips split into a wide grin as a wicked idea came to mind.
"Hey, I just thought of something." Atsushi commented as he stepped back towards his downed victim. "It'd be boring to leave things here right?" Slowly, he placed his left foot on top of his victim's prone form, the glee from feeling the lack of a heart beat or breathing from beneath managing to distract him from the pain in the cut on his leg.
"After all that trouble you caused me and my buddies from Laughing Coffin, letting you die quietly from a syringe seems WAY too nice. Plus, chances are I won;t be around to see them bury you in the dirt." He then placed his other foot on Kirito's torso, cackling eagerly. "Well, figure this would work. Told myself I'd dance on top of your grave, but I'm in such a good mood. I'll dance on top of your corpse, right now!"
He then proceeded to just that, performing a sloppy imitation of a tap dance on top of the black-clad young man's chest, his boots clamming down at a faux-rhythmic beat as he laughed, leaving dirty footprints across Kirito's black shirt.
"Hahaha! Damn, this feels fun. Guess those tap dancing lessons weren't for nothing after all!" Kanamoto bellowed as he continued to stomp repeatedly on his victim's chest. So caught up in his mania, he didn't notice that another sensation seem to occur below his feet.
Unfortunately, Johnny's soon came to an end, as he was unexpectedly tackled off his victim and pinned to the ground.
"I got him pinned down, someone cuff him!" A voice shouted, right before Johnny Black felt cold steel wrap around his wrists
"Got him. You're going away for a LONG time, ya sick punk!"
"Get a stretcher! Help me load this kid into the ambulance!"
"Kirito-kun!"
Turning his head, Johnny Black saw the paramedics load Kirito into an ambulance, a worried Asuna fretting over him, as the police officers dragged him into the patrol car.
Ah, damn. Guess that's where my fun ends. Atleast I got that bastard for good. Rest in Peace, Black Swordsman. He thought as he giggled as the police car drove him away.
(Tokaido Police Station Prison, weeks later)
"Kanamoto! Off your ass, you got a call." A police officer replied as he opened the cell door.
Grunting in annoyance, the aforementioned inmate irritably rolled off the floor of his cell "Who the fuck is it?"
"Don't know," the police officer tersely replied,"Just get up already."
Biting back a curse, the inmate stood up and groggily walked out through the door and followed along the irate policeman.
It had been a little over two weeks since that day. Immediately afterwards, Atsushi Kanamoto, AKA Johnny Black, was detained by police on site. Naturally, he was immediately interrogated upon his arrival. Whatever defiance he might have made was quickly broken and shot down by the irate policemen in charge of his interrogation. The fact that said officer turned out to be related to one of the Death Gun Victims(which one specifically eluded Kanamoto's memory) and thus was ALL too willing to bend the rules helped, and he soon confessed to everything. Johnny winced at the phantom pain from when his ear rings were all but ripped off from his ears.
Between being caught in the act of assault and attempted desecration of the corpse, Asuna Yuuki's witness testimony, and his previous recorded involvement with the Death Gun case, the deck was stacked against him and was all but guaranteed that he would be found guilty. Set in stone as his fate seemed to be, he still had to deal with the long, tiring bureaucratic process of the legal system. So until the day of his trial, he was kept in Police Custody.
His time had been brief but unpleasant as to be expected. There was little to do as he spent his entire time in his cell, unable to leave, and spending his days in monotony as he awaited for his upcoming trial.
Ah well, atleast that brat's still dead. Hahah, wish I could have seen the looks on his bitch's face when she found his corpse. Kanamoto thought to himself, his lips forming into a wry smile as he came to the room and quirked an eyebrow when he saw a monitor behind the glass divider and two-way speakers across the table.
"The guy wanted to make this a video call," Kanamoto's police escort grunted in response to his confusion. "Don't know who it is, just that they said they knew ya. Decided to make this a special case. Now, you better watch out cuz-"
"The entire conversation will be recorded and you and some other guys will stand guard at the door. I know" Johnny flippantly replied, ignoring the guard's scowl as he sat down.
As the guard stepped out with a harsh slam of the door, Johnny Black started up the monitor as it booted up. "So who are you?" He tersely asked, the curiosity getting the better of him. "Can't say I can think of anyone who'd bother trying to...call...me..." Johnny Black trailed off, his eyes widening while his mouth was agape. His earlier questions and confusion forgotten as waves of shock washed over him as he gazed at the figure in the screen.
No, NO! Impossible! How the fuck, HOW?! Came the surprised thoughts in the inmate's mind as he tried to register who it was that called him.
It shouldn't be possible, yet as he continued to stare, he saw that it had to be true.
The same hair, the same eyes, the same face. There was no mistaking them, it was the same person.
Said person noticed his shock, and just gave an audacious smirk towards him in response.
"Yo," Kirito replied, as he sat there on the hospital bed, his trademark dark clothing replaced by a hospital gown covered by blankets. "How's prison?"
"HOW?!" Johnny Black roared as he stood up and slammed his hands on the table, spit flying from his mouth. "You're supposed to be dead! I killed you!"
"Well, you came close." Kirito cheekily replied despite his voice sounding somewhat hoarse. "But then you went and saved me at the last minute."
"...What." Johnny blankly asked, his rage and shock temporarily forgotten from the bizarre statement.
The bedridden gamer chuckled at his attempted killer's non-sequitor before elaborating. "That impromptu dance session of yours. It managed to start my heart back up before anything bad could start happening." Kirito's smirk widened as he saw Kanamoto's flummoxed expression. "Yep, the doctors and I were pretty surprised too. Didn't know that was possible, but turns out it was. Left a few bruises across my ribs though, which sucks but hey, better than being dead or comatose."
Johnny Black could only sputter furiously, the sheer shock and fury of the turn of events completely overriding his ability to speak coherently.
"So yeah," Kirito casually spoke, ignoring the inmate's ramblings, "Looks like I'm going to live after all. The bruises should be fixed soon enough and I'll be back on my feet." The gamer then looked straight into the camera, his wide smirk nearly splitting his face in half. "All thanks to you Johnny. Thanks for that."
That was the last straw as Johnny Black threw his head back and roared. Eyes wide and bloodshot with rage, he stood up onto the table, wildly pounding and clawing against the glass divider in a futile attempt to break through and try to throttle Kirito through the monitor screen.
"YOU FUCKING BASTARD! You're dead you hear me, dead! When I get my hands on you, there won't be enough left of your damned corpse left to fill a soda can! Get over here so I can strangle you you damned brat!" Black cursed, as he futilely attempted to break through the divider, spit flying from his mouth and staining the glass as the gamer smiled impassively.
So engrossed in his rage, Johnny Black didn't notice as the police officers charged into the room and pulled him back. Upon noticing them, Black proceeded to struggle against them, all the while continuing his mad tirade against his failed murder attempt.
"Hold him down."
"We're trying, how the hell is he still moving?!"
"Quick, someone sedate the bastard!"
"On it."
Those were the last words Johnny Black felt, before one of the officers jabbed a needle into his arm. As the sedative traveled through his system, he felt himself become drowsy, his limbs began to drag, and his eyelids became heavy.
He still attempted to struggle, though soon as the sedative continued his hold, his thrashing became slower, and he slowly became silent, his eyes shut as drool spilled from the edge of his mouth.
"Finally, he's outcold." Te head guard replied. "Now let's take this nutcase back to his cell and-"He trailed off as an unpleasant smell trailed up his nose. "Argh, what's that smell?!"
"Eww, gross." Another officer replied as he pointed at a dark wet spot on the inmate's trousers. "The punk's soiled himself!"
"Oh yeah, they said that's a possible side-effect of the sedative." Another guard casually replied while holding his nose.
"I am not cleaning that up!"
As he saw the scene of chaos as his would be killer was dragged away through the screen, Kazuto Kirigaya could only laugh.
...Yeah that was it. Not much but I wanted to get something out after so long. Got a bit rusty as I'm sure it shows. Really need to get a Beta one of these days.
Not my best, but if you liked it please leave a review(provided it doesn't solely consist of pointing out any errors in spelling, grammar, punctuation, syntax etc.) But remember, NO FLAMES ALLOWED!
One more thing:
SAO SEASON 3 CONFIRMED FOR OCTOBER! WHOO! Alicization here we come!