Disclaimer: I do not own the Mighty Ducks. Happy now, Disney Company??? STOP HARASSING ME!!
Pranks a Lot
By Ryan Phelan
"NOSEDIIIIIIVE!!"
Mallory's angry voice shook the halls of The Mighty Duck's secret headquarters; moments later she stomped into the rec room, her face almost as red as her hair. In her hand was a piece of paper. Nosedive was sitting on the couch, totally absorbed in his video game. Mallory planted herself between him and the television, staring down at him like a hawk looking at its next meal.
"Nosedive," she snarled, "what is this?!"
Nosedive put his game on pause and looked at the paper Mallory held in front of him. It was yellow notebook paper, with the words "HONK IF YOU LIKE HOCKEY" printed in big bold letters.
"I went to the mall this morning," she said, struggling to keep her voice even. "Everywhere I went people honked at me. I don't mean from their cars; people were actually making honking noises! Now why would they do that?"
"Um, because they like hockey?" Nosedive asked in his best I-had nothing-to-do-with-it voice.
"Or maybe because they saw the sign taped to my back!" Mallory snapped. "Just how did it get there?"
Nosedive pretended to think. "Sounds like another one of Dragaunus's evil plots. While all the humans on Earth are busy honking, he'll take over the world!"
Finally Mallory blew. "NOSEDIVE, IF YOU DON'T STOP PLAYING PRANKS ON ME I'LL…"
"You'll what?" Nosedive asked, leaning back against the sofa.
"I'll…I'll…" Mallory sputtered. She'd never actually had to finish her threat before.
"Yeeeeeeeeees?" Nosedive smirked.
"I'LL PLAY A PRANK ON YOU! ONE THAT WILL HAVE YOU CRYING FOR YOUR MOMMA!" Mallory cried.
Nosedive sat up. "You think you can out-prank the king? Not in this lifetime Mal."
"Just you wait! You will never see it coming!"
"I'm quaking in my boots," Nosedive laughed.
Mallory spun on her heel and stomped out of the rec room. She decided to head to the gym to work off some steam.
"Hold on there, sweetheart, I want to talk to you," a smooth, familiar voice behind her said.
Mallory turned around and faced her teammate. "Look Duke, I'm sorry I used up your hair gel!" she snarled. "I'll buy you another tube, Okay?"
Duke threw up his hands. "Whoa there, Mal, I come in peace! I overheard your conversation with Nosedive, and I'd like to offer you my services."
Mallory's eyebrow shot up. "Your services? You mean you want to help me prank Nosedive? Why?"
"Let's just say it's about time the kid got taken down a peg." Duke replied.
"I don't need any help. I can prank Nosedive all by myself. As a kid I played my share of pranks," Mallory replied with a hint of pride.
"Lemme guess. Whoopie cushion? Dribble glass? Itching Powder? Strictly Amateur Hour."
Mallory's face turned a slightly darker shade of red.
"Stick with me and we'll make Nosedive eat his words," Duke continued. "Whaddaya say?"
Mallory glanced back at the rec room. Nosedive had kicked back and restarted the video game. The chance to wipe the smile off his face was irresistible.
"Okay L'Orange, you're on."
**********
A few days later Mallory slipped into the locker room an hour before practice. Duke was already there.
"So…what did you find out?" The grey duck asked.
Mallory flipped through a yellow notebook. "Monday. Nosedive left The Pond at eleven hundred hours and went to Captain Comics. He hung out and chatted with those dorky friends of his until thirteen hundred hours, then retuned to The Pond for practice. Practice lasted until sixteen hundred hours. Nosedive then went to the kitchen and fixed himself a sandwich…"
"What kind of sandwich?" Duke interrupted.
"I don't know, maybe baloney," Mallory replied.
"You have to find out," Duke said. "Lesson one, know your enemy! Know his likes and dislikes! Know his routine, right down to the last detail!"
"I already know more than I ever wanted to know!" Mallory snapped. "I've been following him around for three days now! I have had it! I'm starting to think you don't know the first thing about pranks!"
"Well, then I guess I will have to demonstrate," Duke replied. "Follow me."
Five minutes later they were seated in the bleachers, staring down at the empty rink.
Duke handed Mallory a pair of binoculars. "Look down there."
Mallory looked where Duke was pointing, at the aisle that surrounded the rink near the main entrance. Something shiny caught her eye. "Is that a gold coin?" She asked.
"No, but it is a good imitation of one, huh?" Duke said. "And it is coated with super-strength Teflon, courtesy of Tanya."
"You're losing it, L'Orange," Mallory said. "Why would you-"
"Patience, my dear." Duke said. "It is now twelve-thirty. Any second now Phil will be passing by, on his way to Wiener World for lunch."
Before Mallory could reply Phil came into view. He strode along as a confident pace, and then suddenly stopped short; he had spotted the coin. He reached down and picked it up. Immediately it jumped out of his hand, and landed on the ground. Phil tried again. Again the coin slipped out of his grasp. This time it rolled away. He chased it down and grabbed for it. Again it slipped away and rolled off. Phil chased it out of The Pond.
"Since I know Phil's routine, I knew where to lay the bait," Duke said. "And I knew Phil would chase the coin because I am familiar with his greedy nature."
"Okay, so you know how to pull a prank," Mallory snapped. "I'm still not following Nosedive around anymore."
"Very well," Duke said. "We'll move on to phase two."
**********
The next day, after Nosedive had left The Pond, Mallory and Duke slipped into his bedroom.
"Duke, as much as I want to get even with Nosedive, I don't know if we should be breaking into his room." Mallory said.
"We didn't break in, the door was unlocked," Duke replied. "Now that we know Nosedive's routine, we have to know more about Nosedive," Duke said. "Let's see what makes him tick."
"I'm not sure I want to know more," Mallory groaned. She surveyed the room; it was even messier than she had imagined. Clothes were scattered everywhere, along with pizza boxes and taco wrappers. Stacks of comic books took up all the space on his desk; Duke picked one up and leafed through it.
"Okay, we know how much he loves comic books," Mallory said. Suddenly her face lit up. "I know! I'll superglue all his comics shut!"
"Good idea, sweetheart, I'm impressed," Duke said. "But you need to think big. Check this out."
Duke folded the comic book and handed it to Mallory. She looked at the page; staring back at her was a fearsome looking alien in battle armor. Tentacles sprouted out from under his helmet, each one lined with spikes. He also had glowing red eyes and a mouthful of sharp, jagged teeth. Though she would never admit it, Mallory felt a slight chill creep along her spine.
"That's The Eliminator," Duke said. "He's the bad guy in the Zantar comic books. And Dive has a lot of Zantar comics."
"So?"
"You know Dive has an overactive imagination," Duke said. "Just think of how he'd react if he met The Eliminator face-to-face."
"He'd freak," Mallory said. She pictured it in her head and grinned slightly. "Too bad The Eliminator doesn't exist."
"Not yet, but he could," Duke said.
"What do you…?" Mallory began. Then it hit her. "You don't mean..."
"I'll bet you'd look fetching in green slime," Duke said.
"Duke, I've put up with a lot in the last few days," Mallory said, "But there is no way now how I am going to dress like some…"
Suddenly the doors whoosed open and Nosedive stepped in. He stopped short when he saw Mallory and Duke standing there. For several moments no one moved or spoke.
"Mallory, Duke…" Nosedive finally said. "I can't believe this."
"Nosedive, I can explain," Mallory gulped.
"I'm not blind, I know what's going on," Nosedive cried. "You and Duke are dating, and you're using my room as your secret love nest!"
"What!" Mallory exclaimed.
"Hey, I'm happy for you crazy kids, but from now on my private sanctuary is off limits, okay?" Dive said. "Why don't you try the utility closet? It's nice and cozy."
"What!" Mallory cried. She was too shocked and outraged to say anything else. But she did feel her hands balling into fists.
"Uh, sure kid, we're sorry," Duke said. He grabbed Mallory's arm and steered her towards the door. "Come on, honeybunch."
They left Nosedive's room and hurried down the hall; they had reached the control room when Mallory finally recovered from the shock.
"I…am...going…to…KILL HIM!!" She screamed.
She turned to go back to Dive's room, but Duke tightened his grip on her arm. "Hold on, sweetheart! You can't just barge into Dive's room and beat him up!"
"I'm not going to beat him up!" Mallory snapped. "I'm going to kill him! Weren't you listening?"
"I remember you yelling that you were going to play a prank that would have him crying for his mama," Duke said. "If you don't follow through Nosedive will have something to lord over you forever! Is that what you want?"
Mallory stopped. "Well, I still want to beat him up. But I'll do it after I prove who the better prankster is."
"Even if it means dressing like a certain Eliminator?" Duke asked.
Mallory hesitated. "Yes," she finally said. "But this plan had better work, L'Orange, or I'll…"
"Trust me, Mal," Duke interrupted. "This will be a prank none of us will ever forget."
**********
"Bye Thrash, bye Mook!" Dive yelled as his friends drove off. They had gone to The Taco Palace for Two for One Tuesdays, like they did every week, and stayed there talking until closing time. Once Thrash's car was out of sight Nosedive headed back towards the mall, where he had left the duckcycle. The streets were dark and quiet, except for the thunk thunk of Nosedive's heavy combat boots hitting the pavement.
He didn't notice the two figures watching him from the shadows. "Okay, Mal," Duke said. "He's almost at the mark. Are you ready?"
"I feel like a complete fool," Mallory snapped.
Her face was barely visible through her Eliminator costume. They had constructed that and a fake ray gun from old battle armor and other junk from the recycling bins in Tanya's lab. As the final touch the gun was filled with processed cheese, the kind Nosedive hated.
"You're not thinking about backing out now, are you?" Duke asked. "After all the hard work we've done?"
"What's this 'we' stuff? I followed Nosedive, I read all those Zantar comics to learn how to act like The Eliminator, and I sewed this costume together while you read magazines and offered advice that made me want to stick a needle in your eye!"
"Perfect!" Duke cried. "You're in the right frame of mind now! Do it just like we rehearsed and you'll blow him away!" Before Mallory could respond Duke pushed her into the street.
Mallory followed Nosedive at a distance, deliberately stomping her feet so he would hear her. She also began to groan, attempting to mimic the heavy breathing of The Eliminator. It didn't take Nosedive long to notice; every time he looked over his shoulder, Mallory quickly ducked out of sight. This went on for five blocks.
By the time Nosedive reached the parking lot, he was eager to get home. As he fumbled for his keys, Mallory moved in for the kill.
"NOOOOOSEDIIIIIIVE…" Mallory cried.
Nosedive spun around and saw Mallory approaching. She was careful to avoid walking under the streetlights; the red "eyes" of her costume glowed much brighter in the dark.
"Who…who are you?" Nosedive cried.
"Your worst nightmare," Mallory growled. "I am the scourge of the galaxy…the destroyer of worlds….I…am…THE ELIMINATOR!!" Mallory leaped forward, growling and waving the "gun."
Nosedive fell to his knees. "Oh please, Mr. Eliminator! I know you spare no one, but may I have one last request??"
"Very well," Mallory growled, enjoying the moment. "What is your request?"
"Say…CHEESE!" Nosedive yelled. He pulled out a camera and snapped a picture.
"Wha…" Mallory cried, stepping back. Nosedive took several more pictures, blinding her with the flash.
"And let's have one of us together," Nosedive said. He spun Mallory around and tossed the camera. Duke caught it and snapped a picture of the two of them.
"Beautiful! Okay, let's get a profile!" Duke said.
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!!" Mallory cried, shaking off Nosedive's arm. She tore the head off her costume and glared angrily at Nosedive and Duke.
"You two…" she growled. "You were in this together!!"
"Guilty," Nosedive replied. "This was my greatest prank ever!"
"And you Duke," Mallory snarled. "What was in this for you?"
"Payback," Duke replied. "No one uses up my hair gel and gets away with it."
"So…you set this whole thing up just to prank me," Mallory said.
Nosedive braced himself, waiting for Mallory to blow. But she didn't. Instead, she just sighed and shook her head.
"That's just great. You are sports heroes AND you routinely save the world. Millions of people look up to you. And you've got nothing better to do than plan and carry out some elaborate prank designed to humiliate me. Well, mission accomplished. I hope you're proud of yourselves."
Nosedive was confused. Mallory was not acting the way he expected. This was the greatest prank he'd ever pulled, and it went off without a hitch. But instead of celebrating, he felt the double weight of guilt and shame tugging at him, pulling him down.
"Well, I'm sure you guys have a lot of self-congratulatory stuff to do, high-fives, laughing out loud, that sort of thing. Don't let me stop you. I'm going home."
Mallory walked off. She looked so sad and lonely walking across the large dark parking lot by herself; Nosedive couldn't stand the guilt anymore. He ran after Mallory.
"Mal…Mal wait," he cried.
He was close enough to touch Mallory when she spun around. There was a flash of orange that knocked him off his feet. Mallory sprayed him with cheese from head to toe as he lay on the ground, until the gun ran dry.
"What-" Nosedive sputtered. He sat up and wiped the cheese from his eyes. Mallory and Duke were doubled over laughing. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" He yelled. "Duke, we were partners!"
"Yeah, and I was partners with Mallory," Duke replied. "You see…"
"Wait, Duke, let me," Mallory gasped, still weak from all the laughter. "You see, Nosedive, we are both tired of you and your pranks, so we came up with a prank so ingenious you could never ever top it. Duke came to me with a plan. He'd make you think he was working with you to prank me by working with me to prank you."
"Uh…okay," Nosedive said.
"Are you confused? I'd be happy to start again," Mallory said.
"No…that's okay."
"Come on! I know you don't get it! And if you don't get it the prank isn't nearly as funny!" Mallory pouted.
"Why don't you let me explain, sweetheart," Duke interjected. "After the last prank you played on Mallory, I approached her with the idea that together we would play a prank on you by making you think that you and I would play a prank on her. That meant that I would play both sides, like a double agent. I would work with you to make up a plan; in this case, make Mal dress up like a space alien and act nuts. But I would let Mal in on everything, and we came up with our own plan. We'd let you think you won, then fake you out!"
Nosedive thought for a moment. "Let me get this straight," he said. "Duke told me he'd help me play a big prank on you."
"Right," Mallory said.
"But he also told you that he'd help you play a big prank on me."
"Right," Mallory said.
"So I'm covered in cheese and you're dressed like a trick-or-treater," Nosedive said. "Who got pranked here?"
"You did! I just…that is, I…" Mallory stuttered. "You were pranked because you listened to Duke, and I…L'ORANGE! WHERE ARE YOU!"
Mallory and Nosedive looked around and saw Duke hightailing it out of the parking lot. In a split second they were after him.
"DUKE! YOU ARE SO DEAD!" Nosedive cried.
"COME BACK HERE AND FACE US LIKE A MAN!" Mallory screamed.
Nice to see the two of them getting along, Duke thought to himself as he ran for his life.
THE END