A/n: So it has finally come to pass and I have written a yaoi story. This comes with a slew of warnings: yaoi, hints of rape, and horrible cliches. Don't look for plot, because there is none. Hopefully you'll laugh. Maybe you won't. I don't care either way. What I do care about is you leaving me a review. I'm trying to entertain you and I'd appreciate it if you leave me something to read myself.

X groaned and rubbed his throbbing skull, feeling as though he'd been unconscious for a long, long time. His memories were fuzzier than they should have been. Signas had sent him and Zero out to fight Sigma again. Out came Vile and fight they did... and lost if X's surroundings said anything. He found himself in a dark, cold dungeon full of clichés and otherwise poor descriptions. It was easy to figure out what was going on, or about to go on. X fell back heavily onto the cot.

He didn't take his eyes off the ceiling as he heard a boot kick open the dungeon door. "Zero?" X asked hopefully.

"No, I'm so very sorry, sweet X." It was Vile and he was carrying two champagne glasses filled to the brim with antifreeze. X mentally cursed. "We need to talk," he purred, "I've been madly in love with you and your charming naïveté ever since I first groped your little blue ass with my ride armor."

"Okay, that's nice. So when can I- WHAT?" X froze as Vile went on.

"Please don't tell me you didn't know this," Vile scoffed.

"Well, actually…"

"I don't know how much more obvious I could have made it while keeping the games E rated! But since this is a fanfiction, that's going to change within a matter of minutes. X! You will understand what how much I love you and you will accept it without screaming! Moaning maybe, but I'd like if you could not scream, okay?"

X nodded knowingly. "You're uh… going to rape me now, aren't you?"

"Of course! I can't resist your body any longer. I must have you, my love." Vile drained one of the glasses in a single sip. Now this was an idea that didn't settle well with X. He wasn't in the mood for sex, certainly not with Vile and certainly not with him on the bottom, not after a horrible fight that left him locked up and Zero missing. Normally, X would have tolerated nothing like this. He had always been strong, confident, independent, and every other adjective that described the typical, young hero. It would be perfectly in character for him to recycle Vile into a flaming pile of neatly arranged scrap and possibly lament having to do so.

But before any of that occurred to him, our hero ran an internal body scan and discovered that physically he was in top shape except for his spine. According to the scan results, it had simply gone missing. That was certainly strange, as spines didn't just disappear like that. X unconsciously felt along the center of his back and still found the metallic vertebrae that held his upper body together. Regardless, X just couldn't find the will to jump up and single-handedly kick Vile into the nearest wall. Our hero still had an idea, though.

"Can I at least be on top?"

Vile downed the second glass of antifreeze. "I am so, so sorry, but that's impossible. Let me tell you why," he purred, plopping down next to his unwilling lover. X rolled his eyes. Sadly, it was looking more and more like he'd have to lie down and take it like a man. Why couldn't Vile just find a nice girl? "You know how Reploids are uh… anatomically correct, right?"

"Zero's made a few jokes. Where is he anyway?"

"When I was first activated, I just honest to God couldn't figure out what some of those things were for." So Vile was avoiding the subject of Zero, and easing his arm around X. Both were bad signs. "Namely, why do we all have asses? I just had mine welded shut. Oh, don't give me that look! It was useless! But now," Vile continued dramatically while forcing X to lie on his back, "now I know what they're for all thanks to you! A robotic ass is a tunnel of love! Now, I grow weary of this chit-chat, X."

X ignored Vile as he leaned in for a kiss. He was too busy thinking. Not necessarily thinking about getting raped, or even how to get out of the situation. That was all far too difficult to do without his proverbial spine. Vile had made some interesting points about Reploid structure.

"Wait," X said, "I was just thinking about something."

"You had better say it was about me making sweet robotlove to you."

X wrenched his hand from Vile's grasp to tap his chin thoughtfully. "Well, sort of. I mean, we're Reploids. Everything about us is metal, and being metal means we're not organic. That means we can't reproduce. So why do we even have…" X blushed and motioned downwards, "you know…at all?"

"I don't know," Vile snapped, capturing X's hand, "all I know is that mine's telling me to get a piece of your hot titanium ass."

"Wait."

"X, you're killing the mood."

"I'm sorry, I was thinking again."

"About me?" Vile asked hopefully.

"Sort of, but mostly about Sigma." X didn't even realize how horribly wrong that sounded. "You obviously don't plan on killing me unless you're into necrophilia. Are you?"

"No! Now shut up unless you plan on moaning my name," Vile sighed heavily, removed his shirt, and started pawing at X's.

"Not yet. Now rather than kill me, you're going to stick a non-lubricated metal rod up my ass which really has no reason for existing?"

"That and shoot you full of my robotic seed."

"Oh! You mean the antifreeze you just drank! That's fine; I needed some anyway. Could you do it in my elbow rather than my ass though? Antifreeze works so much better if it's stored in the compartment in my el-"

"Get to your point!"

"Wouldn't Sigma want you to kill me instead?"

"He likes to watch," Vile held still, to see if X would ask another obnoxious question. "Are you finally done? Because I'll not have you rationalizing while I ravish you." X smiled sweetly, and Vile attempted to kiss him and…

"W-wait."

"WHAT!"

"Where's Zero?" Suddenly yet predictably, a very familiar, very angry red Reploid sliced through the dungeon door. "Zero," X cheered, "I thought you were Maverick or dead...again."

"Zero," Vile snarled, "just what are you doing here?"

"The question is more…what are you doing here with X?"

"I'm trying to rape him. Now join me or go away."

For three horrible seconds, Zero seemed to consider Vile's words, but instead he sauntered over to the makeshift love nest. "I'm sorry," Zero began in a smug tone, "but I can't stand by while you rape my future lover. I am the only Reploid worthy of deflowering X," he gave Vile a hard stare. "Now get off him so I can get on."

X was stunned, so both Zero and Vile had apparently been after him romantically. Romance, sex especially, was never his area of expertise, but he imagined that losing one's virginity should not involve getting sodomized in a dungeon by a best friend or mortal enemy…or both. This was all just so sudden… and annoying.

Vile shook with anger over X. "Zero, you are not getting him."

"Yes I am."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"No-"

"I think we should let X choose."

"Zero."

"X, you are not involved in this conversation!"

"I win."

"Doesn't matter to me."

"Now just wait one damn second!" X surprised even himself with that. He actually felt angry, which was odd as angry was just never in his emotional vocabulary; and he never, ever cursed. It was actually sort of cathartic, no wonder Zero did it all the time. "I had no plans of losing my virginity on this mission!"

"Actually," Vile interrupted, "I was told once that it doesn't count unless-"

"But," X growled, "if you're forcing me to pick, I choose Zero."

"Huzzah!" Zero bodily hefted Vile off his future lover and hurled him outside, locking himself and X in the dungeon.

Vile grunted his displeasure and crawled to his feet, feeling incredibly jealous that Zero won out over him. Fate, however, was kind enough to offer him a small consolation- Sigma was too cheap to make the dungeon doors out of anything soundproof, so he could at least play voyeur. He pressed his helmeted head against the door and became relatively shocked at what he heard. Rather than the expected cries of agony from X and ecstasy from Zero, they seemed to be having a very engaging conversation.

"Good news, I found some jelly stashed under the bed. I don't think Vile knew it was here."

"Oh, KY?"

"No… grape. I think it'll have to do."

"I guess so. Alright, you ready?"

"I think. Go ahead." A sharp gasp, it sounded like X.

"Ouch! Hey, that really hurts!" Vile grinned, that was more like it.

"Oh God! I'm so, so sorry. What can I do to make it better?"

"You're stepping on my foot. Get off!"

"Oops." A crash. "Maybe we should try this another way. I'm pretty much balancing on one leg back here." Vile bit back a sigh. Zero was so lucky, even if X was an awful lot of trouble. But just to feel that tight little-

"Maybe this way then?"

"What do you think I am? A Cirque du Soleil contortionist? I'll show you how to do this." More shuffling

"Ow ow ow. Wait…ah, much better."

"X! What the hell are you doing? Quit pulling my hair!"

"I'm sorry, I have to hold on to something and your hair's everywhere!"

The conversing subsided, replaced by silence. That was mildly disappointing. Vile wanted at least a few good moans or screams, that way he could at least live vicariously through Zero. He perked up when he heard a new sound, almost like someone was crying, or panting. Either worked.

"Are you okay?"

"S-stop…hahahaha, that tickles." So it was laughter. "Ah, much bet-" A long, long pause, "what the hell was that?"

"I think I'm done."

"Finally!" There was a bit more shuffling and a few minutes later X walked out, beaming and tugging along a very disheveled looking Zero. Vile furtively glanced between the two.

"Wow Zero, you look pretty bad. I always thought you would have been-"

"I was! X was just confused…and that jelly was sticky. Don't talk to me about it."

"Fun though, wasn't it?" X asked.

"I'm not denying that."

"Damnit!" Vile yelled. "Everyone got some but me and Sigma!"

Yeah," Zero eased an arm around X, "sucks to be you."

-Fin

Yeah. Review? Please?