This will either be the best thing you'll ever read or the last (Its gonna be so bad it'll kill you).
I own Gossip Girl and I can be held legally responsible for all action taken by these characters.
Red white and blue, those are the colors of our flag. those were also the colors of chuck bass after he got in a fight. Those were the colors of blaire waldorf as well, after her morning mix of coffee and ciggarettes dipped in taquila. The two are meant for each other. Then Serena showed up ranting and raving about a fight she had with dan
"He looks like a dooche, blair!"
Nate walks in streaking. what s he doing in blairs house naked int he morning?
" this is not what it looks like, serena, and blair."
Blair was passed out the whole time.
"i was partying late last night when Russel crow enticed me to take 20 shots of tequila then me and blair had sex."
Serena-"Nate are you telling the truth?"
"No. What really happened was i was coming home in a cab and couldn't afford the tab. The dude told me to pay fo it i had to give him the clothes off my back. Then me and blair had sex"
"what"
the cab drivers name was blair."
"oh..typical nate."
"theres no shame if it was for money, so how ended up in blairs house and not my own? well when i got home my mom wouldnt let me in cause she said i wasnt her could have been because she wasnt my mom and i was at the wrong home, but we'lle never know now. so i wandered around for hours around blairs house until i found the door. then i passed out in the garabage and when blair came out to check for cockroaches, she found me. for some reason someone had come and vommitted in the trash after i had passed out in it, 2 hpurs later, she siad, she heard cockroaches and came out to stomp on them when she found me,
Dan comes rushing through the door.
"Serena, baby, i didn't mean to cut it. look i'll grow it back again just for you"
"dan i told you from the day we started dating, i had an armit hair fetish!"
"i couldt take it anymore, the lengths i went to hide it isnt worth you, ever since this hit gossip girl people dont acknowledge us anymore, they just assume we broke up already! i mean seriously, who would date me!"
"a crazy girl with an armpit hair fetish?"
"wow, lucky that your onem huh? come on baby"
they walk out happily.
vannessa comes in
"did someone say world of warcraft?"
Nate talks out of his ass, " faaaart"
"if you can talke out of your ass, can you shit out your mouth?"
"yes"
"he"enough!"
come in lily extremely mad.
"lily wats wrong?"
"my therapist says i dont know how to translate my emotions, so when bart died, i for some reason get really pissed. Maybe its the fact that after my reputation divorcing and stealing all their money from the settlement, i a, the number one suspect for barts murder. and because i cant channel my emotions i cant show any remorse!"
Everyones attention wasnt on lily anymore since chuck had walked in red white and blue. let me explain.
"chuck what happened" asked vannessa
"oh so you dont care about me anymore?" asked nate"when was the last time you asked me what happened!"
"my step dad beat me to a pulp with vegetables!"
Vannessa was astonished!"lily you already got remarried?"
"what? i had to support my family."
"you hoe, you married rufus hump-free!"
"someboy get him help!:" cried vannessa
"when have you ever cried fro help for me!"
nate started crying. as well as chuck, whio like i said, had the worst experience with the humphreys and thier veggies.
"wait a minute" said lily. 'why did rufus beat you up, hes such a kid hearted fella."
"well, remember like a year ago i seduced jenny, i mean tried to but was then brutally stopped before anything happened? well danned seemed to let this little info slip, but rufus thought it was recent and came to flay me. of course jenny had been at her moms for the month but by the time he realized this he had lost me and i had passed out in the middle of the street trying to escape child abuse. all he did was fling a couple of vegetables, it was the cars that wouldnt stop, but i blame him for everything!"
im prgnant and i dont know who the father is!"
thats horrible! said vannessa
this is what rufus thought, what my mother told him, but after he confronted me i wanted so bad to not lookstupid so i told him it was his. but god knows who the hell it is!it could have been the filipino boy i hired two weeks ago or blair, that cab driver."
Oh god, speaking of blair,we should probably stepp off her hair.
"why dont you jsut call a perimedic for her too, huh!" said nate in a way to try to offend her.
"i will, god!"
"uh oh, im giving birth!"
"Oh ok im calling the hospital!"
"no!"
said chuck out of nowhere
"this woman is lying! about everything! to try to steal the limelight from me, she made some pregnant balloney up, then to steal it from blair and me again, se used that to her advantage and-
-lily starts giving birth
"and got herself pregnant!"
Vannessa out of nowhere, "its a good thing i took those child recieving classes.
"i went to those with you, those werent child recieving, they were child making." said nate.
"no no, said chuck, you went with me, nate."
"oh yea"
"uh oh, ;et so,ething slip, lily dammit, continue giving birth, god just when you need her,
"Oo my water broke."
"Ew is that what that is!"
"I need a bed to lie down on" They all rush to Blair's bedroom and lily lies on the bed.
"so does this mean you did take child recieving classes, vannessa?"
"now that i thought about it, i actually took abortion classes, my mom said they'd come in handy on account of my sluttiness."
"was it really relevant to say that?" said chuck, "we all know where this prom night dumpster baby is gonna end up."
lil" said vannessa, "arent you gonna tell us chuck is a filthy gohnnarria infested hoochie who doesnt know his abc's form his cnn's?"
lily didnt reply
"oh god!" said vannessa, "what will you tell rufus?"
"what do you mean?"
"when you dont have a baby aafter having a baby?"
"oh rufus is totally on board with this =]"
"rufus?"
everyone says.
"yea, rufus."
"no" they say in unison, "rufus is here!"
"
"heyyy" says rufus, "this is were all the cool people from gossip girl hang out. Jenny, im being friends with your friends! yeah, she thinks im not cool , but wait till she finds out i got connections. hey guys, i knocked her up." he says grinning at lily
everyone is silent.
"oooouuuu! god do somthing!"
"woha, lil ,i thought we were cool now...does marriage mean nothing to people anymore."
"Shut up and get this thing out!"
"geez, ok i'll leave." .."wait unless you meant for me to take action not do the action"
"get out hump-free." said chuck from the shadows.
"Chuck."
"You dont belong here. And you never will."
Hold on! yells vannessa."if you and lily are married..why are your kids, also known as step-siblings, dating?"
"cause she only married you for money, then youll end up next to bart." said chuck coldly
"chuck that was cold." said vannessa
"but he has no money" said lily
"but i have no moeny" said rufus
"then shees in it for love, either way, this whore only wants one thing."
"chuck, dont you dare speak to your mother that way! She loves you!" said nate
"dude?"
"woah nate quit talking out your ass now child, chuck has been nothing but a monster all his life, i dont want to be part of the infamous looked down upon group of chuck lovers that lost 50% of their population a week ago." yes, lily did say that.
"someone else besides bart died!?"
"anyways..yea, besides, you wouldnt want to leave the been around the block and in the neighbor's husbands bed cult."
"vannessa!" snapped lily, "I didnt make you vice president to blabber its existence around! now can we please return to my being in labor."
"right, well, i see i was never meant to be a part of the popular clique so im just gonna leave."
rufus leaves.
"good, he's not gonna wanna see this." says vannessa getting a coat rack.
"vannessa, wait!" said nate."use pins!"
"no no, pins dont tend to hold on. coat racks get the job done."
"are you gonna abort the mission or not?" yelled chuck
"well, im busy right now chuck theres a mess of laundry here thats not even put in the dryer! who doesnt use dryers? whats weird is rufus's pet pieves is laudry hung out to dry, he hates medieval methods, he tried to strangle me with the line once."
"even if i wanted to i couldnt give two rats asses!"
"guys!" yelled nate," mrs. vanderwoodsen here is in a predicament wherein our attention is to be fully given to her!"
"nate?" said vannessa, "when did you decide to kiss ass."
"leave him alone, older women bring him to places he never knew existed." whispered chuck.
"well i must sy, the kinky boy is right, aaaah!"
"lily, i think you might just be having retractions, cause your giving birth one minute, then your fine the next."
"Or maybe she already had the baby?" said chuck look she's flat as a board.
"hold on, where the hell is your pregnancy fat! it took me years to get rid of mine! umm, baby fat ehehe. I mean MY OWN baby fat! "
"you tipped us off three times already, its not subtle any more, we know, your a whore." said chuck.
"oh uh.." said lily, "i guess you kids missed it. hehe. oh look he got away from me, ehe dont hide from mommy!"
"i think its clear what happened here." said chuck.
"what? that her baby's gone? c'mon look for him!" said nate checking under a paperweight.
"no you fool, she's ben hiding undryed laundry under her shirts to look pregnant!"
"Why!" yelled vannessa,"why wouldnt you dry your laundry!"
"hold on guys, lets not point fingers, why would you fake somthing like this mrs vanderwoodsen?" asked nate politely
"isnt it obvous" said chuck, "hump-free, the loathsome man he is, would never hook back up with a bitter hag suchs as she, she thought a baby would force them to be in each others lives again, well sorry to say but babyes actually rip people apart."
"he makes a point" said nate, "everytime i hear i knocked up a girl i have her banished from the island, but not her baby, that always makes for some fun.
"you kids couldnt be more off from the truth."
"what could possibly be farther from my truth and in touch with reality!"
"well..i was lonely."
"so you made an imaginary baby!?"
"no, i mean..while i was married to bart, lets just make this clear i wanted to drain him of his fortunes after divorcing him for violating my privacy and body. this man just handed it all, except for when he died but thats for another time. anyways while married to him he was always out scouting for people to check on me while he wasnt there, which is odd cause the only times he wasnt there was when he was scouting? well i got extremely bored and loveless so i turned to rufus, even thought marrying bart moved me farther apart from him. after bart died, i wanted to get with rufus finally but i knew he wouldnt want anything to do with me so i told him i was pregnant, when i discovered he actually wanted to go on that trip with me from season one and only got mad at the stupid baby i told him i'd have it aborted."
"how the hell was that not the angsty verion of what i said!"
"shut up chuck! this is a timeless love story!" said nate, " we've got to help these two! they belong together! theyve been so passionate but never at the same time, we have make their love a reality! make love to me mrs. vanderwoodsen!" he throws himslef at her.
she is utterly disgusted at this childs lack of self control
"well said chuck standing up, "i think its bout time for me to flee the premise."
nate gets up as well, "look lady if your not here to have a baby, abort a baby, ormake a baby, im gonna have to ask blair to ask you to leave.
"wait chuck", said lily."wherever your going, im coming with you, i dont think i can stay here with these freaks.
"you wanna take a filthy mud bath with 20 cuban wrestling strippers?"
"male?"
"and female."
"nah, i got stuff to do, you know with the kids, maybe some other time."
"hey you make the call i'll make the time."
both of them leave to their old lives.
"that was weird."
"you bet."
"wanna play scrabble?" said nate
"ooh strip scrable?"
"sweetey we dont have to scrabble to strip."
"i guess thats you mentality still being naked from this morning and all."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"oh no" said nate," am i on her hair again?"
"no!" said a woozy blair.
that skank is on my carpet! what are you even doing here?"
"i uh.." vannessa couldnt remember why, "someone needed to abort a baby.."
"what!"
"no abortion took place, here blair, or births, or even some fun. nothing happened it was just a big scam."
"well whatever. both of you get out!"
"what are you so mad about?"
"well its sunday, and my new tradition has been to drink and smoke myself silly, pass out and wake up screaming cause dorota caught my hair in the vaccume! "
"wait" said vanessa
"woah, you think you could start ordering me around just cause your in my house huh!?"
"i was gonna say how is it a tradition if its new? but i guess if blair waldorf says its true, you cant deny it. and how does being in someones house give them any reason to order someone around."
"look i dont know how you lesbians deal with things i just know that im not sober yet!"
"oh no, " said nate.
"what?" said avnnessa.
"if blair doesnt wake up sober she drinks so much and gets so drunk that she's in such a high mentaloty of drunkitude completely canceling itsself out to make her sober."
"oh"
5 minutes later after restrainng blair from alchahol by duct taping a fishing rod on her back dangeling the bottle just above her reach.
"so what the hell is strip scrabble anyways?" says blair
they were al sitting around a board of scrabble.
"well, its like scrabble, but you strip." said nate.
"yea and in scrabble you have to make words with the letters you have and whoever-"
"i know what scrabble is bitch. i wanna know why anyone would want to strip while playing this game the whole family can enjoy."
" so the whole family can enjoy. look if you cant make a legitament all american word, you take a piece of clothing off. starting with your bra" said nate, "ok blair you go first.
"haggus."
"hagus isnt a word."
"i thought it-"
"try again." said nate
"o ok um, freugle horn"
"never heard of it. vannessa you confirm?"
"um .. i guess i havnt.."
"keep looking"
"oh ok, oh look, lily"
"no names."
"but its a-"
"take off your clothes!"
"bullocks! this isnt even fair, nate isnt wearing clothes to begin with!"
"dont you people know the rules? if someones already stripped naked, they get to take the person next to them's clothes off.
"no,your thinking of sex."
"maybe, all i know is this is the best game ive ever invented."
"guys..i don;t think i like this. my mom says i must keep clothes on at all times."
"i thought u were a whore?" asked nate
"by night. im a movie maker by day."
"..what kind of movies?" said nate pervertedly
"pornography."
"o. thats kinda creepy. u know cause thats wat i was implying. but since u do..u know its freaky."
vanessa lookd down sadly.
"U SUK" shouted blair
then came in jenny and serenas bro
"Jenny!" yelled nate
"nate..." said jenny
"bitch." whispered blair
"michael!" said vanessa
"no ..not michael" said serensas bro.
"Vannessa!" says jenny
"jenny" says vanessa
jenny goes to all of them
"what are you doing in my house skank?"
Jenny freezes.
"shes reely drunk, jenn, dont mind her fowl language."
That was it. I just stopped typing after that. Hey you made it all the way here! Have a potato.