This is for a very dear friend I recently lost to suicide. I miss him terribly, and would like to tell all my readers that if you are struggling with depressive and/or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to loved ones and professionals and remember: you matter.
At age ten, Sabo believed that if his brothers needed him, he would be there in their defense. Anytime. Every time.
ㅡ
Sabo hears rumors of Sabody falling at the hands of a rookie pirate and that same rookie pirate punching a World Noble; he learns about the capture of Gol D. Roger's son, of Whitebeard's wrath and the whispers of war. He is told that Fire Fist Ace will be executed.
But the Chief of Staff of the Revolutionary Army has more important things to do than care about pirate politics. So he snorts fools and moves on.
ㅡ
Ace dies. Sabo remembers. It changes everything.
For three nights, Sabo loses his mind in guilt and grief and nothing his comrades say reach him.
Then, Sabo remembers, Luffy is alive. It changes everything.
ㅡ
Sabo is sincere when he tells Koala and Hack that his memories are back. He remembers who he used to be, who he wanted to become, and why. He remembers Ace and Luffy and their promise to be free. What else is there to know?
(Sabo could make faces that would make Ace and Luffy laugh until they couldn't breathe. Ace and Sabo told each other about their respective fathers after getting shit-faced drunk for the first time. Garp the Fist is a good man who took in three brats and tried to do right by them.)
ㅡ
"Little brother?" Luffy, disguised in a ridiculous face mask and cape, bristles at a stranger overstepping his boundaries. "Watch it! The only person who could call me that was Ace and someone who died much, much earlier!"
Heart twinging, Sabo waits because the truth isn't an easy or rational conclusion to come to. It certainly isn't the conclusion Sabo himself would ever reach but Luffy was always better than his older brothers at believing in the impossible.
"S-someone, who died…"
The pirate's eyes widen.
"Sabo? You're lying!" is Luffy's instant reply and he cries it out, every inch of his frame trembling. The look in Luffy's eyes is terrible, and Sabo really understands for perhaps the first time, that his brothers truly believed him to be dead.
"A long time ago," Sabo starts. He had spent sleepless nights, wracking his memories for the bright grins and shining declarations of his childhood, for moments no imposter could hope to know. In the end, he offers the memory he hasn't forgiven himself for forgetting. "We stole a bottle of sake from Dadan and made a promise-"
The wind is knocked out of Sabo when Luffy lunges forward to close the distance between them, bawling Sabo's name.
"What the hell," Luffy grabs Sabo around the neck with his arms and legs, with every inch of him his rubber limbs can reach and holds on. "Where've you been till now! I thought you were dead!"
The warmth and weight of his scrawny but grown up brother is a new thing, and Sabo lets Luffy bawl. Sabo was always the more patient one out of the two, though Sabo suspects that for something like this, even Ace would've let Luffy hold on a little longer.
"…Thank you Luffy," Sabo pulls back to make sure Luffy is looking at him, "I'm so glad you're alive."
Sabo can feel exactly how much the pirate freezes up, taking the words like a blow to the gut he wasn't expecting. Luffy is made of rubber; it's not often he looks so taut and brittle.
"But Sabo," his cry-baby brother, who grew up to become one of the most notorious pirate around, can't meet his eyes. "I let Ace get killed in front of me..!"
Luffy says it like it's his fault – worse, like Sabo would think it's Luffy's fault. Like Sabo hadn't known that Ace was a stubborn idiot who adored his little brother to bits but always thought he had to shed blood to prove it. Like Sabo wouldn't have done what Ace did, a hundred times over.
"I know." Sabo, perhaps the single person in the world who loved Ace as much as Luffy did, doesn't let his smile falter. His throat clenches and his heart weeps, but his smile doesn't dare falter. Sabo is an older brother and just like Ace, he has no hesitation in doing what an older brother must do. "Ace died, but you did well, surviving. I almost lost both of my brothers, without being able to do anything and if you had died as well, I would have ended up all alone!"
It's intentional, the way Sabo throws back the fear Luffy once told them as a seven year old. A reminder that there is something worse than dying.
From how Luffy's gaze snaps up, he remembers it too.
"Thank you," Sabo repeats. There are hundreds of things he wants to say, but only one thing Luffy really needs to hear from his older brother. "Thank you for being alive, Luffy."
ㅡ
Sabo takes the Mera Mera fruit and with it, Ace's will. The world should hope it will never test the depth of the oath he sears in the flames.
ㅡ
After Sabo's memories returned, the first thing he did was to find Dragon-san and offer the man his resignation from the position of Chief of Staff of the Revolutionary army. He could no longer remain as the second-in-command in good faith.
Because Sabo told Dragon, I lost my brother, but they both knew what Sabo really meant was: I won't lose another.
ㅡ
Because if his brother needs him, Sabo will be there, baring his claws and spitting fire in his brother's defense. Anytime. Every time.
This time.