Dayumm I'm on a roll :) ill try to update as much as I can before I am engulfed in midterms and other shitty tests...please excuse the cursing, but this poor Green-Eyed Monster has finally realized what he has done...GO ANGST xD ~TCW
It's all my fault. I see her, lying on the ground, her lips in a small smile as she takes her last breaths and leaves this world. Why, why did I have to be so cruel? Why couldn't have it been me? No, now's not the time for questions. The girl beside me, I don't even know her name, nor do I give a fuck about it, is standing next to me in shock. She has tears streaming down her eyes. She seemed so selfless...like May. I suppose that's why I went to talk to her in the first place. Little did I know it was a lie...she was nothing like May...
May, my eternal beauty, the love of my life. The girl who would make me smile my real smile, and not that fucking arrogant smirk. The little ball of sunshine that could turn your day around in a millisecond. Now you may be thinking Big fucking lie Drew. You don't care shit about her. But that's not true. Everything I did was to make sure she wasn't hurting. But apparently my plan backfired. I feel sorrow overtake my body as I look at her again. The cuts on her arms. The pool of red blood surrounding her. The empty bottle of sleeping pills on the floor. The tears are cascading down my face now. My body feels numb. Is this what she was talking about? How it feels so nice not to feel the pain? I have to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't be asking questions. I should be answering them.
You see, a few hours ago, I had to break the news to her family. That she was gone. That it was all my fault. Their faces will haunt me forever. Norman, tough, gym leader Norman, broke down crying in front of me. Her mother had a heart attack. Poor Caroline, she had always been frail. But she's ok now. God, and don't even get me started with Max. His eyes glared at me, pierced me, burned into my skull. His lower lip trembled and he started yelling insults me. I soaked each one of them up. I didn't care anymore. He had a right to be mad.
Reality is my own personal hell. Without May and her shining sapphire orbs, without her radiant smile, without her pouts and angry retorts to my insults, without her plump lips and blushing cheeks, without the tears she sheds when she thinks that I'm not looking, this world is nothing. Right now I'm sitting in my room, writing this letter...yea, I know I didn't start with the typical Dear so-and-so. I owe each and every one of you an explanation. Why I did the shit that I did.
May has always meant everything to me. Now you may not believe me, but it's true. She has always been sensitive and weak. Not coordinating wise, but just physically. She would cry for every insult...not that I blame her. I didn't want her to get hurt. I didn't want this exact thing to happen. Because I knew that if I gave my love to her, she would leave me. Now that I think about it, I guess it was all to keep from hurting me. I've had a fucked up childhood. No one to talk to, always alone, with just my little Buddew. It was never meant to be this way. I should have been the one dead.
But I thought she was ok. I mean, she practically flirted with every guy in sight. But I suppose that was because I was lip-locked with another man. I'm sorry you guys. I'm sorry that I've done so many horrible things to May. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for. I tried to stop her. I really did. Either way, reporters are hounding the center. It's quite scary actually, for them to be trying to force their way in with the flash of the cameras and the insistent questions.
I never knew she was hurting this much. I never knew she was cutting herself and getting into comas because of over dosage on sleeping pills. I never knew how much I loved her until she died. She's gone but I'll never accept it. I need her to keep me alive. Is this how she felt? Damn, I must have hurt her bad...I never meant for it to be this way. I don't know how many times I'm going to repeat myself and I know that no matter how many times I say it, she's not coming back and you'll never forgive me.
I understand the true meaning of love. And I ruined my chances of love with May every time I laid my hands on another girl. Speaking of the other girl, whose name I still do not know, she jumped on me. She started kissing me and my hormones took control over me. I'm sorry May. I now know how much it hurt you. I just hope that one day you can forgive me.
No, don't forgive me. I don't deserve your grace and forgiveness. You have given so much up just to try to be with me and I have done nothing but put you down, made you cry...and kill you. I can't deny the fact any longer. You're gone. I'm sorry. And I'll finally say the words that I should have said an eternity ago; words that would have changed this destiny you were fated for.
I love you.