Set 2 days after Tabula Rasa
Willow sat in her bed, a notebook and several pens resting before her. She was experiencing difficulties figuring a certain problem out...And any troublesome subject had to be dissected before its secrets could be revealed.
Tara had left her.
Manipulating her memory had been wrong...and true, the spell had put them all in danger. But…The Problem had started before that; it had precipitated the very action that convinced Tara to walk away.
The green pen danced in the air, detailing Tara's complains in the paper: magick was dangerous; it was being used too much, and not for the right reasons.
With the red pen, Willow wrote counter-arguments: magick was a tool, and tools were used to improve people's lives. The intelligent use of available resources separated humans from other animals. Honest and well-spirited intent set humans apart from demons. She wasn't abusing the magicks. She was just being a human.
Then why? Why would Tara be upset about it….?
Willow commanded the blue pen to write as she listed the spells used to improve their daily life:
1- Placing a never-ending roll of toilet paper in the bathroom.
2- Porting some sandwiches into Dawn's backpack when she forgot to take her lunch that one time.
3- Anya's party decorations.
4- Getting ready for school.
5- Keeping the house always clean.
Willow pursed her lips. This was all good! It had helped them save time and money. And it had make everyone's lives a little better…
Blue ink turned pen as she began another list. These were the most dangerous spells, used to help the gang and Buffy.
1- Telekinetic bond.
2- Keep track of every vampire in town.
3-Bringing Buffy back.
4-Materializing the demon.
5- Memory spell to help Buffy move on….
Willow grimaced; perhaps it would be fair to specify the negative effects of her spells. She picked the red pen…
Or maybe...just the overall impact the spells had. How positive they had been, how many lives they had improved and to what extent. Soon, each item on the list had a set of numbers next to them...and they left Willow displeased.
With the amount of power she possessed and the resources available...shouldn't those numbers be bigger? Shouldn't hundreds be benefited by her magick? Why was it always threes or fours….?
The only one with big numbers was the 3rd of the 2nd list….The hardest and most dangerous of them all….
And the most damaging as well…
Willow closed her eyes, a sudden pang of guilt squeezing her heart. What an horrendous crime she had committed. She should have made sure where Buffy was before moving to the resurrection spell. It was possible to do that; and it wasn't all that hard. A simple delay of a week or so, perhaps a few days of a headache…
But if Buffy was trapped in a Hell dimension like Angel had been, a week would have been endless months of great torment. Such a risk was unacceptable. Better take it for granted and spare Buffy from….
From an eternity of peace. There had been no Hell, no torment….as her friend had said: it was them who had dragged her into Hell...
Nol…..That was Buffy's depression talking. She was alive, and that's all that mattered. There would be all eternity to be dead. For now, it was life. And so Buffy felt like she was in Hell, but she would get over it. It was just...
Willow's eyes widened slightly. Buffy was...overwhelmed, beat down by the violence of the demon world, and pushed around by the heartless uncaring demands of the human world. And what was she doing to help? Just...assisting. A spell here...a spell there…
"I've outgrown you…" Willow pouted, glaring down at her lists. "...well...most of you, anyway..."
Perhaps...that was it. That's what got Tara so upset. She was using her magick wrong and for silly reasons. It was like using the most advanced computer in the world for...facebook and youtube videos…..Using Internet Explorer…
Feeling a fierce determination, Willow willed the papers to burst in flames. It was time to go pro.
Buffy wandered into the house, closing the door as an afterthought and throwing her wrinkled paper bag into the kitchen counter. She removed her stained coat; once a favorite, now it was filthy and shredded. The vamp had came out of nowhere; if it weren't for her Double Meat Palace stench, that night could have very well being her last.
Could have marked her third death…Would they bring her back again? Would she ever be allowed to die…?
Buffy sat at the kitchen counter, grabbing the bag and removing her cold Nuggets Filled with Bacon and cheese. She looked up, dead eyes trying to find a comfortable spot to settle one. They perched on Willow's concerned face. Buffy blinked.
"Bad day…?" Willow asked sheepishly, putting down her steaming cup of tea.
Buffy considered the question. It felt like a bad day...but it wasn't any different than any other of her days. So...was it really bad? Or it was like any other day? She hadn't been asked if her life sucked….Just the day. That day…
Willow tried to suppress tears as Buffy shrugged and offered her some nuggets. It was hard not to gag. She was sick of those nuggets and the stench they had. With a wave of her hand, the sad stained box transformed into a plate of gourmet chicken with mozzarella sticks and bacon strips. She smiled at Buffy, hoping to see that gloomy face brighten.
Her smile faded, and a slight scowl creased her brow. Buffy looked startled...and she was not snapping out of it. She was staring down at the food as if it had suddenly grown teeth and was oozing black smelly drool.
"It's good…" Willow assured her. "Better, anyway…"
She wanted to eat one of the nuggets to prove to Buffy it was all good...but the slayer hated it when people grabbed food off her plate. Willow's fear of getting glared at was getting smothered by the terrifying realization that Buffy didn't trust her anymore. It was an intense sudden thought: she had messed up so badly so many times that her friend was now afraid of her and her power…
Buffy flinched when Willow violated the integrity of her food yet again, this time to snatch a piece from the plate and throwing it into her mouth. Her bright happy face soon turned into a grimace. Chewing and swallowing was apparently a great sacrifice and Buffy thanked her Slayer instincts for saving her tonight yet again.
"It...it tastes the same…" Willow apologized. Her lower lip quivered; Buffy kept staring dully at her. "I...I am sorry…"
Buffy attempted a smile; it was a grimace. She pushed the plate away.
"It's okay. I wasn't hungry anyway…"
"The taste didn't change." Willow repeated hurriedly." I-I mean, its the same as before but….It just looks prettier…"
"That's okay…It's….Really….I was just eating for fun…" Buffy got up and took the plate to the thrash, emptying everything inside. "Gonna get fat."
Willow watched Buffy moving around the kitchen, placing the dirty new plate into the sink, heading for the fridge to drink some water, and then heading out. She moved so slow, every movement a sacrifice the muscles seemed unwilling to make.
"...I have a spell…" Willow blurted out as Buffy slugged away into the darkened house. "To exterminate the vampires."
Buffy's heart jumped to her throat. A pang of anguish: the thought of all vampires disappearing strangely saddening. Trepidation; the power such a task would require. Anger: a friend that kept hurting her over and over again continued to mess with things that were evidently too much for her to control...
"Oh…" Buffy said, the intense emotions subsiding as quickly as they had sparked. "...that….that sounds….big."
"It is!" Willow admitted. "But not as hard as….As other things I did….I can do it…And then, you won't be so tired anymore...You know...until others come…and...repopulate….If...they do that…" Willow smiled. "Nobody would argue about deporting those immigrants…!...though...most of them were born here….So…." Willow licked her lips and babbled on, desperate to see Buffy's unpleasant expression change into something better. To see some relief, some happiness, some...gratitude..."No more ruined coats and getting back late for a long time, at least…?"
"I-its okay, Will, you really don't have to do that." Buffy approached the counter, that mysterious sluggishness suddenly gone. "I can manage! I mean...it is what I was born to do...If there are no more vamps….I would be out of a job…! And that's never good."
Willow's face grew sullen. Buffy's trepidation increased tenfold. There was no way this wouldn't backfire on them, and the more powerful the spell, the worse the consequences would be. And considering this time Willow was aiming to mass-murd….mass-slay dozens-if not over a hundred-demons with one incantation…
"You think I can't do it?" Willow accused, sounding hurt. Buffy reprimanded herself in the privacy of her thoughts; she had gaped and stumbled with her words for far too long.
"Will….you make mistakes…" Buffy blurted out, desperate to keep Willow from uttering another word. Things could escalate so quickly into a disaster. For a moment, she bitterly wondered what sick god would give someone like Willow such a destructive and volatile power. It was like throwing gasoline into a flame. "I...I know you mean well...and you know I trust you...With my life….You've helped...many many times but….This just sounds too big...Too dangerous...So many things could go wrong and...Well, you will...attack something...I...you could end up...I don't know…"
"I can do it." Willow insisted; her eyes hardened. Buffy hated that look. "I...I'll make sure I do it right…"
That's what you alway say….
"Tara…!" Buffy blurted out and immediately regretted it, remembering what had happened just two days before. "I mean….I…."
"Tara can't handle this." Willow stated. Buffy blinked, taken aback by the hardened voice coming out of her friend's mouth, her green eyes-always so gentle and pensive-holding her gaze with unforgiving intensity. And as soon as that stranger appeared, it was gone. Willow averted her eyes, and her gentle voice stammered slightly. "I...I know I've messed up. A-a lot of times but….But I know this is serious….I will be careful. And I won't start until I'm not ready….It-it is late, anyway, to talk about this stuff? " She smiled apologetically as she stood from the chair. "I'm sorry. You are tired and...all bruisy….I should have waited till morning to drop this on you….Just...have a good night, 'kay?"
Buffy eyed Willow for a moment. Her instincts were stirred up again and there was no ignoring them. But there were no openings. The only words that came to her lips sounded like attacks; everything would be taken as an offense...which would result in an argument, which would do nothing but hurt and increase the fissure that had grown between them….And at the end of all that unpleasantness, things would still happen. Bad, painful, troublesome things….They would happen to her, to Dawn, to any of her friends, to the post office guy...to some poor stray dog…
"Good night." Buffy drawled.
"Good night." Willow smiled back.