Summary: A hurt and pissed off Amy Raudenfeld has always lashed out - throwing croquembouches, sleeping with Liam, attempting to sabotage Farrah's first marriage after her dad left them. But she's always had Karma by her side to keep her from going too far, and this is the first time she's lashed out at herself. My idea of post-S1.
Author's Note: This will be AU post-season 1, judging by the promos for S2. I wanted to wait and have it complete before posting it but I also wanted to have it up before S2 started. I've written it out of order so some updates will probably come faster than others, just bear with me please. Also, as a warning, there will be some original characters but none of them will be major players in the story (because personally, I'm not a fan of OCs being as important as one of the real characters). They're a means to an end, if you will. Anyway, enough of this - read, (hopefully) enjoy, and let me know what you think!
my heart's on my sleeve but it's turning black.
chapter 1.
Amy wakes up to a pounding against her temples and a painful throbbing between her legs. She can't remember anything from last night after eating cake with Lauren and drinking more champagne but she's not dumb, either. She doesn't have any clothes on and her skin is sticky with dried sweat. As much as she wishes it wasn't true it doesn't take long for her to realize what happened here.
She lost her virginity. To a guy she probably doesn't know on a night she can't remember. She might never find out who he is. This isn't what she wanted her first time to be like – after all, wasn't she the one who convinced Karma to wait, if only for a little while, to not lose her virginity to some guy who didn't love her? – but then again, her life has felt like a downward spiral lately that she's been powerless to stop. Maybe this is only fitting.
She can't remember a thing, but she still feels dirty. Like his touches tainted her, like she tainted herself. It's a feeling Amy can't get rid of even after she showers and washes her sheets and she wonders if it will ever go away.
She can't stand to have Karma staring at her so she puts the pictures of the two of them in a box in her closet and takes the Post-It notes Karma wrote her off the mannequin. But it still doesn't let her stop thinking of their conversation last night, of her stupid confession that ruined everything. Of the guilt that surrounds her now, even though she has nothing to feel guilty for. Not too long ago she would be dialing Karma's number right now, begging her best friend to help her make sense of this, to not judge her but to just sit and hold her hand while she wrapped her mind around it. But now she feels like she cheated, like she did something wrong, but at the same time she feels betrayed and hurt and stupid that she feels dirty for this in the first place.
So she checks the clock and makes sure Farrah and Bruce have left for their honeymoon before heading straight to the liquor cabinet and grabbing the biggest bottle they own.
An hour later, she doesn't have to think about it anymore.
xxx
Amy spends the weekend drinking and eating and silently watching Netflix with Lauren. They don't talk about anything deeper than what type of pizza to order and what to watch next but it's nice. Amy doesn't want to talk. It's nice to finally have someone who won't make her.
She's been ignoring texts and calls from Karma and Shane all day on Saturday, and she even gets a call from Liam that she refuses to answer – like she would want to talk to him, of all people, the guy who gets to have her best friend in ways she can only dream about – until Lauren finally takes her phone from her.
"If you're gonna hold onto that all night," she says, pointing to the bottle of tequila they've been sharing, "then you don't need your phone, anyway."
Amy nods and hands it over. She knows that if she keeps it she'll only end up giving in and calling Karma back and she can't do that. Not right now, not while her brain is still a mess and there's still a stabbing feeling in her chest from Karma's rejection. And especially not while the alcohol is making her brain fuzzy and, if Friday night was any indication, she does really stupid shit while she's drunk and mad and hurt. (Although really, she's always known that her and anger don't mesh well.)
She takes another sip from the bottle, only removing it from her lips when she feels Lauren's fingers gently pull it away. "Share, dammit," the other blonde mutters before pressing it to her own mouth.
xxx
Monday morning comes too soon. Amy has been fine sitting around at home, where she knows she won't be around Karma. Where there's alcohol to keep her from thinking about Karma and obsessing over the identity of the person she slept with. Where she doesn't have to deal with the mess she's created for herself.
Bruce and Farrah are still gone so she considers skipping, if only to put off facing Karma for another day. She hates skipping school, hates the feeling that she may have missed something important, but she thinks this would be a worthy time to skip. She pitches the idea to Lauren, who scoffs and tells her to grow some balls. "If something happens," she says simply, and Amy realizes that Lauren is also thinking about her own personal situation, with Tommy and the pills, "you don't want the whole school to think you're running away."
So Amy goes to school and spends the morning avoiding Karma. She walks around the building to avoid the lawn where they usually sit and talk before they have to separate for first period. She heads straight to the roof instead, deciding that it's her best bet at not having Karma find her. She goes the long way to her first period class, hoping to avoid seeing Karma in the hallway.
But second period inevitably comes and before she can think of a back-up plan (planning has never been her strong suit; Karma plans and she cleans up, that's just the way it is) she is stuck in the same room with Karma for an hour and fifteen minutes. Normally she sits right behind her best friend, but today she goes straight to the empty seat in the back. Everyone's eyes are on her, except for Karma's, and she knows that all of the hushed whispers revolve around her.
She misses the days when only ten people in the whole school knew her name.
Karma doesn't look at her, doesn't try to talk to her. At first, Amy is grateful – she is still reeling from the rejection the other night and waking up to find someone had taken her virginity – but the more she thinks about it, the more it confuses her and sends up red flags in her brain. Saturday, Karma had blown her phone up with texts and calls. Then Sunday it had been radio silence and today she may as well not exist.
Amy knows it isn't something simple, like Karma respecting her need for some space. Karma doesn't work like that. She pushes her way in until Amy can't help but forgive her. She doesn't handle space and distance well. No, Karma has to be mad at her. Amy just doesn't know why.
The teacher talks and writes notes on the board but Amy can't focus long enough to know what he's talking about. Instead her gaze travels between the back of Karma's head and her own hands, where she's nervously picking at her nails. Her thoughts stay locked on trying to figure out what she did and what, if anything, she's going to do to try to fix it.
She knows she can't handle being 'just friends' with Karma right now. Maybe later – hopefully later – but not right now. Not when all she can think about are things that 'just friends' shouldn't be thinking about. Not when she's still holding out hope that Karma might actually like her back.
So does it even matter that Karma might be mad? Maybe it's actually a blessing in a disguise. Maybe it's a way out for her. A way for her to let go of Karma and it not be all her own fault. A way for it to be easier for her to move on.
The bells rings and it jerks her out of her thoughts. Amy vaguely registers the teacher saying something about homework but she doesn't catch the assignment, realizing now that she hadn't even taken out her notebook. She shakes her head at herself and picks up her book bag, making it out of the room before the teacher stops talking.
She's just about to disappear into the crowd of students starting to fill the hallway when a hand curls around her arm and pulls her to the side, away from the multitude of people. Her muscles tense of their own accord. Amy turns, startled, her mouth open and ready to cuss at whoever snuck up on her, when she realizes it's Karma and she ends up speechless. Another second and she notices that Karma is shaking.
"How the hell could you do that to me?" Karma isn't quite yelling but she isn't exactly concerned with keeping it a private conversation, either, and Amy notices a few people turning to look. "I know you were upset, but God, Amy, that was fucking low!"
"What are you talking about?" She feels the dread coiling in her stomach as she wracks her brain for what she could have done. The fact that she keeps coming up empty just makes her heart beat faster and the air feel heavier, hotter, like it's suffocating her instead of keeping her alive.
"What the fuck do you think I'm talking about, Amy? You fucking slept with Liam!"
Amy recoils. "I didn't sleep with Liam," she says, eyebrows furrowed and the name coming out with the harsh disgust she can never hide no matter how hard she tries. It isn't until after the words are out that the wheels start turning in her brain. She doesn't know for sure that she didn't, she realizes. She doesn't know who she slept with on Friday.
And to think, she thought things were bad before this.
"Well, he and Shane sure seem to think differently," she snaps. "I can't believe you would lie-"
"Wait, Shane?" Because Shane wouldn't lie. Shane is her friend, too, and he wouldn't do that to her, wouldn't tell Karma if it wasn't true.
"Yeah, Shane. You know, Liam's best friend? The person Liam tells everything to?"
Amy doesn't even make a remark about Karma's sarcasm, instead stepping back as Karma continues to rant and the crowd around them grows. "I slept with Liam?" she says, almost whispers. "I slept with Liam."
"God, stop saying it!"
Amy blinks, feels the nausea pushing its way up from her stomach. Karma hasn't stopped screaming at her but Amy has stopped paying attention. It's getting harder to breathe and all she knows is that she can't stay there anymore.
"Where are you going?" she hears Karma yell behind her as she turns and pushes her way through the crowd. She just needs some air. No, she needs a toilet, or a trashcan, or something.
She makes it into the bathroom stall in just enough time to vomit. She can't believe she could do that to her best friend, but apparently she can. Apparently she did. Liam seems nice enough, she guesses, but she's not attracted to him, doesn't even like him. Which makes her think that her drunk self did it just to get back at Karma. And God, how fucked is that?
She wants to cry but can't find the tears. She feels like she doesn't have a right to cry. This is all her fault. This is her mess. Her feelings, her confession, her one night stand.
She flushes the toilet and pulls herself up off the floor, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She stares at her reflection in the sink for a moment, wondering how she got here – how she went from the innocent little three year old who believed in Santa Claus and happy endings to the sixteen year old who fucks her best friend's boyfriend just to get back at her for not loving her. How does that transformation even happen?
The cold water feels good on her hands so she wipes some on her face too. Her skin is starting to stop feeling like it's been set on fire. Her lungs are starting to work again, bringing in the right amount of air with each breath. Her hands are beginning to stop shaking, her stomach is beginning to settle down, her –
The door bursts open and suddenly there's Lauren, in all her dolled-up glory. "I heard about what just happened," she says sympathetically. "But really, Liam Booker? I thought you had standards."
Amy groans. "I was drunk! I don't even remember it. I didn't know it was him until five minutes ago. Karma knew before I did."
Lauren grimaces, fishing around in her purse for something. "Well," she says, "as far as all those people out there know, you're the only one out of the two of you who has slept with him. Which means they all think you cheated on Karma with Liam. Just be prepared for that."
Then she smiles victoriously, pulling a new toothbrush and tube of toothpaste out of her purse. "Here. Your breath stinks."
Amy takes the toothbrush, eyebrows raised but knowing better than to ask any questions.
"Karma dragged me into this," she says as she struggles with the cardboard that protects the toothbrush. They both ignore the bell that signals third period. "She pulled me into this fake lesbian mess, made me out myself to Mom, broke my heart. She did all of this. How did I become the bad guy?"
"I don't know, Amy. I really don't."
Amy ducks her head and takes a shaky breath. Lauren waits patiently as she brushes her teeth and then they leave the bathroom together, Lauren walking by her side through the empty hallways until they have to go into separate classrooms. Lauren leaves her with a small smile and a soft squeeze on her shoulder before disappearing into the room, and Amy takes a deep breath to prepare herself as she walks the ten feet down the hall towards her own class.
When she walks in, every eye in her third period is on her. She's late and the teacher has already started the lesson but even Mrs. Daniels stops to let them whisper. She doesn't command their attention until Amy is settled in her seat, face beet red and slouching low.
After class resumes Amy can still feel their eyes on her. Even Mrs. Daniels' focus lingers on her more than usual and she cringes.
She really wishes she had skipped school now.
Or at least thought to bring a drink along with her.
xxx
Lunch brings more stares and more whispers. She's the bad guy as far as the school is concerned, the bitch who cheated on her sweet girlfriend Karma and broke her heart. (She thinks about the sex addiction Karma tried to sell last time they "broke up" and she wishes that she could at least appreciate the irony right now.)
She's looking around for a place to sit – made harder by the hundred pairs of eyes focused right on her – when Shane comes up and grabs her hand. He silently leads her to an empty table in the back and she follows, not sure exactly what to expect. Up until now, Shane has been her confidante, but at the same time, he is Liam's best friend. She doesn't know how but at some point, between baring her soul to him and hanging out after school, she had forgotten about his obvious loyalty to Liam.
Which, if she's being honest, is another thing she should add to her growing list of "Things You Should Have Thought Through."
"What?" she says, eyebrows raised, after they've sat down and he still continues to just stare at her expectantly.
"You slept with Liam. What happened to being Karmasexual?"
She hesitates and considers just telling him that she doesn't want to talk about it before explaining the situation from her point of view. She tells him that she doesn't even remember sleeping with Liam. That before that, she confessed her feelings to Karma, was rejected, and drowned her feelings in glass after glass of champagne.
"Wait," he says slowly when she's finished, "so Karma slept with Liam already, too?"
"Yeah. A couple of weeks ago, apparently."
"I'm sorry, Amy, I really am."
She shrugs and picks at her food. "It's not your fault. I just wish I wasn't currently the school's trending topic."
He grimaces. "Is there anything I can do?"
She's about to say no when an idea pops into her head and she looks at him sheepishly. "Actually, there might be something you can do for me…"
He raises an eyebrow and waves a hand for her to continue.
"Do you think you could get me a fake ID?"
He smirks. "I know I can. Why?"
"I thought maybe I could try that bar again. I mean, Karma's probably off somewhere wishing I was dead right now, so I may as well try to move on."
She's not really interested in moving on, but she thinks it'll work well enough to get Shane to agree to get her a fake ID. 'Oh, I just want to be able to buy enough alcohol to drink my feelings away and my mom will be home soon so I can't keep raiding the liquor cabinet' doesn't seem like the best way to get what she wants.
"I'll have it for you by Wednesday. Promise."
"Thanks, Shane."
xxx
Wednesday comes and goes and Amy has a nice new fake ID in her wallet. Friday comes and Shane drags her to the bar, intent on helping her find someone to help her get over Karma. "This moping around is not good for you," he says, and she would have argued or offered a sarcastic comment but he follows it up by saying that he saw Karma and Liam talking at school that morning and she decides that she really wouldn't mind getting a little drunk.
She takes another sip of the too-fruity drink Shane ordered for her (because apparently, the vodka shots she wanted "are always a bad idea"). All she knows is that this is the third one she's had and it is finally starting to kick in. Her head is just now beginning to feel lighter, her thoughts beginning to come slower, the idea of Karma starting to hurt just a little less. Shane disappeared almost half an hour ago to flirt with some cute guy who had been making eyes at him from across the room, leaving Amy alone to her thoughts, and so she's more than grateful for the alcohol.
She downs the rest of the drink and signals the bartender for another one. All she wants is to get a little closer to drunk, then go home to get some sleep. She isn't quite ready to move on from Karma yet, and besides, she's not good at talking to random people. Especially not when it requires flirting. The last time she was here, when she crashed and burned multiple times in front of the whole restaurant, should have been proof enough of that.
Just as the bartender slides her newly refilled drink into her hands, someone sits down on the stool beside her. Amy turns to look, taking in the dark black hair and bright blue eyes of the girl beside her. She's pretty, Amy notices, and she smiles politely before looking back at her drink.
"You ever been here before?" the girl says, and for the first time it crosses Amy's mind that she came over to talk to her. A glance among the bar tells her that she's probably right, since there's a good number of stools open.
"Once."
The girl grins. "Let me guess," she says, "you're a newborn?"
"Newborn?"
"Like a baby lesbian."
Amy takes a sip of her drink, trying to buy enough time to think. "I don't know," she answers honestly. "I fell in love with my best friend and, well, now here I am."
"We've all got to figure it out sometime."
"I guess."
"I'm Rachel."
"Amy."
"So, Amy, tell me a little bit about yourself."
Amy hesitates, then begins talking about some things she feels safe with. She carefully avoids her age – obviously the bartender thinks she's 21, but she isn't about to lie straight to this other girl's face – and instead only mentions her mother's recent marriage, her allergy to peanuts, and her love of Netflix.
Rachel responds with facts of her own. She's 22, a senior in college, and just got out of a three-year relationship. She hates cats but loves dogs and her favorite color is green.
Then as quickly as that started it's over, and she can tell the mood is changing by the serious look that crosses Rachel's face.
"Okay, Amy," she says slowly, "I don't like beating around the bush. So I'm just going to be honest, okay? I'm not looking for a relationship or anything serious. But I'd like to give you my number, and if you ever want somebody to, I don't know, show you the ropes-"
Images of Karma and Liam flash through Amy's mind. Rachel keeps talking but all Amy hears is Shane's warning: "Karma and Liam were talking this morning before first period." All she can think about is Karma moving on, forgetting about her, while she's pining over something she'll never have. About Karma being willing to talk to Liam at school, but not willing to so much as glance in Amy's direction.
Amy snaps back to the present when Rachel slides over a napkin with a phone number on it before smiling and sliding out of the stool. Amy holds the napkin for a second, eyes running over the numbers, trying to decide where she's supposed to go from here. Is she really going to consider taking this random girl up on her offer?
She searches for Shane, eyes combing over the entire bar, until she finds him in the corner. He and the cute guy from earlier are making out against the wall, and that's when she decides. If Shane can do it, why can't she?
She pockets the napkin and drains the rest of her drink. When she stands up, she realizes she's a little bit tipsier than she realized, and whatever it was Shane ordered for her must have been a little stronger than she thought. Her eyes scan the room for Rachel, and then she spots her walking out of the bathroom.
Amy gathers all the courage she has left in her and heads towards the other girl. As she nears the hallway, Rachel notices her and smiles at her.
"Did you already make up your-"
Amy cuts her off, her lips pressing firmly against Rachel's. Panic rises up in her, terror that she's made a horrible mistake, but then Rachel is kissing her back just as fiercely and she stops thinking. She hears a thud as she presses Rachel up against the wall but she doesn't focus on it, just focuses on the tongue colliding with hers, on the hand in her hair.
Kissing her is like kissing Liam, like kissing Oliver, like something that should take her breath away and make her head swim but just doesn't. Rachel's hand slides under her shirt, ghosts across her stomach, hand grabbing at a breast and Amy's body responds in a way that her brain doesn't. There's a feeling starting in the pit of her stomach and she relaxes, suddenly relieved. Even if it's not like kissing Karma – no tingling in her bones, no rush through her brain, no stars in her eyes – at least she can enjoy it.
She finds herself disappointed as Rachel pulls away, as she realizes the slight head rush she was hoping for – the one that always follows a kiss with Karma – never shows up.
As soon as they're separated, Rachel laughs. "You wanna get out of here?" she asks, and Amy knows exactly what that means but it doesn't seem like it's as big of a deal as it should be. She knows she should be freaking out right now, but between the alcohol and the feeling in the pit of her stomach and "Karma and Liam are talking again" her brain is too crowded for any other thoughts.
And hell, she already slept with Liam, so what's the harm in sleeping with someone and actually being able to remember it?
"Sure," she finds herself saying. "Just let me go tell my friend I'm leaving, okay?"
Rachel nods and lets Amy know she'll be waiting at the bar. Amy heads towards Shane, feeling relieved when she finds that he and the guy are no longer making out. She pulls him away for a moment, shooting an apologetic grin at the guy he's with, then starts ranting.
"Okay so there's this girl over there named Rachel. She gave me her number and we kissed but now she wants me to leave with her and I already said yes so I just need-"
"Whoa, whoa, Amy, calm down." Shane's hands land on her shoulders and he tilts his head down until their eyes are level. "I need you to talk slower. And calmer."
She takes a deep breath. "I'm leaving with this girl named Rachel," she says, shifting nervously, "and I need you to tell me that I'm not crazy for leaving with her."
Shane grins. "You're not crazy," he says, "just make sure you text me when you get to her place and when you're leaving, okay? Oh, and let me know where you end up going. Other than that, go get 'em, tiger." He winks, giving her a tight hug and then a gentle push away. "And quit cockblocking me!"
She laughs, promising to do everything he said before heading back towards Rachel. The dark-haired girl greets her with another rough kiss that tastes of liquor and crackers before leading her out to a nice red Honda.
Amy ignores the jittery nerves in her stomach and focuses on the buzz of alcohol in her brain and the tingle on her lips and the hot brunette next to her.