Don't let go

by Anae-chan

Set on the last minutes of third season. While seeing someone who we love to die in front of our eyes, memories start to pop up. This is how it happens to Sam.

Title: Don't let go
Author: Anae
Beta: Charisma
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: T / R
Warnings: Character death
Spoilers: Until 3rd season's end.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Boys belong to Kripke (darn there) and the song is Story of the Year - Until the Day I Die and it belongs to them. I don't even own the boys' lines here. Tsk, tsk.
A/N: Firstly, thanks to Charisma and Mr. Ackles who helped me a lot with this one. Secondly... This is a little older fic of mine, but I thought it's worth of being published here. It's set on the last minutes of third season. While seeing someone who we love to die in front of our eyes, memories start to pop up. This is how it happens to Sam.

"Sam, that's not Ruby."

Sam turned back to the young woman, his brother's words echoing in his head. If this was not Ruby, then there was only one option. Lilith. Sam raised his hand in which he was holding their only weapon; a knife that could kill a demon.

"It's not Ruby!"

He stroke, hearing his brother's yell on the background. But Lilith was a demon, whereas the brothers were mere humans; she waved her hand, throwing Sam painfully to the wall. When his back hit the wall, the knife, their last hope, fell to the floor. Then it was Dean's turn; he was pushed without a touch onto the table.

Sam didn't like that Ruby was sent away. He didn't like that Lilith actually kissed him. He didn't like it at all, but it didn't matter. Lilith could have him if that's what it was all about. Sam just wanted her to free Dean from his deal, but no. That wasn't enough for her.

That's why she kept both brothers in their places, letting them feel helpless. Sam would just have to watch how his beloved brother would die and go to Hell. And so she opened one of the two white doors that kept the hellhounds away from Dean. "Sick 'em, boys."

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you
I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

Sam barked a laughter. "You know, if you're hinting and you need my help, just ask."

"I'm not hinting anything", was the answer. The brothers were talking on the phone because they had had a little fight about whether they were going after dad or not. Sam had decided to leave, though John had told otherwise, and Dean wanted to listen to their father. They had separated exchanging words all but nice. "Actually… Um… I want you to know… I mean… Don't think…"

The younger Winchester knew what his brother was trying to tell him. "Yeah. I'm sorry too."

"Sam. You were right. You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life." Baby brother couldn't believe his ears. Dean was telling him that he was doing the right thing? Going against their father's will? "You serious?"

"You've always known what you want. And you go after it. Stand up to dad. And you always have. Hell, I wish I…" A pause. "Anyway. I admire that about you. I'm proud of you, Sammy."

At this point Sam could feel his eyes starting to water a bit. His brother, who he had been looking up to since a four-year-old kid, was admiring him? In Sam's opinion, Dean had always been the stronger and the better one of them. "I don't even know what to say."

"Say you'll take care of yourself", came the mild, caring answer.

Sam had no answer to that. "I will", he said, hoping that Dean would take care of himself too. But he didn't say that aloud. He knew Dean was going to be okay. This was Dean they were talking about. He would always be there.

"Where were you last night?" Sam asked. Dean had been dying, and their father and been God knows were. It was as if he didn't care at all what would happen to his oldest son.

"I had some things to take care of", came the elusive answer.

"Well, that's specific", Sam noted.

Dean had to know that his brother was going to listen him, but he decided to give it a try. Once again. "C'mon, Sam."

"Did you go after the demon?" And once again, Sam ignored Dean's plea.

"No."

Sam was not going to buy that. John had all the things he needed to summon a demon. No, not a demon. The demon. The demon that had killed their mother and who was responsible for Dean almost dying. What other things would John have had to take care of, when one of his sons was dying? "You know, why don't I believe you right now?"

John stepped closer. "Can we not fight?" he asked. It wasn't an order, just a powerless plea. "You know, half of the time we're fighting I don't know what we're fighting about. We're just butting heads. Sammy, I've made some mistakes. But I've always done the best I could. I just don't wanna fight anymore, okay?"

Sam listened quietly what John had to say and it was like a hit to the heart. Of course it was okay not to fight anymore but… That just didn't sound like the man he knew. "Dad, are you alright?"

"Yeah", was the answer with a tiny smile. "Yeah, I'm just a little tired. Hey Sam, would you mind a… Would you mind getting me cup of caffeine?"

"Yeah. Yeah, sure", Sam answered, not sure what else to say. He was already sorry about trying to pick a fight, and while leaving the room, he was thinking of an apology. Sam could not have known that it was the last time he talked to his father.

Tell me the truth." There was no answer. Just uneasiness. "Dean, tell me the truth."

"Sam…" Dean started. But he didn't know how to continue. He could just shake his head and then lower it.

At that moment, Sam knew. He knew Dean had made a deal like their dad had before him. Like father, like son. Now Sam knew how Dean had been feeling. It hurt like hell. Dean was going to Hell because he was alive again. "How long did you get?"

It took time for Dean to answer. At least he looked his brother in the eye when he answered. "One year." A pause. "I got one year."

"You shouldn't have done that", Sam told him. There were tears in his eyes, and he had to hold them back. But there was also another feeling rising underneath. Anger.

"How could you do that?"

"Don't get mad at me", Dean told him, rising up from leaning to Impala. "Don't you do that." And did someone claim that it was Sam who had the puppy look in his eyes? Dean had that now, and just by looking straight into his brother's eyes, Sam couldn't be angry. Just couldn't. "I had to. I had to look out for you, that's my job."

"What do you think my job is?"

"What?" Dean asked, puzzled.

"You save my life. Over and over. And you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the same?" Sam explained. Yes, it was true that Dean had saved him, a lot more often than he had saved Dean. But it certainly didn't mean he wasn't ready to do that too. "You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I don't care what it takes, but I'll get you out of this. Guess I'm gonna have to save your ass for a change."

Sam was certain of his words. They, he, would find a way, no matter what. They wouldn't let Dean go to Hell. They'd find a way.

Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

It was Christmas Eve in 1991, in Broken Bow, Nebraska. The two brothers were sitting on the old couch. The youngest one of them had found out yesterday that monsters, spirits and demons… They were real.

"Here. Take this", Sam said, giving a Christmas present that was wrapped in old newspaper, to his brother.

Dean shook his head. "No. That's for dad." It was, originally. But since he hadn't come back and hadn't told him about the cruel reality, Sam wasn't sure he wanted to give it to him. "Dad lied to me. I want you to have it."

"You sure?" Dean asked, an unsure look in his eyes. He wasn't sure what to do.

"I'm sure", Sam answered. Dad didn't deserve it. He honestly wanted Dean to have it.

Therefore Dean took the small present and opened it. It was a necklace. Sam knew Dean had never seen it before. He had been certain at that, and with any luck, the necklace was unique. "Thank you, Sam. I… I love it."

The best thing was that Dean meant those words. At that moment, he put the necklace on his neck, and never took that away. Since that Christmas, he wore it constantly. It meant a lot more to Sam that he'd ever admit.

All the streets where I walked alone, with nowhere to go
I've come to an end

"You know what?" Sam asked, grabbing his brother's hand but immediately letting it go. All he needed was Dean's attention. "I've had it. I've been bending over backwards trying to be nice to you, and I don't care anymore."

"That didn't last long."

"Yeah, well, you know what? I've been busting my ass trying to keep you alive Dean, and you act like you couldn't care less. What, you got some kind of death wish or something?" Sam knew he should have cared, but he had been trying so hard to find a way to save Dean, who didn't even want to give it a try. It was so frustrating. It was like he had been alone in this mess, without Dean, and finding nothing to help him.

"No, it's not like that", his brother answered immediately.

"Then what's it like, Dean?"

And Dean told him. His words were like a slap to Sam's face. Even if they broke the deal, they would lose. Sam would die. Was there any way to win? "How could you make that deal, Dean?"

The answer was the truth, it was all but satisfying, however. Dean couldn't live with him dead, but he was supposed to live and let Dean die? "That's the general idea, yeah."

"You're a hypocrite, Dean", Sam said, walking right in front of his brother, blocking his way. "How did you feel when dad sold his soul for you? 'Cos I was there. I remember. You were twisted and broken. And now you're going to do the same thing. To me. What you did was selfish." Sam could see the surprise on Dean's face. He knew it was wrong to blame it all on Dean, but Dean wasn't going to be the one left alone. He wouldn't have to feel twisted and broken, and alone.

"Yeah, you're right. It was selfish. But I'm okay with that", Dean answered a bit surprised but still acting like nothing was wrong.

"I'm not." After those words Dean told Sam that he was tired, and even compared the light at the end of the tunnel to hellfire. Why couldn't he just understand how much it hurt even to think about letting go? With Dean gone, there would be nothing, nowhere to go. Just aching loneliness.

"Whatever. You're alive, I feel good, for first time in a long time. I got a year to live, Sam. I'd like to make a most of it. So what do you say we kill some evil son of a bitches and raise a little hell, huh?" Dean asked, a smile playing on his features as he passed his baby brother and walked to the car.

Sam had no answer to that. "You're unbelievable."

"Very true", Dean answered, smiling widely, not minding that he would be in Hell within a year.

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

"Sam."

"Yeah?" Sam answered. The brothers had just sat down into the Impala. They both had been inside Dean's head, though separated. Sam had seen no one but Jeremy, who was the one they owed a thank you for that unwanted little trip, and he had no idea what Dean had seen. His brother claimed that he had been looking for Sam all of the time, but the younger one was quite sure that wasn't the case.

"I've been doing some digging… And… Well, the thing is…" Dean was struggling with his words. And it wasn't a good sign. "I don't wanna die. I don't wanna go to Hell."

Sam could feel his heart melt. This was probably the first time his brother actually admitted that. Something had happened inside his head, all thanks to Jeremy, and though Sam most likely would never hear it all, he could see the reflections it cost. And he was not going to give up on hope. "Alright. Yeah. We'll find a way to save you."

Finally Dean looked at him in the eyes after his confession. "Okay, good."

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find (what you will find)

"No! Stop!" Sam was still pinned to the perfectly white wall by Lilith, and was unable to move. The hellhounds, invisible to his eyes, were mauling Dean on the floor. Dean was yelling in pain, rolling from side to side, unable to hold his screams back or get away. Sam could feel his own eyes watering. All he could do was watch. "No! No! Stop it! No!"

Sam hit his head to the wall, looking at the roof for a second. This couldn't be happening., but his brother's scream pulled him back to reality. Now Dean's chest was red, blood pouring from a huge, open wound.

"No. Stop it." Sam didn't care if he was nearly begging Lilith. All he cared about was his brother, who was dying in front of his eyes. "Stop it!" Sam shouted to Lilith. Then he turned his head and looked back to Dean, who now didn't make a sound. His brother's eyes were going to lose their glow. "No!"

"Yes."

Ruby's, or actually Lilith's, pleased voice forced Sam to turn his head. The next thing he saw was a burning white light that came from her hand.

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you

"Hey, Dean", Sam said, feeling he owed an apology to his brother, who he hadn't seen in years. He had claimed it would make no difference if they'd catch the yellow-eyed bastard who killed their mother. "What I said earlier. About mom and dad. I'm sorry."

Dean lifted his hand and waved it a bit. "No chick-flick moments."

Sam couldn't believe his ears. He was offering an apology and he was told to change the subject by calling it a chick-flick moment? "Alright." His original idea was to finish this conversation now, but in the end, he wanted to tell how he felt about his brother. "Jerk."

"Bitch", Dean answered and left to take a shower. Sam could do nothing but bark a laughter and shake his head. He really had one hell of a brother.

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go (I want you to know)

"Dig up anything good?" Sam asked, walking into the room at the same time Dean closed the book. He had seen the page Dean had been reading; that page was about hellhounds.

"No. Nothing good", Dean answered, his tone tired. The older of the two hadn't slept well in the few last days, but that was more than understandable. He would meet Hell's fire in less than two days.

"Well, Bobby has. Finally."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. A way to find Lilith." For the fist time in a long time, Sam smiled. There was hope now.

"Wow. With just…" Dean answered and lowered his gaze. "…with thirty hours to go." After that, he gave an offering to Sam. It was meant to be fun, which it mostly was not, but at least it was a lame try. "Hey, why don't we just a make TJ-run, huh? You know, some señoritas, cervezas, we could… what's Spanish for donkey show?"

Sam barked a laughter. "So… if we do save you, let's never do that."

"Yeah", Dean answered, turning his head away. His voice was so tired and quiet… not like Dean at all.

"Hey, Dean…" Sam moved next to his brother and sat down. He wanted eye-contact. He sighed and took a deep breath, moving on in this subject. Sam kind of didn't want to talk about this but what had to be done, had to be done. "We are cutting it close, I know. But we're gonna get this done. I don't care what it takes, Dean. You're not gonna go to Hell. I'm not gonna let you." At this point, Dean turned his head back to Sam. "I swear. Everything's gonna be okay."

Sam meant those words. They had talked about this several times before, argued about this… But this time, now, was different from all the others. They had only thirty hours, but they finally had a clue. They had a way to find Lilith. They could break the deal and save Dean, Sam was certain of that. And that's why he made that promise. A promise, he didn't knew he couldn't keep.

With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'as I bleed my heart out to show

The next thing Sam knew he the he was on the floor, protecting his eyes from the light Lilith had created. He then lifted his gaze and realized he was looking at her. She had stroke him with her full power and he was still alive. Why, was the question that jumped into his mind, but he pushed it away. That could wait. Sam pushed himself up, watching Lilith carefully.

There was a surprised look on Lilith's face as she lifted her hand. "Back."

Sam took a step closer.

Lilith retreated a couple of steps. "I said back!" In her voice, Sam could hear the mixture of surprise and fear.

"I don't think so", Sam answered after picking up the knife from the floor. He lifted his hand, ready to stab her on the chest, however, he wasn't quick enough; she screamed and escaped to the ventilation duct from the possessed body in the form of a black smoke. Then the lifeless body collapsed to the floor, next to Dean. Sam's eyes wandered from her to him. He moved, step by step, next to his brother. Sam could feel his eyes watering as he tried to hold the tears back. He kneeled down and held Dean's head. "No." He was looking at Dean's wounds; his right shoulder was broken, his left leg was badly clawed up and there was a huge wound on his chest. All that blood… "No."

His eyes wandered to his brother's face. The blood had splashed there too, and Dean's eyes… they didn't see anything anymore. There was no sign of the haunted look that his brother always tried to hide; there was no sign of pain in those eyes. But there was no familiar warmth either. Dean's eyes were empty.

"Dean." Sam lowered his head for a moment, feeling how the tears started to flow. But he forced himself to look at Dean again. He didn't care that he was crying, there was no one seeing that. And if there had been, he still wouldn't have cared. Sam was biting his lip, sobbing, trying to fight his tears, trying to be so strong… and still he was crying.

It hurt. It hurt so much. It hurt so much to know that Dean was in Hell. And he was there because of him. Because he was alive, his brother was dead. Sam had swore to Dean that he wasn't going to Hell. That everything would be fine. He had broken that vow.

He was all alone in Earth, in the middle of the war, but Dean was all alone in Hell. Sam let his tears run free. He had broken his vow. He hadn't saved his brother, who had always saved and protected him. In the end, he could do nothing but to let go.

And I (won't) let go

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Through it all, I made my mistakes
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words