Foreword

And now for something completely different!
The 'story' that will follow is to my other stories what 'McFood' is to a real dinner. Consider it a guilty pleasure on my part. It's inspired by and based on works by the Belgian cult-author Herman Brusselmans (mostly "Ex-Drummer" and "Pitface"), but set in a Lion King-universe. A lot of the content borders on plagiarism, so beware.
As for the story itself, take note of the following pointers:
Differentiate between the principal character and the author (me). They are quite different.
Differentiate between this and the other stories I write. This one is not serious, you should read it with some irony in mind, and don't discredit my other stories based on a distaste for this one.
Do leave some reviews; I'd like to know how bad an idea it was to write this.
Have fun?

Ex-King

1.

Even though the simpler beings disgust me to no end, I sometimes find pleasure in descending from my mountaintop and mixing among them, sharing their pathetic lives for a moment, safe in the knowledge that I can step out of their world of grime the moment I please, whilst they cannot.

That is not to say my world is one of perfection. Not at all, if only for the simple fact that perfection does not exist, and that one can only strive towards it without any hopes of ever actually achieving it. And truth be told, I don't seek perfection. No-one in his sane mind ever could: to actually expect to achieve anything even only nearing perfection only comes to show how vain someone is, and filled with ludicrous illusions. I cannot see how such can be identified with sane, by any standard.

No, I'll pass on perfection. I do, however, have a strong desire to live a life of dignity, and relative comfort. Mind you, it's often extremely hard to reconcile comfort and dignity: the entire idea of dignity revolves around having the strength to deny yourself more lowly, even loathsome forms of comfort. And those are aplenty, as a matter of fact, they make up the lives of most other creatures to crawl the earth. And that's exactly what makes me scorn them so. It's their weakness, their short-sighted simple-mindedness.

And I dare say I do not harbour such weakness. To the contrary, I 'm pretty sure I exhibit modest strength in defying the common sludge assaulting the fortress that is my mind on a daily basis, notwithstanding my many vices.

Like the other day, where I almost chocked on a little bone getting jammed in my throat. I was honestly fearing I'd die. Even I fear death, maybe even more so than other creatures: for some reason, they seem to believe that after their passing, they'd somehow get a second chance, if not in the heavens, then on earth. I'm pretty confident that won't happen; after all, their lives are so worthless it would be a waste of time to award them a do-over. If something is shite, you don't repeat it, or so I presume. All the more reason to live this life with dignity, and to regret an untimely end to a decent life, although those really are few and far in between.

What is not one of my vices, though, is to posses any illusions. No, if there were one thing I lacked, it'd be illusions. I take both great care and pride in avoiding them in myself, and to point them out, dissect and if possible utterly repudiate them in others. It saves you a great deal of disappointments in the long run, although you might feel a bit let down by life in general in the short term. That's probably why illusions are so often fostered. Or maybe not. I do not hold all the answers.

But what I did know, however, was that the band of misfits I saw approaching my den held more illusions than I could cope with without my disdain for the holders showing.

I immediately felt annoyed by the mere sight of the diverse lot, even though they were still to far away to really give me reasons to look down upon them; I hadn't seen what they actually looked like, heard how they talked, or even smelled how they reeked. That last aspect I would probably already have been aware of if the wind had been less favourable, but I seemed to have had some luck on that front: the weather was quiet, and sunny. That was the reason why I was lying in front of my den, actually: I wanted to get some sun, and look at the other animals minding their own business, maybe have a nap, stuff like that.

...

Yes, I have a lot of spare time on my hands. I try to spend most of it with my queen, Lio. You should probably note, though, that she isn't really a 'queen', while I am no king. I call her that out of respect. She is my queen, and I treat her likewise, always. Like just now, when she wanted get some sleep alone, in our cave; she asked me to leave, I left. Now she's sleeping in our hilltop cave, and I'm at the entrance, getting some sun, looking at the plains below.

Looking at a band of animals that stumbled forwards, in my general direction. A lioness, a leopard, a cheetah, and two hyenas. As they came ever closer, I couldn't help the feeling that those approaching me were nothing but a pack of hapless lowlifes intent on disturbing my carefully balanced routine. But, contrary to what you might have expected, the prospect of that didn't repulse me. In ways, I found it strangely appealing. I wasn't entirely sure why, though.

"E-Excuse me, are you the lion living here?"

"It would seem so..."

At first sight, it appeared as if my predictions about the unexpected visitors were correct. They did indeed smell bad, the hyenas worst of all. And all of them could be regarded as rather ugly, not because they were born that way, but because their lifestyle had made them so. Specks of dried blood on the hyenas, a nasty rash on one of the lioness's hind-paws, those sort of things. And a lot of flies swarming around them, allured by the scent of rotten meat the animals brought with them. I try to avoid that, if possible, by keeping hygiene tight. Lio is only too happy to help me with that.

"Oh, all right..."

My response seemed to have confused the visitors somehow. But what could they have expected, approaching me with so stupid a question? I invited the animals to join me, on the small rocky clearing just outside my cave, covered in shade thanks to an overhanging rock, and a couple of trees. As soon as everyone sat down, I turned to the cheetah again, who seemed to be doing the talking.

"Now, you were saying?"

"Yes – eh... no... I..." the cheetah stuttered. Why was it that these simple questions seemed too difficult for the halfwit to handle?

"Well you can't have both. Yes or no, make up your mind."

"What he meant to say..." the lioness suddenly stepped in. Now that she had opened her mouth, I found her even less appealing than before, as her plain, somehow what stressed voice only added to the unflattering composition that her scrawny body and dull, sandy coloured fur along with her glassy, empty eyes made. "What he meant to say was that we're not exactly from around here..."

"I'm from around here," one of the hyenas suddenly blurted, the smaller, more greyish one. I couldn't help but notice he, or she, whatever, had the same glassy eyes as the lioness. I immediately disliked the hyena, if only because of what it had said: true as it might be that he/she was indeed from 'around here', his/her point was nonetheless irrelevant at present.

"Good for you," I simply retorted. In doing so, I paved the way for a short silence that made the visitors feel extremely uncomfortable, and me rather amused. I quickly decided, however, to get the banal conversation going again, if only to shorten the animals' stay.

"You were saying most of you weren't from around here?"

"Right... As I said, we're not from around here, so we've probably never met... You probably don't know who we are, actually..."

I do know, however, what you are: you are boring me.

"But we, on the other paw, have already heard quite a few things about you."

"I do hope they were favourable?" I said, jokingly. In truth, I didn't really give a damn. But you have to say something every now and then, lest others forget you're around.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. That's the thing, actually: we heard about a lion some time ago, and the animals were saying all these nice things about him. You know, how he minded his own business, didn't hassle others or bossed them around, was polite and stuff..."

Well there you have it, all those 'nice things', all by-products of a dignified life. Unintended, I should add.

"And it appeared that lion was you," the lioness concluded.

"Well, let me say that's a lot more praise than I deserve..." I chuckled, insincerely, "But all those kind words aside, what brings you to my home? For all the noise you have been spewing up until now, you have yet to let loose any clue as to the nature of your visit."

"Well.. eh... We kinda wanted to ask you for help, really..."

What a joke, she didn't even get the insult! That said, I was pleased to finally get the first sensible answer out of the visitors. Whoopty-doo. Well, now I at least knew what the lowlifes were buggering me for: they wanted a favour, or something along those lines. Should have seen that coming, really: everyone is always out to further their self-interest, preferably at the expense of someone else. If the blockheads came to seek me, it wasn't for my benefit, but for theirs. A though suddenly occurred to me.

"Yes, I had guessed it'd be something like that. But would you please excuse me, I have matters to attend to right now. Do stick around, and make yourselves comfortable," I interrupted, adding under my breath: "And please try not to drool over anything, if you don't mind..."

Without further ado, I turned around and walked into my cave, leaving the visitors waiting at the entrance. Since I wasn't exactly adept at reading other animal's minds, I could only guess what they were thinking. But I think it would be fair to assume they were feeling they were being put in a really awkward position. And they would be right; a host just walking out on his guests is really a faux-pas – among decent folks. But since my guests didn't exactly fit that category, I felt pretty comfortable ditching them for the time being.

As I slacked towards the sleeping quarters, I immediately felt more relaxed, both because of the lack of ignorant visitors and the clean, orderly surroundings. Not that the unexpected appearance of my visitors had disturbed me so, but my home simply made me feel more at ease. It smells good, it's clean, it's tidy and it's quiet. But most of all, it was the sight of my queen that lifted my spirits, seeing her perfect figure lounging in the furthers corner of the cave.

Momentarily mesmerised by her tan fur, seemingly black in the darkness of the cave, I could but sit and stare, thinking of a thousand ways to celebrate our unbridled lusting for each other in orgasmic delight. I considered simply taking her now, boorishly violating her before she even has the chance to wake up. She fancies that, sometimes. I swiftly put aside those more primal urges, however, as I had other things to attend to now. There would always be a next day, for the time being.

"My dear..." I whispered gently in her ear is I bowed over her sleeping body. Stroking over her lean flank, I was fully aware of how lucky a lion I was to have Lio's near-perfection at my disposal nearly any moment I pleased. She was the sort of lionesses lesser lions fantasized about whilst ravaging their decrepit harlots.

Lio let out a long drawn out yet unimaginably sensual moan, to which I had no response but to gently bite her ear, causing her to moan yet again. How I adore that sound...

"Awww... Why'd you wake me up already?" she purred yawningly. I kissed her, the taste of her arousing me even more, before answering.

"You're not happy to see me?"

"No, not happy. Ecstatic." She kissed me back, intensely yet intimate, "It's still early..."

"I know, and I'm sorry. But we have guests."

Lio didn't seem surprised to hear that, but then again, she never did. You can never catch my queen of-guard, ever. I admire her for that.

"You woke me up because of guests? Are they acquaintances? Important? Interesting?"

"None of those, let me assure you – if anything, they excel in their dull plainness. I did get the impression, though, they were about to ask me something you too should be a part of, regardless of how ludicrous their intended questions might be."

"Is that so?" She got up, taking a few seconds to stretch her gorgeous body. "We should go and see them then. Who knows, maybe this might still turn out fun, one way or another."

I lead the way to the exit of our cave, where the four visitors were still waiting, now engaged in muted – and undoubtedly dull, vulgar – conversation. I ostentatiously cleared my throat to signal my arrival.

"Ahem... Sorry to have left you all hanging like that, but I felt it would be appropriate to engage my partner in our conversation."

As Lio emerged from behind me, I could almost feel both the cheetah and the leopard – being the males that they were – being awed by her mere appearance. The lioness, I could imagine, would be pretty envious. The hyenas, on the other hand, inadvertently retarded as hyenas usually are, didn't seem to appreciate Lio's greatness nearly enough. Or just maybe, they were both male and queer; I couldn't really tell for either one.

"Dear guests, meet Lio." I paused for a moment, allowing my queen to present her breath-taking smile to the guests. "Hmm... Come to think about it, you haven't really told me your names, have you? Well, now 's your chance."

The guests seemed to hesitate. Were even the most basal tasks too much for them, I wondered? Eventually, though, the smaller, glassy-eyed hyena spoke up.

"Eh... Okay... I'm Tusha, and eh... I – I live..."

"Now don't get carried away – no need to get into the details. Just the name," I abruptly cut it short, before it got to telling it's life story. I was still wondering about it's gender though – it's kinda hard to tell with their kind unless you see who's humping who. And that's still disregarding the chance of queer hyenas.

"One thing though – are you a guy or a broad? You have to excuse me, but for us lions, it's kinda hard to tell you apart, from a distance..."

It goes without say the other animals found that question hilarious. I would like to say I didn't blame them, yet I did. It was a perfectly normal question, given the circumstances. The fact that the hyenas replied without any hind of indignation, but rather with a calm and dignified restraint, put them back a notch on my scale of contempt – at least something that didn't give me more grounds to scorn them on.

"Female."

"Yeah, me too," added the other hyena, "The name's Zoa, by the way."

The rest of the animals, after the expected hyena joke now and then, quickly followed suit in introducing themselves. The lioness was named Bedawi, the leopard Bangi and the cheetah Senge.

"All right, now that we've got that over with, how 'bout I get you guys something to eat while we talk?" Lio suddenly proposed. That's my girl! Give the fools a few handouts, perpetuate their view of you as just another submissive lioness, and before you know it, they'll let you and me get away with everything, especially open contempt. Also, it was a polite thing to do, offering them a treat. It obviously worked, as all the guest gasped in pleasant surprise. Lio disappeared into the cave, returning within minutes carrying the flank of a prey we had taken down a few days ago. 't Was a bit dry, and rotten, but nonetheless more than good enough for our visitors. They all seemed very please with their little snack – save for the cheetah.

"No, I'm sorry, I only eat fresh meat..."

"Excuse me?" I grunted in faked indignation. In truth, I was well aware cheetahs don't usually eat anything that's no longer warm, yet I felt like I couldn't miss the opportunity to toy with my visitors a bit.

"Is my offering not good enough for you, hmm?" I hissed, now pretending anger.

"No, no!" Senge quickly yelped as I encroached on his position, "I just like my meat fresh, 's all! No offence!"

I have to admit, in preferring fresh food, the cheetah showed some good taste. It is no secret I discard my kills after feeding on them once – except for the one I keep stashed in the cave, should hardship or visit befall me. That's probably why so many animals around here consider me kind: I hand out the remainder of my kills when I've lost my taste for them to whomever is hungry enough to eat it. That I do so not in an act of generosity, but in one of near-arrogance seems to slip past them. However, I was enjoying myself too much to give the cheetah a free pass, so I pressed the issue.

"I wouldn't have cared if you were Aiheu himself. If I offer you something, you eat it. It's called common curtsy!"

"Wow, calm down, no need to get Aiheu mixed up in all this..."

"I shit on Aiheu. What makes me angry is you making me look like a fool in my own home. You've got some nerves, buddy..." I closed in on the cheetah even more. It seemed to make him nervous, and amuse the others.

"Come on, Senge, don't be a dick, just eat the fucking meat!" giggled Tusha. I started disliking the sound of that hyena's voice almost as much as I loathed her smell.

"You shouldn't swear," I suggested, now simply turning around and ignoring the cheetah. I'd wasted enough time already. I picked up the meat and tossed it in the other animals general direction. "Now, you guys seem to like it, so go ahead, have Senge's portion too. His ungratefulness is no reason to let good food go to waste."

Living up to the expectations I had of 'em, the other animals shortly squabbled over the extra piece of meat, but the argument subsided before long – although not before I got bored with it. As a matter of fact, I was getting bored not just with their short bickering, but with their presence altogether. The quicker I could get to the heart of the conversation, the quicker I could get another nap, or maybe do Lio – I hadn't really decided yet. Probably both.

"Now, I'm sorry we got sidetracked a bit there, but I think you were about to tell me why you are all here. You said you needed my help?"

"Well... yeah. Seeing as you have so great a reputation around here, we figured you could be just the sort of lion we need to give our plans the finality they deserve..."

Oh my, they had 'plans'? And I was just the sort of lion they were looking for? They'd be in for a nasty surprise, I'll tell you that.

"Is that so? I wouldn't be the lion you were looking for if I didn't immediately ask what those plans are, would I? So go ahead..."

I should have really added 'enlighten me', but that would have been too obvious.

"Eh...about that..." Bedawi hesitated for a moment, "Until we get you on our team... it's sort of confidential... can we first, like, ask some questions?"

You? Asking me questions? I laugh at you out of my ass. That said, I started really getting amused at the sorry lot in front of me. How they were taking themselves serious was simply hilarious. Confidential? On our team? Ask questions? What a joke, all of those big words were obviously wasted on them, and yet they continued to spout them.

"Sure, go on ahead, I'm down with some questions. Nothing too embarrassing, I hope?"

"No, no, not at all... Just some basics, you know... Like... What do you know about the pride living east of here?

Ah, so it would be an interrogation. I could either screw them over, or simply tell the truth and get it over with quickly. Or I could do anything in between that unnoticed.

"Not that much, actually. I'm originally more from the West-side, you know? I tend to only keep up with my acquaintances from over there... But anyway, no, I don't know much about the pride east of here. Don't even know who rules it. Who's in charge anyway? Rogue, dynasty, committee, anything in between?"

"A tyrant!" Senge suddenly growled. How fun this was: in interrogating me, they told me all I needed to know. After all, if you approach a "non-aligned"-lion – I prefer not to call myself a "rogue", such derogative should be kept for murderers and rapists who happen not to have crowned themselves king yet – and start blabbering about a tyrant – the word itself says more about the one uttering it than about the subject – it's pretty obvious they want you to help get rid of that supposed tyrant.

"Quiet, Senge!" Bedawi hissed, after which she turned back to me, "Sorry about that. But now that he mentioned it, what are your thoughts about the concept of having a king? Any monarchist sympathies?"

If I had, I wouldn't tell you, to the contrary, I would hear you out and then turn you in to whomever it is you are so pathetically conspiring against, for a fitting reward on my part, laughing all the way to the bank. Unfortunately, you seem to have been lucky this time: I have a history with regicide, and all the fun that comes with it.

"Well, I used to be ideologically opposed to the idea, but now I'm just indifferent. If the inept choose to be lead by the inbred whilst leaving me out of it, it couldn't care less."

As I had come to expect, the visitors – most of them anyway – nodded approvingly; they were satisfied with the response. My guess is that if I had come out too strong against the monarchy, they would suspected me of lying about it – at least, that's what I would have suspected, I couldn't really tell if the others were that bright. Probably not.

After that, a few other questions followed, although none really seemed that important. The visitors had heard what they had wanted to hear, and so, it wasn't long before they finally got to explaining whatever plan they had.

"All right, good, I can tell we came to the right place. You're really a good guy, I can tell," the leopard suddenly whispered. He sounded like someone who was really trying to hard to conspire, which made me laugh – almost. He hadn't said a lot prior to that, and if that was all he had to offer, 't was probably a good thing he didn't speak too much. But oddly enough, he seemed to be carrying the conversation from there. Things seemed to just keep going downhill all day long...

"Look, I'll be frank – no need to waste your time, or mine. We have a problem, and that problem is the so-called 'king' that rules the pride east of here. He's violent, lazy, ignorant, sadistic and usually doped out of his mind..."

From the looks of it, he's not the only one. Being doped out, that is, not the other stuff. That's probably where the hyena Tusha and the lioness Bedawi got that weird look in their eyes – although I wasn't aware of any herb having that effect, or indeed any predator turning to it to get some kicks out of their otherwise meaningless lives. But the times change, I guess. Besides, as I didn't knew anything about those eastern lands where my visitors came from, it was entirely possible that their entire kingdom had turned to substance-abuse. Although pretty unlikely, it would be quite funny on a certain level; watching others debase themselves has a certain comical quality to it.

"He doesn't exactly sound like someone I'd invite over, I'll give you that. But what exactly does he have to do with me – I mean, do you maybe want me to sort out some issues between him and the lot of you?"

Of course, I already knew what they were going to ask, but it somehow felt appropriate to mislead the others a bit. It often works in your advantage if others underestimate you. And it's fun to pretend.

"No, it goes quite a bit further than that, I'm afraid. Our dear king is beyond repair – not that there is anything in particular that is broken, he was just a mess to start with..."

"We want him dead," Bedawi suddenly growled, conforming the obvious.

"And I suppose you would want me to... ?"

The animals nodded. How delightful, they wanted me to kill some other lion I had never even heard of before, let alone seen. And I doubt they'd put anything down in return for that feat. Still, the idea somehow aroused me. I gave my visitors another skewed look. Somehow, I couldn't help but see their invitation to go along with them to kill some random jerk as an opportunity.

I really didn't appreciate the life I lead nearly enough. Mingling with these lowlifes to remind me how terrible the alternatives to my life are could really help remedy that. And besides, it could be fun.

"All right, sounds like nasty. But just one question: why? I mean, sure, he sounds like a jackass, but that doesn't mean I immediately want to kill him, or that you would want him dead..." Before I could further pretend to still be considering their request, the visitors already responded.

"He's a tyrant!"

"For liberty's sake!"

"Death to the oppressor!"

"He's putting my people down!"

"He beats others into the ground!"

All very lofty ideals, sure. Chances were, however, that the real motives behind these animals' aversion to that particular lion had their roots in more lowly grievances. Sleeping with the wrong lioness, getting into one of the druggy's stash, those sort of things. Either way, it would only add to the fun if I found out about those.

"All right, you've struck a chord – very sly of you, playing into my dormant commitment to liberty for all the peoples of Africa, by the way..." And now I have them feel intelligent, how hilarious is that, "Anyway: count me in! I'll help you get rid of that tyrant, and let me assure you, I wont disappoint you."

And so it was that I descended from the comfort of my dignified existence, into the darkness, into the drudgery, into the filth.