Eternal Wait

by Anae-chan

We all have lots of memories. So has Touda. Sitting on the roof, he thinks about some moments of his life.

To: Johanna [Another birthday present of hers. (Nice girl she has been, getting this many presents.)]

Title: Eternal Wait

Author: Anae

Beta: Azrax (Thank you so much.)

Fandom: Yami no Matsuei, manga verse

Rating: T / PG-13

Spoilers: Touda's past. If you know nothing about it, yes, there are spoilers. But please note I have also made assumptions.

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei with it's characters belongs to Yoko Matsushita and the song is Ensiferum's "Eternal Wait". I own neither of these, but I love both. As does the receiver.

Summary: We all have lots of memories. So has Touda. Sitting on the roof, he thinks about some moments of his life.

A/N: Like I said before, I have taken some liberties. I don't know for sure why Touda was imprisoned but this is my assumption.

A/N2: I like spending time in Touda's head. It's an interesting place. Though a bit angsty one.

Feedback: Makes my world shine. And me to write more. In other words, means a world to me.

A man was sitting cross-legged on the roof. Wind was blowing hard on this height. Shikigami closed his eyes for a moment, just enjoying the wind's touch. A hundred years ago he had thought he'd never be able to feel this again. It didn't matter that the visor on his face blocked some of the wind.

Touda, one of the Imaginary World's most powerful shikigimis, smiled. He had been imprisoned for so long time. He had never believed he would be set free again. But then Tsuzuki, a shinigami, a Guardian of Death, had walked into his cell and given him a new life. Fire serpent could never repay that kindness. And he'd never forget that day.

Over the forgotten sea
Voice of angel is calling for me
Somewhere, where the mountains collide
That's where I'll find my new life

Touda was sitting, nearly naked, in the deepest and darkest cell in Tenku. His long black hair was free. He had been shackled here ever since the war. The war had been near it's end when shikigami had been sentenced to here 'until the time itself would come to an end'. Fire serpent had been here for a long time, but how long?

'How many years have passed since the war?' Touda thought. He was too lost in his own thoughts to hear lighly approaching footsteps. Touda opened his serpentine eyes when the door was unlocked. 'It doesn't matter. The time has no meaning here', he told himself. Hope was meaningless here; it could only hurt him.

Then, for man's shock, the shackles broke. Touda fell on the floor, too surprised to do anything else. The shackles weren't supposed to break. The only one able to break them was Tenku himself. And Tenku, the palace shikigami, would never do something like that.

'It doesn't matter', Touda told himself, weakly pushing the stubbornly rising hope back to the corner of his mind.

But it didn't stay there. Feeling unsure, maybe even a bit scared, Touda lifted his head just in time to hear what the man standing on the door said: "Do you want to be free?"

Touda couldn't answer. He could barely look that man in the eye. He? Free? After all he had done? Other shikigamis had thrown him here, so that he'd never walk free again. He was a mass murderer, a sinner, after all.

"Don't be afraid", the man said. "Come with me." The man's voice was gentle, just like his violet eyes. There was no hate, not even disgust not in his voice nor in his eyes.

"I'm your friend…" The man held out his hand, reaching for the shikigami in front of him. "…Touda."

Shinigami's and shikigami's hands touched. A strong bond was created between them. At that moment, for the first time in a long time, Touda felt alive.

I have carried this burden so long for you
that nothing but sorrow I feel
I have let myself believe
that nothing would hurt deeper than the truth

Touda remembered that moment very well. Tsuzuki hadn't only given him hope but also a life. He had become Tsuzuki's shikigami. He didn't mind having a master, least Tsuzuki. Like every shigami who belonged to Tsuzuki, Touda cared deeply of him, even loved him. But becoming someone's servant hadn't been the only price serpent had paid. His freedom cost more than that; His hair had been cut short. To dragons and serpents, hair was the source of power. Cutting it had taken down some of Touda's powers and the visor he wore blocked a lot too. Even now, his hair cut and visor blocking his powers, he was feared.

Shikigami's thin lips curved into a bitter smile when he remembered the reason for this. It was all thanks to the Emperor.

Imaginary World's leader, the Heavenly Emperor had took an interest in Touda already when he was young. When he had grown up, the Emperor had shown himself, saying that he needed young serpent's help. Touda, of course, had been eager to help and done everything he had been told to. At the time it had been an honour to be right under his commands. After all, there were only a few shikigamis who had seen the Emperor. Not even the rest of twelve most powerful shikigamis had seen him. Not even Soryuu, Guardian of East, the Emperor's 'right hand'.

It took a long time before Touda started to question Emperor's orders. To kill other shikigamis, to destroy even villages… One day, Touda told Emperor that this was it. He wouldn't kill again for him. Imaginary World's leader had said that it was fine, but the serpent should tell no one. This was something between them. Touda had agreed the terms and left.

Then he had been caught, brought to the court and sentenced to Tenku. At first Touda had tried to explain that the Emperor had told him to do the killings. But no, the Emperor himself had claimed that Touda was at fault. Alone. That Emperor had had nothing to do with it. It had been Touda's word against Emperor's. And who had they believed? The righteous Heavenly Emperor, of course.

After that day Touda shut his mouth. He stopped telling the truth for good. The serpent didn't told Tsuzuki, let alone someone else. He was the traitor, the mass murderer, the sinner. And yet he was probably the only one who knew the truth of the Emperor. Truth that had been painful once. Now it meant nothing. The only thing Touda anymore cared for was Tsuzuki.

Never has the wind blown like thousand years ago
Everything that I've known has left me on my own
Never have I felt the rain fall down like the burning flames
All I see is the face of eternal wait

The wind was still blowing, playing with ancient trees' leaves. Feeling the breeze, Touda remembered the feeling; how it was to stand outside for the first time after his imprisonment. Shikigami had been in Tenku for hundreds of years. He had never believed he could see the sky again.

When he had come outside it had been raining. Touda's element was fire and therefore he usually preferred burning flames to cool raindrops. But at that moment… The cold rain falling down from the sky had felt so great. It had felt as good as his own indestructible flames dancing around him.

Touda knew he was on his own because the other's didn't trust him. He was alone because of all he knew. But then again, what did it matter? Tsuzuki was the only thing that had any meaning in Touda's life.

Tsuzuki, who had summoned Touda only once. And that time, he had asked fire serpent to kill him.

I hear your silent cry
lost in the rainy night
No reason to life for
one reason to die for

"From the black flames I call forth the glimmering heat that slithers like a snake from heavens. Come forth! Touda!"

I hear your silent cry
lost in the rainy night
No reason to life for
one reason to die for

Touda felt his heart clench when Tsuzuki asked the serpent to kill his beloved master. Huge black serpent with red wings and eyes simply watched shinigami for a while before answering. "Do you know what will happen, Tsuzuki?" Touda asked.

Serpent's voice in his battle form was low and many had found it scary. But not Tsuzuki. Not Tsuzuki, who deeply loved his shikigamis. Every one of them. "You will burn in my black, smoky flames of hell." There was no answer. Touda wasn't sure if he should speak more, but he wanted to ask one thing. Before this, Tsuzuki had never called him. Not even once. "I am a sword that cuts both ways. Is that not why you always avoided using me?"

Sitting on the floor of Muraki's lab, Tsuzuki looked down, refusing to meet his shikigami's red snake eyes. "It's okay, Touda. You're the only one who can do this job." Touda knew it was true. His flames, flames straight from hell, could burn everything. Even the eternal life of shinigami. "Suzaku will fulfill her contract and try to save me", Tsuzuki continued. The man lowered his head, unable to look his shikigami anymore. "But I…" he stumbled with the words, unable to continue. "…don't want to be saved anymore."

Fire serpent didn't know how to answer. He didn't want to kill Tsuzuki. But Tsuzuki was his master. Anything he'd ever ask for, Touda would grant that wish. "I see…"

"Tell blue dragon…" Tsuzuki continued, voice a bit stronger now, "…that this is my wish." There was a pause before he continued. Tsuzuki was still looking the floor instead of the serpent. He must have known how much his plea meant for Touda and how much it hurt. "Please forgive me."

I am the one who has fallen into the path of shadows
(and that road never seems to end)
I am the one who has drowned into the river of tears

Tsuzuki had asked Touda to forgive him for asking to die. When shikigami had though it later, it was somewhat corny. Touda was feared and hated. There was no day he wouldn't hear shouts and accusations for killings, murders, he had done.

Touda remembered one accusation very well. It had been some days after he had been freed.

Quite a young woman, dressed in simple green kimono approached him. Just looking into her eyes Touda was able to say she had something on her heart. But unlike everyone else she hadn't just shouted it from distance. She came standing right in front of him, eyes blazing with sorrow and hate.

"You killed my whole family", she told him. "Your flames only killed my big brother and mother but you know what happened after that?" Touda didn't answer, just waited the girl to continue. And she did, voice shaking with anger and dripping bitterness. "My father couldn't live with that. He killed himself, leaving me and my little sister, Yasumi, behind. I couldn't support the two of us, so my Yasumi starved to death.No one ever got to see her battle form. She never got the chance to fulfill that dream. You took her dream as well as her life. Not by your claws or flames but by your actions."

The young woman kept looking him in the eye. Of course she couldn't see the eyes hidden behind the visor Touda hated so much, but she could pierce anyone's heart with her words, filled with hate, anger and sorrow. "You maybe remember the ones you have burned but you have no idea how many others you have murdered." She bit her lip, not wanting to cry in front of the one who had taken her family from her.

"I don't get why they set you free. Never mind you have master and your powers are only a fraction of what they used to be." She swallowed hard and looked down for a while. When she lifted her head, tears were falling down on her face. "You are a sinner", she spit out, disgust in her tone. Then she lifted her hand and slapped Touda on the face. She hadn't yet finished and when she continued, there was nothing but pure hatred in her voice. "You can never atone." With that she turned and walked away.

That young girl had been the only one with enough courage to come standing right in front of Touda and tell him how much she hated the serpent. If someone asked Touda always told that no, the shouts "mass murderer", "killer", "sinner" etc. didn't hurt. That it was nothing.

But it was just a lie. It did hurt. Like hell. And he did remember the people he had killed. He remembered their faces and screams. He'd never forget.

Over the forgotten sea
Voice of angel is calling for me
Somewhere, where the mountains collide
That's where I'll find my new life

Touda never had to say toTsuzuki that he'd do it. That he'd kill him. At the moment Tsuzuki called him and said his plea aloud, Touda knew he'd do it.

"Please forgive me."

After those words, Touda nodded and rose up. Then the hell broke loose. Literally. Touda let his deadly flames free, let them go dancing around the lab. He let them tear everything down.

"Burn, Touda…" He heard Tsuzuki say. "Burn everything. Burn it all for me."

Touda felt a tiny smile rising. Tsuzuki had noticed his momentary hesitance? The serpent didn't want to kill his beloved master, who had given him new life. But shinigami had asked to die and that was everything Touda needed. He felt his heart being shredded into pieces while lettings his flames totally free. Now those deadly flames of hell were perfectly free. Uncontrolled.

Touda had been relieved when Tsuzuki didn't die in his flames. His partner Hisoka and shadow master Tatsumi had saved him. And now Tsuzuki was his old self again; happy and carefree on the surface but on the bottom there laid sadness and darkness. Darkness equal to Touda's own.

I have carried this burden so long for you
that nothing but sorrow I feel
I have let myself believe
that nothing would hurt deeper than the truth

After Tsuzuki's near death in Kyoto the other shikigamis had come to be even colder towards fire shikigami. Suzaku, Guardian of the South, had even started to treat him like a real enemy. It didn't matter but it was annoying. That's why he had gone to talk to the phoenix. It hadn't went too well.

"We're 12 of the most powerful shiki. We're not just a bunch of low-level pixies. Our role is to serve and protect our master", she explained, as if Touda didn't knew all that already. "But you tried to kill Tsuzuki! I can't forgive you for that!"

"That waswhat Tsuzuki desired. I had no choice", serpent answered. He decided to try to explain his actions to Suzaku though he doubted that it was just a waste of time. "Tsuzuki wanted to die." Touda was looking straight to woman's dark eyes. He had learned to be grateful that the others couldn't see his eyes. So much easier to hide everything. "So I tired to kill him. What's wrong with that?" Touda paused. "Life isn't all happiness."

Instead of understanding, Suzaku took a cup near her and threw it to Touda. Serpent lifted his hand and the cup hit deadly claws, breaking into pieces. "That's why I hate snake gods!" Suzaku yelled, clenching her hand into fists. She was shaking with anger. "Have you no heart?!! That cold-blooded attitude of yours makes me sick!!"

Touda sighed, remembering the arguement well. "I made her mad again", he said aloud though no-one was there to hear. "Was it something I said?"Probably yes. Suzaku just didn't understand his reasoning. Nearly no one did. But it was also due to the fact that Touda never let anyone close enough.

Fire shikigami was silent for a while. "I just wanted…" he didn't know why he was saying this aloud. "…to free Tsuzuki…" Touda didn't continue aloud. He couldn't. Besides, there was no one listening. Not that he wanted anyone to hear either. '…the same way he freed me and took away…' Memories were flowing. Memories of imprisonment time and the day he had become Tsuzuki's shikigami. '…my suffering and sorrow…' Touda closed his eyes. There had been times when he had wanted to die as well, times when the death would have been a gate to oblivion and freedom. '…and give him that freedom known as death.'

Never has the wind blown like thousand years ago
Everything that I've known has left me on my own
Never have I felt the rain fall down like the burning flames
All I see is the face of eternal wait

Touda was looking at the horizon. The wind had nearly stopped, only few leaves were falling down. He hadn't had easy life. As a child, he had been scared of his own battle form and powers. When he had grown up, he had become Emperor's weapon and when he had stopped being useful he had been thrown away. He had spent hundreds of years in Tenku. Then Tsuzuki saved him.

Fire serpent was alone in Imaginary World but didn't feel lonely. He had probably grown used to it. A drop fell next to him. Touda lifted his head and looked up to the sky. There were dark clouds. It'd start to rain any minute now.

It was ironic that the two most important persons in his life had been Emperor and Tsuzuki. Today, he hated the other and the other he loved. A little smile rose on Touda's face. Imaginary World would meet it's end on one day. Touda didn't care. Let the world be destroyed, what did it matter? Once he had tried to save it, given everything for it, but not anymore.

Now he'd give his everything for Tsuzuki. His master would probably never call him again, let alone to ask anything from him. But it was alright.

The rain started to fall down. Touda didn't move inside, just stayed sitting on the roof. He was looking to the horizon again. The sun was about to set down, let the world be covered in darkness, wait for the morning. Would that morning bring death or hope, no one knew.

One could only wait and see. There was always wait for sun to rise, wash away the lies and betrayals. Touda closed his eyes. What would the next morning, the future bring? As he saw it, it was all endless wait. Eternal wait.