Author's Note: Yes, I know. Overdue, overdue-
30 Ways To Agitate Tsunade
1. Hire a little Mexican man with really big eyes to follow her around, just staring at her.
2. Throw a sock filled with jellybeans at her.
3. During a highly-ranked official meeting, burst through the conference room doors, run up to the table with your hands at a 90 degree angle over your head, jump directly atop the tabletop and stand in front of Tsunade with your legs apart and your hips pelvic thrusting. Scream, "TAWANDA!!" repeatedly.
4. Paste newspaper to the walls of her house with Mod Podge, and paint them with melted cheese. When she asks you what you're doing, glare at her and mutter something about Shizune doing you wrong.
5. Cover Tonton in lard, and organize a Pig Wrangling match with all of the Konoha Genin and their sensei within the Hokage Tower.
6. Spike Gai's canteen with sake, strip him down to his Youthful boxers, and toss him on top of him whilst she is asleep.
7. Jack one of her bras, hook it around an open window, and use it to sling coconuts at random passer-bys as you scream at them.
8. Tape a picture of Sadaam Hussein to her rear, and go all Patriot on it.
9. At completely random moments, fling a kiwi directly at her rear end.
10. Hug her.
11. Tightly.
12. Talk incessantly of nothing more than how good she would look paired with Yondaime Hokage.
13. If she takes her eyes off you, spill Pepsi all over her vitally important war treaty documents.
14. Trek across her living room covered from head to toe with potting soil.
15. Tie Shizune's arms behind her back, put roller skates on her feet, and pull her to the climax of a huge hill.
16. Push her forward.
17. Try to spin plates on sticks.
18. Recite Monty Python's Flying Circus sketches at ungodly hours of the night.
19. Rename her "Darlene", and refuse to call her by anything else.
20. Spread butter, strawberry jelly, and pureed cat food on her office chair right before she sits in it.
21. Replace her secret stash of sake with finely-whipped salmon heads.
22. Laugh for the next three hours straight about it.
23. Wait until she's sipping at her coffee, and ask her rather loudly if she ever had a crush on Orochimaru.
24. Walk up, and punch her directly in the breast. When your fist hits it, make it rebound twice as fast as you punched and smack you directly in the face, as though your fist bounced back against all of the fatty tissue.
25. Sing "I'm In The Mood For Love" and dance about with an Itachi plushie.
26. Suddenly screech and cram a random object in to your mouth.
27. In public, point at her behind and loudly proclaim, "SO THAT'S WHERE ALL THE MAXI PADS WENT!!"
28. Perch on her desk and asked constantly if it's padded.
29. Walk in circles, repeating the words, "We have no bannannas toooooo-day..".
30. Dress as a pirate with one leg, and hobble about on an aged cane screaming in a husky voice, "VROWN ME, ISHMAEL!"
Tsunade's Reaction:
"…Well, I'd about pound the little brat into corned beef hash." the Godaime huffed, before slapping another set of pocket aces onto the table.
"Ha. Pockets. I win."
"Oooh! Tsunade-Sama! This is the fiftieth hand in a row!" Shizune bawled, crossing her feet beneath the table and slamming her own cards to the desktop.
"Good. That means I'm improving." Painted nails flashing, the blonde grinned smugly and snatched up the used cards, before shuffling the deck like a professional Blackjack dealer.
Slumping forward defeatedly, Shizune sighed, pressing her knuckles to her cheek as she sighed staidly.
"What I don't get is why everyone feels they have to make jokes about your breasts." the brunette mumbled, returning to the subject of the Fanfiction she'd gotten in a chain letter.
"Why is that such a thing to make a joke about. And hey, where did you get that bottle of sake? I thought I trashed your last bottle yesterday!"
At Shizune's shriek, Tsunade gazed innocently over the top of her cream bottle, feeling the cold ceramic pour forth the sweet, mellow alcohol between her painted lips. Than, the Hokage calmly reached for her heart. Sliding one hand under the fold of her shirt, Tsunade grinned as wide as she ever had in her life, before jerking her hand out from the curve of her bra, fully loaded with five bottles each marked with the kanji for "sake" on their sides.
"They're just jealous." she cackled, before cutting the deck and sliding Shizune her next hand.