PLEASE READ FIRST or you will be seriously confused!
This is a bit of an experiment. I have no idea if it's worked, but the wonderful Casfics requested a story in which Alicia and Ethan aren't getting on so well, and once this idea came to me I couldn't let it go.
For a while now, I've really wanted to try writing in one of my other languages. The problem with that is the one I'm most comfortable with other than English is a tiny, tiny language, and I highly doubt there is anyone else on here who speaks it! So with that in mind, this is my first ever bilingual story.
If you're currently thinking 'but I don't understand this weird language, then please don't worry, you don't need to. In fact, it's actually good that you don't, because this is probably the first bilingual story ever designed to be read exclusively by speakers of English only. There is a method to my madness, I promise.
I really wanted to explore different perspectives of an argument, and the idea of a lack of understanding between the two people fighting. So in part one, I've given you the dialogue and Alicia's internal thoughts in English, and Ethan's internal thoughts in my other language. The idea is that you'll read it experiencing the fight as Alicia does, and you'll hear the points that Ethan is making (until the end, when she really loses her patience with him), and Ethan's perspective on the situation is there in front of you, but you won't be able to understand why he's reacting like he is.
If you like this, then I will write you a part two in which I will translate the internal thoughts. So you'll get Alicia in my other language, Ethan in English, and you'll be able to see where he's coming from and decide who you agree with. And I'll maybe write a third chapter set post argument if you want it, all in English. And if you all hate it and think it's a disaster, I promise I will delete it off the internet and we can forget it ever happened.
You need to understand none of the other language whatsoever, but a couple of things that might add to the overall experience:
1) Ališa is Alicia's name, the š is a sh. I've used it in Ethan's internal thoughts, because I think it adds to the conclusion of the argument narrative. Hopefully you'll see what I mean.
2) Can you spot the karaoke machine?
And finally, I should say that if a native speaker does stumble across this, učim se za samo dva leta, prosim, popravi moje napake!
Part One
"For the last time, I will be fine, Ethan!"
Včasih, Ethan misli, da ona je tako odločena, da jim dokaže vse, da ona okreva, da ona pozabi na slabe trenutke. Trenutki, ko ona zamrzne v kabinah, sooča se z bolnikom, ki je videti le malo podobna Eddeja, ali pijan, ali nasilno, ker ona ni izterjana, ne res, še ne. Trenutki, v gostilni po delu, ko nekdo malo preveč približa njej v baru, ko mu pove, da je v redu, ampak je tako jasno, s pogledom v njenih očeh, straši, boleče, da ona ni.
"But will you, though?" Ethan asks worriedly. He's biting his lip now, eyes averted for just a moment, classic, tell-tale signs that he doesn't share her confidence, because she knows him, because she knows his every expression, every emotion, after all this time.
"Just because last time I had a few too many it ended with… that… doesn't mean I can't be trusted in a club with a couple of G and Ts, Ethan…"
"I know that." Ethan smiles; forced, pained, concerned. "I do. But Jade, Gem and Marty, of all people, they're not exactly going to be looking out for you, are they?"
"I don't need looking out for, Ethan! I'm not some kind of damsel in distress. And anyway, Elle's going…"
"Oh, that makes me feel loads better," Ethan retorts.
He's doing that smiling thing now, Alicia observes, irritant. That patronisingly forced smile he always resorts to when he's being stupidly overprotective of her and she's resisting; doesn't he realise she's a grown woman, that she's perfectly capable of looking after herself? It was one time, for god's sake, just one time, one awful mistake…
"We all know what Elle can get like when she's child-free for the weekend, she's worse than Gem and Jade put together," Ethan continues. "Let alone when it's her birthday, and Mrs Beauchamp's back from annual leave to run the ED. Give her an hour and too many tequila shots and she'll be so far gone she'll…"
Kaj če se ona zanese? Ethan skrbi. Kaj će pije preveč, kaj če jo nekdo vidi, se zaveda, da je piiana in jo pelje domov, da jo boli, kaj če se to zgodi spet…
Ona je še tako ranljiva. Ona ni vidi, ker ona je tako odločena da ona je v redu, kot da ona verjame, da lahko preposto bo sama biti.
Ona je lepa. In Ethan ji ne bi nikoli povedal, ampak včasih, predvsem po preveč pijače, ona lahko se nenamerno predstavi tudi drugim kot… enostavno? Poceni? 'Neumna blondinka?'
Ena Britney pesem na karaoke napravi, in vsak plenilec jo bo videl kot enostavno tarčno.
"And I'm not going to try and keep up with her, Ethan, I'm not stupid! Believe me. Never again." Alicia shudders involuntarily.
For a moment, just for a moment, she's certain she can smell him, Eddie's aftershave mixed with the alcohol and tobacco from the cigarette she smoked nervously as they stumbled back to hers after they'd had sex round the back of the pub bins- was that a sign? Smoking has always been a stress thing for her, a once every month or so anxiety relief, calming… was that a sign?
She's never thought of it like that before, what if she was already starting to feel uncomfortable around him then and too intoxicated to realise, what if all the warning signs were there long before she awoke to discover him in her bed and he just wouldn't stop, what if…
"I'm not going to get drunk, okay? I probably won't even stay the whole time, I'm not going to come stumbling in at four in the morning and expect you to look after me. I'll go back to my place, you won't even know…"
"Come back to mine," Ethan pleads with her. "Please? Gem's going to be crashing back into yours at God only knows what time, and you know it…"
"And then I'll only wake you up instead of her me, you're the most ridiculously light sleeper…"
Ališa… Ališa na nosilih, Ališa prekrita s krvjo in steklom, Eddie, Eddie jo je napadel, jo je posilil, to mu je povedal Raš… Ališa…
"Exactly. I just want to be sure you get home safely, that's all."
"Oh my god, what are you, my dad, or something? What are you going to do, stay up until you hear my key in the door? You might as well go one step further and pick me up from the club, if that's how you feel…"
"Alicia…"
"I will be fine, Ethan. Okay? Just because I haven't been anywhere near a club in six months, doesn't mean I've forgotten how to handle myself. I'm not stupid…"
"I know that…"
"Well, you've got a funny way of showing it. I'm going out for a few drinks with Elle and some of the guys from work for her birthday, Ethan. That's it. I'm not going to try and relive my early med school nights out or anything ridiculous like that."
Znotraj, Ethan zmagal, ker ne želi vedeti. Ne želi si niti predstavljati kakšne divje noči v medicinski šoli, na katero bi se lahko sklicevala, kako je bila pijana, star le devetnajst let, in ranljive, tako ranljive, nepredstavljivo bi se ji lahko zgodilo…
Nepredstavljivo je bilo.
Eddie McAllister je to storil, šest mesecev nazaj, in zdaj, Ethan je prestrašen, da bi jo izpustil iz oči, ni pijana, ni ranljive, ni tako to.
Kaj če se to ponovno zgodi?
Ališa…
"I just worry… after last time…"
Alicia rolls her eyes. "It's not going to be like last time, Ethan. Do you know why? Because I was single, last time. This time, I have you. I'm not going to be hooking up with anyone, drunk or otherwise, because…"
"I thought you just said you weren't getting drunk tonight."
"Oh, come on, Ethan, stop finding fault with everything I say! You know what I mean. I have you. And for the first time, in, what, two and a half years of on and off, we're actually making this work, and we're happy. Why would I throw all that away, Ethan? That's why I'll be fine. This is completely different to that night, there's no comparison. I'm going out for a few drinks and some terrible dancing. Nothing else. I will be fine."
Why can't he see that she needs this? Not the night out, not the having some fun part, because yes, she's not had a day off in what feels like forever, and yes, winter and the NHS is never a good combination, let alone winter and A and E, but it's not about that, not really.
She needs this tonight so she can finally prove to herself that she can do it, before it turns into a terrible mental block, a barrier that might take her years to break through, find her way back to some kind of normality again.
To je njegova krivda, Ethan sebe preklinja. To je popolnoma njegova krivda; Ališa mu ne bi nikoli povedala, ampak Ethan ve. Če samo jo to noč noče zavrniti za Leigh-Anne, če samo Ališa te noči ni šla v pubu, v Eddiejeve roke, če samo…
The last eighteen months have changed her, admittedly, Alicia ponders to herself.
No, she decides, the year that came before the last six months, because she's not counting the last six, she's not including the pain Eddie brought upon her and all of its traumatic aftermath. In the year before that night, she'd sworn off men, sworn off alcohol, after Calais, promised herself she would grow up, focus on her career, act her age, put her wild days behind her, but she did that. She stuck it out for the year, and yes, she's glad she did it, glad it had the desired effect, but surely that and the events of that awful night with Eddie shouldn't mean that's it, that she can never go out and have a good time again, surely it just means that she's more responsible now, settled, surely she's allowed the odd night out to enjoy herself, a few drinks, surely it's all about maturity and moderation?
"Alicia…" Ethan places his hands gently on her shoulders, winces a little as Alicia shrugs him off. "Alicia, prosim, listen…"
On vidi jezno v njenih očeh, v tem trenutku. Ona je jazna, to je jasno, in Ethan ve zakaj.
Ona misli, da ona je bolje. Ona misli, da ona je vsega, ampak njene oči… včasih je še toliko bolečine v njenih očih.
Ljubi jo. Ljubi jo bolj kot si je kdajkoli prej predstavljal, ona je vse…
Vse kar Ethan želi je, da jo varuje.
"It's not up for discussion, Ethan! Okay? We're not talking about this. I'm not a child, I don't need protecting, I don't need… rescuing… it was one night, Ethan! One night out, out of hundreds! Eleven years… okay, fine, probably more like thirteen, I used to borrow my cousin's ID, but still, of partying, and that night was the only time anything… anything like… like that, has ever happened to me. I'm not going to let this control me for the rest of my life." She bends, grabs her handbag, throws in her phone and her keys- car key, key to her flat, Ethan's spare sandwiched between them on the keyring- winces a little as dull pain shoots through her forearm, down to her wrist. "I'm going out for a few drinks and then I'll get a taxi home, please don'twait up for me. I've had a shitty week, what with the CQC in Paeds and everything, I think I'm allowed to have some fun tonight."
"That elbow's bothering you again, isn't it?"
On lahko pove; vedno lahko, z njo. On lahko pove ker bolečina na njenem obrazu, in ko postavi torbico čez ramo, nerodno se ustavi, desno roko masaža njeno levo podlakti.
On je vedel da ona se ne bi smela vrniti na delo tako hitro, on je vedel, ne bi smela uporabljati tega komolca, lahko bi jo poškodovala…
"It's fine," Alicia lies, pulls on her shoes one-handed. "Will you just stop fussing?"
"I'm just saying, nočem, da se poškoduješ, to je vse. Are those heels really the best idea? I've seen you after one too many, if you go over on the side of your foot and try to save yourself with that arm…"
It's like he doesn't want her to go. It's like he's decided he knows what's best for her, stupidly overprotective, and he just expects her to obey him and that to be the end of it, for god's sake…
"Will you stop trying to talk me out of it? I'm going, okay? I'm going, and I'm going to be fine, why can't you accept that, Ethan? I don't need you to wrap me up in cotton wool and…"
"I know you don't…"
"Well, that's what it looks like!"
She can't take this anymore, she needs out, she needs to prove to herself that she's better, that she can do this, she needs to prove to him that she isn't as fragile as he thinks…
"Alicia… I've seen you in the pub, after work, videl sem te paniko when someone gets too close to you at the bar…"
"I'm not listening to this…"
"Videl sem tvoj obraz ko misliš, da te nekdo opazuje, I know you're not as fine as you'd like me to believe, in to je v redu, ne moraš biti…"
"And what exactly are you trying to say?" Alicia demands. "That I'm incapable of looking after myself, is that it? Or is this really about something else entirely, do you just not want me going out tonight because it's not your thing, because we're joined at the hip now or something…"
"Ališa…"
"Well, guess what, Ethan, I don't need you to babysit me! I'm not broken! I'm fine, I just want to get back to normal, I just want to do normal things and forget, because it's over, I'm fine now, and I am not letting him ruin the rest of my life! And if you can't accept that means I might go out drinking once in a while, god forbid without you…"
She reaches for the latch on the front door with her left hand, hisses in pain, right hand over her mouth in a hopeless bid to hide it, wrenches the door open.
Ona drži levo roko varovano, in ona je v bolečinah, da Ethan je prepričan…
"Don't wait up for me!" Alicia shouts, frustrated, as she slams the front door behind her.
If you desperately want to read Ethan's parts, please just let me know so I can translate for you in a part two, please don't put it into google translate because it will make no sense whatsoever and google translate will pick the wrong language to translate from anyway. I speak from bitter experience!
I would love to know what you make of this one- you are allowed to tell me if you hate it!
-IseultLaBelle x