A/N: This fills the Sex Pollen square for MCU Kink Bingo
Tony had spent hours working on new arrows for Clint and he groaned when Jarvis paused the simulation. "This better be important, J."
"It is indeed, Sir. Captain Rogers is requesting immediate assistance."
Tony sat up straighter in his seat. "Oh fuck."
Steve had been away for the past two days on what was supposed to have been an easy mission. He had only taken Sam and Bucky with him as some sort of teammate bonding exercise.
They really should have known better. When did any of their missions ever turn out the way they had planned?
Tony spun his desk chair across the lab and grabbed one of his gauntlets. "So, where are we headed?"
"The landing strip, Sir."
Tony paused. "Oh. They're back already."
"Yes, Sir. Captain Rogers needs assistance removing his teammates from the jet."
"Right, right. That kind of assistance." It wouldn't be the first time Tony had helped people drag an injured teammate down to medical. "Save my work, J. I'll be right back."
"Of course, Sir."
Tony hopped into the elevator to the rooftop and tried not to think about what might have gone wrong on the mission. Steve was bringing them into the tower, which was a good sign. If their injuries were really serious, they would have gone straight to SHIELD medical.
The elevator opened up to the sight of Steve unpacking bags of gear from the jet's storage. So, Steve at least was upright and mobile. That was good news.
"Hey, Cap," he called. "Jarvis said you needed a little help."
Steve straightened up and his face split into a relieved smile. "Thank god. I was afraid nobody would be home since it's Friday night."
"Well, you know me," Tony said with a shrug. "I'm a workaholic. So. Where's our dynamic duo? Can I make fun of them for getting hurt on an easy mission?"
Steve's smile faltered. "We don't make fun of our teammates when things go wrong. I need you to take this seriously."
"No promises," Tony said. "If either of them got their dick caught in the exhaust pipe, I'm going to laugh for the rest of their lives."
Steve sighed. "I'll take what I can get, I suppose."
He stepped back onto the jet and led out first Bucky, then Sam, hands bound behind their backs with the superhuman restraint cuffs and directed them to stand a good distance from each other.
Tony raised an eyebrow.
"Don't ask," Steve said wearily. "It's a long story."
"You can't say something like that and expect me not to ask." He glanced between Bucky and Sam. "Alright, what the hell did you two do?"
"Ask that gaping asshole what happened," Bucky muttered sourly. He glared in Sam's direction. "He's got a stick jammed so far up his ass it's coming out his ears. And Steve won't let me pull it out and beat him over the head with it."
"The only stick I've seen is the one you've been desperately trying to fit in your mouth, you cocksucking slut," Sam shot back.
Tony's jaw dropped as the two of them continued arguing, getting more and more graphic as they went. "Jesus Christ. I'm glad these two dipshits got their heads out of their asses and did something about all the goddamn sexual tension between them, but I don't think hatefucking was really the way to go."
"Language, Tony," Steve said absently as he herded Sam towards the elevator.
"Are you kidding me, Rogers? The two of them are saying shit that would make Fury blush and you're telling me to watch my language?"
"They can't help it," Steve said. "They got doused with some kind of sex pollen and they've been like this the whole flight back."
"I hate to break it to you, Cap, but this isn't sex pollen. Remember when we got dosed with the stuff last month?"
Well, technically Tony had been the only one that had gotten hit with the stuff, but when Steve had shown up to try and convince Tony he needed to be looked at by SHIELD's scientists, Tony had jumped him and gotten Steve infected.
"How could I forget?" Steve said dryly. "I'm going to remember what a disaster that was for the rest of my life."
Tony drew himself up indignantly. "Excuse you, I am a sex god among men. You're lucky I was the one who jumped you and not one of the other dumbasses we work with." He deflated. "Shit, Steve, you told me you were fine. You said we were fine. You said it wasn't going to affect our friendship. Please don't tell me you're traumatized for life now because I fucked up the mission."
"I meant every word," Steve said gently. "Your mental state was compromised and you weren't responsible for any of your actions under the sex pollen. It wasn't your fault you jumped me and got me too. And from what I remember, those ten hours of sex were pretty great. But the aftermath was a different story."
"Oh god, yes," Tony said with a grimace. "I couldn't sit down for a week."
"It hurt to get dressed," Steve said with a sigh. "It hurt to walk."
"It hurt to piss."
"It's unfortunate it took them so long to find a cure," Steve said. "If it had only taken an hour or two, it might have all been a pleasant memory."
"So you really weren't kidding when you said you weren't traumatized."
Steve snorted. "It takes a lot more than that to scar me for life." He gave Sam and Bucky a sidelong look. "But these two are really pushing it."
"Were they fucking the whole way back?"
"They tried," Steve sighed. "Or at least I think they did. It was difficult to tell if they were going to have sex or just punch each other. So I restrained them just in case."
"Good call."
"Bad call," Sam disagreed. "He's got a face that could take a pounding."
"Go fuck yourself," Bucky growled.
"Fuck me yourself, you coward."
Bucky lunged at him. "I'm gonna fuck you like an animal."
"Bucky, no," Steve said. He yanked him back.
"You're worse than an animal. If I traveled back in time to your mother's-"
"Hey," Steve said sternly. "We're not bringing anyone's mothers into this. Whatever's going on between you two, stays between you two."
"Jesus," Tony said. "They're really determined to kill each other, aren't they?"
"Yep," Steve said with a sigh. "I'm going to lock the two of them up in separate Hulk-proof cells down in the basement until Bruce comes home. Can you take Sam down first? I'll bring Bucky down after."
Tony could definitely see why Steve wanted help now. There was no way he'd be able to wrangle the two of them into an elevator without a bloodbath.
Sam said nothing the whole ride down to the basement floor and didn't argue or fight when Tony led him into the cell. If not for the intense bitch-face, Tony might have thought the hate sex pollen had finally run its course.
But then Steve stepped out of the elevator with Bucky in tow and Sam started shouting at him that he was a pussy for letting Steve tell him where to go.
Yeah, so much for hoping.
Steve locked Bucky in the cell furthest from Sam's and let out an aggravated sigh. "You two are going to be the death of me."
"What," Bucky said in a flat voice, his glare still fixed on Sam.
"Why are you behaving like this? Sam's done nothing to you. Nothing to deserve all this hate."
"He's an asshole," Bucky said. "And assholes need to be knocked down a peg or two. Looks like I'm the only one with the balls to do it."
"And how do you plan on doing that?"
"Shove my cock down his throat and choke him with it."
Steve grimaced. "I'm sorry I asked."
Tony gently led Steve away from the cell. "There's no use reasoning with them when they're like this."
"I know." Steve shook his head sadly. "If only they had gotten hit with the same stuff we did. They have sex, they realize they don't hate each other, and everything works out."
"But it wouldn't be consensual sex. And that could make everything worse. Our friendship survived because we've been through so much shit together. These two can barely tolerate each other on a good day. They'd probably end up too traumatized to even look at each other again."
"And you think this won't traumatize them for life? I'd be horrified to know I acted this way, even under the influence of pollen. Saying such nasty, vile, degrading things to your own teammate. Threatening them with sexual violence. I'd wonder if it was all because of the pollen or if there was really some part of me that was that hateful and evil."
"It'll be good for them," Tony said. "Get them to reevaluate how much they've been fighting and try to be better people moving forward."
"Guilt is a powerful motivator," Steve agreed. He put a hand on Tony's shoulder and squeezed. "You can stop feeling guilty about last month. You were just as much under the influence as I was. And I already told you the sex was fantastic."
"Oh yeah? Then why haven't we done anything since?"
"Been waiting for you to ask," Steve said with a blinding smile. "Had to make sure you weren't traumatized by the experience."
"Bring it on, Rogers. If you want to traumatize me with sex, you need to step up your game."