30 Ways To Make Tenten Cram Kunai Down Your Throat
1. Put ground habenero chili peppers in her canteen.
2. Replace all of her kunai with lollipops.
3. Attach a string of pickles to the back of her pants, and see how long it takes for her to notice it.
4. Make an extremely realistic model of Neji's head, sever it with an meat cleaver, grab it by the hair, and run to her holding it high and scream, "Hey, Tenten! Gai-Sensei's at the door with an ax, and he wanted me to show you this before I let him in!"
5. Convince Gai, Lee, and Neji to wear assorted fright masks through training for about a week.
6. Sing 'The Girl's Got Game' excessively loudly.
7. Wake her one night acting like the kid from 'Poltergeist 3'.
8. Chase her down during training, and in the presence of all of her teammates, loudly give her a box of bladder control medication.
9. Four words. Get. Lee. On. Crack.
10. Follow her around with a camera, clicking pics at random moments.
11. Declare her the long-lost daughter of Tsar Nicholas II, and call her Tatiana.
12. Pretend to have a nervous breakdown every time she says the word "it".
13. Jump out of a plane and parachute down to Team Gai's training ground. Once there, pick up a rock, cram it in Neji's mouth, and walk away as though nothing has occurred.
14. Hide all of her hair ribbons.
15. Bake a handful or so of matzoth balls. Dress them up and play with them in the middle of her living room floor.
16. When she's sitting beside Neji quietly, tap him on the shoulder and whisper loud enough for her to hear, "You know, Tenten has had a crush on you since you two were eleven?".
17. Declare it to be National Green Beast Day, and spend the next twelve hours celebrating life, love, and Youth in any way that Gai and Lee entertain.
18. Replace her shaving cream with toothpaste. Lemon flavored toothpaste. (WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME- THIS IS EXTREMELY PAINFUL. I KNOW FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE)
19. Hug her.
20. Tightly.
21. Place an angry Chihuahua in her shruiken pouch.
22. Decapitate a few lizards, and hang them by their tails with string to the walls. Turn off all of the lamps, and light white candles on every table. Sit in the center of the living room with your eyes wide and your legs crossed in the Lotus position.
23. Make waffles for her one morning. When she sits down and is all relaxed, bring the plate of warm, syrup-slathered waffles just oozing with butter and steaming with fluffy goodness- and dump them directly in her lap, screaming.
24. Buy one of those Rock Lee pillows with the big eyes and open mouth: Place it on her bed.
25. Pretend to be Lucky The Leprechaun.
26. Put a live shark in her bathtub.
27. Wear a whistle around your neck for no reason. Blow it directly in her ears if she speaks the word "something".
28. Send Lee a letter with her forged signature, proclaiming her unrequited adoration for his every way.
29. Stare at her. Just, stare at her. Stare at her for a long time, and wait until she'd looking right in the face. Than, grin stupidly and say, "I'm wearing new socks today.".
30. Dress like an Emo and swagger around behind her like your hips are out of place.
Tenten's Reaction:
"Neji! Are you in here?!"
Panic rising, Neji hurriedly clicked out of the white and blue window, and watched the words of the fanfic blink away as Tenten brushed through the door of his room.
"There you are. Come on, it's almost time for training." the weapons mistress said, clasping her hands behind her back and giving Neji her most cheerful grin. She was always happy to see her teammates. When they weren't wearing green spandex that clung much, much too tightly to the most sensitive regions of their anatomy.
Suddenly, the door behind the two swung open to reveal their third team member, bent dramatically forward with one hand clutching his chest and huge, black bug eyes trained directly to his female team member.
"Oh, hi Lee!" Tenten said, giving a small wave. Neji swallowed a mouthful of air. Oh, no- If that fanfiction said he would-
"Tenten-Chan- Daisuke!"
The kunoichi gave a shrill screech as the green-clad teen charged the short distance between them, and wrenched his arms around the girl's back, ripping her into an oddly intimate embrace, his breath flaring against her ear.
"I-I got.. Your letter… Aishetaru too, Tenten-Chan… You have such a way with words, my ai. Th-the way you described all those time you've watched me during training- and I never knew you liked my bunching muscles so much- Or that you even looked down there. And when I'd pass out from working so hard, how you'd lovingly brush your fingers up the side of my face- I remember that, you know. I remember that sweet, smell that time you wore perfume to training-"
Ignoring Tenten's desperate look as she gazed in horror over Lee's hunched, green-covered shoulder, Neji dropped his head into his hands. Oh, kami- Someone had actually read that list, and sent Lee a letter saying-
"And, and when I got to the part about how- how you watched my lips- when I spoke, just wishing that I'd press them to yours- Well, I'm here, bonouu-Chan- And, now that I know, I'm here to give you that, and everything else- I love you, Tenten-Chan."
Neji could barely keep from snorting as Lee threaded his hands through Tenten's hair, turned her to face his best Italian Lover™ grin, closed his mosquito eyes to her beautiful face, gently leaned forward-
"OH MY GOOOOOOODDD!!!" was heard echoing up and down the halls of the Hyuuga compound, before a resounding slap shook the window frames.
Lee, his jaw and nose broken, reeled backwards, clutching the lower half of his face and moaning loudly as shoujo flames leapt up around her, chocolate eyes swirling into white circles.
"WHO THE HECK TOLD YOU YOU COULD COME HERE AND, AND- OH, MY GOD! LEE ALMOST KISSED ME!" she ranted, flailing her arms crazily as the world tunneled to the fact that Lee had almost touched his dirty, germy, sweaty, dorky lips to hers- Ewwwwwggghhh!!!
"Bu-bu-but Tenten-Chan! You said you loved me! In that fanfiction, and in the letter with the adorable little raccoon stamp in the corner-" Lee stuttered, his heart breaking as much as his nose. Tenten loved him, didn't she!? Why had she slapped him? Was this what girls normally did when they were overcome with the power of Youthful Love? Maybe he should ask Gai-sensei-
"RACCOON!!?" came the responding shrill, before Tenten whipped into a shoulder-grinding positions, her trembling fists clenched at her sides as steam began to puff out of her ears.
"Ooooh, it's that HarvestMoonRacoon. I know it is! That troublesome, overbearing, psychotic-"
Lee suddenly found himself being dragged by the wrist towards the door of Neji's room, Tenten huffing and puffing like a locomotive at arm's length with all the fury of a fully activated Fifth Gate.
"Oooh, no. She's gone too far this time! COME ON, NEJI!! I'M GOING TO CRAM SO MANY KUNAI DOWN HER THROAT THAT SHE'LL DROWN IN HER OWN BLOOD!!!"
As Neji scuttled up to follow his PMSing teammate, he secretly reminded himself that telling her that that was the name of the fic probably wasn't such a hot idea.